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IMO

/ Roxie / 1 Comment

Here’s the situation: There are so many opinions in the world and so many people who can’t handle other people’s opinions!  Why?

Do you know what annoys me?  I know, it’s hard to narrow down to just one thing!  When people make sweeping, matter-of-fact statements in a way that leaves no room for you to respond or feel otherwise.  “________ is the greatest musician of our generation, period!”  Or, when someone tells you what you or other people should’ve done.  “You should’ve…”, “they should’ve…”.   Thanks tips, it’s a little late now!  Also…all of those are just opinions.  Your opinions, and I might disagree with them.  My disagreeing with them doesn’t make me any more right or you any more wrong though.  It’s just a difference in opinion, but lately it seems like people cannot handle when someone has an opposing view!

I’m Just Here For the Comments

We see this overtly played out on social media.  Wanna witness immaturity in action – just go to the comments section!  To me, the comments are the equivalent of children holding their thumbs to their head, wiggling their fingers and saying “neener neener neener”, but sadly it’s the adults who are acting so ridiculous.

Our discomfort with an opposing view is another contributing factor to why we have such a cancel culture.  Don’t like what someone has to say or what they stand for?  Cancel everything they’ve ever done.  Disregard everything thing they’ve ever said.  Cut them out of humanity, their existence is now meaningless.  They must be silenced and we must be heard!  I understand if you want to stand up for a cause or stand up for justice, but also know, everyone is entitled to their own opinion and you ‘canceling’ them, isn’t necessarily going to change how they feel!  So what’s your desired outcome?  And do you think you can achieve it simply by pretending something or someone no longer exists?

A Christian, An Agnostic & A Muslim Walk Into a Bar

I’m fairly opinionated and at times I have no problem voicing that (often unpopular) opinion either.  I even enjoy a healthy heated discussion, but I learned many years ago that sometimes it’s best to just mind your own business!

It was a conversation I walked in on with 2 people I know very well.  One, a Muslim and one, well, just a loudmouth who loves to be heard!  They were debating the Bible and the Quran and women wearing a head covering.  I listened for a few minutes as the Muslim guy spoke about the Quran and the loudmouth about what the Bible has to say.  He actually wasn’t wrong, but he also wasn’t explaining the reasoning behind what the Bible says or old testament (old law) vs. new testament (new law).  It got to a point where I could no longer stand idly by and listen to a guy that does not attend church, does not practice any sort of religion and does not actually read the Bible, talk about it like he was some kind of scholar!  And so, I piped in.  All I wanted to do was give further explanation into why the Bible says what it says, as someone who understands it as an “insider”!  Instead, the loudmouth was now trying to lecture me about the Bible.  (Add that to my list of annoyances – when people try to educate me on something I’m actually more familiar with than them.)

That conversation was quite possibly the last time I ever voluntarily interjected when I wasn’t involved from the beginning!  What I learned from that and other conversations I’ve had, is that most times, people are not wanting to have a discussion to hear what you have to say from a curiosity standpoint.  They’re not looking for more information so that they can see another side or to change their own point of view; they just want to argue to try and sway you and if they can’t do that, then they at least want to make you look or feel like a fool!

Discussion Vs. Argument

Discussion – the action or process of talking about something in order to reach a decision or exchange ideas.

Argument – an exchange of diverging or opposed views, typically a heated or angry one.  A reason or set of reasons given with the aim of persuading others that an action or idea is right or wrong.

Opinions Are Like @$$holes – Everybody Has One

As an aside, why do we put so much stock into someone else’s opinion anyway?  They’re not us!  They didn’t have our upbringing.  We haven’t shared in our formative years and experiences, so they don’t have our thoughts or our feelings.  Have you ever wanted to go see a movie with a friend, but that friend says “it got really poor reviews”.  Ok, and?  It’s not going to deter me if I really want to see something.  I’ll make that judgement for myself.  Or have you ever read a newspaper review about a concert you were at the night before?  I have, many times, and while I probably thought the concert was great and enjoyed every minute of it, the writer spends the whole article criticizing everything from the opening act, right through to the encore.  Yes, well, that’s what happens when you send a 50 year old, hard rock loving man to a pop concert – he’s not going to enjoy it because it’s not his thing!  It’s an OPINION, but too often people are taking opinions as facts.opinions5 (2)

Or someone might voice an opinion on social media and within seconds, someone else is there to attack it.

“I’m really starting to be skeptical of the measures we’ve been told to take to keep ourselves safe from Covid-19.  Are they actually doing anything?  Why is the media insistent on perpetuating fear around something that has a 98% survival rate?”
– I can’t believe you would even post such a statement!  You should really educate yourself.  Hundreds of people are dying every day and you’re too good to wear a mask?!

…hold up – what?  How did one get that from the other?  That’s not even what they said at all!  And if you’re so offended by someone’s OPINION, there’s this little button that says Unfollow or even Mute, so that you don’t have to see what you don’t want to.  And you don’t need to announce it either.  “UNFOLLOWING.”  Why do we feel like if we disagree, we must disagree to the death?

Iron Sharpens Iron

As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.

– Proverbs 27:17 (NLT)

I’m sure you’re familiar with a version of this, even if you didn’t realize it originated from the Bible.  It’s a verse that uses something practical to illustrate a lesson.  I’ve seen an episode or two of Forged in Fire, but I’m no expert on bladesmithing (or whatever you call it), so the process may be different now, but back in the times when this verse was written, they would use one iron blade to sharpen another iron blade and in turn, both became a more effective tool.  Without the presence of the other, it was impossible to become sharper and both blades would be dull and useless.  I’ve always understood this verse to be something of two agreeable relationships strengthening each other, probably because of the use of the word “friend”, but depending what translation you read, sometimes it says “so one person sharpens another” (NIV).  Interesting.  “Another” might not necessarily be a friend, but I think the lesson can still apply!

Sometimes I feel like more people would be better off if they were like me!  They’d be organized, good with finances and their lives wouldn’t be so dramatic all the time, but I also know that I don’t want a world full of me’s out there – one is bad enough!  We actually need various personalities and opinions and I think opposing viewpoints can even help problem-solve at times.  Imagine you were trying to find a cure for a disease or invent something that would revolutionize the world.  What if everyone thought the same way as you?  Sure, you’d all be in agreement and everything would be peaceful, but also, no one would come up with new ideas.  No one would challenge old ideas.  There would be no progress.  So why are we so bothered when someone has a different opinion than us?  Our different opinions might actually be sharpening each other into a more effective tool!

Mind Your Own Beeswax

The few times I read the comments on a post of someone I follow, I usually find myself getting fired up and wanting to respond…but I don’t, because I know it’s not going to help anything!  Then I think about the people who regularly engage in comment wars.  They must be so stressed out all the time!  Life is hard enough, why would I voluntarily take on the burden of opposing your opinion?  And why do I care so much about convincing you your opinion is wrong?  Like I said before, it’s just an opinion and you’re as entitled to yours, as I am to mine.  I feel like people are afraid that if they don’t publicly oppose someone’s opinion, others will think that they agree with it.  Just because you don’t outright speak against something, doesn’t automatically mean you’re for something!  And I can tell you this much – resolution rarely happens in the comments section on social media, with strangers!

I’m not saying you have to like people with different opinions and I’m not saying you should blindly follow the masses either.  I just think sometimes it’s best not to engage.  Sometimes you need to agree to disagree.  Yes, think for yourself and don’t take opinions as facts and when you hear something, use discretion.  Use common sense.  Use logic.  If possible (like in real life), have a conversation, don’t have an argument.  Be inquisitive.  Find out why someone thinks the way they think without having an ulterior motive.  And sure, have your opinions, but be open to having your opinions changed too!  That doesn’t make you flaky, that actually shows you have character!  BUT…that’s just my opinion!

The One Without a Title

/ Roxie / 2 Comments

Here’s the situation: A lot of things had me ‘in my feelings’ these last 2 months and questioning God’s plan, but what else is new, right?  I started writing to process and just kept writing and well, this is it.  No title, no theme wrapped up with a bow.  It just is what it is, kinda like how I feel about life right now – it is what it is!

Back in September, I did something very unlike me and I joined a book club.  I was invited by a girl from church and even though I’m not a huge reader, I figured it was a good opportunity to meet and make new friends!  The book: Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge.  The plan: read 1 chapter a week and meet weekly to discuss.

One of the evenings a girl in the group asked if we could think of any times in our lives when we were mad at God for doing something we didn’t like or thought was a bad thing, but now we can see He did it for our good (Romans 8:28).  That was a pretty easy yes.  I can think of countless times I’ve been mad at God for what He was doing, because it seems like all He ever does is take things away from me!  Of course, with a little bit of time under my belt, I can usually see what he was saving me FROM, but the more I thought about that question and the things that I’m still waiting for 20/20 hindsight on, the more I started to wonder – but what exactly was He saving me FOR?!

Set Apart.  For This?

For me, there’s no denying it was God who saved me from multiple relationships that I wanted to settle on, but…for what?!  It’s not like He brought me out of them to bring me into something amazing, because He’s had years to do so, but I’m still single.  And almost every one of the friends I feel like HE specifically placed in my life during this “season” so that I wouldn’t feel so alone, HE then opened up doors for and gave opportunities to, which in turn took them out of my life a short time later!  If He knew He was just going to have them pass through my life, why did He bother bringing them into my life?  I sure didn’t need to get close to another person who was only going to leave.  Spare me the time and the heartache!

It’s that piece of my heart…  The piece that longs for companionship, be it a relationship or even just a friendship…  That desire that is supposedly a God-given desire…  It’s that piece that can’t seem to understand what God is up to.  He knows how I feel – why would He bring me here and then just leave me here all alone?

