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Raise the Bar

/ Roxie / 1 Comment

Here’s the situation: I’m getting annoyed watching so many people settle for less than what they want or deserve!  Keep your standards high and let people rise up to your level, rather than bend down to theirs!

People are waiting longer and longer to get married or start a family.  The reasons range from things like wanting to establish a career first, traveling while they’re young and free, or waiting until they’re financially ready for a wedding and a baby.  I have a lot to say about this and not much of it is in support of waiting as long as people do, but while I could argue the pros of settling down younger, the fact that I wasn’t able to, makes me appreciate this shift in culture!  Where I would’ve once been considered a spinster, now I’m just an empowered woman!  It has become much more acceptable to be where I’m at in life, which hasn’t always been the case, especially not in church culture!

“Normal”

My mom comes from a family of 14 children, most of whom had 4 to 5 kids of their own, so to say I have a lot of cousins would be an understatement.  Growing up, I had a picture of life; you graduate, you meet someone and you get married.  That was normal.  It’s not a message that was pushed by my parents, but rather something subliminal I picked up on from hearing about my many cousins who did just that.  In fact, one of my cousins was also my best friend and she met someone in high school, graduated in June and married in October.  She was 18.  I was 16 and a half.  I assumed by the time I turned 18, I would follow the footsteps of all those cousins before me, but that didn’t happen.  By my own definition, I’m not normal!

Party Like It’s 1999

I vividly remember being 17 and wanting a boy to like me so badly, but they didn’t.  You read about how I was a late bloomer in The Pursuit of Perfection, so guys weren’t even interested in me until I was 19, already putting me a year behind schedule.  The only reason guys started to like me was thanks to their beer goggles, but I didn’t care, I was finally being noticed!  I had quit attending church in high school because it wasn’t “cool” and I wanted to fit in, so if fitting in at 19 meant going to the bar with my friends and a side effect was having drunk guys look my direction, I was perfectly ok with that!

From about 19 to 25 I spent every weekend partying with friends, or “just going dancing”, as I told my mom before I moved out at 22 so she wouldn’t know what I was really up to.  I could regale many a tale from those years – they were a blast!…but I knew the days were numbered and that I’d eventually end up back in church.  As much fun as I was having, I still just wanted to be “normal” and get married, but I also knew I would never marry a non-Christian.  You don’t exactly cross paths with too many Christians while partying, and if you do, they miiiiight not be as Christian as they say (or if they are, perhaps they shouldn’t be interested in you).

As my friends and I aged out of the bar scene, they met guys and settled down and there I was; able to attract men now, just not the kind I actually wanted.

Prodigal Son

When I’d finally had enough of living the same weekend year after year after year without any forward momentum, I headed back to church.  Were my intentions pure because I loved Jesus and wanted to get right with the Lord?  No.  Hardly.  I wanted to find that Christian man.  Little did I know that at 26 years old, I was long past my prime in the church world!  You see, Christians used to get married (extra) young!  A lot of them met someone in youth group or they attended bible college right out of high school, aka, bridal college, so if you made it past 23 unwed, 1) something must be wrong with you and 2) you missed your window of opportunity because all of the guys were already taken!  When I did have a couple of “Christians” interested in me, I couldn’t afford to turn them down!  And so, for many, many years, I lowered my standards and tried to settle.

Oh Honey, No

I can always rant about The Bachelor, but this season in particular has me wondering – are these women extra awful or am I finally aging out of this BS?  And Peter?  He might be the worst bachelor since Juan Pablo.  This season is terr·i·ble!!  Peter aside, watching these women makes me sad for our gender and how low our bar seems to be set!

Being a pilot, it would only be fitting that Peter takes a group date to “Flight School”.  For the sake of love, the girl who gets motion sickness allows herself to be spun about in a machine that simulates turbulence.  A real metaphor for love, amirite?!  (Bachelor fans will understand.)  After she’s unstrapped, she heads to the washroom, feeling nauseous.  Peter goes to check on her and brings her a bottle of water.  She can’t believe what a gentleman he is.  Seriously?!  A guy brings you a bottle of water when you don’t feel well and you swoon?

It’s not just young girls on The Bachelor either.  Let’s talk about Dirty John.  Debra Newell, a successful business woman, falls for a guy she meets online.  If you’re unfamiliar with the rest of this true story, do yourself a favor and go listen to the podcasts (or watch the Netflix show based on the podcast).  Without spoiling too much, John turns out to be a psycho con artist and somebody dies.  Who and how you can find out for yourself.  Point is, Debra first fell for Mr. Crazypants because when they went on dates he would ask her questions about herself.  That’s it?!  Are we really that desperate or starved to find a good man that that’s all it takes to fall for one?  A man who asks you questions?!  This does not reflect well for men or women!

I can’t fault these women without also faulting myself!  One day a bad boy I really liked and had been seeing off and on for years without ever actually being his girlfriend, got a fish tank.  I swooned.  “Omigosh, he’s taking care of living creatures!  He cares about something!”  Seriously Rox?  Yes, he cares about fish but not you, you dummy!  Or there’s the guy who was rude to me, my family, to strangers, he only had 1 friend, no vehicle, no furniture and owned 2 cats.  (Never trust a single guy who owns cats.)  The only reason I gave him a chance was because he was “Christian” (he wasn’t) and he liked me.  Sooooo, that’s all it took to win me over?  Unfortunately yes.  I got engaged to that guy!  (To my credit, I did later break off that engagement!)

So why do we do that?!  Why do we allow ourselves to settle when we know we deserve better?

Tick Tock, It’s Freak Out O’Clock

I can’t speak for you, but if you’re a woman over a certain age (particularly a Christian woman and maybe even some men too), you’ve probably sensed the judgment of others or felt the pressure to find someone.  Maybe it’s entirely pressure you’ve put on yourself because the timeline you planned has passed or the ticking of your biological clock is a countdown for panic to set in.  I imagine I’m not the only one whose allowed fear or frustration to lead me into relationships with people I never pictured for my life.  You know, like the fear that if [this] person wasn’t interested in you, maybe nobody else would be?  Or if you upheld your standards and convictions, maybe nobody would ever meet them or you’d be left without any options and stay single for a really long time, possibly forever.  There comes a moment when you figure, you better take what you can get!

plenty-of-fish

And just because I’m a Christian doesn’t mean I don’t get super pissed off at God from time to time too.  He claims that He’ll give me the desires of my heart, but that hasn’t happened and I’m supposed to trust His timing, yet He’s sure not in any hurry!  Doesn’t He realize how old I’m getting?  In fact, this frustration perpetuates a cycle for me.  I get broken up with and after the crying has subsided, I decide that I’m going to keep my standards up and trust God for my future relationship.  After all, He’s God and must have someone in mind for me, so I’ll hold out for that, since everything I’m trying hasn’t worked.  After a couple of years of random dates with no success, my patience wears thin and I start to lower my standards again because keeping them up proves to be a lost cause.  The thing I’ve learned about myself, is that once I’ve allowed someone in my heart, even a little bit, I will start to like them, whether they’re the kind of person I’ve been holding out for or not.  I am a settler.  (Hello!…engaged to the rude cat guy!)  Unfortunately (and fortunately!), as many times as I’ve tried to settle, something deep within me has never allowed it…

Settle Down Now

Maybe recognizing my cycle was the first step to not being caught up in it again.  Unfortunately, I’ve known too many girls over the years who have successfully settled.  The wrong guy was interested in them now and they didn’t want to wait for the right one later.  At the time I was really jealous of these girls, because they seemingly got the dream, but looking at it now, when you have to lose who you are in order to get that, I don’t think it’s much of a dream anymore.  If I have to compromise my beliefs for the sake of a man, no thanks.  I’ll continue to hold out for the one I won’t have to do that for!  I finally like myself enough to keep my standards up and I’ve made it this late in life single, I don’t know why I would settle now!

Maniacal Laugh

There was a time when I was super bitter about being single and I would think – one day I’ll show you!  I’ll show all of you!  Everyone who told me I was too picky and everyone who told me to lower my standards.  I’ll get the best man out of anyone and prove that I knew what I was doing all along and that this is what you wait for!  …  But I can’t prove that yet.  And maybe I’ll never be able to.  So, how can I tell you to value yourself, hang on to what’s important to you and never settle because it will all be worth it one day, when I don’t have the success story to back it up?

Here’s what I do know though.  The girls who settled… The girl who moved in with her boyfriend in hopes that it would bring him closer to marrying her.  She’s still living with him all these years later, but not married yet.  The girl who told me she wanted a Christian but said they were too hard to find so she settled for “a decent guy”.  She’s not happy.  In fact, she might be the most unhappy person I know.  Or the girl who wanted a man to fill a void and give her value.  She got a man, but he didn’t fill that void or give her value so a man didn’t solve the problem.  So yes, I may be single.  I may not have the”normal” life I wanted and I may still be hoping that one day I can prove to myself that my wait hasn’t been in vain, but I can honestly say, I am more content with my life right now having never settled than I would be had I successfully done so!

Remember, it’s easier to set your standards higher before you meet someone, than trying to raise them after the fact.

Filtered

/ Roxie

Here’s the situation: I feel like we try to win the approval of others by showing them a filtered version of ourselves, yet we want the real version of them.  So why do we think they wouldn’t want the same thing from us?

I have no idea how to use Snapchat the way it’s intended.  I think that officially makes me old.  I mean, I know how to look at the filters and I think I even know how to send a snap, but when it comes to anything else, I’m lost.  I’m lost and frankly, I don’t actually care.

