Here’s the situation: Surrender is hard!  But why?  If God is good and God is for me and God has a plan that’s better than any of my plans, why aren’t I a little more “Jesus take the wheel” and a little less “hold my poodle”?

Before I get started, this blog is sort of a continuation of two previous blogs.  I reference thoughts or circumstances from them, so without my having to recap everything, I suggest you also read The One Without a Title and Hope Lost. (Click on either title for the link)

No Surrender

Does anyone remember when the brand No Fear was all the rage?  It was definitely in the 90’s.  Did you know there was also a brand called No Surrender?  If this is the first you’re hearing of it, then your family must’ve had money!  It was the ‘more affordable’ (aka imitation) brand they sold at Kmart and well, we didn’t have money so we shopped there!  I also worked there for a year and a half and every time I would walk past a rack of the t-shirts, I would say under my breath “no surrender!” in a sort of Braveheart FREEDOM-esque voice and it always make me chuckle, because the brand was supposed to sound so hardcore, but like, you’re lame.  You’re sold at Kmart and we all know you’re just trying to be No Fear.

Well, I wonder if every time I uttered those words to myself, the idea was actually planting seeds that I unknowingly watered, because I have walked out way too many years of my life in a state of ‘no surrender’.  That doesn’t sound so bad though, does it?  I mean, it actually sounds kind of strong!  It’s just another way of saying I’m not giving up or backing down and those can be really good things, but unfortunately, when you become a Christian, one of the main things you’re called to do is surrender to God (submit your own will to the will of God, showing complete faith in Him, belief in His promises and choosing to trust Him in everything), so if you’re clinging to your own things and unwilling to surrender them, it becomes a real internal tug-of-war, let me tell you!

Modus Operandi

Have you ever run an idea past a friend and all you really wanted was for them to agree with what you’re thinking, but instead they ask something so frustrating, like what your motives are or if your intentions are pure?  Um, of course they are!  …and we really do believe that most of the time too, but if you’ve ever dared to strip back your excuses and be 100% honest with yourself, you might’ve found that your intentions were not quite as pure as you thought!  That’s kind of what I discovered about myself with surrender.

For years I’ve been convinced that I’ve surrendered every area of my life to God and I was using the things that I do, or don’t do (anymore), to quantify that.  I mean, I go to church every Sunday, I serve on a team and I join small groups.  I tithe and I read my bible.  I volunteer.  I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I don’t do drugs, I don’t look for validation from men or relationships, etc, etc.  I felt like Chandler Bing – could I be anymore surrendered?!  Turns out, I could.

(Stomp Stomp Clap, Stomp Stomp Clap) He Will, He Will, Prod You

I believe that a lot of us to need to hit a rock bottom of some sort before we’ll make a change.  That, or we need to get to a place where we’re finally sick enough of the way things are that we’re willing to try something different.  At least that’s how it is for me!  I mean, why would we change anything if things are working for us?  If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, right?  And it’s because I’m a Christian that I also believe that God will sometimes allow a once-good situation to turn sour or “bad” things to happen in our lives in order to drive that change.  It’s like His way of cattle-prodding us to move and even though He’s probably trying to move us to a healthier state or to something better, sometimes it feels like nothing more than a cattle prod!

Previously On The Situation Room

If you’ve been keeping up with TSR, then you know that the past few years I’ve felt like I was in a constant deficit.  It’s been one change after another for other people and their gains were usually my losses.  I would get close to a friend and then they would get married.  I would get close to another friend and then they would move away.  Others started having babies and others left the church I was attending.  Everything was changing for me and yet nothing was changing for me.  It becomes pretty disheartening watching everyone pass you by, and they’re not just months ahead of you, they’re years ahead of you!  You start to feel pathetic and like something must be wrong with you.  You wonder if you’re being punished for something you did in your past.  You feel like you’ve failed at life or you’ve failed at being a woman and no matter what you do, your life just. won’t. progress.  After enough time goes by without any change, you can’t even see how anything ever could change anymore.  Reality just becomes too real.

