Here’s the situation: The past couple days social media has been filled with posts about how hard 2020 was, but in spite of it all, people learned so many lessons and are hopeful and ready for 2021.  I’m having a hard time sharing this sentiment.  The last half of 2020 and even right up until New Year’s Eve itself, managed to steal what hope I had left.

How long do you suppose we’re supposed to hang on to hope for?  And I don’t mean in the vague sense of the word like “here’s hoping” or “fingers crossed”.  I mean like, actually believing for something.  Does that kind of hope have an expiry date?  Is there a time when we just need to let go?

Enough.  Enough Now.

– Love Actually

You’ve probably seen an episode of American Idol where someone with big dreams but no talent auditions.  It’s so cringy!  They actually think they have a chance, but as the viewer at home we’re thinking – this is never going to happen for you, you need to let it go!  I wonder if this is where I’m at now?  Am I the delusional hopeful clinging to the chance of catching my metaphorical “big break”?  Maybe it’s time for me to just accept things for what they are and try to move on, even though I know I’ll always be slightly disappointed.  It feels like that disappointment would be easier to deal with though than continuing to keep my hopes up.  At least I could live life for what it is instead of always anticipating what might be around the corner…and finding out, there’s never anything around the corner.

This is how I feel lately anyway.  I’ve been believing for some outlandish things for a few years now and other smaller things for decades, but I’m tired of believing for them without even one teensy, tiny little shift in my life to confirm that I’ve been moving in the right direction.  Actually, it feels like I’m somehow getting further away from them and I don’t know how much longer I can hang on.  I’m spent.  I want to give up.  My hope tank is on empty.

Crappy New Year!

I gotta say, I think Covid might be the best thing that ever happened to New Year’s Eve!  I hate New Year’s Eve.  I’ve hated it for 20+ years in fact.  It always felt like there was so much pressure on what to do, where to go, which friend group to spend it with…  And nobody wants to commit to anyone or a plan, because a better option might come along, so you’re left in limbo, meanwhile if you actually want to attend an event, you need to know in advance because tickets sell out, so it’s usually just stressful and a lot of build up for a total let down.  It’s especially uncomfortable when you’re single.  At midnight all of the couples turn to each other to kiss and you’re left awkwardly standing there until they finish so they can throw you a pity New Year’s high five.

Thankfully I’m old now and don’t really care anymore and if I’m in bed before midnight – bonus!  Even though the pressure of New Year’s Eve has petered out over the years, I still don’t like the feeling a new year brings.  Other people tend to get excited about a clean slate and new opportunities and what’s to come, but after the magic of Christmas ends for me, I usually just think to myself, “great, now we start this same BS all over again”.

I suppose my January 1st “new year, new me” attitude would be more positive if I felt like I had anything to look forward to, but I’ve started too many January 1st’s with the anticipation that “this might be the year!!” and ended enough December 31st’s to know that it’s never been the year.  Even with my hope waning a little bit every passing year, there’s always been a small reserve in the tank, but 2020 seems to be the year that sucked that dry and if you can believe, it had nothing to do with Covid either!

Year in Review

January to July of 2020 were going really good for me, even with Covid being a part of our lives.  I was lucky enough to still have a job, a job where I could go IN to the office every day and not have to work from home.  My spirits were up because I had friends who also weren’t going to let the fear of Covid dictate their lives, so we went on adventures and explored new parts of our province and even odder, while everyone was in some form of lockdown/quarantine, I managed to meet someone!  I spent 4 months getting to know this someone too and was really impressed by this man.  Circumstances were a little complicated for the time being though, so for the season, it could only be a friendship.  But that friendship came with a certain level of curiosity for the future.  It’s sad to admit, but that was probably the first time in my life I feel like I’ve shown my full self to someone…and they seemed to accept it.  Like it, even!  For the first time I was experiencing what it was like to be able to have an open and honest dialog with a mature man and what it felt like when you’re actually treated the way people tell you a man should treat you!  Life was good, but it’s my life and what would I have to write about if things ever worked out?  Due to the aforementioned complicated circumstances, the guy needed to take some time to himself and figure his life out.

