They’ll Never Break My Heart

Here’s the situation: I ♥ the Backstreet Boys!

Surprised, right?  Obviously not – not if you know me!  With my 11th Backstreet Boys concert around the corner, I’m here to set the record straight as to why I (still) love them!  People assume I have some schoolgirl crush and it might have started that way, but all these years later, it’s so much more!

Smell Ya Later

If you’re not familiar with the 2001 movie, Someone Like You, starring Hugh Jackman and Ashley Judd, you are missing out on a piece of rom-com history.  It would take me too long to recap, but in one scene, a heartbroken Ashley Judd (AJ) goes to a doctor and asks to have her amygdala removed.  Here’s how the scene plays out:

AJ: I want my erotic nose brain removed.

Doc: I beg your pardon?

AJ: My amygdala.  The organ deep inside the nasal cavity, which processes scent, which then connects to memory.  I’d like it extracted.

Doc: But why would you want to voluntarily make yourself anosmatic?

AJ: Well, let me see if I can explain this.  Um, I had this boyfriend ok?  And he smelled really really good; like soap and fresh laundry and vanilla.  And anytime I smell any of those smells, I’m reminded of my boyfriend and how happy we were before he dumped me for no good reason and I get very sad and then I get angry and then before I know it, I am in the throes of an all out emotional breakdown and so I was just thinking Doctor Glen, if I could just short circuit my nose somehow, I might actually have a chance at living a semi normal life someday.

Aaaaand, scene.

I can identify with this in so many ways.  There are smells, tastes and songs that take me back to exact situations and I get all the feels.  I’m very nostalgic.  The memories bring me joy, reminiscing on how much fun I had, but also sadness, reminiscing how the fun has passed.  Does anyone else experience this so intensely?

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Set Adrift on Memory Bliss

It’s a bit odd, but I kind of like the smell of cigarettes on a summers day because it reminds me of patios and backyard parties.  Or when I walk through a Vegas hotel and inhale the stale casino smoke, along with whatever scent they’re ventilating to try and cover it up – something about it is comforting, in a twisted sort of way.  And I know I’m not the only girl who enjoys a kiss from a guy who tastes like beer.  (Separate tip for the guys (not like you’re reading a blog about the Backstreet Boys): wear cologne.  Our erotic nose brains will thank you and trust me, it’ll help your cause tenfold!)

When I hear Music Sounds Better With You by Stardust, I’m whisked away to a cold night in 1998 when my friends and I put on our chunkiest boots and went clubbing.  I fell in love to DJ Sammy’s dance remake of Heaven by Bryan Adams.  Eminem’s The Marshall Mathers LP was the soundtrack of a summer in 2000, while the entire HouseMix 2 album reminds me of my first roommate and ALL the times we had and let me tell you, we had some times!

All this nostalgia – this is what the Backstreet Boys do for me.

Dopamine

When I was 10 years old, I was introduced to a substance that would change my life forever.  Boy bands.  And New Kids on the Block were my gateway drug.  We had family visiting from out of town and their daughter brought along the Hangin’ Tough cassette.  Mind.  Blown.  What were these catchy tunes my ears were hearing?  This was no Amy Grant, Michael W. Smith or Carman.  This was music made for me and not my parents!  I was having my first aural-gasm and I wanted more!

Calm down people.

Aural – relating to the ear or the sense of hearing

Gasm – a suffix used to describe an intensely pleasurable experience 

Chasing the Dragon

This addiction affected my life in the following ways: NKOTB cassettes and pins and trading cards and VHS tapes and a room covered in posters.  And then tragically, pop music and 5-member boy bands went away to make room for grunge, until…the Backstreet Boys.

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A photo of some of our actual TV photos!

My cousin and I have loved the Backstreet Boys since 1996.  By ’97 when they released their 2nd album (in Canada), Backstreet’s Back, we couldn’t get enough.  We played the crap out of those 2 albums!  We each owned their 3 VHS tapes and watched them relentlessly.  Her and I grew up an hour apart, so we would plan weekends to visit each other where all we would do was watch the videos, start to finish, on repeat.  We could recite the lines to you and probably still can!  We sat and pressed pause on the videos until the freeze frame was nearly perfect without any of those pause-lines (90s kids will understand) and when we had it just right, we took pictures of the TV!  AND THEN WE GOT THEM DEVELOPED!  If anyone under the age of 30 is reading this, you are wondering what sort of harrowing childhood I lived through.  Let me tell you, the struggle was real!  No internet, no smart phones, no instantly seeing your photos, no access to the lives of stars without purchasing a copy of Big Bopper magazine.  No DVDs even, and even DVDs are outdated now!

In spite of the lack of technology, everything was so simple!…minus getting those good TV photos.  I had my little group of friends, I had my silly part time job and I was ugly, so I didn’t have any boy drama.  What I did have, was the Backstreet Boys.