I downloaded the app a few years ago after a Christmas party when a coworker was showing me the different filters.  I thought it was the funniest thing, but I’ve never actually used it like one should and I’ve considered getting rid of it, but… the filters… they’re just too good!  Does anybody else wish they naturally looked like their Snapchat self too?  I’m sorry, but I am bea•u•ti•ful with Snapchat!  My skin is flawless and taut and glows.  My eyes are big and sparkly.  My hair is it’s blondest blonde.  I am a freaking hottie when filtered!  Unfortunately, when I accidentally flip back to the normal camera lens, the reflection catches me off guard like, Buzz, your girlfriend.  Woof.

buzz

I Dunno If I Should Go With XX Pro or Valencia.  I Wanna Look Tanned.

As much as I wish I looked like my Snapchat self, I try not to post photos using it that often.  Sure, you’ll find the occasional one where the addition of hipster glasses and freckles were too cute not to use, but even the more natural filters without a prop are still a total misrepresentation of what I actually look like!

Now, before I start running my mouth about being filtered, maybe I should clarify some things.  An Instagram “filter”, though technically a filter, really only changes the lighting/brightness, etc., so I am not opposed to using them to improve the photo or the way you look in the photo (while completely ignoring what everyone else looks like).  It’s when you use filters or apps to tweak your actual appearance, that I start to have a problem, especially if you’re trying to pass it off like that’s really you!  If I know you in real life and have seen your forehead wrinkles and deep pores, but all of your photos have this smooth, softened, porcelain skin … gurl please!  (And/or boy please! I know some of you guys do it too!)  Trust me, I get it, I prefer to see myself filtered as well, but it’s all getting to be a little too fake when everyone claims to want authenticity.

E-I-E-I-O

Ever heard the saying “if the barn needs painting – paint the barn”?  Well, this barn requires a fresh coat every morning.  I love when people ask me “why do you get up so early?” or “how come it takes you so long to get ready?”.  Uhhhh, because this, (imagine me pointing to my face and drawing a circle around it with my finger), takes time!  I wear a full face of make up 7 days a week and I constantly chase my own version of perfection*, so I should be the last to have anything to say about how fake we’ve become, but in spite of my own desire to be considered beautiful by today’s standards, I can also see how today’s standards of beauty have become very one dimensional.

* Read about it in The Pursuit of Perfection

Stepford Wives

I don’t know what your Search & Explore feed looks like on Instagram (that’s the page with the magnifying glass icon, in case you didn’t know it had a name), but mine is mainly food, make up, fitness people, Bachelor/ette cast members and for some strange reason, a lot of Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir photos.  I don’t know why – I don’t search or follow either of them!  (Don’t get me wrong, I do love them!)  Dispersed throughout these photos are usually ones of pretty girls in really cute outfits.  Sometimes they’re those same fitness people showing off their style outside of the gym and sometimes it’s some random #fashionblogger or verified “influencer” I don’t know but likely has ties to the Bachelor world.  I don’t fully understand the algorithm, but because these are the photos I see, I’ve noticed that most of these girls are completely interchangeable!  They’re all stick thin (yet claim to eat tacos all the time), have super long hair, usually platinum blonde with beautiful waves, they have full eyelashes and they all wear the exact same outfits; an oversize knit sweater tucked into their faded blue skinny jeans which are cut just above their ankle boots or a t-shirt with another shirt tied around their waist.  If you’ve ever seen them, you can easily picture them.

I’m a middle aged women being infiltrated with these images and when I see them, I think – awww man, I need to lose 30 lbs, buy a new wardrobe and get some work done in order to be beautiful.  Imagine the message for someone half my age and twice as impressionable.  Is it really any wonder that “pretty” is all starting to look the same?  I mean, if this is the mainstream image and what we identify as beautiful, we will likely pattern ourselves after it.  And to what extent are we willing to go?

I saw a TV special once about Asians who want to look more ‘American’ and take extreme measures to do so.  For instance, getting plastic surgery in order to create a creased eyelid or even worse, “stature lengthening”!  Heard of it?  Brace yourself.  Your tibia and fibula are broken and a lengthening rod is inserted into the cartilage which gradually pulls the bones apart.  The body’s natural healing response is to grow new bone to close the gap, potentially giving you an extra 2-3″ of height over a 5 month stretching/healing period.  Are you cringing yet?!

It’s really unfortunate that as we chase worldly beauty to gain acceptance, we lose the beauty of our individuality and uniqueness.

You’re a Fake and a Phony and I Wish I’d Never Laid Eyes on You

I’m curious to know if men realize that the majority of girls they see and find attractive, are probably not real.  Heck, I’m a girl and up until a year ago, I didn’t even realize that most of what I saw wasn’t real!  If I saw a girl with super long hair, I assumed it was hers, because back when I had super long hair, I grew it myself!   I had NO idea that most of the girls you see with hair anywhere past the middle of their backs were BUYING it!  I would ask girls with thick and full eyelashes what mascara they used so that I could get those same lashes, only to find out they were BUYING eyelash extensions.  So many beautiful features women have are purchased!  Perfect eyebrows → microbladed.  Pouty lips → injected.  Teeth → whitened.  Breasts → implants.  Tan → sprayed.  Nails → fake.  Fake, fake, fake.  Bought, bought, bought.

hair3

Here I am, 16 years ago, with my very own, naturally grown, super long hair.  Oh, and Mr. Big from Sex and the City.  NBD.

Lately culture is spreading the gospel of body positivity and being yourself, loving yourself and having a healthy self esteem, which is great!  However, it seems like the majority of women are continuing to purchase all of these things!  It’s a bit of a confusing message isn’t it?  Like, you’re posting a #nomakeupselfie with some inspirational caption to empower other women about their natural beauty, but you have tattooed eyebrows, lash extensions and Botox – of course you’re confident without make up!  And let me stress – no hate on you!  I’ve paid for my own things in order to feel beautiful and will continue to do so also!  I’m not a martyr!

I’m Sexy and I Nose It

We all have that one thing (or twenty) that we dislike about ourselves.  At nearly 41, I can look in the mirror and think that I’m an attractive girl, more so than I could any year prior, which is weird since I’m just getting older, wrinklier and continuously gaining that middle age spread.  I see the full package of awesomeness that I am, but my focus?  Straight to my nose.  I’ve hated it EVERY DAY since grade 7.  I think it started the day a teacher made us trace our side profiles using the shadow from an overhead projector, then cut them out and post them around our classroom.  Thank you for that, Mrs. McCullough…

Most of the time I forget that this is the nose attached my face, but as soon as I catch a glimpse of it in the mirror or see it in a photo, I am reminded that as much as I try to fine tune the rest of me, I will always have this.  I’ve often wondered if it wasn’t the thing that kept me single too.  When I finally saved enough money to buy my condo, I seriously considered putting that money towards rhinoplasty instead.  I weighed my options: do I buy a condo and have a big nose or do I buy a small(er) nose and be homeless?  Well, I wouldn’t be homeless.  I could’ve lived with my mom, but if I was worried that my nose was keeping me single, I think moving home to my mommy at 36 would’ve done a pretty good job of that instead!

As much as I hate the central focal point of my face, I think I’m starting to accept that it’s part of what makes me me.  Maybe it even makes me stand out, good or bad.  No press is bad press, right?  All of those girls whose looks are interchangeable – they’re beautiful, but there’s really nothing memorable about them.  Do you know who is memorable though?  Barbara Streisand.  Lea Michele.  Sarah Jessica Parker.  Chelsea Peretti.  Lady Gaga.  The girls without the button noses.

Shake What Your Mama Gave Ya

Conventional beauty is one-note and can be achieved by anyone with enough money or enough apps.  I know I’ll never look like those stick thin, taco eating “influencers” of Instagram, but I think if you really want to be influential, you need to be yourself!  And if yourself requires a little bit of barn painting, that’s ok.  More people can identify with a painted barn that’s real, than a fake or filtered one!  People want the real you and will admire the real you for – you got it – your realness!  We all fall prey to the comparison trap, but don’t do the world a disservice by being anything less than the individual beauty you were created to be.  The world needs you, JUST AS YOU ARE.

Your need for acceptance can make you invisible in this world.  Don’t let anything stand in the way of the light that shines through this form.  Risk being seen in all of your glory.

– Jim Carrey

The Unknown

/ Roxie / Leave a comment

Here’s the situation: I find the uncertainty of my future as a single, exciting and terrifying at the same time.  I both look forward to it and dread it equally.  What a fun little dichotomy!

At the start of each new year, I take inventory.  A look back on the previous year to see what of my written goals I have accomplished, in 5 separate categories: personal, relational, financial, spiritual and miracle.  Though the success rate is usually 60%, I’m still left feeling more discouraged than encouraged.  I had 365 days to accomplish big things, but what in my life looks any different, except my collagen and elastin continuing to succumb to age?  There were 365 days left wide open for miracles to happen.  But again, they didn’t.  And now, as I write out new goals, I have to muster up the faith to believe that even though every year prior seems to prove that miracles don’t happen, at least not for me, maybe 2020 will be the year to change everything?  And so, I enter another 365 days 361 days of the unknown.

Set the Thermostat to Tropical

My favorite thing about being an adult is the moment you realize you are an adult and you are in charge.  For me it was a little thing like – hey, I don’t have to eat the yellow Skittles!  I hate lemon flavored candy and I can throw them out if I want, I’m a grown @$$ woman!  Or after my first roommate and I moved out of our parents houses so many years ago, we realized that we are in control of the thermostat!  When I lived at home, my parents turned the heat down for night.  Why?!  I hate waking up in a cold house!  It makes it 10x harder to get out bed and leave the warmth of my duvet behind.  Every parent paying to heat a house must have a default “put on a sweater” setting built in to their DNA.  Well, no I will not!  I’m an adult now, I want to be comfortable in my own home.  If I have to pay a little bit more each month so that I can stay warm, I will!  I’d rather wear less clothes around the house than have to pile on the layers while INSIDE!  I’m not used to being consistently cold anymore and after spending 3 days at my cousin and her warm-blooded husband’s house at Christmas, my body temperature slowly dropped to where I think my brain function began to shut down and I started talking crazy.  I said to her, “I don’t know if I want to get married anymore.  I don’t want to give up my thermostat!”  I even went so far as thinking that those of us who have stayed single this late in life might actually be the lucky ones!  (Who am I when I get cold?!)

tropical

I first saw the picture above over 10 years ago.  It’s from a book titled Porn For Women, in which, photos of men doing household chores are paired with captions catered to what appeals to women.  If I die and someone goes through my Google search history, I was only looking to find this image!!