You know that saying “it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all“.  Well, whoever said that needs to give their head a shake.  I’m not saying I was in love with the guy, but unfortunately now I know what it feels like to be cared for and cheered on and unconditionally accepted, and what I assume it must feel like to be loved (even though I know he didn’t love me).  So now, I actually know what I’ve been missing out on and how to be treated and I have to try and find that AGAIN, with someone who’s actually ready for a relationship?!  It took 41 years to find a glimpse of that; the idea of finding it again seems impossible.  My brain and my heart and my very real reality can’t even picture how that could ever happen, but now how could I go back to anything less?

Maybe It’s the Indo Talking.  I Mean Endo.

Mid-July is when everything started to take a turn.  That’s when the guy ended our communication and if I wasn’t hurting enough emotionally, why not throw some physical pain in there too and have my body turn against me?!  What the eff, am I Job or something?  (That’s Bible humor for those of you that don’t know.)

I saw the doctor more times this year than I’ve probably seen her in the last 15.  I could share all the fun details of how I was squished and poked and prodded and violated multiple times, but I’ll give you the Coles Notes version.  Amongst a few other findings, I was diagnosed with Endometriosis this fall.  In fact, my doctor suspects I’ve had it all along!  Information that might’ve been helpful 28 years ago…

What is Endometriosis?  You can Google it, it’s nothing serious, but basically the symptoms are painful periods and difficulty conceiving.  As an extremely single women, with zero prospects, who’s a month away from turning 42, I’m not too concerned if I have difficulties conceiving, since the possibility of conception at this point would be as miraculous as Mary giving birth to Jesus.  As for the painful periods – uh, yea, I’ve been very aware of those since I was 13!  Moral of the story, as a first option of treatment, my doctor placed me back on birth control to try and normalize my body again and when I had the prescription filled the pharmacist said to me “pay attention to your moods, we’re adjusting your hormone levels and some women get depressed.”

Now, I don’t know if it’s birth control induced mood swings, all of the changes that happened this year with the guy and my friend moving away and my cousin having a baby (read about it in The One Without a Title) or if it’s the January 1st funk of the pending doom of another 365 days of the same…  Maybe it’s a combo of all 3.  All I know is I’ve never felt as completely hopeless as I have the last couple months.

The New Normal

I’ve done the same thing on New Year’s Day for years now.  I pull out a journal and review the previous years goals, I write down some of the highlights of the year passed and I write out my goals for the current year.  This year though, I had a hard time coming up with anything.  Covid is still restricting us from so many things and I’m the girl who relies on future plans or goals, or something to look forward to or work towards, to keep me going.  I feel like that’s all I’ve got and without it, I don’t have a reason to go on.  I’ve said it in multiple blogs, why am I here?  What is my purpose?  I don’t have a husband or kids.  I don’t have my dream career or a job that any other girl couldn’t do.  I write this blog, but there’s thousands of bloggers out there to choose from.  I’m running out of reasons to convince myself why I even exist and looking into 2021, I just get sad, because it already feels like nothing could possibly change.  And when I think about that possibility of living another year and being in this exact same place in a year’s time, like I have been so many January’s before, I’m just done.  I’m seriously so over it.  I’ve clung to the hope of “one day” and “I must be getting closer” and I’ve prayed outrageous prayers for years with no changes and I don’t know how much longer I can do this for.  And even if by some miracle the world would go back to “normal”, after 2020, the normal I had doesn’t even exist anymore, so what do I have to look forward to?

One Day at a Time

I usually try to end my blogs on a positive note so I don’t sound like a complete Debbie Downer, but I don’t know that I have a great pep talk in me right now.  All I know is this – I don’t have the answers to my questions and I don’t know what 2021 holds, but I know that I’m closing the door on 2020 and some of the things I thought I was being led to, but have been proven otherwise.  My pastor said this morning to take back what 2020 took from you and it took my hope, so I’m going to try and get some of that back, even though admittedly, I’m actually really afraid to.  Keeping your hopes up means they have a place to fall from and disappoint you and mine usually do!  But, I will continue to pick myself up, one day at a time, put on a smile, even if some days it’s fake and I will keep going, because really, where else do I have to go?