The (Claw) Game of Life

When I think about this in my life, I picture it like one of those claw machines you’d find at an arcade or a Chuck E. Cheese and we are all the toys inside.  The few times I’ve made some life-changing decisions, it was the claw (God) picking me up and dropping me in another spot in the machine.  Or, if there were times when the claw couldn’t grab ahold of me (because sometimes I’m stubborn and don’t want to budge, eg. a relationship He knew was headed nowhere), He would pick up the other toy and move them to a different corner instead.  But more often than not, it’s the claw coming to get one of my good toy-friends and carrying them all the way to the prize chute.  (The prize chute being where they get what they’ve been praying for or hoping for or secretly wishing for all along.)  With their spot in the machine now empty, other toys naturally tumble in to fill it’s place and just as I start to get comfortable with the new toys, here comes the claw again to take another one away…

This Ain’t No Kirk Cameron Movie

Left behind.  That’s how it feels anyway – every time a friend gets married, moves away, has a baby.  All of these things are exciting and I am happy for them, but for me?  Every step forward they take is a reminder of where I’m not (and not even close to being), and it’s a step further away from me.  I’m aware of how immature and selfish that sounds and I know that my friendships won’t end because of these things, but they also won’t ever be the same.  Distance changes dynamics.  Spouses change priorities.  Children change everything.  And that’s fine, that’s life.  That’s what’s supposed to happen.  You’re supposed to grow up!  Leave and cleave.  Heck, if their opportunities had been my opportunities…?  Pssh, later b****es!  So who can blame them?  I would never expect a friend to stay where they’re at on my behalf.  That would be immature and selfish and I sure wouldn’t do it for them!  Unfortunately, their changes have become increasingly more difficult for me the last couple of years, because their changes are now affecting my plans for the future (unbeknownst to them)!

Morgan – You’ve changed.  You always promised me you’d never be one of those girls who ditches their best friend the minute they get a boyfriend.

Mindy – I would never promise that.  All I’ve wanted in my life is to abandon all my friends for a boyfriend.

– Mindy Kaling & Ike Barinholtz, The Mindy Project, S3E4 (I Slipped)

The Back-up Plan

My life feels stuck.  What’s even more annoying is I’m pretty sure it’s no fault of my own either.  I haven’t rejected opportunities or prioritized a career above all else.  I didn’t put off getting married or having a family because I wanted to travel while I was young or save money first.  I’ve been here.  I’ve been ready.  I’ve been trying to make it happen, but no matter what I do, this seems to be where the Lord keeps me and I don’t get it.  Not sure I ever will either, but rather than try to understand anymore, I’ve just been trying to make the best out of life.  Making the best of it however, has been very dependent on my friends and my friends’ lives not changing.  I hate to say it, but my friends, in a way, have become the back-up plan to the things I really want.

Now, DON’T misunderstand me – I love my friends!!  I love spending time with them and even if I were in a relationship, I already know there are things that I’d prefer to do with friends!  Friends are so important!  What I mean, is that there are things that I want that at this point, don’t look like they are ever going to happen, so I’ve had to let go of them and find contentment in the next best thing.

Next Best Thing #1

I want to travel!  I should probably preface this by telling you that I don’t want to travel alone.  Sorry, but the fun for me is exploring with a friend, not going by myself, so for the time being, that’s not an option.

There are trips that are easy to take with friends, but then there are trips that would be better taken with a significant other.  For instance, I’ve always wanted to stay in a glass bottom bungalow in Tahiti for my honeymoon.  Not exactly a vacation that you take with a friend!  I’d also like to get to Europe at some point and if I’m headed all the way in that direction, I’d like to take a few weeks or a month and explore all the places, instead of spending a week in 1 destination and hoping to make it back another time.  It’s easy for my friend’s husbands to say “sure, take a girls trip to Vegas for a few days”, but it’s a far cry for any of them to be able to take a month and a chunk of their savings to go somewhere they’d probably like to explore as a couple!  (Also, I’m not sure I’d want to spend a month with just a friend.)

Sans significant other, I certainly won’t be going to Tahiti and my European vacation doesn’t look very promising either.  It’s disappointing, but the next best thing is that one of my best friends is my cousin and she’s always up for travel!  Plus, her husband wants to travel too and doesn’t seem to mind me being around.  We never really discussed it, but it didn’t seem like they were planning to have kids, so I took solace in the fact that I would likely always have them as travel partners and I already knew they wanted to go back to England, so I could at least get there!  It was also comforting knowing that when I’m 80 and probably still single without children, they’d be 80 without children too, so while everyone else had kids and grandkids to spend time with or to take care of them, we’d have each other in our uncommon life paths.

And then…this spring she announced that she was pregnant.  It’s amazing, but it also totally changed my trajectory.  They were the crux of my singleness survival plan!  They were the 1 thing that didn’t make me fear how my future might end up, but now their lives are forever going to be different from mine!

Next Best Thing #2

I talked about it in All By Myself – I’ve always had a sort of ‘friend spouse’ in my life.  That person I did the boring parts of life with (running errands), as well as the fun.  It’s a lot more rare now, as most everyone is married, but over the years there’s always been at least 1 girl my age, in my stage of life who was up for the same adventures as me!  Or to do things that would be considered a date if you were on them with a man, but since we were both single, why not go on a “date” with each other?  It’s better to be out with a friend than sitting at home alone!  Would I prefer to be doing these things with a man?  Yea, for sure, sometimes!  But, I figured, if I am called to a lifetime of singleness, I’m not going to be thrilled about it, but I should be able to survive it, as long as I have this friend in my life.

This friend though, whoever played the role of it in changing seasons, has always been taken from me!  It’s what I talked about before.  They were brought into my life, but then God relocated them or brought them a spouse or both and with my most recent friend, she got a job transfer that moved her across the country and now there’s literally no one left to fill the role!

Are You There God?  It’s Me, MargaRoxie

So, we’re back at the beginning again; what exactly is He saving me FOR?  I used to believe that what was in store for me must be amazing, that’s why it was taking all that extra time.  Or even that God had to keep emptying the spots I kept trying to fill so that I’d even have space for the someone He was planning to bring along.  After this much time has passed with zero progress though, I’m not convinced of either of those things anymore.  What am I going to do about it?  Nothing.  I’ll still believe in God.  I’ll still have the same desires.  I’ll still get mad at God for taking things away from me and I’ll still keep trying to trust that He is actually doing something.  And, I’ll keep trying to make the best out of life and writing about it until nobody reads this anymore!

jesus_teddy

Say What You Need to Say

/ Roxie / 1 Comment

Here’s the situation: Sometimes I wish people would just do as John Mayer instructed and say what they need to say! 

A little over a year ago, a girl I’d been friends with for nearly 6 years, decided to end the friendship by, well, starting a text conversation, but never replying to it.  Normally I wouldn’t let go of a friendship with such ease, but this particular one had wore me out.

We met through mutual friends after she moved to my city not knowing anyone and we got along instantly.  We were close in age, in the same stage of life, shared similar hopes, dreams, the same faith, and we seemed to enjoy spending our free time the same way, which made hanging out really easy!  She was inquisitive and great at drawing information from you and listening as you poured your heart out, especially when you were struggling.  However, when the tables were turned, she was super secretive, would deflect every question and brushed off things that mattered by cheekily saying “it’s better this way”.

It wasn’t.

I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to cultivate a friendship with someone who’s built impenetrable walls around themselves, topped those walls with razor wire and surrounded them with a moat filled with piranhas, but it’s emotionally taxing!  Getting to the depth of friendship that I’m used to and think is normal and healthy after knowing someone for 6 years and spending countless hours with them, was impossible with her!  It’s not like I was prying for her deepest darkest secrets either.  I just thought maybe we’d gotten close enough that, for example, she’d tell me about a date she went on over the weekend, after the date happened, rather than finding out 2 months down the road that she even had a date!  Isn’t that what friends do?  Share their lives with each other?

If she was wrestling with something, rather than reach out, she would seclude herself and quit replying to texts or worse, reply with passive short answers…and for weeks at a time!
K Fine Texts THIS ONE
And you knew it wasn’t all good, but because she would never tell you what was going on, it was hard not to take it personally!  I was always left wondering what I did or said that was wrong and it felt like I was constantly begging her to be my friend or allow me to be her friend.  It was very disheartening.

When she would finally emerge from her funk, we would have an open and honest conversation about what was going on, how she was feeling, how it made me feel when she withdrew without explanation and I’d remind her that I was her friend and I made a good friend, if she’d only let me!

Save the Drama For Your Mama

I wish I could say that her and I only ever had that issue once.  Unfortunately, that exact cycle of radio silence and chasing and heart-to-hearts happened about 4 times in a 6 year span.  I’ve maintained friendships for 20+ years without anything remotely close to that happening once!  By the last time, I’d grown weary of it all.  If things hadn’t changed after I’d addressed it every time before, they probably never would.  I knew it was only a matter of time before we’d be back at that same place and emotionally, I couldn’t go through it again.

One of the things she said to me in her last text was that she ‘always considered my best and ignored her discomfort‘.  The text came a couple days after we had hung out and had an in-person conflict, so that instance being the reference point, I understood the text to mean that she always did what I wanted to do, even when she wasn’t feeling it.  (And because she never texted back when I replied to her, I never got clarification.)  That statement frustrated me!  It still frustrates me.  If she felt that way, why didn’t she say something?!  If I suggested plans that she didn’t want to do or plans that actually made her uncomfortable, why didn’t she say so?  Or say no?  And how long had she felt like that?  Why didn’t she just tell me what she was thinking or feeling from the start?!

You Want the Truth?  You Can’t Handle the Truth!

As a whole, I don’t think we like to disappoint people.  Most of us are afraid to say no and we don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings either.  We don’t want to offend anyone, rock the boat or do anything that might lead to a confrontation and we really don’t like the vulnerability, and sometimes awkwardness, that comes with being honest!  Instead, we tell these seemingly harmless little white lies to placate a situation.  You know the ones.  “I’ll call you.”  “Sure, I’d love to!”  “It’s not you, it’s me.”  (“No, those pants don’t make you look fat!”)

And if we’re not saying something, like my former friend, we’re probably saying nothing at all and just going with the flow until we can’t handle the flow anymore.  That’s usually when everything bubbles to the surface and the very things we were avoiding by playing nice, erupt into something much larger, that didn’t have to happen if we had only been honest with each other!

Unmet expectations lead to future resentments.