Serious as a Heart Attack

I’m an only child, raised by parents who stayed married until death did they part.  Romantic right?  Nope.  It became two people who coexisted for the better part of their lives.  My mom, Christian of all Christian’s, is almost too saved, so divorce was not an option.  This is a tenacity that few possess in relationships anymore and though there are legitimate, biblically acceptable reasons to get divorced, I was raised with the mindset that you did not do it.  Because divorce wasn’t an option, and as much as I can help it, I would still prefer it not to be in the future, I take relationships seriously.  I date with intent and from the moment I have even an ounce of interest in you, I’m paying attention.  Attention to the things you say, the things you do, how you act or react, your character, if I can hear you breathe or chew…  If things were to get serious, marriage is for life and life is a long time to spend with someone!

I’m Like a Vault Baby, Locked Down

When I was in my 20’s, watching all my friends find love and get married, I thought – as soon as I get married, the hard part will be over.  No more awkward first dates, no more wasting your time getting to know someone only to have them dump you.  NO MORE HEARTBREAK!  In my mind, once I was married, a man wouldn’t go anywhere and that had always been the problem; they were free to leave, so they did.  Therefore, if I could just lock one in, I’d never get hurt again!  [And all the married people laughed and rolled their eyes.]  Yes, yes, I know…  I’ve learned that a ring and some vows are no guarantee that you won’t ever be hurt again.  Not only that, but I’ve come to realize that getting hurt or heartbroken is actually a whole lot easier when you’re not locked in with someone!  And, it doesn’t matter how much you’ve vetted someone beforehand, you have no idea what the future holds!

Where Are They Now?

Ever take to Google to see what your favorite teen idols look like now or find out what they’re up to?  Some have maintained their careers and still look good.  Some, not so much and some you’d probably pass in the street and pay no mind because they look so normal.  It’s interesting to see how people change over the years, even the people you know.

Guys I’ve had crushes on in the past who were sooooo dreamy, I’ll see now and think, meh – they look like an average guy in their 40’s, because most of the time, they are an average guy in their 40’s!  Or there are the girls my age who I compare myself to and wonder if I’m holding up better or worse than.  And if I do think it’s better, I question if my self perception is totally warped.  Looks aside, there are people who used to be full of joy and have a lust for life, but they’ve become hardened and cynical.  Or those you figured would amount to nothing, but went on to do great things.  I’m constantly trying to improve who I am – how come some people share that drive, while others give up?

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.

You Can Lead a Horse to Water

Do you know what scares me now about potentially meeting someone?  Realizing that when you get married, you have no idea how your spouse might grow or change over time.  I’ve talked with numerous married people over the years and none of them could’ve predicted their future would turn out the way it has.  Some of them, surprised it is better, but some of them, trapped and unhappy because it’s much much worse.  There are silly things like the phases of bad fashion and awful trends we all go through and might have to put up with in someone else, but the serious stuff…the unknown…

You could marry someone who matches your energy and exercises and meal preps with you, but develops an illness that robs them, and you, of those things you did together.  You might have been drawn to someone spontaneous or a social butterfly, but they lose their adventurous spirit and become a hermit or depressed.  What about the well put together spouse you were so attracted to who lets themselves go or the spouse who vows to be faithful and breaks their promise?  What if you marry a dog guy and he turns into a cat guy?!  (Definite grounds for divorce.)  What happens when the going gets tough and the tough abandon their beliefs and turn their back on the faith you once kept at the center of your relationship?

My dream has always been to get married.  I’ve made a point of not settling, yet even if I met the person of my dreams or my “soulmate” (PS, soulmates don’t exist), people are always evolving.  I can’t control that person or how they feel or what they do.  I can’t predict the future.  The idea of finally finding what I want, only to later be unhappy or feel trapped…it’s a paralyzing thought!  I don’t want to regret my decisions.  I don’t want to be jealous of people living my old life.  I don’t want my answered prayer to become my next prayer request.

Look Into My Crystal Ball

If you had the choice to find out what was going to happen in your future, would you want to know, or not?

I don’t really like surprises.  I think it’s because I don’t like being unprepared.  I want to know what I’m getting into, in advance, so that if I need to, I’ll pack the right stuff or wear the appropriate clothes or at least have time to wrap my head around what is going to happen.  You might call me a control freak, but I just like details!  Mainly, I don’t like to go into things blindly, because I don’t want to end up looking like a fool.

In spite of my dislike of surprises, aka, my fear of the unknown, if given the choice, I don’t think I’d want to know my future.  I think it might be too overwhelming or too disappointing and if I knew what was going to happen, I wouldn’t need faith and I’d most certainly quit making and pursuing goals, especially if I knew it was all for naught.  The fun, as much as it isn’t sometimes, is in the anticipation.  The thrill of the chase.  So you know what?  Lets put on a brave face as we walk into an unknown 2020.  Lets hope that what we’re doing now will get us the results we want later and if we look like a fool, well then, I guess we look like a fool!

And cheers to us old singles who haven’t found ourselves trapped in an unhappy marriage yet.  …and hopefully not ever!  We just might be the lucky ones!  (And my brain has thawed, so that’s my sanity talking!)

2020

Offended

/ Roxie / Leave a comment

Here’s the situation:  Everybody is offended lately.  Well maybe I’m offended that you’re offended!  Ever think of that?

People are endlessly looking for the secret to a happy life and I’ve discovered it!  Don’t pay attention to the news!  Ignorance is bliss!  I hear about 2 minutes of news a day on the radio as I get ready and that’s enough to keep me up to date without my world being infiltrated with negativity.  I get that it’s good to be informed, but the news and Facebook feeds and media in general are so frustrating!  Every day there’s something new about someone saying or doing something that people are offended by and it’s gotten to be ridiculous!  There isn’t a band-aid big enough to cover everyone’s hurt feelings!

Sometimes I wonder if I’ve just gotten old and crotchety.  Like, if I had a lawn, maybe I’d be outside shaking my fist and yelling at kids to get off of it.  That kind of crotchety.  But really, I think the world has gone mad and I can’t handle it!  Who are these people who get so offended and when did everyone get so sensitive?

Ugly Duckling

Hal – I would never believe a girl this beautiful could have such a great personality.

Mauricio – Ugly duckling syndrome.

Hal – What?

Mauricio – She probably didn’t get pretty ’til high school, thus the personality had to develop out of necessity.  It’s an evolutionary thing.

Hal – You know what, I bet you’re right.  She’s way too pretty to be so nice.

Mauricio – Sometimes they’re ugly so long, when they finally turn pretty, they don’t even realize it; it’s like the ugly self image is so well ingrained.  That’s a real find.

– Jack Black & Jason Alexander, Shallow Hal (2001)

When you are [still] in your awkward stage at 19 and don’t have looks to rely on, you have to develop a personality in order to win people over (namely boys).  Along with a personality, you observe what is going to fly and what is not, and then you make sure to be laid back, so as to not give anyone reason to dislike you.  In my experience, being a prudish, offended, prissy girl was cause for mockery, so if you wanted to fit in, be accepted and have boys think you were cool, hearing crude jokes or inappropriate comments and not being bothered by them was just part of the territory.  This talent to brush things off came in handy since I went on to work in the construction industry and have for some 20 years now.  I still hear things daily that would make my mom’s head spin!  I might not want to hear everything anymore or be talked with like ‘one of the guys’, but it’s not often that I get truly offended by inappropriate comments.  Heck, most of the time I’m flattered someone would still make them to me!  I think my early training in not being offended has made me a little more calloused towards our PC culture than many of today’s precious little snowflakes.

‘Tis the Season to be Offended, Fa La La La La La La La La

We recently passed Halloween, which, as a Christian, you will hear many stances for or against.  My stance?  I actually haven’t cared enough to look into the root of it, because I’m always ok with free candy!  My problem with Halloween in 2019 though, is there are so many costumes deemed offensive.  If a guy puts on a dress and ugly make up, it’s offensive.  If you put on the traditional garb of another culture, it’s offensive.  If you dress up like a celebrity who is deceased, it’s disrespectful.  What about people who dress up like Mr. Clean?  Are neat-freak bald guys offended?  Or girls who dress up like a slutty cat.  What do the actual slutty cats think?  Yes, there are some costumes that do cross the line, but half of the fun in Halloween is dressing up so you don’t look like yourself.  Besides, didn’t imitation used to be the greatest form of flattery?

Now we’re 2 days away from Christmas and heaven forbid you wish someone a Merry Christmas.  That would be forcing your religion down someone’s throat!  Let me remind you that the only reason you get the 25th off is because it’s a religious holiday.  Maybe we should stop allowing people who don’t believe in Jesus to take time off?  Sorry, there goes your Easter holiday too.  How do you think that would go over?

What about the Christmas song that they want to ban from radio, ‘Baby, It’s Cold Outside’?  It’s an innocent flirty Christmas song, it’s not some dark ode to date rape.  Rather than taking it out of context, why not research it?  If you did, you would learn it was composed in 1944 by Frank Loesser, who originally wrote it as a playful call-and-response duet for him and his wife to perform at their housewarming party while their guests were preparing to leave.  Ooooh, menacing hey?