I’ll Go Anywhere For You

The popularity of boy bands died down again in the early 2000s, so by the time the Never Gone album came out and they toured in 2005, we managed to get 5th row on the floor concert tickets.  The first time we saw them in concert (1998 Backstreet’s Back tour) we were so far away they looked like grains of rice, so to say we were excited to have 5th row seats would be an understatement.  I remember we stood in amazement at how close we were and when they sang Siberia, “snow” fell from the ceiling.  We probably looked like children staring up into the sky, seeing actual snow for the first time!  From that moment on, we vowed we would never NOT go to a concert and never NOT have amazing seats again.

In 2008 we had 13th row seats for the Unbreakable tour and 10th row seats in 2010 for the This Is Us tour.

Just when I thought it couldn’t get better, Backstreet Boys (minus Kevin *tear*) joined forces with New Kids on the Block in 2011 to create the supergroup of my dreams: NKOTBSB and released the song Don’t Turn Out the Lights.  When they announced only 5 U.S. concert dates, my cousin and I, on a whim, looked at ticket options and found 2nd row on the floor in Los Angeles.  I think we both blacked out, because all of a sudden we had purchased tickets and were planning a trip to LA!  (Of course, they later expanded the tour dates and did come to our city…so naturally we went to that concert too!)

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That trip ruined us.  We’d come too far and we couldn’t regress!  In 2013 we found FRONT ROW CENTRE tickets in Vegas for the In a World Like This tour; an opportunity that definitely would NOT be missed!  In 2017 we traveled back to Vegas for their Larger Than Life residency at Planet Hollywood and again in 2018 where this time we had front row seats at a VIP table.  Twenty years after seeing them for the first time where we couldn’t make out their features, we were face to face with the Backstreet Boys and touched all 5 of their hands.  I haven’t washed my hands since.

Memories Light the Corners of My Mind

You see, my love runs deeper than any crush.  It’s the catchy ballads and melodic harmonies and all the feelings that coincide with them.  You may have your wedding day or the birth of your children, but many of my happiest life moments are intertwined with the Backstreet Boys.  When I hear their songs, I have a solid 23 years to reflect on!  It takes me back to the days of innocence.  It takes me back to singing every note and squealing with glee at every concert and now it takes me back to vacation memories.

While in LA we got to tour the Los Angeles Dream Center, the original location of an organization I’ve been involved with for 11 years.  We discovered Isabella’s Cookie Company and we ate, all the cookies!  We drove from downtown LA, to Santa Monica to Newport Beach and somewhere along the PCH we found a hip hop radio station playing Nikki Minaj, which spurred our idea of her being the voice of a GPS.  “In 200 meters turn left left left left”.  (Can I get salt all around that rim rim rim rim.)

The Vegas trips make me smile when I think about our first time experiencing the 50ºC heat and spending an entire day inside watching a Naked & Afraid marathon to avoid it!  Or the time I ordered a coffee and the barista called out ‘Roxanne’ and I looked around asking other girls if they were Roxanne, when one finally asked me “are you Roxanne?”.  Well, yes, but…  We laughed so hard – what kind of moron doesn’t know her own name?!  (Like I mentioned in my last blog, I never go by that and I told the barista Roxie!)  Then there was the trip when 4 of us ordered a Birthday Girl martini to try.  It wasn’t until after we got our bill we realized the waiter had brought us the Birthday Girl shot, not the martini.  It seemed a bit small, but what did we know; we didn’t work there!  Our waiter must’ve thought we were crazy, watching 4 girls taking micro sips of ONE shot over the course of our dinner!  (In our defense, it did not come in a typical shot glass.)

I (Still) Want It That Way

Did my cousin throw me a Backstreet Boys themed birthday when I turned 35?  Yes.  Was I too old for that?  Yes.  Did I love every second of it?  YES!  Have I watched their documentary Show ‘Em What You’re Made Of more than once?  Yes.  And now, they’ve just released their 9th album, DNA!  Not gonna lie – when I heard Don’t Go Breaking My Heart for the first time, I cried.  I was so overcome with joy and memories that my ducts couldn’t contain what was happening internally so they spilled forth!

You may think I’m ridiculous.  I’m ok with that, but I bet anytime you hear a Backstreet Boys song you sing along and get a smile on your face too.  It just can’t be helped!  Sometimes the weight of life gets too heavy and we need these little pleasures to lighten up!  That’s why when I die, I want the Backstreet Boys played at my funeral, but I refuse to die before I finally get a meet and greet!

Dear Brian, Kevin, Nick, Howie and AJ,

Please keep touring forever!

Your fan,

Roxie

P.S. See you on Wednesday!  #boybandsforlife

 

Dreams in My Heart & Ants in My Pants

Here’s the situation: When I was a kid, I wanted to work at Kmart when I grew up.  Yes, that’s right – I had lofty goals, and guess what?  I achieved them.  I worked at Kmart for a year and a half after high school.  So what’s left when your dreams come true at such an early age?