I know the intent is pure, but when I’ve been lied to or shielded from the truth, simply because someone didn’t want to hurt my feelings, it almost seemed to hurt more than it might’ve had they just been honest from the beginning.  I mean, I’m a big girl – I can handle the truth!

Quit Playing Games With My Heart

As I get older, I’m really starting to appreciate when people are just plain honest with me.  Sure, sometimes honesty stings, but it really only stings for a moment.  Unlike the polite little lies we tell, when we’re honest, there’s nothing left in question.  Plus, honesty gives you a starting place to work from or an ending place to move from.

The easiest examples of this are from my past relationships.  More often than not I was ghosted, which is just rude and immature, but it’s also incredibly frustrating because you never know why or what happened!  It always took me way longer to get over these relationships too, since there was never any real closure.

The Great Ghost Debate

Ghosting – The practice of ceasing all communication and contact with a partner, friend or individual, without any apparent warning or justification and subsequently ignoring any attempts made by said partner, friend or individual to reach out or communicate.

I’ve heard arguments about what can actually be considered ghosting and what can’t.  For instance, if you went on 1 date and never heard from that person again, it technically isn’t ghosting.  I’m still on the fence about that, but in my instances of ghosting, there’s no debate.  A sudden drop of communication after dating someone for a month, 4 months, even up to 10 months…there was a definite poltergeist at hand.

Then there were the courteous break ups.  These are the ‘nice’ guys, who don’t want to hurt you, so they try to soften the blow by telling you all the amazing things about yourself.  “You’re the perfect woman.”  “Whoever ends up with you is going to be the luckiest guy.”  “I might regret this.”  (If you know me, you can probably hear how snidely I’m saying these lines.)  I don’t know if these guys realize they aren’t doing you any favors; they’re really just confusing you and making the break up even more difficult.  If I’m so great and you might regret this, why are you breaking up with me?!  The relationship might have closure, but your mind doesn’t.

Cause all you had to say was that you ain’t
Looking for commitment
Instead of telling me what I wanted to hear

– Shattered, Backstreet Boys

Lastly are my favorite break ups – if you can have a favorite break up.  These ones are rare because they take guts.  They usually take place in person and involve 100% honesty.  No-games, straight-up, here’s-exactly-what-I’m-thinking, here’s-exactly-what-I’m-feeling, mature conversations!  And they haven’t all been break ups either; sometimes they were just an honest dialog to discuss why we wouldn’t or shouldn’t start dating.  As agonizing and uncomfortable and heartbreaking as these conversations have the potential to be (for both parties involved), I always appreciate the transparency!  It’s actually so refreshing when you have someone tell it like it is and I WISH we practiced more of this in our day-to-day!

TBH

So why don’t we communicate better?  It’s the one thing we all do, every day; you’d think we’d want to do it well.

The greatest relationships (dating, friendships et al.) are the ones that bring out the best in you or help to make you the best version of yourself, but how can we do that for each other when we stay silent?  What’s wrong with letting someone know your expectations or telling them when they’ve hurt you?  Why can’t we just tell each other what we think or feel?  We should be able to be honest or call each other out on things and trust that we do have each others best interest at heart.  We also need to be open to hearing some truth too though.  That being said, these things should be done when there’s still the intent to work on the relationship, not as a final goodbye.  And remember, you can be honest, while still being kind!

Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from any enemy.

– Proverbs 27:6 (NLT)

(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction

/ Roxie / 1 Comment

Here’s the situation: When plans don’t go the way I intended, I’m learning to make the best of them, but even though I can find happiness in the day-to-day and unpredictable moments, overall, I’m just not satisfied!

If I were to ask you what your biggest fears are, would you be able to easily identify them?  Some of the most common ones are the fear of public speaking and the fear of dying.  I am totally in agreement with the public speaking thing – thanks, but no thanks!  And though I’ve never really been afraid of dying, I have feared how I might die.  Alone, in my condo and nobody would notice until my neighbors called the police because of the smell coming from my unit.  That’s when they’d discover my body, half eaten by 42 cats.  Do I own a cat?  No.  Do I plan to own a cat?  Never.  But I feel like they find you at a certain point in your singleness and they’re probably already en route.

Ok, so having a bunch of cats eat my flesh may be a bit of a stretch, but if you were to ask me my biggest fears, for the longest time I would’ve said dying alone.  Or I guess rather, dying having never been married.  Even though the idea of being eternally single can still evoke bouts of panic, it seems to have taken a backseat to what I might actually be afraid of now:

  1. Living an ordinary life.
  2. Never truly being satisfied or content.

Ordinary is in the Eye of the Beholder

chasing-sunriseSo what is an “ordinary life”?  I suppose everyone would have a different idea, but I fear the ordinary in a variety of ways.  I fear there never being anything more to my life than working Monday to Friday, 8 to 5, just to pay bills and afford some things I enjoy.  That doesn’t feel like living life, that feels like surviving life.

Ordinary makes me think of living a ‘small’ life, for lack of a better word.  For example, rarely venturing outside of your community or having a circle of friends that never grows.  Or ‘small’ like you’re so stuck in your little world that you never try anything new and you immediately reject ideas that might take you out of your comfort zone.  Don’t get me wrong – I am not a spontaneous, fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of girl.  I like information, my decisions are usually well thought out and I enjoy a good comfort zone, but I don’t want to get so stuck that I never stretch myself.  There is a world out there and I would like to experience it!

I also fear an ordinary life in that, I might have an unremarkable existence.  You hear people say stuff like “they are the best thing that ever happened to me” or “meeting them changed my life“.  I would like to be that for someone.  I want to make an impact.  I want my life to matter and have meaning, but right now, it kind of feels like it doesn’t.

Survey Says

I texted a few of my friends recently and asked them some seriously loaded questions.  Questions that unintentionally made them worry about my mental health!  Things like:

  • Are you content or satisfied with your life?
  • Do you feel like there’s something that’s missing?  Or something you’re striving for that you think will make you happier?
  • Do you think you’re living out your purpose on earth?

I just wanted to know how people felt about their lives in comparison to me.  Are their jobs fulfilling?  Do they feel like they have purpose?  Or maybe they didn’t feel like they had purpose until they found their spouse or had children?  Is there still something inside of them wanting to get out or goals left to accomplish that they won’t be happy until they achieve?  Mainly, did they truly feel content or satisfied, or I suppose, settled in their lives?  And not that they had settled, but that they were settled; they had a peace about their lives.  Maybe I’m the only one who’s never satisfied with where I’m at?

Striving

That heading about sums it up.  It could be the perfectionist in me or the administrator, or the part of me that hates inefficiency, but I feel like there’s always room for improvement – in myself and in my surroundings.  So that’s what I do; I continuously strive to do better, be better, look better, write better, get fitter, save more, find a more efficient way, etc.

I know the word striving has it’s negative connotations, but I don’t necessarily see striving as a bad thing.  After all, it just means ‘to make great efforts to achieve a goal‘ and there’s nothing wrong with that!  However, I question whether I’m striving because I’m naturally more inclined to due to my personality, or if I’m really just striving to compensate for the areas where I feel that I lack.

The Purposeless Driven Life

When I look around me, I see a bunch of people doing amazing things.  Friends that have always had great aspirations and are actually accomplishing those things.  Lawyers and fashion designers and police officers and business owners.  Creatives and crafters and driven people!  I have a friend who’s a missionary and I have friends who might not think they’re doing anything special, but they are husbands and wives or fathers and mothers and they are cultivating loving homes and raising the next generation.  Their lives all have purpose!  And then I look at my life and wonder what the heck I’m doing here!

Unlike most, I never had great aspirations.  I honestly and naïvely thought I’d get married right out of high school and I guess I assumed that’s all there was to life; graduate and get married.  That was the path everyone I knew had taken, so why would I need other aspirations?  I never even considered things might not work that way for me.  (The fact that no boys were interested in me should’ve tipped me off though!)  I guess the only real plan I had was to go with the flow until I met my husband.

So, with no career goals in mind, I got a job at Kmart after high school and when they went out of business, I worked for my dad.  And when my dad’s boss retired and sold the company to new owners, they laid me off because they wanted to bring in their own staff.  When that happened, the original owner offered to pay for me to go to business school and it didn’t matter if I wanted to or not, my parents told me – you don’t turn down free education!  Nearing that graduation, the school would fax your resume to company’s looking to hire, which is how I got the job I still have to this day, so I didn’t even pick my career, it picked me!  I did take a small hiatus in the middle to pursue a few careers of my choice, but they didn’t pan out as I thought.

A solid 20 years went by before I started to grasp the reality that this marriage thing I was waiting for, legitimately might never happen for me!  If only for the survival of my heart, I decided to let go of that dream as best as I could (but obviously not entirely).  That’s when plan B surfaced.  A plan I am now striving towards.  It’s a new dream and a new goal and if I can achieve it, it might make me feel like I have purpose and validate my worth in all of the areas I feel that I lack.  It would pacify all of my fears of living an ordinary life and never being satisfied!

…but…what if it doesn’t?

Insatiable

What if this dream doesn’t become a reality?  What if I never end up with plans A or B?  Can I be content with neither?  Would I even be content if I had both?  Will I ever feel satisfied or will I always be striving for more?

Everything is wearisome beyond description.  No matter how much we see, we are never satisfied.  No matter how much we hear, we are never content.

– Ecclesiastes 1:8 (NLT)

I’m honestly not sure how to reconcile the possibility that my life may never reflect what I hope for and if that happens, how do you find contentment or satisfaction when you always feel there’s room for improvement?  And if you have to choose to be content, rather than actually being content, are you, in a way, just settling?  Or should we view the stirring in our souls as a nudge to keep striving towards a goal?  Maybe the dissatisfaction means we haven’t arrived yet and we need to keep working?  Maybe there is still more in store?  Who can know?!

Just as you cannot understand the path of the wind or the mystery of a tiny baby growing in it’s mothers womb, so you cannot understand the activity of God, who does all things.

Plant your seed in the morning and keep busy all afternoon, for you don’t know if profit will come from one activity or another – or maybe both.