Let’s not forget about the controversial Peloton ad that had the internet up in arms this year.  A husband gave his wife a piece of exercise equipment for Christmas.  How sexist!  What is he saying?  Is he body shaming her?  Must she stay in shape to please him visually or sexually?  Is this a form of coercive control?  Everybody take a breath.  It’s a commercial from a business trying to sell a stationary bike.  That’s it.  Why must we read into everything?!

That’s the 2019 mindset though.  Everything has an underlying message of ill intent.  Not true.  We think if we ban something or boycott something else, we’ve solved the problem.  Not true.  Just because we lock something away doesn’t mean we’ve fixed anything.

Do I Offend?

I was telling a friend about a guy I knew, who jokingly messaged me “marry me!” after he found out I was watching his favorite sport on TV.  I laughed about it and of course, didn’t give it a second thought.  I knew the guy was joking and found it amusing.  My friend however, found it offensive that he would say something like that to me.  I tried to understand how it was at all offensive, but couldn’t and to this day, I still can’t, yet my friend was really bothered by it!

offend

In another instance, I was telling a boyfriend about a guy friend who would always toss out a degrading greeting when he would see me or his other female friends.  I knew the guy was joking and didn’t actually think these things about us.  I also knew that what he said about me wasn’t true, so it didn’t bother me; it held no weight.  This is just how the guy is – a bit of a douche bag.  My then-boyfriend was super offended by it though and wanted to confront the guy to defend my honor.  Ummmm, no.  That friend had been around longer than that boyfriend and if I was really bothered by it, I would’ve handled it myself, but I wasn’t.

These sorts of situations, and the scads of offended people making news every day, lead me to wonder – how many times are we offended on behalf of other people when the person who rightfully should be offended, isn’t?  Are we just fighting a battle to make ourselves look better?

You Can’t Say That

I recently called a friend to ask that very question and more.  As a blonde haired…ok fine…as a dyed blonde haired, blue eyed, white girl living in Canada, I haven’t faced things like racism.  My friend however, could be subject to it.  He is, stay with me now, Indian/Native American/First Nations/Aboriginal/Indigenous.  I told him how I’d used the term Native American before and was quickly corrected that I couldn’t say that anymore, because it was offensive – it was Indigenous now!  I wanted to ask him if one was more offensive than another because it has changed so many times over the years or if they were even offensive at all to someone who could be/would be offended by it.  His answer?  It all just depends in which context they are being used.  That goes with most things, I suppose.  What stood out to me and goes with my point above is that the person who corrected my faux pas was not Indigenous, they were white!  Again I wonder, are we just trying to save face?

Do I dare enter into this next segment?…

Tread Lightly Rox!

Freedom of speech.  Great concept, however it seems like you only actually have freedom of speech if you’re in the majority with your ideals.  Anything counter-culture and people are quick to call you out.  Buy your wife a Peloton and you’re sexist.  Stand up for your beliefs and you’re a bigot.  Question someone’s life choices and you’re shaming them.  There are some heavy racism accusations getting tossed around so frequently and so flippantly lately, I think the weight of what you are actually labeling someone has been lost.

Racism is believing you are superior to someone else, based on race.  Unfortunately not every situation or friend group is going to be as diverse as a 90’s United Colors of Benetton ad, but we have to remember that that a) doesn’t make someone a racist, b) isn’t necessarily on purpose and c) we shouldn’t make anyone feel guilty for it.

An author I enjoy recently faced backlash after she booked a speaking tour featuring about 3 other Caucasian speakers.  People were calling her a racist and she had to issue an apology.  Touring with white people doesn’t make her believe her race is superior to others.  Maybe they were the only speakers available for those particular dates?

What about the uproar from The Bachelor never having a black male lead?  Let’s break it down logically for a minute.  It’s a TV show which thrives on ratings.  Those ratings are driven by viewers.  The viewers are predominantly white women (stats show about 80%) and producers generally pick a male/female lead based on viewer popularity.  If the larger demographic of viewers are Caucasian and they are attracted to Caucasians (which doesn’t make them racist either), then the producers shouldn’t be faulted for picking a Caucasian lead.  It’s a business; they want ratings.  I work with a Chinese girl and we’ve discussed attraction to other races before.  She has told me flat out she’s not attracted to white men.  Does that make her a racist?  No, she’s just not attracted to white men.  There are plenty of white men that I’m not attracted to either!

I Will Cut You

One tweet at the fingertips of someone with a little bit of influence can turn the whole world against you.  The problem with the power of social media is that is there are two sides to every story but once one side has been heard, we don’t often allow the other side to be told.  We are passionate about social justice but continue to handle it incorrectly.  If someone does something we don’t agree with, we want to cut them down, cut them off or cut them out, and immediately.  We’re quick to rally against someone for the sake of our cause.

And why do we feel the need to go out of our way to make an example of someone we don’t like?  So we don’t like a celebrity or a political figure; can’t we just do that in silence?  Why do we feel warranted to dig into their past to ruin them?  There’s a statute of limitations on crimes, there has to be a statute of limitations on how far into a person’s past you can judge their actions.  People change!  Am I the same person I was 20 years ago?  Not even close.  What about 10 years ago or 5 years ago?  Similar, but not the same.  Have I said or done offensive things in my past, maybe just because I didn’t know any better?  Oh for sure!  Will I continue to say or do offensive things into the future?  Oh for sure!  Does that give anyone the right to have me fired or defame my character?  And why don’t we give out warnings anymore?  When did it become 1 strike, you’re out.  Perhaps it’s time to give people the benefit of the doubt and extend a little grace.  After all, we’ve all had grace extended to us and are given second chances daily.  People do change.

Who, Moi?

When we get offended, we tend to think it’s other people who are the problem.  After all, we would never have done that or said that, but we don’t often realize that offense is rooted in other things; insecurity, self righteousness, pride, grudges.  When we give in to offense, we elevate ourselves above others.  We have made ourselves the judge and jury as to what is correct and what isn’t, but that’s merely just our opinion, it isn’t necessarily fact!

The bible says that we shouldn’t be offended or that we should overlook offense.  It also says that pride is a sin, so who is actually in the wrong here; the offender or the offendee?  Perhaps the next time we are offended, we should look at ourselves to see why it bothered us so much.

Proverbs 19:11 (NIV)  A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.

All By Myself

/ Roxie / 1 Comment

Here’s the situation: It’s hard to make new friends as an adult!

I left an event recently and as I walked to my car, my eyes began to fill with tears.  I did the typical girl thing to make sure none of them actually escaped;  I blinked in rapid succession, waved my hands in front of my eyes and willed myself to ‘stop it’, but I could not gain control.  Within seconds of getting into my car I was bawling, in a parking lot, hoping no one would see me.  The only words I could get out, to no one but myself, were “I’m so tired of doing life alone!”.

Marry Your Best Friend

It should be common sense, but it took me more than a few crappy relationships before deciding that finding someone should actually enrich my life.  I may not always be thrilled to be single and I may not be in the position to be too selective anymore, but I’m not the type of girl who is going to settle for someone, just for the sake of having someone.  I’m not that desperate.  My life if pretty good actually and doesn’t need rescuing from some knight, so if I’m not going to be with someone who adds more value and enjoyment to what I already have, then I’d rather be single.  Now, I never wanted to be, or thought I’d be single at this age, but until recently, I never felt that single, because in a sense, I’ve had 2 spouses, just in best friend form.

My first “spouse” was my first roommate.  We lived together for 4 years and did everything together.  Worked together, worked out together, tanned together (separately), partied together…  I spent Christmases and Easters with her family or even just family dinners and games nights, I was there.  Our neighbors thought we were ‘partners’ and many people thought we were sisters.  We grocery shopped and ran errands together.  We just did life together.  When she got married, I moved in with my cousin, my second “spouse”, and we ended up living together for 11 years!  Even though our day to day lives weren’t quite so intertwined (different jobs, different hours, etc), similar to my first roommate, we did life together too, plus actually being blood relatives helped.  People who didn’t know us well thought we were either lesbians, sisters or eerily close friends.  The first time I’ve ever lived alone was after she got married.  It’s nice to have your own space and reign over Netflix and I’m one of those people who recharges alone, but it gets lonely.  Having a companion always made everything more fun, even the boring stuff.

Plus None

In all my years, there have only been 2 times that I brought a (male) date to an event and they were both with my then fiancé.  (Truth be told, I probably didn’t want him to come, but felt obligated out of fiancé-ly duty.  Reason #179 why we didn’t get married!).  Generally any sort of work party, wedding or other gala I get invited to, I know the people I’ll be around, so unless I’m actually in a relationship, I don’t often invite a date.  You just have to babysit them to make sure they’re having a good time or don’t get left alone, so unless I really like you, I can’t be bothered to bring a date, like I said above, for the sake of having a date.  I’ve grown accustomed to attending things alone, but sometimes there are moments that remind you just how alone you really are.

It was another wedding sans plus one.  I was friends with a bunch of people attending and told I’d be seated with a group I knew, so it was all good, I didn’t need a date.  I arrived at the reception and found my name on the seating chart.  Perfect – a round table of eight; 3 couples, myself and another girl whose husband couldn’t attend.  Only, last minute the husband could attend, so the seating chart attendant now had the unfortunate role of shuffling people around.