Do you ever wonder what the meaning of life is?  I’m not someone’s wife.  I’m not raising kids.  My friendships seem to have dwindled as lives have filled up with spouses and children.  Why am I here?  I work 40 hours a week, hit the gym to stay sane and come home to an empty house …day after day after day…  It just doesn’t seem that important or like I have purpose, so is this it?  Was I really created for this small little life?!

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Make Yourself Comfortable

I’ve always loved a good comfort zone.  It’s so comfortable!  You know what to expect, there’s no surprises; it’s consistent.  It’s controllable.  After years of learning my lessons the hard way, I want safety and security.  I’m more inclined to live in mediocrity, than to risk changing things for fear of them getting worse, even though I know the flip side is the possibility of things getting so much better!  Half of me is content in this rut, but the other half of me is internally clawing at the walls, crying out how bored she is!!!

Dream Weaver

I’m a day dreamer.  Maybe it’s because I’m an only child and had to develop an imagination or maybe it’s because I grew up on Disney and romanticized what life should be.  Whichever it is, I’m all too good at dreaming up a scenario in my mind and playing it out to the bitter end.  This sort of creativity can be annoying because, of course, my dreams are amazing and they make real life disappointing and at times, unbearable.

A few years back, I’d had enough of my dream world getting my real world hopes up.  The story always ended the same way, so in order to preserve my heart, I had to shut all systems down and suppress any feelings.  There would be NO. MORE. DREAMING!  But when you have no dreams, you really have no purpose, leaving you in a worse state than when you started.  My dreams might be delusional, but at least they give me something to hope for/strive for.

Dream Weaver 2.0

About a year ago, a dream found it’s way back to the surface.  Only this time it felt more like I was given an actual vision of my future.  The problem?  It is ridiculously far fetched!  Short of a bunch of miracles and open doors, I’m not sure how it could ever come to pass.  What’s even weirder though?  I didn’t let that stop my skeptical heart from believing for it, more than I’ve believed for anything before!  Without knowing how to make things happen on my own, I made some changes in my life, so that just in case doors opened, I’d be ready to walk through.  I didn’t expect miracles over night, but still nothing has happened and any doors that were ajar have slammed shut.

Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning.

– Gloria Steinem

The Middle

I have a hard time being present focused.  Looking back is filled with lessons, looking forward is filled with wonder (and a little fear), but looking here and now?  Ugh!  I’m not content here and now, so I obsess over what’s next and I want to get there as fast as I can before I’m too old to enjoy it!  I can generally settle my spirit by reminding myself to trust God and His timing.  Things will work out in just the right time and in just the right way, but in my human nature and the moments in the middle I’m thinking “God!  What’s the freakin’ hold up?  Don’t you see things are passing me by?  We’re going to miss opportunities!”

This dissatisfaction with the present is why I try to keep myself busy with distractions, like the gym, Netflix or maybe even this blog and why I need to have something to look forward to while I wait.  When I have something on the calendar tomorrow, on the weekend or even a few months down the road, I can make it through today and tomorrow and a few months down the road.  With nothing in sight, I get depressed and everything feels meaningless.  (Take note friends: I’ve just given you insight as to why I like to make plans in advance and why being cancelled on is so frustrating!)

Could You Say ‘Dream’ Any More Times?*

If you’ve been a Christian for any length of time, you’re no doubt familiar with Ephesians 3:20 which states that God will do exceedingly, abundantly more than we ask or think.  I’ve even mentioned it in a previous blog.  I’m sure you’ve also heard Christianese sayings like “double for your trouble” and things of the sort.  The messages are encouraging, but can they really be true?  You’re not in my brain, so you don’t know how specific or how grand the ideas can be, but how could what God has in mind possibly be bigger than what I ask or think?  …because I’m asking a lot and thinking pretty big!

I have so many questions.  Where do dreams come from?  Are they something we’ve made up or do they come from God?  Are dreams the same thing as the so-called “desires of my heart”, which God also claims to give me?  And how do I trust what is me vs what is God?  Do you suppose He places things on our hearts or gives us an idea or a vision of what the future could hold, in order to guide our decision making process along the way?  And once we have a sense of something, could we ever really be content with less?  What if we reject something good enough, while waiting for “exceedingly abundantly more”, only to end up with nothing?

I suppose if my dream of working at Kmart came true, perhaps this dream could one day come true also?

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My manager made my nametag before I could tell him I never go by Roxanne, so, for a year and a half, I went by Roxanne.  This is the only time I’ve ever been called that.

PS – I’ll tell you what the dream is after it happens.  If it happens.

* The word ‘dream’ was used a total of 17 instances in this blog.