– Ecclesiastes 11: 5-6 (NLT)

Distractions

/ Roxie / 2 Comments

Here’s the situation: I think we waste a lot of time filling our days with distractions, not realizing there might be a bigger reason why we’re doing what we’re doing

I recently got sucked in to an episode of Dr. Phil, and I never watch shows like Dr. Phil!  It was a long weekend, a friend and I had just got back from a really long walk and when we plunked our lifeless bodies in front of the TV, Dr. Phil was the first thing that came on.  I’m ashamed and embarrassed and what’s worse – it was 3 parts, so I even set my PVR to record the next 2 episodes, because I had to know how it ended!

We missed the first 20 minutes, but were quickly intrigued by the topic of a lady who had been catfished by multiple men and scammed into giving away thousands of dollars.  I’m talking thousands; like over $100,000!  She met these men on online dating sites, but never in person, 3 of whom she got engaged to after as little as 5 days, 2 of which engagements overlapped, and conveniently, the men always happened to be stuck in another country or in some other extenuating circumstance that required her to send them money!

This lady pissed me off!  She was mousy and insecure and would barely look up to make eye contact.  Every time she opened her mouth to speak, I got more and more frustrated with her.  How can she be so naïve?  How can she fall for what is so obviously a scam?  How can I reach through the TV and slap her across her stupid face?!

She didn’t compute that she had been catfished and scammed, so throughout the 3 episodes Dr. Phil tried to make her face the facts.  He walked her through a timeline of her relationships and the money she’d lost and the absurdity of it all.  Dr. Phil sent a staff member to the country and address where 1 of these men said to be, but the address didn’t exist!  Dr. Phil even found the real men behind 2 of the photos and guess what?  They weren’t the men this woman was engaged to, but rather, men whose photos had been stolen and used by the catfishers’ on their profiles.

When all was said and done and Dr. Phil had done his best to prove everything was a lie (even though she still didn’t believe all of it was), she hung her head and said “now I have nothing left”.  What she had, and lost, was really just a fantasy and a distraction from reality.  As much as I hated this woman, a small piece of me felt for her and could even identify with her.  (Is this that empathy thing people are always talking about?)

Little Miss Analyzer

I think I’ve done every personality test out there and the result is always the same –  I’m an analyzer.  I’ve also cursed every personality test out there, because I want to be one of the fun personalities instead!  Alas, they are accurate, I am an analyzer.  I’m always surveying and processing and calculating the information I’m taking in.  I’m like the Terminator.  You know how he would scan someone up and down and gather data on his little red computer screen eyes?  (That’s how 1991’s Terminator 2 worked at least!)  Well, that’s how I feel – especially when it comes to guys.  Brace yourself for the crazy…

It doesn’t matter who you are in relation to me: someone I’ve been friends with for years, someone I’ve been on 1 date with or even a stranger I had a 3 minute conversation with; I’m constantly collecting intel and asking myself 1 of 2 questions – could this be the one*? or could you see yourself with this guy? (Unless of course you’re married, then you’re dead to me!)

I know that makes me sound like I should have the shower scene music from Psycho playing behind me at all times, but I swear I’m stable!  I blame this romanticism on my upbringing with Disney and rom-coms and years of listening to real life couples tell the tales of how they met!  The normal and/or “we met online” stories don’t often get expanded on, so it’s usually the unique ones that you hear every detail of.  Like, a guy that helped a random girl get her luggage off the baggage carousel at an airport, or strangers who met in line at a Starbucks.  When you’ve been single for a long time, or maybe I should say, when you’ve been hoping to find the one* for a long time, and infiltrated with so many exception-to-the-rule stories, it’s hard not to think that that magical moment could maybe, potentially, hopefully, one day be a possibility for you too.  Thus, your senses are always slightly heightened in every situation, especially when you’re already an analyzer!

If my brain can contemplate those questions with guys I’m not in a relationship with, just imagine how far and how fast it runs when I’m actually dating someone!

* I don’t subscribe to the notion of there being “the one”, so I’m only using this phrase as a concept that you can relate to, but really what I mean is I’m looking for my SOMEone

Love Hurts.  Love Bites.  Love is a Battlefield.

When life is going good, I forget to savor the moments.  I have this tendency to take the moments and build on them in my mind with grandiose fantasies of what could be and reside in those future moments.  I really should be in a Disney movie or a rom-com, because that’s the reality I like to live in.  And in Disney or rom-coms, that reality works out 100% of the time!  Unfortunately, real life doesn’t always and nothing reminds me of that faster than a break up.

Break ups suck!  I used to think they only sucked when you’re the one being dumped, but it turns out, they suck when you’re the one doing the dumping too…maybe just not quite as much!  I think the hardest part about a break up, whichever end of it you might be on, is not always letting go of the person, but letting go of the routine and the rhythms you created with that person and letting go of the picture you had for your future.  A break up robs you of what might’ve been.  I think that’s where we can get hung up or feel like we have nothing left.  The certainty we (thought we) had, just became uncertain and starting back at zero is a discouraging and scary place to be.  What if we never find anyone again?  What if our life doesn’t turn out the way we hoped?  How do we survive reality, when reality sometimes just bites?

The Great Escape

How do you cope with pain? rejection? disappointment? heartbreak? loneliness?  Even boredom?  Do you lose yourself in Netflix or video games or drown your sorrows with drugs or alcohol?  Are you a workaholic?  Shopaholic?  Do you eat your feelings or do you go extreme in the opposite direction and harness them into fitness?  Do you post on social media strictly to get likes because you need an ego boost?  Or maybe you’re addicted to dating apps and have multiple meaningless hook ups because attention is nice.  Perhaps you go on online dating sites with good intentions and get rapt up in a chat relationship with someone you don’t actually know, but they make you feel special and like you have something in your life?  Does that sound like that was maybe the case for the lady on Dr. Phil?  If you couldn’t identify with her before, can you now?

I can only assume she poured herself into her alternate online universe to distract herself from the pain • rejection • disappointment • heartbreak • loneliness • boredom in her real life.  And I base that on the thinking that we often do the same.  Our distractions just might not look so overtly desperate or we can get away with ours because they’re more socially acceptable.  In fact, we’re so used to constant stimulation, we might not even recognize that we are just distracting ourselves.  And there ain’t no shame in that game, we’ve all been there in some way!

We don’t like to sit with our feelings or actually take the time necessary to heal before moving on to the next thing, because the reality of that is, it might hurt more than we thought and take longer than we want.  So instead, we distract ourselves because distractions feel good, but more importantly, distractions distract!  They are an escape.  They give us something to focus on and help us forget reality or numb our pain, if even for just a little while.  Distractions pass the time, but when we’re distracted, we’re not passing it with any purpose!

Dis·trac·tion (noun) – a thing that prevents someone from giving full attention to something else

I’m sure you’ve heard the sayings wherever you go, there you are, or wherever you go, you take you with you.  They’re true.  You can’t outrun your pain, because you take it with you and you can only hide it from yourself for so long.   Whatever you choose to bury or ignore or distract yourself from, doesn’t go away, it just drags out the process and delays the inevitable!  It’ll still be there waiting for you whenever you’re ready to deal with it and you will have to deal with it, in some way, at some point.

lizlemon

Insert Food Related Metaphor Here

I don’t know about you, but when I’m at a potluck or a buffet and I have a variety of food on a plate in front of me, I like to take a nibble of each first to gauge the order I want to eat in.  This way I can avoid the stuff that isn’t good, eat the ok food next and finish with the really good stuff, leaving on a high note, because there’s nothing worse than your last bite sucking!  Moral of the story – I don’t want to fill up on food that wasn’t worth the space in my stomach and have no room left for the good stuff or a second helping!  That’s kind of how I feel about life too – I don’t want to fill all of the empty spaces with distractions and have no room left for the good stuff when it comes along!

So what do we do with our free time if we’re not distracted?  Honestly, I’m still trying to figure that out!  It can be especially hard when you’re single and watching other people with their full lives, while yours feels pretty vacant.  Distractions almost seem like the only option to bide your time and believe me, there have been plenty of moments I’ve found solace in almost every one of those things I listed.  Heck, there are still times I find solace in them!  I think the best we can do is keep our motivations in check to make sure we’re not just just trying to fill a hole and instead, “distract” ourselves with healthy things.  Set goals, better ourselves, (maybe write a blog) and trust that one day God will bring your grandiose fantasies to fruition.

Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. – Colossians 3:2 (NIV)

 

 

Decisions Decisions

/ Roxie / 1 Comment

Here’s the situation: We make so many decisions a day without even thinking about it, because most of them seem insignificant.  But did you know that every choice you make and the habits you’re forming right now actually play a larger role in your future than you might realize?

If I had to identify with a TV character, it would unfortunately be one of the crazy ones, like Annie from Community or Leslie Knope from Parks & Rec.  They’re anal, organized and they love their binders!  Since I was engaged once, I’ve dabbled in a little wedding planning and I too had a binder!  It was ‘Martha Stewart’s Keepsake Wedding Planner’.  It had different tabs and dividers for dresses and flowers, and special pages to write out your guest list and plastic inserts to hold business cards, etc.  One of the pages was a checklist.  Martha gurl, you are speaking my language – I LOVE LISTS!  At the top, you wrote your wedding date and below was a list of everything you needed to have done 6 months before the wedding, 3 months before the wedding, 2 weeks, 1 week, the day before, the day of…you get the picture!

This backward design process is actually how I plan most things in my life now.  If I want to save a specific dollar amount by a certain date or if I’m leaving for a holiday in 2 weeks and need to get a bunch of stuff done before I go; I always look ahead to the goal and plan the steps to get there in reverse.  Doing things this way keeps you on track and saves you from forgetting anything or running around like a maniac at the last second!  I never used to be like this though.  Why would I plan for the future when it was so far away?

I YOLO’d Before YOLO Was Cool

The acronym ‘YOLO’ really only became a thing in 2011, but long before people were making poor decisions and passing them off as “you only live once”, I was making poor decisions and passing them off as “being in my 20s”.  I was raised in a Christian home and went to a Christian school, blah, blah, blah.  It was as boring as it sounds, so when I finally became an adult and could make my own decisions (whilst hiding those decisions from my parents because I still lived at home and they were scary!), I decided that partying was way more fun than church, so that’s what I did. 