My emotions were heightened due to this wedding.  After these vows, I would be the last remaining single in this group of friends and being older than all of them, my time should’ve come first!  The seating chart attendant couldn’t have known how sensitive I was at that moment, so when she asked to move me, stating it was easiest because “you are the only one who’s single“, it felt like having a flaw that you’re self conscious of, but you don’t think anyone notices.  Only then you find out that not only do they notice it, they point it out to you!  For the sake of not making a scene, I obliged (while silently cursing everyone and their livelihood) and I was reassured that I would be moving to another table of people I knew.  It was true, I knew all but 1 person assigned there, however, I wasn’t aware that they all had jobs to do at the wedding and wouldn’t be able to sit!  Photographers, servers, a DJ and an emcee.  There I sat, already feeling ostracized, with a glaringly obvious reminder that I was alone – 7 empty chairs.  After about 15 minutes seething with white hot inner rage and fighting off tears, the one stranger at my table arrived and he didn’t have a role besides bridesmaid’s boyfriend, so the 2 of us sat while our table mates popped in and out, up and down.

The evening turned out to be fine, but it is etched into my brain.  The only one who’s single.  I swear it could’ve been scripted for a movie.  Single girl, upset about being single, goes to a wedding alone, gets bumped from her table because she’s alone and winds up at a table, sitting alone.  Of course, in the movie version, I would’ve had a meet-cute with the man of my dreams and lived happily ever after.  Instead I did wedding themed mad libs with a bridesmaid’s boyfriend.

meet-cute (noun)

(in a film or television show) An amusing or charming first encounter between two characters that leads to the development of a romantic relationship between them.

White Flag

I was texting with an old old friend recently and she asked “so, still happily single?”.  I snickered to myself and replied “more like, kind of accepted it”.  Acceptance is a weird place to be as someone who’s wanted to get married for 20+ years, but I think I might’ve actually, maybe, sort of, finally become ok with the potential for #foreveralone.  Wait, let me rephrase that.  I’ve had to become ok with it.  I’ve cried enough.  There’s really no point wasting any more time wanting something that I can’t make happen, so I’ve finally thrown my hands up and surrendered.

I like to think that things won’t stay this way forever and I have moments where the reality of that is overwhelming, but spending so much time being single has kind of forced me to shift my focus.  Rather than being on the lookout for a good man only to be disappointed each time I see one who catches my eye and is already taken, I decided to make other goals and while I pursue them, enjoy the days, do fun things and live life with my friends.  Unfortunately, as my plans for life were getting bigger, my social circle kept getting smaller.  My close friends are now all married or starting families.  Some switched churches so I didn’t see them as often, some moved away and some just stopped being my friend altogether.  Life happens, but when your plan is to enjoy life with others and suddenly it feels like you’ve lost all your others, that’s when you have parking lot meltdowns about being alone!

I know I’m not unique to it, but very few people have had the experience of staying single (never married) until they’re 40 and unless you’ve lived it, I don’t think you can truly compute how isolating it can be at times.  I love my friends and they are more important to me than they probably realize, but it’s easy to be unintentionally forgotten about.  Spouses and children and building a life together with someone takes precedence, understandably, but because of the accompanying “busyness” and obligations, many times it seems like if you weren’t the one reaching out, you’d never hear from anyone!  I really felt pushed this year to expand my circle and try to make more friends.

F•R•I•E•N•D•S

Nobody ever really talks about hard it is to make new friends as an adult.  It’s like some secret that we’ve been told to keep, but we’ve ALL been told it, so it’s not really a secret, we just have to act like nobody else knows the truth.  When the topic comes up though, everybody emphatically agrees and has a lot to say.   In my quest to make more friends this year, I learned I wasn’t the only one who had these struggles!

1. Where do you even go to make friends as an adult?!

When you’re young there’s youth group and school or parties and pubs/clubs.  Even after as young as 25 there aren’t many environments created to cultivate friendship.  You can’t just quit your job so that you can go work with new people and hope that they become your friends.  You might have a hobby and the opportunity to meet other like-minded people if you took a class or joined a club, but if these things aren’t options, where do you go?  There’s no speed dating for friends and there might be websites, but that’s a little too weird to me!

2. We’re all uncomfortable and afraid of rejection

Remember when you were a kid and your parents tossed you in a room with some other kid and you immediately started playing together?  It’s not like that anymore!  As you get older, you have a tendency to approach things with more caution.  It’s a side effect of life experience and I think we all wonder if people are going to like us.  I’ve had my fair share of experiences that have caused me to automatically assume people won’t like me because I’m not good enough for them.  Or they’ll only like me until they meet my cooler, funner, more outgoing, more spontaneous friends.  I mean, it’s happened multiple times in the past, who’s to say it wouldn’t happen again, right?  I’ve also met some really bold and confident people who have since told me that they were so nervous to ask me to hang out or have coffee.  I guess technically it’s almost like asking someone on a date – the potential to be rejected, even on a friendship level, is always there!

3. Where do I fit in?

We’re drawn to what we can identify with.  That’s why couples befriend other couples and moms gravitate to other moms, but where do I fit in?  Girls my age have husbands and teenage children.  Girls 10 years younger than me have husbands and young children.  I guess I have the most in common with someone in their 20’s and though I feel young, let’s be honest, my culture references, sayings, jokes and where I’m at in life are not the same.  How much do they want me lingering around (or how much do I want to linger around) before I come off a little too Amy Poehler in Mean Girls?

cool-mom

4. We all get lonely and we all make assumptions

Making assumptions is probably our biggest mistake and I know I’m guilty of it!  Often I won’t bother asking people if they want to do something because I assume that because they have a spouse, they want to spend all of their time with them or because they have kids that they are busy.  Then I found out, these people aren’t asking me if I want to do something because they assume I’m living some wild single life and won’t want to do some boring married person activity or hang out with a kid nearby.  Do I want to go to Gymboree or watch The Wiggles with you, for sure no, but if all you can do in this season of your life is go for a walk with your stroller, I have legs, I can walk!  I’d rather work around a few complications and see my friend than not see them at all.  But instead of making a move, what do either of us do?  We assume the other won’t want to get together for various reasons, don’t bother texting and we stay at home, feeling lonely and rejected because of our own misconceptions!

Just Do It

A man who has friends, must himself be friendly. – Proverbs 18:24 NKJV

We were created to be in relationship and we all desire companionship of some kind.  Friendships are so important!  The married families need to realize that we singles need them, just as much as they need us.  We each bring something unique to the table, but we’ll never learn from one another if we don’t spend time with one another!  So, the next time you draw back thinking that people will be too busy to get together with you, the least you could do is ask.  Or if you’re too nervous to ask someone new to hang out, embrace the awkwardness!  Chances are, they’re just as nervous and awkward as you.  You can meet some awesome people, like me for instance, once you break through that first moment of discomfort!

I expect my calendar to fill up now…just sayin’.

 

 

 

Let’s Talk About Sex…The Opposite Sex

/ Roxie / Leave a comment

Here’s the situation: I believe there is an identity crisis happening with men in our country and I think women might be responsible for it.  (Oh snap, I’m going there!)

I’ve been told before that I am an enigma, which might be true because at times, I even puzzle myself.  I am extremely private and only share what I want, when I want and with whom I want.  At the same time though, I am an open book!  If you ask me anything, as long as I know you’re not just trying to start a debate, I have no problem answering you truthfully and vulnerably.

Even more puzzling, I desire to be known, yet one of my pet peeves is when people who don’t really know me, think they do.  Ya’ll don’t know me!  For whatever reason, it gets my back up when (certain) people misinterpret my openness and think they know me well enough to tell me how I feel, speak on my behalf or talk about “us”, like we have so much in common when technically they only know a fraction of who I am.  (I realize it’s odd and probably stems from a deeper issue, but that’s not what we’re talking about today!)

It’s hard to come up with a good example but perhaps something like meeting someone at Starbucks and ordering a Caramel Macchiato and then the next time we meet they say something like “I know how you love Caramel Macchiato’s”.  Like, it was one time.  Or when another single girl says something like “I don’t understand why girls like us can’t find a man”.  Girls like us?  You might be correct that I can’t find a man, but you don’t take the time to do your hair or make up and you dress like a 65 year old elementary teacher with your embroidered sweater vests.  Do not put me on the same playing field as you!

how-dare-you

This is a whole lot of set up to tell you that when other women – bitter, single, divorced or unhappily married – find out I am old and still single, they often assume that like them, I am a man hater.  They want to bring me into their fold and expect me to feel the same level of disgust towards men as they do.  Have I been a man hater in the past?  After heartbreak, absolutely!  However, it may surprise you, I am actually a very large supporter of men!

If You Can’t Be An Athlete, Be An Athletic Supporter

I have a long history of dating jerks.  I was forever attracted to bad boys and used to joke if a guy looked like he’d treat me badly, sign me up!  Being older now and years of self reflection later, I realize it was my own insecurity that made me want these causeless rebels.  I always felt uncool, but if I dated a bad boy, it would prove that I was cool, in some weird, totally untrue way.

One night I had a date with a nice guy.  At the time he only owned a crotch rocket (or “sport bike”), so I drove us to our movie.  On the walk back to my car afterwards, he came to the driver’s side and tried to open the door for me.  I gave him a look and asked him what he was doing.  His reply?  “I guess chivalry is dead here.”  Granted, I was a little confused by him trying to open my car door and wondered if he forgot that I drove, but how many times have we as women said to a man trying to do something nice, “I got this”.  I do it all the time at work; someone offers to change the water cooler bottle and I say “I work out, I can lift the bottle myself thanks.”  It’s not necessarily that a man is trying to show me how weak I am, maybe they’re just trying to be nice?

Miss Independent

The other week I rolled up to my mom’s house and noticed she had a flat tire.  I went inside, told her she had a flat and since it’s just the 2 of us now, neither of us really knew what to do.  I don’t know how to change a tire, she didn’t even know where the spare was in her minivan and it was too flat to crawl to the closest gas station for air.  I told her she should call her friend and find out if her friends husband had a portable air compressor.  An old coworker of mine had one and it was so handy!  You just plug it into your lighter, fill your tire and then hopefully make it to a service station for a repair.  She called and he did!  Crisis (and tow) averted!

