Here’s the situation: Sometimes I wish people would just do as John Mayer instructed and say what they need to say! 

A little over a year ago, a girl I’d been friends with for nearly 6 years, decided to end the friendship by, well, starting a text conversation, but never replying to it.  Normally I wouldn’t let go of a friendship with such ease, but this particular one had wore me out.

We met through mutual friends after she moved to my city not knowing anyone and we got along instantly.  We were close in age, in the same stage of life, shared similar hopes, dreams, the same faith, and we seemed to enjoy spending our free time the same way, which made hanging out really easy!  She was inquisitive and great at drawing information from you and listening as you poured your heart out, especially when you were struggling.  However, when the tables were turned, she was super secretive, would deflect every question and brushed off things that mattered by cheekily saying “it’s better this way”.

It wasn’t.

I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to cultivate a friendship with someone who’s built impenetrable walls around themselves, topped those walls with razor wire and surrounded them with a moat filled with piranhas, but it’s emotionally taxing!  Getting to the depth of friendship that I’m used to and think is normal and healthy after knowing someone for 6 years and spending countless hours with them, was impossible with her!  It’s not like I was prying for her deepest darkest secrets either.  I just thought maybe we’d gotten close enough that, for example, she’d tell me about a date she went on over the weekend, after the date happened, rather than finding out 2 months down the road that she even had a date!  Isn’t that what friends do?  Share their lives with each other?

If she was wrestling with something, rather than reach out, she would seclude herself and quit replying to texts or worse, reply with passive short answers…and for weeks at a time!

And you knew it wasn’t all good, but because she would never tell you what was going on, it was hard not to take it personally!  I was always left wondering what I did or said that was wrong and it felt like I was constantly begging her to be my friend or allow me to be her friend.  It was very disheartening.

When she would finally emerge from her funk, we would have an open and honest conversation about what was going on, how she was feeling, how it made me feel when she withdrew without explanation and I’d remind her that I was her friend and I made a good friend, if she’d only let me!

Save the Drama For Your Mama

I wish I could say that her and I only ever had that issue once.  Unfortunately, that exact cycle of radio silence and chasing and heart-to-hearts happened about 4 times in a 6 year span.  I’ve maintained friendships for 20+ years without anything remotely close to that happening once!  By the last time, I’d grown weary of it all.  If things hadn’t changed after I’d addressed it every time before, they probably never would.  I knew it was only a matter of time before we’d be back at that same place and emotionally, I couldn’t go through it again.

One of the things she said to me in her last text was that she ‘always considered my best and ignored her discomfort‘.  The text came a couple days after we had hung out and had an in-person conflict, so that instance being the reference point, I understood the text to mean that she always did what I wanted to do, even when she wasn’t feeling it.  (And because she never texted back when I replied to her, I never got clarification.)  That statement frustrated me!  It still frustrates me.  If she felt that way, why didn’t she say something?!  If I suggested plans that she didn’t want to do or plans that actually made her uncomfortable, why didn’t she say so?  Or say no?  And how long had she felt like that?  Why didn’t she just tell me what she was thinking or feeling from the start?!

You Want the Truth?  You Can’t Handle the Truth!

As a whole, I don’t think we like to disappoint people.  Most of us are afraid to say no and we don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings either.  We don’t want to offend anyone, rock the boat or do anything that might lead to a confrontation and we really don’t like the vulnerability, and sometimes awkwardness, that comes with being honest!  Instead, we tell these seemingly harmless little white lies to placate a situation.  You know the ones.  “I’ll call you.”  “Sure, I’d love to!”  “It’s not you, it’s me.”  (“No, those pants don’t make you look fat!”)

And if we’re not saying something, like my former friend, we’re probably saying nothing at all and just going with the flow until we can’t handle the flow anymore.  That’s usually when everything bubbles to the surface and the very things we were avoiding by playing nice, erupt into something much larger, that didn’t have to happen if we had only been honest with each other!

Unmet expectations lead to future resentments.

I know the intent is pure, but when I’ve been lied to or shielded from the truth, simply because someone didn’t want to hurt my feelings, it almost seemed to hurt more than it might’ve had they just been honest from the beginning.  I mean, I’m a big girl – I can handle the truth!

Quit Playing Games With My Heart

As I get older, I’m really starting to appreciate when people are just plain honest with me.  Sure, sometimes honesty stings, but it really only stings for a moment.  Unlike the polite little lies we tell, when we’re honest, there’s nothing left in question.  Plus, honesty gives you a starting place to work from or an ending place to move from.

The easiest examples of this are from my past relationships.  More often than not I was ghosted, which is just rude and immature, but it’s also incredibly frustrating because you never know why or what happened!  It always took me way longer to get over these relationships too, since there was never any real closure.

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The Great Ghost Debate

Ghosting – The practice of ceasing all communication and contact with a partner, friend or individual, without any apparent warning or justification and subsequently ignoring any attempts made by said partner, friend or individual to reach out or communicate.

I’ve heard arguments about what can actually be considered ghosting and what can’t.  For instance, if you went on 1 date and never heard from that person again, it technically isn’t ghosting.  I’m still on the fence about that, but in my instances of ghosting, there’s no debate.  A sudden drop of communication after dating someone for a month, 4 months, even up to 10 months…there was a definite poltergeist at hand.

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Then there were the courteous break ups.  These are the ‘nice’ guys, who don’t want to hurt you, so they try to soften the blow by telling you all the amazing things about yourself.  “You’re the perfect woman.”  “Whoever ends up with you is going to be the luckiest guy.”  “I might regret this.”  (If you know me, you can probably hear how snidely I’m saying these lines.)  I don’t know if these guys realize they aren’t doing you any favors; they’re really just confusing you and making the break up even more difficult.  If I’m so great and you might regret this, why are you breaking up with me?!  The relationship might have closure, but your mind doesn’t.

Cause all you had to say was that you ain’t
Looking for commitment
Instead of telling me what I wanted to hear

– Shattered, Backstreet Boys

Lastly are my favorite break ups – if you can have a favorite break up.  These ones are rare because they take guts.  They usually take place in person and involve 100% honesty.  No-games, straight-up, here’s-exactly-what-I’m-thinking, here’s-exactly-what-I’m-feeling, mature conversations!  And they haven’t all been break ups either; sometimes they were just an honest dialog to discuss why we wouldn’t or shouldn’t start dating.  As agonizing and uncomfortable and heartbreaking as these conversations have the potential to be (for both parties involved), I always appreciate the transparency!  It’s actually so refreshing when you have someone tell it like it is and I WISH we practiced more of this in our day-to-day!

TBH

So why don’t we communicate better?  It’s the one thing we all do, every day; you’d think we’d want to do it well.

The greatest relationships (dating, friendships et al.) are the ones that bring out the best in you or help to make you the best version of yourself, but how can we do that for each other when we stay silent?  What’s wrong with letting someone know your expectations or telling them when they’ve hurt you?  Why can’t we just tell each other what we think or feel?  We should be able to be honest or call each other out on things and trust that we do have each others best interest at heart.  We also need to be open to hearing some truth too though.  That being said, these things should be done when there’s still the intent to work on the relationship, not as a final goodbye.  And remember, you can be honest, while still being kind!

Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from any enemy.

– Proverbs 27:6 (NLT)