When one of my best friends and I first met, we bonded quickly once we realized how much we had in common!  We had the same cultural background and were familiar with the same traditional foods.  We discovered our moms actually grew up in the same province, in towns 10 minutes apart.  We learned that we’d both been raised in Christian homes, but not just that, we were raised in Christian homes, but neither of us were living as Christians for the time being.  We were young, on the cusp of emerging from lengthy awkward stages and ready to paaaartaaaay!  We moved out of our parents houses and in together and from there we started to kick @$$, take names and break hearts!  Over the years we talked about how we knew we’d go back to church…eventually…but not quite yet, because we were having too much fun!

‘Eventually’ came when we all started to age out of the club and my friends were getting into serious relationships.  I figured that was a good time to get my life back on track so that I could meet that Christian man I’d always wanted, but knew I wouldn’t find at the bar.

That’ll Teach Ya!

Years after being back in the church but remaining single, I wondered if God hadn’t been withholding from me.  Perhaps if I hadn’t quit going to church…?  Perhaps if I didn’t party so much…?  Perhaps if I hadn’t done      (whatever)     , things would be different?  Instead, God must’ve been punishing me for my past; there was no other explanation for it! 

While other Christians know a loving and gracious God, I feel like I’ve always known “lesson God”.  Perhaps you’re familiar with Him too?  The God who lets you fall on your face to learn.  The God who will delay something you really want to teach you patience.  The one who will give you a physical ailment to show you that you shouldn’t judge others or to teach you humility.  I know these things can happen, but purposeful spite isn’t a characteristic of God, and as much as I’ve matured in my faith over the years, when things don’t work out the way I’d hoped, my default always goes back to wondering what God is punishing me for this time, or what lesson I’m supposed to learn now.  (I’m still a work in progress people, get off my back!)

I think it’s because of this, that I feel responsible for some of the delays in my life and now that I’m older, I really strive to make the best decisions for my future and not hold up the process any longer!  Let’s say that my 20s did, in fact, affect my 30s.  How is what I do today going to affect me a week from now, a year from now or even 35 years from now?!

Papa Don’t Preach

When I was a kid, my dad would go to the mall every Saturday morning as soon as it opened and head straight to the lottery kiosk to check his tickets and buy new ones.  This is the routine he kept as far back as I can remember.  He was also an avid “donor” to our local fundraising lotteries.  You know, the ones where a portion of the ticket goes to charity, but more importantly, you have the chance to win a brand new home or other prizes!  (Spoiler alert, we never won the lottery!)

Around 8 years before he died, he started showing signs of confusion.  I would go to my parents house for a visit and he would ask me a question and a few minutes later, ask the same question again.  I found it rather annoying because I just assumed he hadn’t been listening.  One summer he decided to do a cross Canada road trip to visit his family back home, a province he was very familiar with.  On this trip however, he got lost multiple times, followed another vehicle for about 6 hours in the wrong direction and I could swear someone told me he ended up on a private military base and got in trouble for it.  It was at a doctor’s appointment during these years that the words “early onset dementia” were first mentioned.

About 2.5 years before he died he was officially diagnosed with dementia.  Until that time my mom hadn’t shared any details with me about what had been happening at home; probably not to worry me.  I would eventually come to find out that my dad had been pulling garbage out of the garbage can in the middle of the night and flushing it down the toilet.  Or forgetting to take his diabetes meds throughout the week, then taking a week’s worth in a day.  His temper would flare and he’d slam doors or threaten to jump out of the moving vehicle if my mom wanted to drive.  He would pay bills twice or miss payments altogether and he would lose money; either actually physically losing cash or spending it and not remembering where.  Because of this loss of awareness, now when he went to buy lottery tickets, he would buy all the tickets or spend double the money he would’ve had he still had his wits about him.

I often think about this.  Even as the rest of his mind was failing, the habit of buying lottery tickets was so well ingrained, that it was that part of his routine that stayed in tact, and to the detriment of my parents finances.  It really makes me consider, or reconsider, any habits I may unknowingly be forming right now!  If I want to have the best future possible, what steps can I plan in reverse to achieve that?

Choose Wisely

We live in a YOLO culture, that has become addicted to instant gratification.  People act on every emotional whim and we encourage it with inane sayings like “follow your heart” and “live your truth”.  Depriving ourselves of anything or practicing self control is so contrary to the norm, that it can feel like the wrong choice!  Why would we deliberately subject ourselves to something that doesn’t make us immediately feel better?  Unfortunately, every decision we make today will affect our future in some way, we just don’t often think about that!  I know I never used to!

When I quit my job to go back to school, but continued to spend money like I was working, I didn’t think about the debt I was racking up!  How could I have known it would take me 8 years of tight budgets and hard work to pay off?  I never considered that while I was out “being in my 20s”, the Christian man I hoped to one day find, was probably already in church finding someone else.  Or that when I’d go back to church, my options would have greatly dwindled because I wasted all of that time!

The saying is true – you do only live once, so how do you want to live?  I want the next half of my life to be better than my first.  I don’t want to be 60 years old and winded after walking up a flight of stairs because I didn’t bother to get in shape when I was actually physically capable to do so.  I don’t want to carry a bunch of emotional baggage into my future because dealing with it made me too uncomfortable.  I don’t want to look like a piece of leather when I’m older because I enjoyed the sun too much when I was young!  (That’s shallow me talking.)  On top of all that, I’ve waited so long to find someone, that when I finally do, I want to give them the best years of my life, not make them deal with my dying decrepit years!

The past is in the past and we can’t do anything to change that.  The consequences of those actions might long be set in motion, but we can instantly redeem our future by considering our decisions today!  So think about where you are, where you want to be and how you plan to get there.  And for the love of all that is holy, make good choices!

make-good-choices

21 Questions

/ Roxie / Leave a comment

Here’s the situation: I like results.  I’m the kind of weirdo who wants to see how much comes out of the vacuum canister after I’ve cleaned or look at a wax strip once all the hair has been ripped from my flesh.  If I’ve been working out, I want to see changes in my body or if I’ve been saving money, I want to notice my bank balance go up.  I just want the assurance that the work I’ve been putting in is getting results and I haven’t completely been wasting my time!

If you’ve been single, or a Christian, or a single Christian for any length of time, you’ve probably been on the receiving end of some of the most annoying comments and/or unhelpful advice people like to give.  I’ve often thought of writing a book one day filled with these things to help prevent anyone from repeating them in the future!  I know they come from a good place and I appreciate everyone’s desire to try and encourage, but you should know, your words aren’t doing me any favors.  Here’s a sample of what I’m talking about, with a glimpse into what goes through my mind while I’m blankly staring at you and politely smiling:

You need to get married, it’s so awesome!
Right, ok, I’ll just pop out and do that because it’s super easy and I haven’t been trying to for 20 years!

Your story will encourage others one day!
Oh gee, I’m so happy I could go through this to make someone else feel better…

Then there’s these 2:
God’s more concerned with your growth than your happiness.  /  Focus on your eternity instead.
Wow, so encouraging, thank you oh sainted one!  How could my human nature possibly be thinking about wanting to enjoy this life, when the idea that there are rubies awaiting my crown in heaven should be enough to tide me over another 40 years?!

Hey man, nobody said what goes through my mind was mature!

Last, certainly not least, but possibly my least favorite:
BECOME THE PERSON, THE PERSON YOU ARE LOOKING FOR, IS LOOKING FOR
Insert eye roll here.  I didn’t use to dislike this one as much.  In fact, I used to think it was rather brilliant, but now it just seems to be a Christian cliché.

The Becoming

As a *cough*orty something year old, that line does nothing more than create frustration in me, whereas when I first heard it in my late 20s, it was encouraging.  After a series of unsuccessful relationships, it shifted my focus and gave me a project, and since I’m task oriented, I love a to-do list!  Plus, it seemed like such a simple formula.  Put in the work and get your desired outcome!  If, by chance, I was the common denominator that made every relationship not work, I was ready to get my crap sorted out and get this show on the road!!  The sooner I became, the sooner I would be found!

And so, armed with my revolutionary new mindset, I went to work.  I listened to messages about healthy marriages and watched couples interact so that I knew what to model myself after (or not).  I asked people around me if they saw an area in me that I needed to work on, but had overlooked.  I worked on getting my finances in order, because debt isn’t cute!  And since I was going to become this amazing wife that someone would be looking for, I figured maybe I should learn how to cook!  Over the years I built a simple, but tasty, repertoire of meals, not to mention my recent feat of becoming Suzy FREAKING Homemaker with the jams and the perogies and the cinnamon buns!

It’s now been at least 12 years since first taking the steps towards “becoming the person” and still nobody is buying what I’m selling!  Does that mean I still haven’t become that person yet?  Seriously, how long is this process?  Ok, don’t answer that, because I know what you’re thinking – we’re always in the process of becoming Rox!  Yeah yeah, I get that, but I know some jacked up people who didn’t have to “become” anything, so if I’m being required to, how jacked up am I?  How come it seems that some of us have to spend all of this extra time in the oven, when others are served raw?  And it’s not all frustration about “becoming” for a relationship.  Sometimes it’s the frustration of “becoming” for the future whatever-I-may-need-to-be.

milkshake

Purpose Driven Life

The frontal lobe of the brain is responsible for reasoning, motor skills, emotion and language and I’m pretty sure, like most, my reasoning and emotions are in a constant battle.  My reasoning side is what you may call a pessimist, but I call a realist.  It’s unnecessarily logical and always pointing out the facts.  My emotional side is like a dirty hippie named Starflower, who wants to run free, dance like no one is watching and believes dreams actually do come true!  In my case, reasoning usually muscles out Starflower and that might be a good thing most of the time, but unfortunately, it also gives me an overwhelming need to know WHY.  Why did certain people come into my life?  Or leave for that matter?  Why did [this] or [that] happen, or work, or not work out?  I need to rationalize, make sense of, or justify things in order to be satisfied with the answer.  I don’t know that I believe in coincidences, so there has be a purpose behind it all and I want to know what it is!