Right before I left her house she said to me “oh, I bought this funny mug from the thrift store I thought you might want”.  She showed me the mug and we both realized the irony of it!

man-mug

Burn Your Bra

If a feminist is just someone who wants equal rights for women, then yes, I can get behind that.  I believe women can do the same jobs as men and should be paid the same for them.  However, I think there’s an extreme side to feminism right now that I do not agree with and that is, women trying to prove that we are equal.  We’re not and I don’t think we ever will be, because we were created different, on purpose!  Besides our XX/XY chromosomes and male/female parts, men and women naturally have different strengths and different interests, but we keep trying to blur the lines.

Mars vs. Venus

What defines a man as being a man?  When I think about it, I admit, I think of the stereotypical masculine things like watching sports, eating meat, wanting to hunt, knowing how to fix things and being the head of the household (as controversial as that is!).  I also don’t think any of these things are inherently bad, but in 2019, it seems like being a stereotypical male is the worst thing a man can do.  Too many women are looking for men to be their shopping buddies or their craft partners.  They don’t just want a man to watch a rom-com with them, they want the man to want to watch the rom-com.  We are trying to feminize men so much, it’s almost as if we’re trying to eradicate masculinity altogether, but we actually need it!

Now, don’t get it twisted – toxic masculinity is a problem.  Believing that you can’t show emotion because ‘real men’ don’t cry is toxic.  Excusing poor behavior with reasoning like “boys will be boys” or “I’m a man, I have needs” is absolute garbage.  However, I don’t think we need to vilify men or natural (healthy) masculine tendencies.

Did you know it’s in a man’s very nature to want to provide and when he can’t, he feels like a failure as a man?  I think that most women (admit it or not) want to feel safe and protected and have a man who can take care of us.  Oh, but don’t take care of us too much, because we can take care of ourselves you know!  Chivalry is dying, if not already dead and it’s women who have killed it, yet what do women seem to want most in a man?  Kindness!  The definition of chivalry is courteous behavior; especially that of man toward woman.  Sounds a bit like kindness to me, no?  But we’re making it increasingly difficult for men to be kind.

Lose-Lose

Women get together with their friends and talk about how men suck, complain that there are no good ones left, all the while chirping “we don’t need no man”.  *insert z-snap here*  Sitcoms portray men as useless boobs.  Society tells them that who they are and what they are is bad.  They’ve become afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing for fear that it gets taken the wrong way, they hardly pay a woman a simple compliment anymore.

It’s really no wonder chivalry has died or why it seems like there is an epidemic of passive men.  These are the men who ask you if you want to “hang” rather than asking you if you want to go on a date and calling it a date!  Or the men who have no plan when they actually get that date… “I dunno, where do you want to go?”.  If a man is too bold and takes charge, he might come off as a misogynist or sexist or a chauvinist.  So instead he takes no action and we view him as being lazy, passionless and apathetic, forcing women to feel like they need to wear the proverbial pants, further stressing the male identity crisis.  I can see how it feels like a lose-lose, but let me tell you men – be bold!  Just don’t be a jerk!  (I should warn you though – just because you’ve decided to be bold, doesn’t mean you’ll get that date.)

Put Your Bra Back On

Have you heard any of the stats on children who grow up in fatherless homes?  63% of youth suicides, 85% of children with behavioral problems, 75% of adolescents with drug abuse problems, 60% of rapists, 85% of youths in prison…all because a man was not present.  Lest we forget that these children grow up to be adults who likely perpetuate the cycle they know.  I’m sorry to the extreme feminists and man-hating ladies, but we need men and men matter!  When you belittle men and their role, everything is affected.  Isn’t prevention better than intervention?

So why are we so afraid of encouraging men to be men?  Masculinity can be developed in a healthy way, without becoming toxic.  Supporting men doesn’t make women the weaker sex or deserving of less.  Even if we aren’t technically equal, we are of equal value!  We need to stop believing that if we raise men up, we lower ourselves.  When you encourage men to be what they were created to be – providers, protectors – women actually benefit too, as do children who grow up to have children of their own.

We need to be ok with men being men and we need men to not feel guilty for being men.  Can we learn to respect our differences?  Can we cheer men on in their strengths and actually allow them the opportunity to be a provider?  How about we all just support each other a little bit better, doing ourselves and future generations a favor!

If you need me, I’ll be hanging out by a door waiting for a man to open it for me.

Disclaimer:  This is a touchy subject that I know could easily be misunderstood.  I hope you read it open minded and heard the heart behind it.  I realize there are men who don’t want anything to do with their children and men who take advantage of women, abuse women or entire groups who oppress women.  I am NOT excusing this, victim blaming or suggesting women should sit back, shut up and support these types of men.  I just think our pendulum has swung from the extremes of submission to the extremes of defiance and neither creates a well functioning society.  We need to find a balance in between where all parties are whole and healthy!  Amen?

 

The Best is Yet to Come

/ Roxie

Here’s the situation:  “The best is yet to come.”  It’s an adage that gets tossed around all the time, but is the best actually yet to come?

Can you name a movie sequel that was better than the first?  I can only think of one.  Terminator 2.  I might be able to come up with a couple more if I really thought about it, but for the most part, sequels are a let down.  A bad sequel can even cheapen the experience of the first movie.  [And Dear Disney, you need to stop with the straight-to-DVD sequels of some of your best movies.  The Little Mermaid II?  Nobody cares about Ariel’s brunette daughter.]

What about when the series finale of our favorite show sucks?  We all have an opinion of how we want to see it end, but the writer doesn’t often script it our way, leaving us annoyed or disappointed.  I don’t watch Game of Thrones (because I’m a good Christian), but I’ve heard the outrage of fans over the final episode.  And my personal favorite, Dexter, (ok, retract what I said about being a good Christian) had the worst series finale that I’ve seen to date!  A lumberjack?  Really?

The latest trend is to completely remake movies or do TV reboots and as an 80’s/90’s child, I don’t even hate it!  However, there’s no denying they’re not what they once were.  The idea of revisiting the past is comforting, because it’s familiar, but no matter how hard you try, it will never be the same.

Carpe Diem

I have a horrible habit of not living in the moment.  I’ve mentioned before how I like to make plans so that I have something to look forward to in the future while I survive the every day.  Sometimes when I’m in the middle of the very thing I looked forward to, my mind wanders and I’m already thinking about the next thing.  Like, slow your roll Rox – savor this!  Then when the plans have passed, my nostalgic self looks back and wishes she could relive my favorite moments.

The wild nights out in my 20’s.  Traveling with my cousin.  Silly adventures with friends or apartment dance parties.  Even the things that might seem lame to some but meant so much to me.  I want to be able to have those moments again!  I don’t know what the future holds, so what if those were my highlights and nothing ever lives up to them?  I can try to recreate the magic and sometimes I get close, but one thing’s for sure; you can never truly go back.

You’ll Rue the Day!

Have you ever had to make a decision that stressed you out for days or weeks?  Maybe even months.  Then after you finally, definitively, made a choice, you still questioned whether you made the right one or not?  No matter if it was something good or bad that brought you to that place of decision, you obviously had a reason to choose what you did.

It’s interesting how we second guess ourselves or have a selective memory the moment things get uncomfortable.  Ever broke up with someone or been dumped, knowing that it was for the best, but as soon as you felt lonely, you wished you were back together?  Before the break up all you could see was the bad, but suddenly all you can remember is the good.  Sometimes you even get back together and what usually happens?  It doesn’t take long before you remember WHY you broke up in the first place!  (Guilty! On more than one occasion.)

You might’ve even noticed that doing the right thing (the wise thing) doesn’t always yield the right results.  When I decided to go back to church and get my life together at 25, I didn’t realize how depressed I’d feel for months and how much the years before had imprinted on my life and would affect me to this day.  When I broke up with my fiancé, knowing there had to be someone better out there for me, I figured I’d find that person within the next 5 years, at max.  That was plenty of time!  I didn’t realize I’d remain unmarried for what is going on 12 years now.  (He was not a good person guys, I wasn’t doing the very thing I rant about in my blog Triggered, which you can read by clicking on!)  When I invested into my education to switch careers, I never thought it would involve a massive pay cut and that I’d only do that career for a few months before going back to what actually paid the bills.  I had done all the right things, but everything seemed to be turning out wrong.  In those moments, it’s easy to get caught up wondering how things would be different if only I’d __________________.

No Ragrets

no-ragretsGetting a perm in the 80’s.  Living outside of my means.  Entering into relationships that I knew were dead ends from the start.  There are plenty of things I wish I HADN’T done, but I have few actual regrets.  Of course, there are a couple of big ones, but I try not to let my past mistakes plague me into the future.  Some people gotta learn the hard way, I guess I’m the kind of girl that has to find out for myself.  Queue DC Talk.  Besides, my own stupidity is what great stories are made of and has taught me many a valuable lesson!

Cool Guys Don’t Look at Explosions

When we start to long for the good ol’ days, panic in the wake of any decision “what have I done?” or feel like there’s a void in our life from something we had and left behind, we do have the option to (try and) go back to what was.  Unfortunately, what you moved on from, also continued to move.  What was familiar and comfortable then, wouldn’t be the same anymore.  Much like those sequels or TV reboots, it can never be what it once was and I think that’s the point – things will never be as good as they were for the sole purpose of keeping our focus on what’s ahead, rather than what’s behind.  So, is the best actually yet to come?  It just might have to be, because there’s really no other option!

Don’t look back.  You’re not going that way.

Me Time

/ Roxie / 3 Comments

Here’s the situation: I’ve decided I’m going to be more selfish, and coming from an only child, that really says something!