That’s the place I had gotten to earlier last year and that’s when I figured – fine, if this is my lot in life, then I guess I’ll just try to make the best of it.  I have to, I have no other choice.  As frustrating and disappointing and heartbreaking as it was that that had even become my option, I was certain I could at least survive this life, as long as I had the few close friends I had left and nothing more changed.

…and that’s when God laughed.  (And rustled up the ol’ cattle prod.)

Do You Smell What The Rock is Cooking?

If you’ve been keeping up with TSR, then you’ll also know that last year 2 more of my close friends’ lives changed drastically – changing everything for me, again!  And then there was that guy I mentioned in Hope Lost.  Even after he had cut off our contact, I still left the door ajar.  I mean, we didn’t completely stop talking and I still maintained my curiosity about what might happen in the future (and I’m pretty sure the curiosity was mutual).  However, that door was swiftly SLAMMED shut on New Year’s Eve of all days!  And not even during the day, but like, around 9 p.m.; leaving me with one final blow to end the year.

That evening I found out (from the guy himself) that shortly after me, he had met a new girl and dated her, “officially”.  This from the guy who told me multiple times he couldn’t handle anything more than a friendship at the moment, and that we couldn’t stay in contact because he needed to go figure out his life and work on himself, by himself.  Mmhmm…I see that worked out well.  After learning of this new information, a social media post he had put up a few weeks prior immediately came to mind.  In it, he had cryptically announced how he’d met someone this last year and fallen in love with her (and he assumed this someone would read the post and know who she was).  When I read it I thought – oh wow! I figured he liked me, but I didn’t realize he felt that strongly!  If you’re tracking with me though, you can probably guess – that post was NOT about me!  If the other stuff was the door being slammed shut, then that was the door being locked and the key being thrown away!

At the literal end of 2020, I had been stripped of all of my comforts, all of my potential plans or hopes for the future and everything/everyone I was relying on to survive.  The real annoying part though, is that I suspected I knew who kept allowing these things to get taken from me and why.

Friggin’ Surrender

As I started the new year, rock bottom and sick enough of the way things were to be willing to make a change, I began to think about surrender.  Surrender (and/or putting God first) is actually what’s been unearthed every time I was struggling or wondering if and when things would ever change for me.  I would be sharing with someone and they’d Matthew 6:33 me, or anytime I was going through something, the church message would always be about Matthew 6:33.  Anyone who was ever trying to encourage me, even strangers, would quote Matthew 6:33 to me.  I hated Matthew 6:33.

But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.

– Matthew 6:33 (NKJV) (emphasis mine)

When I signed up to see a counselor for 6 sessions a few years back, I wanted the quick fix.  Tell me what’s wrong with me and how to fix it so that my life can move forward.  We pulled back a few layers and no surprise, unearthed surrender…or my lack thereof.  What? – don’t you remember my list of how surrendered I am?  After 3 sessions we agreed that meeting any further would be pointless; both her and I knew what I needed to do.  I think I went home and over time just let go of a few of my dreams, further proving to myself that I’d surrendered even more areas, but in reality, defeat ≠ surrender.

This year though, with no comforts and no plans and no people left to rely on, combined with my unwillingness to go around this mountain again, it was time to try something new.  “Ok God, I get it, you are literally all I have left.  Now what?”  As hopeless as I may ever feel, I’m also an action person.  I’m not the type who’s going to cry about her life without also working towards a solution and this year, the solution looked like a white flag.