Everything Happens for a Reason

A few months before I bought the condo I’m in, I had actually purchased a different one.  It had my 3 requirements: it was in the neighborhood I wanted, it had underground parking and it had in suite laundry.  Bonus – it was also significantly below my budget!  I was so excited to have found such a cute little place!  I immediately started to plan out everything in my head; how I’d set up my room, how I’d decorate and what color I’d paint the place as soon as I moved in – I was thinking grey.  Of course, the place had some flaws, but no deal breakers.  The appliances were older and a few of them would likely need to be replaced within a year, plus the laminate was installed poorly and an ugly brown, so I knew I’d eventually want to change that too and I already knew what I’d go with!  While I was busy mentally moving in and entertaining guests, the lender was busy denying me.  The sellers had accepted my offer, I had a downpayment and I had a perfect credit score, how could I be denied?!  I was told that it had to do with the lender requirements of how the building was constructed of all things and none of it had to do with me!  It was completely out of my control!  The sale fell through and I was crushed.  How would I ever find something so great again?!

Fast forward 3 months to the place I’m in now.  It was a bit more money, but still under my budget.  It didn’t have my 3 requirements either, but it was only 5 minutes from where I wanted to be, it had the exact flooring that I would’ve chose for the other place, the appliances were brand new and it was already painted the perfect shade of grey (and if you’ve ever tried to find the perfect grey, you know it’s not easy!).  When I moved in, I didn’t have to change or update anything, or even plan to change or update anything in the future!  It also gets way more natural light than I would’ve at the other place, which I’ve come to realize is very important to me and even though I didn’t get my in suite laundry, there are 3 washers and dryers just down the hall from my unit and I can finish all of my laundry in under 2 hours – who else can really say that?  Oh yea, did I mention I have access to a tennis court and an outdoor pool too?  (Even though an outdoor pool is completely unnecessary in Canada!)

When You Haven’t Found That Reason Yet

I love to trace back and see what got me to where I am.  It’s that assurance that what I’ve been doing hasn’t been a total waste.  It’s that full vacuum canister!  On the other hand, when your path seems to have led nowhere and you don’t have answers to your questions, it can make the present difficult to accept.

By now, it’s no secret that I always wanted to get married.  To be a wife and take care of a spouse and live in suburbia with my husband was the apex.  I never wanted to birth babies or really raise young kids for that matter, but I always thought when I was older, it would be nice to have a family (of grown children).  And if I was going to be a mom, I wanted to be a young mom, however that ship sailed a loooong time ago!  Over the years I dated a number of guys who already had kids and I thought – if this works out, I get to skip the steps I never wanted to do, but get that grown family in the end, so this path checks out!  As you know though, things didn’t work out that way.  Or any of those ways actually, leaving me to try and reason why.  Why did the good Lord give me the desire to be married if I’m just going to be single forever?  He could’ve left that little part out of my DNA and I’d be none the wiser.  Why did I spend all that time preparing to be an amazing wife or learning how to cook if it’s only ever going to be for me?  I had no problem with my lack of kitchen skills or my sad diet of salad and rice cakes with melted cheese!  Plus it kept me way thinner!

As the aforementioned dream slowly died over the years, I had to find a new one!  In fact, the cookie cutter life that was once the goal, now seems too small!  Yes, I do still hope to get married one day, but living an ordinary life has become my greatest fear!  With the vision of my new future in mind, I can look back and recognize instances that would’ve been preparing me for where I’m headed.  There’s a snag though.  That new dream is nowhere near the realm of anything I’m capable of and far, far, far outside of my comfort zone.  So why did my original dream have to be replaced with something even bigger and more impossible, when I couldn’t even accomplish the small one?  Why does it feel like the path has been leading me to a place I can see, but am not sure I’ll ever reach?  And why is the person I need to be for that future, not the person I actually am?

Don’t Place a Period Where God Put a Comma

Here’s what I know.  I know nothing!  And I’m learning just how little I know, more and more every day!  I’m also s l o w l y learning to be ok with not knowing or being able to figure it all out.  Things (do) have a way of working out (in time).  Look at the condo; the second one turned out to be way better than the first, so I guess I don’t really need to understand everything, I just like to.  And all of those relationships that didn’t work and the impossible dreams that grew and the “becoming” I’ve been going through – the WHY’s will be clear one day and I’ll look back, as with everything else in my life, and see that there was a purpose in it all.  But for now, we wait!  …and we try to wait patiently, even though we feel we might be over baked…

Happy Anniversary!

/ Roxie / 7 Comments

Here’s the situation: It’s the 1 year anniversary of The Situation Room!  (Well, Monday officially)

This isn’t a typical post, but I thought I’d write a little background and recap of the past year, since many of you are not familiar with how TSR came to be!

The story actually starts 4 years ago while recovering from foot surgery, when I decided to try my hand at blogging.  I wasn’t that familiar with blogs and I didn’t read other people’s either, I just knew that I had more opinions than a Facebook status could hold and as someone who enjoys writing, I thought it might be a good outlet!  I also had 7 weeks off of work on short term disability, so perhaps I needed an outlet to feel useful.

I nervously published my first blog, July 5, 2016.  At that time, I knew I had a guaranteed 5 readers.  My “fans” as I jokingly called them.  5 people who liked what I had to say, enjoyed my style of writing and would always encourage me to write more.  Each post would draw in a few new eyes and it seemed that when people actually read my writing, they really enjoyed it as well.  I had hoped to stay consistent with the posts, but most times when I sat down to work on one, I would hit a wall and wasn’t able to get my words to come together; probably a good thing since my words were much angrier back then!  From the time I started, to around February of 2019, I drafted 25 blogs, but only ever published 7.

Check Your Heart

John Crist made headlines last fall and I’m sure it was not in the way he would’ve wanted.  I’ve had the pleasure of seeing him 3x, meeting him twice and we’ve DM’d about his shows a couple of times.  I found him very friendly, down to earth and for being quite famous (in Christian circles), he wasn’t arrogant at all.  I’ve met ordinary guys who had less time of day for me than John did.  When I was invited for a meet and greet at my second show, I was actually really impressed with how accountable he seemed to keep himself!  Of course, these are just my experiences and my opinions and yours might differ in light of those headlines, but whatever you may say, I can say that John Crist 100% impacted my life for the better, as ridiculous as that seems/sounds/is.

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Keep Portland Weird

My cousin, her husband and I planned a road trip to Portland, Oregon, in October 2018 to see John perform for our first time.  Since we were driving 13+ hours to see him, my cousin and I were going to make it worth our while and naturally sprung for the VIP tickets.  Our VIP package included early access to the venue and merch table, a backstage session with John, a photo op and a backstage tour, which unbeknownst to us, included his tour bus.  That was odd.  Pretty sure we looked at each other and said “are we supposed to be in here?”.

As I watched John from our front row seats, something within me woke up.  It wasn’t because I was a fan or awestruck by his “celebrity”, it was these intense feelings of jealousy met with empowerment.  Here he was, unashamedly himself, and loved and accepted by thousands of people for things that I’m afraid of being rejected for.  Not only that, he and his opening acts were these young guys doing what they love and loving what they do and what was I doing with my life?!!  I like my job and I’m good at my job, but is it my passion?  And what IS my passion?  I had to be created for more than just being good at admin and essentially running out the clock with a routine life until I died!  I came home from that trip with an urgency for change and a desire to do something big(ger) with my life, but I had no idea what, or where to start or what I could possibly change!

YOLO?

4 months post John Crist show (a little over a year ago), I was still antsy to do something (anything!), but I have a mortgage and bills to pay, so I can’t be completely irrational and do a 180º, just because I’m bored.  For whatever reason, the idea of a new blog came to mind.  I could do it without disrupting my life too much, but this time I would make it more of a priority than before.  I even considered sowing into it by buying a domain name.  I felt kind of stupid though, I mean, the trend of blogging had passed and at that point I had maybe 15 consistent readers that I was aware of, so who would really care what a nobody like me had to say, even if I did have my own website?  The urgency I felt when I got home from Portland was still there though and I told myself, anyone who’s ever done anything, had to start somewhere!

I narrowed down a name, somewhat of a concept and I even signed up for a one-day ‘Intro to WordPress’ course to cover all of my bases.  Since I already had a blog, most of it was just review, but with the course perk being a 4:1 student to mentor ratio, I was able to monopolize one poor guy and he showed me how to upgrade, purchase my domain name and link everything together.  Without him, I would’ve never figured it out!

With my previous blog, I wanted to be as anonymous as I could, so I didn’t include any information about me or photos.  As a reader though, I think it’s important to know who is behind the writing.  It makes you feel more connected and it gives the words more value.  For example, if I were a stranger reading my own blog, I would want to see this girl who often talks about her dating struggles.  Does she struggle because she never does her hair or make up and maybe she wears Winnie the Pooh embroidered cardigans?  That girls opinion would be moot to me, but if I found out she was normal, I’d be more inclined to follow her journey and open to hearing what she had to say, because I could relate!

High Risk | High Reward

I published my first TSR blog April 20, 2019.  It was just as nerve racking as the first one 3 years earlier.  Would anyone read it?  How would it be perceived?  How would I be perceived?  I can be pretty black and white with my feelings, so would I just offend everyone and be hated?  If I talked about faith or Christianity, would I get mocked and my opinions dismissed because I’m some bible-thumping Jesus freak?  They say to write about what you know, but if I wrote about what I’ve known to be true in my life, would I just come across as some whiny girl who felt sorry for herself?  Would writing about being single, inevitably keep me single?  Did I really want to let people all up in my bidnez and be that vulnerable?

What if I fall?

Oh, but my darling, what if you fly?

– Erin Hanson

A lot of things changed for me in the years since starting my first blog.  The majority of my remaining single friends got married, while others started having babies and my friendships inevitably shifted due to both.  I bought a condo and lived alone for the first time ever and dating was a fruitless endeavor, so the hope of one day finding a man seemed (and still seems) impossible.  After being very alone for those 3 years, a part of me died.  It was the part that spent so much energy being concerned about what people thought and desperately wanting to be accepted, and the part that kept myself in a box that other people had put me in.  In the words of Jo Dee Messina – my give a damn was busted.  As uncomfortable as the idea was of putting myself out there, I figured, I can’t be any more alone and I can’t attract any less men, so what did I really have to lose?  I like who I am and I think I’m funny, plus I’m half way to senility so I can get away with saying more, so I’ll just write and be myself and you can take it or leave it!