Now that I’ve turned the magical age of forever 29, I think I might actually be going through a midlife crisis.  It’s an interesting thing to now be making my descent on the proverbial hill.  Let me quickly sum up the aging process for you (thus far at least).  You’re a child and you can’t wait to grow up.  You’re a teen, but you can’t wait to be eighteen.  You’re young.  You’re young.  Life is a party and you have no cares in the world!  You’re a little older, but still too young to be thinking about things like mortgages and retirement.  Uh oh.  You’ve started to realize how much older you are and wish you’d gotten your act together a little sooner.  ∗boom∗  You’re old.  Now that you’ve entered the last half of your life, you really start to think about what you’ve done, what you haven’t done and how much, or how little, time you have left.

What’s New?

I hate running into people I haven’t seen in a while.  They always want to know what’s new.  I mean, I ask that question too, but generally people have a much different answer than mine.  New careers, new homes, spouses, babies.  Their lives change drastically in as short as a year, but you could ask me what’s new and I could give you the exact same answer today as I did 19 years ago!

2000:  “Oh, I live in (insert my neighborhood), I work for (insert my company name) and I’m single, never married, no kids.”

2019:  “Oh, I live in (insert my neighborhood), I work for (insert my company name) and I’m single, never married, no kids.”

Depending when you ran into me in this 19 year span though, you might’ve got a different answer.  I’ve lived in different communities, I quit my job to move to a new city and go back to school.  I got engaged, bought a condo with my fiancé, broke up with my fiancé, moved back to my original city, went back to school, got my old job back, traveled a bunch and ended up buying a condo in my childhood neighborhood, not because I wanted to, but because it’s where I could afford.

Outside of owning my own home, I feel like I’m living the same life again.  It just makes me wonder – what did I do, or not do, to get me (back) here?  My life isn’t bad, but my life is stuck and I want to be able to place blame on something specific as the reason.

I Aim to Please

I’ve never thought I was a people pleaser.  I can say no, even though it might disappoint you.  I don’t agree with people, just so that they like me.  Then I read this little article – 10 Signs You’re a People Pleaser.  There were 8 signs I disagreed with, but curse those 2 that I didn’t!  I wouldn’t say that I’m 100% either one, but I certainly have tendencies towards them.  I suppose I’ve always viewed them as ‘peace keeping’, rather than ‘people pleasing’, making them seem less dysfunctional to me.

1. You feel burdened by the things you have to do

  • You’re in charge of how you spend your time, but there’s a good chance your schedule is filled with activities that other people want you to do.

Ok, I’m actually quite selfish with my time.  I’ve learned I can’t handle too many activities, too many days in a row.  I get burnt out, I get sick and I need time alone to recharge.  Yup, I’m one of those people.  Or if I put too much focus in one area of my life, another one starts to fall apart and then I get cranky.  That’s why I really try to balance out ‘adulting’ and chores and entertainment and activities and commitments.  In spite of this legitimate need for balance for my own health (and let’s face it, the health of the people around me!), I still do things and attend things that I have little desire to do because I know it will make other people happy.  And not in that nice compromising, give and take kind of way, but in that, this is a burden to me and I’m feeling slightly resentful, but I don’t want to disappoint or let anyone down, kind of way.

2. You act like the people around you

  • It’s normal for other people to bring out different sides of your personality, but people pleasers often sabotage their goals.  People pleasers engage in self-destructive behavior if they think it will help others feel more comfortable. 

The example this article gave is that people pleasers will eat more when they think it will make other people happy.  I had to laugh.  I worked with an older man for many years.  He never married and never had kids.  He lived simply and didn’t have many expenses, so he would spend money on my coworkers and I.  He referred to us as his work wives and would buy us lunches or keep our desk drawers stocked with chocolate.  As lovely as it was and as much as I have a sweet tooth, I realized that many times I was eating out of guilt!  Guilt that the money he spent would go to waste.  He knew I was trying to be healthy and avoid sugar, so if he wanted to waste his money, that was his problem, not mine, right?  Why was I eating and hating my thighs, for his wallet’s sake?

What else was I doing in my life for other people and not for myself?

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

There are really only two ways to make a change.  Either you decide to make one, or someone else decides to make one, which changes things for you without your consent.  The majority of changes in my life were due to the latter or circumstances outside of my control.

The only reason I switched schools after junior high was because the one I went to didn’t go past grade 9.  The only reason I left my first three jobs was because the first one went out of business, the second one the owner sold and the new owner laid me off to bring in their personnel and the third one?  At a Christmas party two weeks after I started, the lady I was replacing got drunk and emotional and decided she wanted to stay and they could only keep one of us!  I only went to school for Business Admin because someone offered to pay for it and I’ve only ever broke up with a few guys because it’s almost always been the guys who did the dumping.  (Actually, the ghosting.)

I’m a settler (a whole other blog for a different day), so for me, a forceful push has been necessary.  If Kmart hadn’t gone out of business, I might still be there!  I can count on one hand the number of changes that were my decision.  I can count on two fingers actually.  It’s two.  I’ve only made two truly life altering decisions.

The Best Friend

I think I’ve actually held myself back in life for the sake of others.  Compound my fear of change with the little bit of people pleaser in me and you get a girl who’s made a lot of decisions with other people’s feelings in mind, rather than my own.  I never wanted to rock the boat.  (See, it is peace keeping in a way!)  Some seasons of my life were going well and yet I felt a pull to make a change, but I didn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable in the process or be the catalyst that would affect everything around me.  You know, like how when one person decides to diet, everyone suffers.  Similar concept.  So instead I took a backseat to my own life thinking there’d be other passengers riding comfortably with me, only I ended up alone, watching everyone else in the driver’s seat of their lives, passing me by.  I have my license, why aren’t I driving?

leading-lady

Sorry, Not Sorry

The midlife crisis I might be having could be just the forceful push I need this year.  In the words of Andy Dufresne: it comes down to a simple choice – get busy living or get busy dying.  There are times in life when we need to dig our heels in and stick things out, but there are times when we are so stuck that we need to swap out the heels for a pair of sneakers and get moving!  (Also, is the saying referring to heels – anatomy or heels – clothing?  Whatever, I went with clothing and it’s too late now.)

I’m technically half dead, or if you’re an optimist, I suppose I’m half alive!  Either way, there’s no more time to waste.  If I want to have a different response to “what’s new?” in another 19 years, then I need to be a little more selfish!  Trying not to hurt people has been hurting me, so in true Canadian fashion, let me apologize.  I’m sorry that I might have to consider my own feelings herein.  I’m sorry that I might disappoint you or make you uncomfortable and I’m sorry that my changes might affect your life, eh.

You Shut Your Dirty Mouth

/ Roxie / 2 Comments

Here’s the situation: The truth might set you free, but being truthful has gotten out of control

(I think) I’m a pretty laid back person, but one thing I’ve learned about myself is that really minor things irritate me and can get me hopping mad in an instant.  I’m not going to yell, get physical or make a scene, but I will inwardly seethe.  And as instantly as I get mad, I get over it just as quick.  Well, maybe give me 10 minutes, but then I’ve moved on.

I usually get mad over really stupid things too; inefficiency, inconvenience, being let down by someone or mindless mistakes I’ve made, like misplacing something that I know I had the day before.  Some days I can be a little more irritable than others (shocking, right?!) and on those days, things that the average person is oblivious to, really grate on my nerves.  My laser focus can amplify irritants to the point that white hot rage takes over as I start to form irrational thoughts about what I would like to do in that instant!  This got me to thinking – what would I be like if I moved on every impulse and my actions had no consequences?

My Dark Passenger

Ever heard of misophonia?

Misophonia – a disorder in which certain sounds trigger emotional or physiological responses that some might perceive as unreasonable given the circumstance.  Individuals with misophonia often report they are triggered by oral sounds – the noise someone makes when they eat, breathe or even chew.  Other adverse sounds include keyboard or finger tapping.  Sometimes a small repetitive motion is the cause – someone fidgets, jostles you or wiggles their foot.  A mild case might make you feel anxious, uncomfortable, the need to flee or disgust.  A more severe response is rage, anger, hatred, panic, fear and emotional distress.

Yeah. ↑ That.

When people continuously sniffle without ever blowing their nose.  When people’s noses whistle.  When people chew and you can hear the food mixing with their saliva and sloshing around in their mouth or when they audibly gulp when taking a drink.  People who constantly clear their throats, tap their feet, shake their legs.  Oh what sweet bliss it would be if I could grab them, shake them and yell at them to stop or to go blow their freaking nose!

aunt-irma

I may or may not have a touch of road rage too, so sometimes I fantasize about ramming into the back of someone’s car or approaching a bad driver at a red light and giving them a piece of my mind!  I would feel so vindicated!  Momentarily at least.  Until I realized how childish that outburst was.

I know, my thoughts aren’t healthy and thankfully I’m mature enough to check myself before I wreck myself, but can you imagine if everyone just said everything that came to mind and acted on every emotional whim?  Our world would be a hot mess!  …oh wait…

Look at This Photograph

I love Instagram.  Of all the socials, it’s the one I enjoy the most.  Back in the day, before phones had cameras and before cameras were digital, there was the camera with 35mm film.  A roll of film gave you 24 opportunities to capture 24 moments and you had no idea if they were going to be good or not.  It was a real gamble my friends!  If you were lucky to have a pricier camera, it would automatically rewind the film when it ran out!  Then you had to drive that film to a store and wait to have it developed.  An hour or so later when you had your printed photos in hand, you had to put them somewhere, so you bought photo albums to store them in.  I have hundreds of photos and dozens of photo albums.  They are inconvenient, cumbersome and take up a lot of room, but they are so much fun to look through!  It’s no wonder I love an app that is like a digital photo album!