Irrational Fears

I sat down to really think about surrender and once I stripped back my excuses and actually got honest with myself, I began to realize just how scared of surrender I was.  How scared of surrender I’ve been.  In fact, I am terrified of God’s will for my life!  I started jotting down notes:

• I feel like if I surrender, I can’t have dreams or plans or desires of my own, or even an opinion!  And if I do still have those things, then maybe I’m not fully surrendered? or ever will be?
• What if I surrender my will for God’s will and His will is that I become a missionary?  I don’t want to be a missionary!
• I’m afraid that if I surrender my singleness for whatever God has in store, maybe what he has in store is singleness?  Or that if I surrender my desire to be married, God will say “ok finally!  Now that you’re ok being single, that’s what you get – being single”.
  • On the flip side, I’m afraid that if I surrender my desire to be married, I’ll actually lose that desire and I don’t know if I want to lose that.  Plus then I’ll have wasted so many years “becoming the person” and learning what it takes to have a great relationship that I don’t even get to put it into practice?
• I’m afraid if I surrender my timeline and the things that I want take too long to come to fruition, I’ll just get discouraged and be here again.

Not only all of that, but HOW do you surrender?  How do you go from wanting things for years to suddenly being ok with the possibility of a different outcome?  Is surrender just a simple choice – “I choose surrender!” or is it a struggle – “I want to surrender, but I need help with it!”?  I actually do believe that God’s plan IS the best plan for my life, but what if His plan isn’t even close to mine?  What if His plan holds nothing more than this life that I’m already living, but being ok with it?  And why would he create me one way, put desires in me and then ask me to let go of them?

Guess I’m Dating Jesus Now

Gosh, I pulled a thread and the whole sweater unraveled!  I guess when it comes down to it, we’re really only willing to surrender to someone we truly trust and you can only trust someone you know and you can only know someone you spend time with!  Apparently I don’t know God as well as I think I do, since I’m always anticipating the “lessons” He plans to teach me, instead of anticipating the blessings He wants to give me.

The best way I could think of to rectify this whole hot mess of mine was to fast.  Let me tell you something, which is probably no shock now since it seems I’m hardly even a Christian!  I’ve never fasted.  And I’ve never intended to fast either!  Good for the people who do, but I love food.  The few times I’ve considered fasting, my motives were wrong.  I wanted the quick fix – maybe if I were to fast, God would give me what I want.

Fasting really is not about trying to get miracles and breakthroughs from God.  It is about aligning yourself with God and what he already wants.  We don’t fast to get God to change something.  We fast so that we are changed and come into a greater level of faith.

– Stovall Weems, Awakening

I need more faith.  I need to surrender.  I need to know God more and trust God.  This time my intentions were pure.

January 1st when I wrote out my goals for the year, under spiritual goals (there’s 5 categories: personal, relational, financial, spiritual and miracle), I wrote “maybe fast for the 1st time ever. UGH“.  By January 2nd I had already decided I was going to fast this year.  It would be 21 days and I would start Monday, January 11th.  Then the very next day, January 3rd, my church announced they were starting 21 days of fasting and prayer on the 10th.  I opted to bump up my start date so that I could do it alongside the church and with the book Awakening (a 21 day devotional about prayer and fasting).  I won’t go into all of the details here, but I allowed myself to eat from 7 a.m. to 3 p.m. (8 hrs) and chose to fast everything but water from 3 p.m. to 7 a.m. (16 hrs).  (Feel free to message me if you want more details about the whole experience.)

I’m happy to report I finished the 21 days yesterday and I crushed it!  Like, I’m actually super proud of myself!  So here we are, the first day after and how do I feel?  Well, I can’t say that I heard from God or know my distinct purpose or that I’m even expecting my life to change at all, but I feel alive again and my spirits are up and my fears are (mostly) down.  Yes, I’m still a little afraid of God’s will, but I’m choosing (because it doesn’t come natural just yet) to continue working on my surrender and trusting that God is good, God is for me and His plan is better than any of my plans.  So, I guess…Jesus take the wheel?

I would rather live my life as if there is a God and die to find out that there isn’t, than live my life as if there isn’t and die to find out there is.

– Albert Camus