Here’s the situation: It’s hard to make new friends as an adult!

I left an event recently and as I walked to my car, my eyes began to fill with tears.  I did the typical girl thing to make sure none of them actually escaped;  I blinked in rapid succession, waved my hands in front of my eyes and willed myself to ‘stop it’, but I could not gain control.  Within seconds of getting into my car I was bawling, in a parking lot, hoping no one would see me.  The only words I could get out, to no one but myself, were “I’m so tired of doing life alone!”.

Marry Your Best Friend

It should be common sense, but it took me more than a few crappy relationships before deciding that finding someone should actually enrich my life.  I may not always be thrilled to be single and I may not be in the position to be too selective anymore, but I’m not the type of girl who is going to settle for someone, just for the sake of having someone.  I’m not that desperate.  My life if pretty good actually and doesn’t need rescuing from some knight, so if I’m not going to be with someone who adds more value and enjoyment to what I already have, then I’d rather be single.  Now, I never wanted to be, or thought I’d be single at this age, but until recently, I never felt that single, because in a sense, I’ve had 2 spouses, just in best friend form.

My first “spouse” was my first roommate.  We lived together for 4 years and did everything together.  Worked together, worked out together, tanned together (separately), partied together…  I spent Christmases and Easters with her family or even just family dinners and games nights, I was there.  Our neighbors thought we were ‘partners’ and many people thought we were sisters.  We grocery shopped and ran errands together.  We just did life together.  When she got married, I moved in with my cousin, my second “spouse”, and we ended up living together for 11 years!  Even though our day to day lives weren’t quite so intertwined (different jobs, different hours, etc), similar to my first roommate, we did life together too, plus actually being blood relatives helped.  People who didn’t know us well thought we were either lesbians, sisters or eerily close friends.  The first time I’ve ever lived alone was after she got married.  It’s nice to have your own space and reign over Netflix and I’m one of those people who recharges alone, but it gets lonely.  Having a companion always made everything more fun, even the boring stuff.

Plus None

In all my years, there have only been 2 times that I brought a (male) date to an event and they were both with my then fiancé.  (Truth be told, I probably didn’t want him to come, but felt obligated out of fiancé-ly duty.  Reason #179 why we didn’t get married!).  Generally any sort of work party, wedding or other gala I get invited to, I know the people I’ll be around, so unless I’m actually in a relationship, I don’t often invite a date.  You just have to babysit them to make sure they’re having a good time or don’t get left alone, so unless I really like you, I can’t be bothered to bring a date, like I said above, for the sake of having a date.  I’ve grown accustomed to attending things alone, but sometimes there are moments that remind you just how alone you really are.

It was another wedding sans plus one.  I was friends with a bunch of people attending and told I’d be seated with a group I knew, so it was all good, I didn’t need a date.  I arrived at the reception and found my name on the seating chart.  Perfect – a round table of eight; 3 couples, myself and another girl whose husband couldn’t attend.  Only, last minute the husband could attend, so the seating chart attendant now had the unfortunate role of shuffling people around.

My emotions were heightened due to this wedding.  After these vows, I would be the last remaining single in this group of friends and being older than all of them, my time should’ve come first!  The seating chart attendant couldn’t have known how sensitive I was at that moment, so when she asked to move me, stating it was easiest because “you are the only one who’s single“, it felt like having a flaw that you’re self conscious of, but you don’t think anyone notices.  Only then you find out that not only do they notice it, they point it out to you!  For the sake of not making a scene, I obliged (while silently cursing everyone and their livelihood) and I was reassured that I would be moving to another table of people I knew.  It was true, I knew all but 1 person assigned there, however, I wasn’t aware that they all had jobs to do at the wedding and wouldn’t be able to sit!  Photographers, servers, a DJ and an emcee.  There I sat, already feeling ostracized, with a glaringly obvious reminder that I was alone – 7 empty chairs.  After about 15 minutes seething with white hot inner rage and fighting off tears, the one stranger at my table arrived and he didn’t have a role besides bridesmaid’s boyfriend, so the 2 of us sat while our table mates popped in and out, up and down.

The evening turned out to be fine, but it is etched into my brain.  The only one who’s single.  I swear it could’ve been scripted for a movie.  Single girl, upset about being single, goes to a wedding alone, gets bumped from her table because she’s alone and winds up at a table, sitting alone.  Of course, in the movie version, I would’ve had a meet-cute with the man of my dreams and lived happily ever after.  Instead I did wedding themed mad libs with a bridesmaid’s boyfriend.

meet-cute (noun)

(in a film or television show) An amusing or charming first encounter between two characters that leads to the development of a romantic relationship between them.

White Flag

I was texting with an old old friend recently and she asked “so, still happily single?”.  I snickered to myself and replied “more like, kind of accepted it”.  Acceptance is a weird place to be as someone who’s wanted to get married for 20+ years, but I think I might’ve actually, maybe, sort of, finally become ok with the potential for #foreveralone.  Wait, let me rephrase that.  I’ve had to become ok with it.  I’ve cried enough.  There’s really no point wasting any more time wanting something that I can’t make happen, so I’ve finally thrown my hands up and surrendered.

