Here’s the situation: When I was a kid, I wanted to work at Kmart when I grew up.  Yes, that’s right – I had lofty goals, and guess what?  I achieved them.  I worked at Kmart for a year and a half after high school.  So what’s left when your dreams come true at such an early age?

Do you ever wonder what the meaning of life is?  I’m not someone’s wife.  I’m not raising kids.  My friendships seem to have dwindled as lives have filled up with spouses and children.  Why am I here?  I work 40 hours a week, hit the gym to stay sane and come home to an empty house …day after day after day…  It just doesn’t seem that important or like I have purpose, so is this it?  Was I really created for this small little life?!

Make Yourself Comfortable

I’ve always loved a good comfort zone.  It’s so comfortable!  You know what to expect, there’s no surprises; it’s consistent.  It’s controllable.  After years of learning my lessons the hard way, I want safety and security.  I’m more inclined to live in mediocrity, than to risk changing things for fear of them getting worse, even though I know the flip side is the possibility of things getting so much better!  Half of me is content in this rut, but the other half of me is internally clawing at the walls, crying out how bored she is!!!

Dream Weaver

I’m a day dreamer.  Maybe it’s because I’m an only child and had to develop an imagination or maybe it’s because I grew up on Disney and romanticized what life should be.  Whichever it is, I’m all too good at dreaming up a scenario in my mind and playing it out to the bitter end.  This sort of creativity can be annoying because, of course, my dreams are amazing and they make real life disappointing and at times, unbearable.

A few years back, I’d had enough of my dream world getting my real world hopes up.  The story always ended the same way, so in order to preserve my heart, I had to shut all systems down and suppress any feelings.  There would be NO. MORE. DREAMING!  But when you have no dreams, you really have no purpose, leaving you in a worse state than when you started.  My dreams might be delusional, but at least they give me something to hope for/strive for.

Dream Weaver 2.0

About a year ago, a dream found it’s way back to the surface.  Only this time it felt more like I was given an actual vision of my future.  The problem?  It is ridiculously far fetched!  Short of a bunch of miracles and open doors, I’m not sure how it could ever come to pass.  What’s even weirder though?  I didn’t let that stop my skeptical heart from believing for it, more than I’ve believed for anything before!  Without knowing how to make things happen on my own, I made some changes in my life, so that just in case doors opened, I’d be ready to walk through.  I didn’t expect miracles over night, but still nothing has happened and any doors that were ajar have slammed shut.

Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning.

– Gloria Steinem

The Middle

I have a hard time being present focused.  Looking back is filled with lessons, looking forward is filled with wonder (and a little fear), but looking here and now?  Ugh!  I’m not content here and now, so I obsess over what’s next and I want to get there as fast as I can before I’m too old to enjoy it!  I can generally settle my spirit by reminding myself to trust God and His timing.  Things will work out in just the right time and in just the right way, but in my human nature and the moments in the middle I’m thinking “God!  What’s the freakin’ hold up?  Don’t you see things are passing me by?  We’re going to miss opportunities!”

This dissatisfaction with the present is why I try to keep myself busy with distractions, like the gym, Netflix or maybe even this blog and why I need to have something to look forward to while I wait.  When I have something on the calendar tomorrow, on the weekend or even a few months down the road, I can make it through today and tomorrow and a few months down the road.  With nothing in sight, I get depressed and everything feels meaningless.  (Take note friends: I’ve just given you insight as to why I like to make plans in advance and why being cancelled on is so frustrating!)

Could You Say ‘Dream’ Any More Times?*

If you’ve been a Christian for any length of time, you’re no doubt familiar with Ephesians 3:20 which states that God will do exceedingly, abundantly more than we ask or think.  I’ve even mentioned it in a previous blog.  I’m sure you’ve also heard Christianese sayings like “double for your trouble” and things of the sort.  The messages are encouraging, but can they really be true?  You’re not in my brain, so you don’t know how specific or how grand the ideas can be, but how could what God has in mind possibly be bigger than what I ask or think?  …because I’m asking a lot and thinking pretty big!

I have so many questions.  Where do dreams come from?  Are they something we’ve made up or do they come from God?  Are dreams the same thing as the so-called “desires of my heart”, which God also claims to give me?  And how do I trust what is me vs what is God?  Do you suppose He places things on our hearts or gives us an idea or a vision of what the future could hold, in order to guide our decision making process along the way?  And once we have a sense of something, could we ever really be content with less?  What if we reject something good enough, while waiting for “exceedingly abundantly more”, only to end up with nothing?

I suppose if my dream of working at Kmart came true, perhaps this dream could one day come true also?

PS – I’ll tell you what the dream is after it happens.  If it happens.

* The word ‘dream’ was used a total of 17 instances in this blog.