Like those printed albums, I love to go back and look through my Instagram grid to reminisce.  So many fun memories.  I like to scroll through the feed and see your photos too and sometimes I watch stories but rarely, if ever, will you find me commenting on someone’s photo that I don’t know; like a celebrity for instance.  (Or a “celebrity”.  You know, the verified people but you still have no clue who they are).  It surprises me how many people do comment though.  Social media has made everyone so accessible that we feel one of two ways about strangers.  Either we think they’re our friends because we know so much about their lives, or we think we’re so far removed that we can say what we want and it won’t matter.  Sometimes I read the hateful comments people post and think – who says this?  But like actually, WHO. SAYS. THIS?!  Back in my day, a troll was an ugly man who lived under a bridge.  Today’s definition is someone who deliberately makes a comment to evoke a reaction.  Do people really have nothing better to do with their time than be a troll?  You need a hobby!

Honesty Ain’t All It’s Cracked Up to Be

Have you ever had someone be so honest with you that you thought – well, that was rude!  My weight usually fluctuates every couple years and I’ve run into some very honest people who’ve straight up told me on first sight “well, you’ve gained weight”.  I’m single and I’ve been told to “get on it” because I’m “getting on in the years”.  I’ve had boyfriends who felt the need to point out a day when my mascara was chunky or ask me why I don’t dress or act more like [that girl].  Honesty is not always the best policy!  You don’t need to voice your opinion all the time, unless you’ve specifically been asked for it!

I’ve heard it said before “I just have to say”, followed up with something that was actually completely unnecessary to say.  You don’t “just have to say” anything!  You might feel you need to get it off your chest to make yourself feel better, but is what you’re about to say going to be helpful or hurtful to the person hearing it?  Forcing your words on someone is like pulling the pin of a grenade and tossing it in their lap.  What are they supposed to do with this unsolicited information?  Do you care enough to stick around and help clean up the mess or are you going to run before the bomb explodes because it’s not your problem anymore?

The Truth, the Truth, the Truth is on Fiyah

pineapple

Follow your bliss.  Not all those who wander are lost.  Live, laugh, love.  *barf*  I hate these trendy sayings and my least favorite thing to hear right now would have to be “live your truth”.  Errybody out here tryna live their truth!  What is your “truth” exactly?  Is it the stripped down, truest form of yourself?  Because my “truth” is that I’m over-observant and judgy.  If unleashed, I have a sharp tongue that could cut deep and this sweet little brain has the capacity to form some pretty awful thoughts.  I understand the saying in a sense of being an individual and not being fake to impress others, but I feel like it’s been misconstrued.  Are we actually just excusing poor behavior as “living your truth”?  It’s part of the entitlement mindset that we all have (let’s quit blaming it all on the millennials).  We don’t want to change.  If we’re a lot to handle, we think everyone else needs to deal with it, rather than taking a look inside and dealing with ourselves.  After all, we can’t help how we are, we were “born this way”, right?  It’s time to grow up!

Do you remember the saying if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all?  Why don’t we follow that anymore?  Our words matter.  The bible says that the power of life and death are in the tongue and that the only words that come out of our mouths should be helpful for building each other up.  If you don’t want to be all Christiany about it, think about the last time someone complimented you.  Did that make your spirit come alive or did you leave feeling depressed?

If you don’t have something nice to say, then literally don’t say anything!  Bite your tongue.  Take a second and think before you speak or type or text.  And if you have time to type or text, you have even longer to think about it before you press send.  Maybe just hit that backspace key a few times.  Be kind!

Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. – James 1:19

Aw snap.  Convicted!

Triggered

/ Roxie / 2 Comments

Here’s the situation: I think I have PTSD from years of dating

I don’t do breakups well and they seem to be harder to handle the older I get.  I feel like they should get easier over time as you become more comfortable in who you are and are ok with not everyone liking you, but at the root, they’re still rejection.  It’s a reminder that someone who was once intrigued by you, got to know the real you and didn’t like it.  So much so, that they didn’t want you in their life anymore.

My last (official) breakup was awful.  I cried every day for about 6 months and every other day for about 6 more.  It wasn’t so much the guy that I was devastated over, but being back at square one and having to do this/find this/risk this/attempt this another time, in hopes that maybe it’ll finally work out.  I’m long over that guy, but the thought of ever feeling that kind of heartbreak again, TERRIFIES me!

Can I confess?  I hate first dates by now and I actually think they give me anxiety.  Unfortunately, they are a necessary step in getting to my desired end result.  “Go online”, people say.  “It’ll be so fun”, people say.  Of course, the people saying this have been married for years and have no idea what it’s like to date in 2019!  I’ve heard the online success stories, but more often than not, I hear the stories of how dating became like a part-time job and took 25 bad dates before 1 decent one.  Or about people agreeing to a date and then being told “I’m not looking for anything serious.”  What are you doing online then?!  If you’re just looking to get laid, there’s this thing called alcohol which you can buy at any bar and you’ll probably find someone to hook up with while you’re there too!  2 birds, 1 stone.  Or stick to sites like Tinder and Plenty of Fish where you belong!  I think it’s great if you’ve had success online, but for me, it’s super uncomfortable.  All those dreaded first dates in hopes of weeding out 1 winner.  I just don’t know if I have it in me anymore.  It’s exhausting and discouraging and I am getting too old for the stupid games people play! (Plus, I’ve listened to too many true crime podcasts and there seems to be a lot of weirdo’s out there without any accountability!)

Son of a Beach

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.  I am addicted to The Bachelor franchise.  I don’t even know why lately, since all it seems to do is frustrate me and yet, I can’t stop.  Right now it’s Bachelor in Paradise (BIP) season.  Admittedly, it’s a horrible concept.  A bunch of singles hanging at a secluded resort, looking for love.  Each week an additional 2 to 3 guys or girls arrive to offset the numbers of the opposite sex and if you’re one of the men or women who don’t make a connection in order to get a rose, it’s too bad, so sad, goodbye.  Even though you might have made a strong connection with someone, the general consensus seems to be “keep your options open”.  Nobody wants to lock in too early into their time in paradise, because in the next day or two, someone better might arrive.  I’ve been asked how I can watch this trashy reality show, but this horrible concept and the idea of keeping your options open is literally dating in 2019; these people just happen to be televised.  As someone who’s been dumped numerous times for someone “better”, it triggers me!

flip-table

It’s Too Much

There are two reasons I love The Notebook; James Marsden and Ryan Gosling.  Ok, but actually, it’s a really great movie.  I saw it in the theatre with my cousin and towards the end, the lady behind us was a blubbering mess and kept whispering “it’s too much, it’s too much.”  By the time the old couple died (spoiler alert), we were so focused on trying not to giggle, we didn’t have time to be emotional!

It’s a romantic notion, isn’t it?  A couple who love each other so much, they literally can’t live without each other.  A man who legitimately loves his wife, for better and for worse.  Let’s take this romance outside of the movies.  Don’t we gush anytime we see an older couple who hold hands and are still in love? “Awwww, I want that!”  I think it’s human nature to dream of that kind of forever love.  Unfortunately, the way culture is moving, I don’t know that we’ll be seeing too much of that in the future.

“I wrote you 365 letters.  I wrote you every day for a year.”

– Noah Calhoun, The Notebook

The Cheesecake Cafe Theory

(If you’re American, we can call it The Cheesecake Factory Theory)

You know those restaurants with menus the size of a novel (not to name names)?  I find it really difficult to decide what I want to order when I have so many options.  I have to make a pros and cons list, consult my magic eight ball, say a prayer, narrow it down by process of elimination and then eenie meenie the top 2.  I believe this same difficulty in decision making applies to our dating lives with the introduction of online dating and apps!  When we’re given too many choices, we end up in our heads, overthinking and second guessing.

I’m pretty sure nobody gets married with the intent of later getting divorced.  We all want our Notebook love story and we celebrate milestone wedding anniversaries, but have you ever considered how and why these older couples have lasted so long?  First of all, commitment and work.  A lot more work than it seems people want to exert these days.  It’s much harder to write 365 letters than to send a “you up?” text.  Second, let’s go back 40 or 50 years to when these couples probably first met.  (Heck, this scenario might even apply 15 to 20 years ago!)  Before we did everything on a screen, we had to physically go outside to meet people.  Our worlds were smaller and all you had to choose from was what was within your reach.  Classmates, friends, friends of friends, coworkers, people you encountered in person…that was really all there was.  When you found someone you liked, you ‘went steady’ and you didn’t keep your options open in case something better came along.  As far as you knew, you were already dating the best you could find!

You can argue that technology has made dating easier, but I disagree.  Technology has made meeting people easier, but commitment harder!  What if we commit to one person, but then we meet someone else who seems to be a better fit?  Ever heard of the 80/20 rule?  In a healthy relationship, couples will have about 80% of what they want in their partner.  Unfortunately, some people leave their partner in search of the missing 20%.  I’m no mathematician, but when you leave 80 for 20, you’re gaining less than what you started with.  If you look for 20%, you’re guaranteed to find it since there will always be someone who meets a different need in your life, but in time, you’ll probably have to chase after another 20%.  And then another 20, and then another 20…

That Is So Last Year

I know my ideas of dating don’t fit in to today’s culture.  Especially as a Christian trying to date.  Perhaps I’m too old fashioned for 2019!  I think that when you’re exploring a new relationship with someone, out of respect for them, they should be the only one that you pursue.  Don’t dabble a little bit here, a little bit there and muddy the waters.  Maybe it’ll only last 1 date, maybe 1 month, but when you only have 1 choice on the menu, you have an easy decision to make: take it or leave it!  If you decide to ‘take it’, the foundation of that relationship will likely be stronger because you did only have that one person there from the start.  And don’t let the ‘what if’ notion of a better fit come in and steal your 80%!  Remember, the grass is always greener where it’s watered.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m headed to the drive-in for a malted before I go to the sock hop.