I like to think that things won’t stay this way forever and I have moments where the reality of that is overwhelming, but spending so much time being single has kind of forced me to shift my focus.  Rather than being on the lookout for a good man only to be disappointed each time I see one who catches my eye and is already taken, I decided to make other goals and while I pursue them, enjoy the days, do fun things and live life with my friends.  Unfortunately, as my plans for life were getting bigger, my social circle kept getting smaller.  My close friends are now all married or starting families.  Some switched churches so I didn’t see them as often, some moved away and some just stopped being my friend altogether.  Life happens, but when your plan is to enjoy life with others and suddenly it feels like you’ve lost all your others, that’s when you have parking lot meltdowns about being alone!

I know I’m not unique to it, but very few people have had the experience of staying single (never married) until they’re 40 and unless you’ve lived it, I don’t think you can truly compute how isolating it can be at times.  I love my friends and they are more important to me than they probably realize, but it’s easy to be unintentionally forgotten about.  Spouses and children and building a life together with someone takes precedence, understandably, but because of the accompanying “busyness” and obligations, many times it seems like if you weren’t the one reaching out, you’d never hear from anyone!  I really felt pushed this year to expand my circle and try to make more friends.

F•R•I•E•N•D•S

Nobody ever really talks about hard it is to make new friends as an adult.  It’s like some secret that we’ve been told to keep, but we’ve ALL been told it, so it’s not really a secret, we just have to act like nobody else knows the truth.  When the topic comes up though, everybody emphatically agrees and has a lot to say.   In my quest to make more friends this year, I learned I wasn’t the only one who had these struggles!

1. Where do you even go to make friends as an adult?!

When you’re young there’s youth group and school or parties and pubs/clubs.  Even after as young as 25 there aren’t many environments created to cultivate friendship.  You can’t just quit your job so that you can go work with new people and hope that they become your friends.  You might have a hobby and the opportunity to meet other like-minded people if you took a class or joined a club, but if these things aren’t options, where do you go?  There’s no speed dating for friends and there might be websites, but that’s a little too weird to me!

2. We’re all uncomfortable and afraid of rejection

Remember when you were a kid and your parents tossed you in a room with some other kid and you immediately started playing together?  It’s not like that anymore!  As you get older, you have a tendency to approach things with more caution.  It’s a side effect of life experience and I think we all wonder if people are going to like us.  I’ve had my fair share of experiences that have caused me to automatically assume people won’t like me because I’m not good enough for them.  Or they’ll only like me until they meet my cooler, funner, more outgoing, more spontaneous friends.  I mean, it’s happened multiple times in the past, who’s to say it wouldn’t happen again, right?  I’ve also met some really bold and confident people who have since told me that they were so nervous to ask me to hang out or have coffee.  I guess technically it’s almost like asking someone on a date – the potential to be rejected, even on a friendship level, is always there!

3. Where do I fit in?

We’re drawn to what we can identify with.  That’s why couples befriend other couples and moms gravitate to other moms, but where do I fit in?  Girls my age have husbands and teenage children.  Girls 10 years younger than me have husbands and young children.  I guess I have the most in common with someone in their 20’s and though I feel young, let’s be honest, my culture references, sayings, jokes and where I’m at in life are not the same.  How much do they want me lingering around (or how much do I want to linger around) before I come off a little too Amy Poehler in Mean Girls?

4. We all get lonely and we all make assumptions

Making assumptions is probably our biggest mistake and I know I’m guilty of it!  Often I won’t bother asking people if they want to do something because I assume that because they have a spouse, they want to spend all of their time with them or because they have kids that they are busy.  Then I found out, these people aren’t asking me if I want to do something because they assume I’m living some wild single life and won’t want to do some boring married person activity or hang out with a kid nearby.  Do I want to go to Gymboree or watch The Wiggles with you, for sure no, but if all you can do in this season of your life is go for a walk with your stroller, I have legs, I can walk!  I’d rather work around a few complications and see my friend than not see them at all.  But instead of making a move, what do either of us do?  We assume the other won’t want to get together for various reasons, don’t bother texting and we stay at home, feeling lonely and rejected because of our own misconceptions!

Just Do It

A man who has friends, must himself be friendly. – Proverbs 18:24 NKJV

We were created to be in relationship and we all desire companionship of some kind.  Friendships are so important!  The married families need to realize that we singles need them, just as much as they need us.  We each bring something unique to the table, but we’ll never learn from one another if we don’t spend time with one another!  So, the next time you draw back thinking that people will be too busy to get together with you, the least you could do is ask.  Or if you’re too nervous to ask someone new to hang out, embrace the awkwardness!  Chances are, they’re just as nervous and awkward as you.  You can meet some awesome people, like me for instance, once you break through that first moment of discomfort!

I expect my calendar to fill up now…just sayin’.