Ok, I Know I Said Take It or Leave It, but Please Take It!

“Even if only 1 person got something out of it, then it was all worth it!”  That’s a nice sentiment and I’ve said it to myself before, but it’s kind of a lie!  I put a lot into each post, so I want them to affect more than just 1 person!  I spend upwards of 30 hours rambling out an idea and organizing my thoughts to make sense, then editing and re-editing countless times before I finally believe in one post enough to click “publish”.  It’s a lot of work for something that’s technically a hobby!  Not to mention the knots I get in my stomach each time I put something out there.  I’m baring a piece of my soul and it’s subject to be judged or criticized, or worse, not read at all.

Last month I really debated whether I should keep this up or just let it go, knowing that I tried.  When I started the blog a year ago, with my big dreams in hand, I really hoped that things in my life would start to shift and maybe, just maybe, this blog was the step of faith I needed to take to usher those dreams into reality.  Unfortunately, nothing’s changed and if I’m being honest, almost every time I work on a post I think to myself “what am I trying to say?“, “does anybody care?“, “why am I putting in all of this effort for nothing?“.  But I eventually get something to come together and so far it’s been well received.  So many times I’ve felt like I was going through something alone or thought that I was the only one who must feel this way, but the truth is, there’s always someone who understands.  If I have managed to make even 1 person feel less alone through my writing or like they have a comrade in this life, then somehow it actually does seem worth it!

Started From the Bottom, Now We’re Here

Here we are – 1 year later!  It was my goal to try and put something out every 2 to 3 weeks or at the very least, every month.  Goal accomplished.  20 blogs published!  My readers have slowly increased in number and I have a stats page, so I can see how far this blog has reached.  It’s pretty amazing!  (Don’t worry, when you read this, you remain anonymous – I don’t know who you are, I just see clicks and country stats.)  For a nobody like me, with only a little over 400 Facebook friends and 200 Instagram followers, this blog has been read in 25 different countries.  It doesn’t sound like many knowing there are 195 in the world, but when I look at which countries, it’s crazy.  Places like France, China, Australia, Pakistan, South Africa and India!  WOW – so cool!

I probably still only know (in person) who a handful of my consistent readers are, but for anyone else who has clicked on my links, taken the time to read my posts, like my posts or given me positive feedback, I appreciate you more than you could know!!  It’s you who keeps me coming back to share pieces of myself, even if you’re a stranger!  And thanks to anyone I’ve wrangled into being my photographer to help me with the Facebook/Instagram clickbait, because there’s only so much I can do with one hand and a PopSocket!

So, cheers to another year!  (…at least, because that’s how long I’m renewed for!)

Don’t let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it.  The time will pass anyway, we might as well put that passing time to the best possible use.

– Earl Nightingale

The Upside

/ Roxie / Leave a comment

Here’s the situation: COVID-19.  Need I say more?

Where I live in Canada, we’ve just finished our second week of voluntary social distancing/self isolation or travel-related quarantine.  My city isn’t on lockdown, but many of us are doing our part to be proactive and “flatten the curve”, which is a term I keep reading.  Along with that one, every automated email I have got in the last 2 weeks seems to start with “there is a great deal of uncertainty” or “in these unprecedented times”.  It’s true, though worse things have happened in history, nothing quite like this has happened in many of our lifetimes.

Ignorance is Bliss

I prefer to live my life in a bit of a bubble.  I don’t read, listen or watch the news, because the news rarely reports positive things.  When they do, it’s like a 1 minute fluff piece about a water skiing squirrel or something, reserved for the end of the show; perhaps to leave the viewers on a happy note after spending the previous 29 minutes instilling fear.  My mom likes to remind me that I “need to be aware of what’s happening” and I’m not completely oblivious to things of importance, but I don’t like to inundate my mind with them.  Watching the news reminds me of going to the doctor for a minor thing and finding out some other major thing is wrong.  You felt fine all this time, but now you have something to worry about, only because it was brought to your attention.

I’d like you to find me someone who watches a constant stream of news and isn’t affected by it.  Generally these people are stressed out and filled with anxiety, yet they can’t figure out why.  This is why I prefer my bubble.  I don’t need to be over-informed and start having panic attacks over things I can’t control.  That doesn’t seem like a good use of my time.

Since I don’t keep constant news updates in my ear, I almost forget that COVID-19 exists.  My routine hasn’t had to change much either, so it feels like business as usual!  My work is considered an ‘essential service’, so I still go to the office every day.  My gym closed, but I was already doing about 2 workouts a week at home, now I just do all of them at home.  I’m single, while most of my friends are busy with spouses or children, so I didn’t see a ton of people throughout the week/weekend anyway and I have lived alone for almost 4 years now.  Netflix and podcasts were already my companions and loneliness coping mechanisms before all of this went down, so social distancing hasn’t been too much of a stretch for me!

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Silver Linings Playbook

One of my favorite pastors, Steven Furtick, said in his message last week that he’s been hearing “we’re all in the same boat”, but he disagreed and countered with “we’re not all in the same boat, but we are all in this together”.  Everyone is struggling in their own way right now.  The extroverts are dying inside (figuratively and literally), while the introverts are almost thrilled with their sentence to isolation!  People are being laid off or suddenly becoming stay-at-home parents or full time teachers.  Others are actually getting the virus.  It can all be a little too scary and with no real end date in site, it gets overwhelming.  I don’t want to make light of that or the actual struggles people are facing, but in these “uncertain” and “unprecedented” times, I’m trying to find the upside amidst COVID-19!

It’s March. In Canada.

I love my country, but as I get older, I’m beginning to hate the cold more and more.  Every time I brush snow off my car I mutter “why do I live here?!”.  But then I see pictures of bugs from warmer climates and it puts that into perspective!  If there’s one thing that Canadians should be able to agree on, it’s that of all the months this could have happened, March might be the best option.  Imagine this happened in October and the school year was indefinitely cancelled then.  That would mean an additional 5 months to home school on top of the current 3.  Imagine this happened right as the weather started to turn in June and we had to stay inside during our already abbreviated summer.  March can still be a little too cold, or snowy and the ground is soggy from the winter, making it difficult to do either winter or spring activities, so if we have to be stuck inside, it may as well be now to get it over with!

It’s Two Thousand and Twenty

I know a lot of people are bored and feel like they’ve already watched everything they possibly can on Netflix, but imagine having to social distance, self isolate or quarantine PRE streaming services/on-demand TV/smartphones or the internet!  Even though we are being encouraged to stay apart, we are still so connected!covid-netflix

If this happened 20 years ago, working from home wasn’t a simple alternative.  There was no file sharing via this mysterious cloud.  There was no video calling or video conferences.  That kind of futuristic voodoo was reserved for The Jetsons!  We can do all of our grocery shopping and have it delivered to our door without even getting out of bed and now we can attend church in our living room!  We have so much of everything at our fingertips and can almost seamlessly carry on with our lives, what do we really have to complain about if the hardest thing we’re asked to do is stay at home?

R & R

Busy.  Everyone is always so busy.  Ask someone how their day was or how their week was and the reply is usually “busy”.  We tend to live our lives in overdrive, moving from one thing to the next with no break.  Maybe it’s because we don’t want to disappoint anyone or maybe it’s because being busy makes us feel important.  Being accessible through our phones 24/7 doesn’t help either.  It seems a lot of people keep themselves so busy that when they’re given time to rest, they don’t even know how to do it!

I’ve never really been good with busy.  I don’t like having too many things back to back or always being go go go.  I could maybe attribute that to my primary love language of quality time.  I’d rather spend a fulfilling amount of time with one person, than superficial moments with many people in a row.  I know the times when I’ve kept my calendar stacked, I get cranky, I get run down and then I get sick.  I’ve learned that it’s in my best interest to maintain balance, even if that means saying no to some things and suffering with my FOMO later.

I don’t know if other people realize how important rest is.  When we get fatigued, our immune system is weakened.  If we’re worn down, we get moody, we can’t handle stress, we lack concentration, lose energy and we create irregular eating and sleeping patterns.  When you continue at a fast pace for too long, your body will usually, and without your permission, crash, forcing you to rest, often by way of getting sick.

Now that your calendar has probably freed up for the next month, maybe you can recognize where you’ve been spreading yourself too thin.  Were you always busy doing things you wanted to do, or were you doing things everyone else wanted you to to do?  Try to make the best of this rest period.  Maybe reset your priorities.  If God took the 7th day to rest knowing how important it was, perhaps we should take a queue from Him!

Arm Yourself

When was the last time you really appreciated the people providing services you normally take for granted?  Like, your delivery guy or even a grocery store clerk?  Or ladies, what about the team of professionals who keep us looking good every few weeks to every few months?  Seriously though, when have you actually thought “man, I’m so thankful this person does their job!”?  I know I’m happy they do, but I just assume they’ll be there whenever I need them.  I bet you’re grateful now for anyone who risks working with the general public so that a service can be provided for you!  You’re probably extra appreciative of the ones who provide a service that you need but can’t currently get.  I know I am!  And I know this thing better not last past May ’cause Imma need my hurr did and my brows done.

When was the last time you ran errands, came and went as you pleased or did the simplest thing like hug a friend and realized what a privilege it was to be moving around so freely?  What about the last time you woke up happy to go in to work?

When I interviewed with my current employer back in 2000, I had another interview scheduled the same day.  After leaving both interviews, I wanted the other job.  Their office looked like a log cabin and had a cute little reception area, while my office felt cold and barren!  Of course, it was the office I didn’t like that called me with an offer and beggars can’t be choosers!  I could’ve never imagined that when I took the position, I’d still be working there 20 years later.  I even quit for 2 years to pursue a different career and was offered my position back when the person who replaced me retired.  I’ve spent a total of 18 years at my office and unlike other jobs, there’s never been a day that I dreaded going in.

When this virus first started to affect my city and other people were getting mandatory time off, I was a little jealous!  But then stores started to close their doors indefinitely.  And then people started to get laid off.  Where 2 weeks ago it was just routine to get up and go in Monday to Friday, I now emphatically thank God every morning and every night for my job!  The job I might not have taken for some cute log cabin.

It is not lost on me how lucky I’ve been so far and I don’t know your situation, but if we choose to look around, chances are, there is somebody worse off than you.  Find something that you can be grateful for, even if it’s just the air in your lungs.  Gratitude is a weapon.  Use it.

Heal the World, Make it a Better Place

You know the saying “everything happens for a reason”?  It’s annoying right?  I mean, it’s easy looking back and recognizing where things did have a purpose, but in the moment, hearing that is like nails on a chalkboard.  I don’t think we’ll ever be able to look back and reason why this happened.  There’s just no point to this virus and it seems like it was preventable if it did start as they say; from bat infected meat sold at a market.

There’s a lot of conspiracies flying around right now too.  Population control, economic wars, the government’s doing, etc.  I’m not gonna lie, I do find some random virus that came out of nowhere and has the power to spread across the world and change the global economy a little suspicious, but we’ll never know the truth so there’s no point dwelling on why this is happening.  The fact is, it’s here and we have to deal with it.  All we can hope for is that we improve and grow stronger from this.

There are way too many negatives surrounding COVID-19, let’s try and put our focus on the personal positives we can find within it.  Maybe this whole thing is teaching us empathy or deepening our faith.  Maybe we’re learning to appreciate people in a new way and it’ll strengthen our relationships when we can all get together again.  Moving forward we might find joy in the simpler things and be grateful when we have to pop out to run an errand, rather than grumble or complain.  However this might be improving you, don’t revert back when life returns to normal, because it will.  We will get through this! 

Be kind, pray for the world, don’t hoard toilet paper and wash your hands ya filthy animals!

this-too-shall-pass

Game Changer

/ Roxie / 6 Comments

Here’s the situation: I never thought finding love would be one of life’s challenges.  As I get older and it continues to evade me, I’m starting to wonder how anyone has ever successfully accomplished it.

Rom-coms.  The story lines are predictable, unoriginal and recycled every few years, but it doesn’t matter, I still love ’em!  Specifically Adam Sandler ones; I can’t explain.  My head’s not so far up in the clouds though that I can’t see how far fetched, implausible and unhealthy they actually are!  Have you ever kept track of the timeline in a romance movie?  Generally from when the couple meets until they are professing their undying love for each other, maybe 2 weeks have passed.

If movies were true to life and you had a friend telling you about their new love interest, which reflected the plot of some of our favorites, you’d likely question their overall stability.  And if you were a good friend, you’d probably give them some unwanted advice!  Let’s look at Titanic, Pretty Woman, The Holiday and Romeo and Juliet (the version with Leonardo DiCaprio is the only one I’ll watch, of course) – Rose cheated on her fiancé with Jack.  Vivian is a hooker.  Graham knocks on the door of Amanda Woods, a total stranger, and an hour later they have sex and Romeo kills himself over Juliet, then Juliet kills herself over Romeo.  Shakespeare tells us Juliet is 13 and guesses are Romeo would be around 16.  This is not romantic, this is crazy!  These people make terrible life choices but for some reason we lose all logic and wish our love stories were that magical.   (Until the person who cheated on their fiancé with you, cheats on you with someone else…)

Bad Boys, Bad Boys, Whatcha Gonna Do?

Another popular plot is that of the bad boy who changes their bad boy ways for a girl.  Ryan Gosling did it for Emma Stone in Crazy, Stupid, Love.  Barney Stinson did it for Robin in How I Met Your Mother.  Heck, even Dexter, who is supposedly devoid of human emotion, with no interest in romance, fell in love with 2 women.  Ok so he’s the exception and didn’t change his murderous ways for them, but he’s not supposed to be capable of love and even he fell in love!  We love these story lines!  If you ever watched The OC, you can’t tell me you weren’t hoping that Volchok would become a nice guy when he went to the prom with Marissa!  It’s what we root for!  Guys often wonder why girls date jerks or are attracted to bad boys, or why any woman would seek after a man in prison.  I think the misconception is that women want to change men, but I’m more convinced that women idealize the notion that a man would change for her.

Da-Na-Na-Na, Da-Na-Na-Na (Ch Ch)

I think it was Beverly Hills 90210 that made the bad boy appealing to me.  Of all the years I watched, one scene still stands out, because I remember thinking it was so romantic.  It giphyshouldn’t surprise you that I own seasons 1 to 5 on DVD, so because I have half of the show at my fingertips, I did some digging to find that scene.  It was season 1, the original air date was January 3, 1991 and fittingly enough, the episode was titled Isn’t It Romantic?

Brenda and bad boy Dylan blow off a movie and go back to his place, which happens to be a hotel suite, because it’s Beverly Hills and that’s where people live apparently.  He’s surprised to find his father back in town and hosting a business meeting “at home”.  His dad pulls him into another room and you can hear the muffled yells of an argument.  Dylan comes out of the room, walks to the bar to pour himself a drink and Brenda says “you don’t drink do you?”, to which Dylan wittingly replies “only at family reunions.”  Brenda pleads “c’mon don’t, you’re driving me home!” and a brooding Dylan rasps “come on, let’s get outta here.”  He storms out of the hotel with Brenda in tow, clapping back as she tries to appease the situation.  They end up in a screaming match, he breaks a flower pot and she runs away.  He chases after her, grabs her and holds her tight, all the while apologizing.  She exclaims “you’re scaring me” and with remorseful tear-filled eyes, Dylan calms down, they embrace, then share their first kiss.  A week later he’s a changed man and they’re a full blown couple.  Isn’t it romantic?  Hmmm, not really actually.  29 years later I can see the red flags more than the romance, but as a preteen, it seemed like such a romantic gesture!  Dylan liked her enough to chase after her.  Dylan liked her enough to tame his bad boy ways!

I was personally afflicted with the bad boy bug for many years for a few different reasons; low self esteem, finding ‘safety’ in someone who other people wouldn’t mess with, etc.  I had no intention of changing them, but I certainly enjoyed the idea that maybe they would and it would all be because of their love for me!!  *sigh*  Looking back I think I was more interested in the story that could-be, than the guys themselves.  And spoiler alert – they never changed.  Not for me at least.

MythBusters

Sometimes our own conclusion about why things didn’t work out makes it easier for us to swallow.  But then we see what didn’t work for us, work for someone else and our theory gets blown out of the water.

I can say with all certainty that being a Christian has largely contributed to why I’m still single.  It’s always been a deal breaker.  A guy may be interested and he may even know I’m a Christian, but after finding out that I actually live like one, there’s a guy-shaped hole in the door – he can’t get out fast enough!  Any boyfriends who were willing to come to church with me, promptly broke up with me and sometimes even just male friends who came quit talking to me within the week.  I became afraid to tell any guy I liked just how Christian I was, since I knew it started the countdown to the end of the relationship.  I know at least 5 girls though, who successfully and non-intentionally “missionary dated”.  The guys who were willing to go to church with them, became Christians, had their lives radically changed and went on to marry those girls.  (And if you’re wondering why I don’t just date Christians in the first place – it’s my preference and I try to, but it’s hard finding one!)

For many years I assumed I was single because I wasn’t attractive enough.  You might remember me telling you about two guys in particular who made me feel this way; the one who wouldn’t date me because I “wasn’t his type” and the other one who “only dated models”.  When I found out they were married, naturally I assumed their wives would be stunning.  I mean, they must’ve married the hottest girls.  Thanks to the magic of Facebook, I’ve seen pictures of their wives and you know what?  They’re super plain!  Nothing that would stand out in a crowd, certainly not models and if I’m being completely petty, I think I’m way more attractive!

I went on a few dates with a guy who turned out to be a total player.  I quite liked him but he told me he didn’t want a girlfriend, because he just wanted to “get his rocks off”.  That player got married and had kids.  A different guy I was interested in, met one of my friend’s coworkers at a work event.  I was very threatened by this.  This girl was beautiful, young, fun and confident.  She’s the kind of girl that girls want to be and that guys want to be with.  I knew if she was also interested in him and he was given the choice between the two of us, he’d pick her.  To my surprise, he didn’t like her.  (He didn’t like me either.)  After spending a brief amount of time with her, he had some legitimate problems with her character and expressed to my friend how disinterested he was.  Seven days later though, he started spending all of his free time with her.  Whaaa?  Did I miss something here?!

I’m really happy that none of those relationships worked out for me, but it still leaves me to wonder – what made all of those guys change their minds or change their ways for those girls?

The Secret

A deep, healthy or even mutual love has been so far from my reality and seems so far from my reality, that when I hear other people’s love stories, it’s almost a foreign concept to me.  Like – that happened for you, in real life?!  A guy you’ve known for a month moved across the country to be with you?  I can barely find a guy in the same city who stays interested for a month!  A guy said “I love you” to you and didn’t later tell you he never meant it?  You mean to tell me you went on a holiday for a week and your boyfriend didn’t dump you via text message so he could have sex with a girl and not feel guilty about it?  Dang gurl, you hit the jackpot!

My friends have told me stories about something their spouse did that wasn’t overtly romantic, but showed how deeply they were loved.  I’ve seen the Valentine’s posts and anniversary messages of guys on social media bragging about how their wife/girlfriend is the best thing that ever happened to them.  Or more recently, about how there’s no one they’d rather be quarantined with.  I’ve known real life bad boys, jerks, womanizers, hot messes and Slutty McSlutterson’s and seen them change, soften, commit and care for a girl in ways you would never think possible, given their persona.  It’s all the things you’d expect at the end of a good rom-com.  Maybe movies aren’t always so far fetched and unrealistic?

So how does anyone ever successfully find love?  Is it just luck?  Is it right time/right place?  “When you know”, do you really just know?  WHAT’S THE GAME CHANGER?

I met a girl and she is a game changer.

– Ryan Gosling, Crazy, Stupid, Love (2011)