In Your Eyes

August 3, 2019 / Roxie / 2 Comments

Here’s the situation: Sometimes I think it would be helpful, even for just a day, to see ourselves through someone else’s eyes; how we make our first impressions, what we look like to them…just if we could see how they view us (and then maybe believe what they see).

You Know What They Say About Assuming

I’m shy. I’ve always been shy. Not that weird, uncomfortable, socially awkward kind of shy where I don’t know how to hold a conversation, but the kind where new people intimidate me. It’s unlikely you’ll find me walking into a room of strangers and making my presence known. Approach me first though and it’s a whole other ball game! It’s because of this initial shyness that I’ve been told numerous times after someone’s got to know me “I thought you were going to be a b**** when I first met you, but you’re actually really nice!”

When I’m around new people or strangers, I usually assume* one of two things; they are either indifferent to me or they don’t like me/won’t like me. I realize how warped that mindset is, but I also feel like it would be arrogant of me to assume people are automatically going to like me. Because of the assumptions I make, sometimes I don’t even bother to glance up from what I’m doing or where I’m going to look around and notice people noticing me. Maybe this has been to my disadvantage over the years?

I had a girl tell me once “there are certain people I hang out with that draw more attention our way when I’m with them. You are one of those people.” My mom has had to point out when a guy was checking me out, which is just uncomfortable and one of my favorite, laughable moments was when a friend, without even seeing the expression on my face, said “you should really smile when a guy looks at you like that!” She knew me well enough to know I wouldn’t be paying attention and would probably be sporting my RBF! (Don’t know what that is? Google it.)

* makes an ass out of u and me

Who Is That Girl I See?

Have you ever met someone (male or female) and thought they were beautiful, confident and have nothing to be self conscious about? As you got to know them, I’m sure you found out they are human and have insecurities, just like the rest of us! It always surprises me though, just what people are insecure about. It’s usually something you would never guess.

I have friends that I didn’t realize were self conscious of different body parts so they always wear a certain style of clothing to disguise them. I know someone who wears their hair a specific way to hide a birthmark and someone who trims their facial hair in order to sculpt their jawline and I’ve had friends who have hated their laughs, even though their laughs were infectious. What is it that you are self conscious of and what do you do to hide it?

I can recognize when I’m having a good hair or make up day and I can tell when an outfit looks cute or is more flattering, but more often than not, I focus on the flaws. Nobody is better at picking us apart than us. I guess it’s a side effect from spending 24/7 with ourselves, giving us ample time to inspect and magnify what we don’t like. I see the increased circumference of my thighs, the back fat that has made a home above and below my bra and did you know your armpits can get chubby?! Middle age spread people, it’s real and it’s here! Yet with all the things that I’m ashamed have happened to my body, I still receive compliments that I look great or I look fit.

I’m 5’9″ (ok fine, 5’8.5″) and the majority of my friends are 5’4″ and under, so I tower over them which makes me feel like an unfeminine ogre. They are petite and compact and get told how cute they are. A couple friends and I were discussing this one evening. “I never get told I’m cute”, I lamented, “I only ever get told I’m gorgeous or sexy or hot”. That did not evoke a lot of pity, as these are things they have never heard because they’re too cute to be sexy. And most of the time people are wishing they were taller, yet I’m wishing I was shorter so I can blend in better.

You might be surprised to hear that with all the things you are insecure about, there are people who think you are beautiful, confident and have nothing to be self conscious about.

Hamilton. Not the Award Winning Broadway Musical. The Other One – Tad Hamilton.

The early 2000s were big rom-com years for me. Attribute that to living with one of my best friends and Blockbuster Video (RIP). You could always tell I loved a movie if I bought the DVD when it made it into a ‘previously viewed’ bin. Win a Date With Tad Hamilton is one of those DVDs! Here’s the synopsis: tad

Tad Hamilton (Josh Duhamel) is a Hollywood actor, losing movie roles because of his bad boy reputation. In order to generate a little positive PR and remind people he’s the boy next door, his agent and manager decide to run a contest for charity – Win a Date With Tad Hamilton. Rosalee (Kate Bosworth), a sweet, small town girl and big fan of Tad, donates money to enter the contest and wins. After the date, Tad decides he needs to reset his priorities and needs someone like her and her wholesome influence to rub off on him, so he flies to her small town to spend time with her and ends up falling for her. Meanwhile Rosalee’s best friend Pete (Topher Grace) has secretly been in love with her for years and was planning to tell her before he left for college, but Tad’s presence and interest in Rosalee has put a wrench in that plan.

This brings us to the scene, with the line…

Pete is having a drink and spilling his heart out to their local bartender, Angelica. She tells him he’s got to win Rosalee back and he scoffs that he doesn’t stand a chance – he’s up against Tad Hamilton. Angelica, who has not-so-secretly been in love with Pete for years, says to him:

“You are Tad Hamilton. Don’t you see? Everybody’s Tad Hamilton to somebody. Rosalee’s Tad Hamilton to you and you’re Tad Hamilton to me.”

It might be a cheesy line from a cheesy movie, but isn’t that the truth?!

Ain’t No Thang

We talked about the obvious, physical qualities that people can see, but what about the internal ones people see in you that you don’t see in yourself? Strength, courage, stability, etc.

Recently I was having a really bad day. Maybe a bad couple days. I was super unhappy about life and how little I feel I’ve accomplished thus far and how it seems like nothing ever changes and how nothing is ever going to change! I was texting with my own version of Angelica and she tossed this into the ring: “Maybe big things in your life haven’t changed, but you own your own apartment and that’s huge!” Hmmm, I suppose that’s kind of true. I usually look at that and think nothing of it; it’s just what people do. What about the other big things over the years? The fact that I was engaged, 5 months from my wedding date and broke it off? People used to tell me all the time how strong I was for doing that, but it’s just another thing I brushed off. It wasn’t that big of a deal, was it? What about getting out of debt? What about going on trips? I suppose some things have changed.

Why is it so easy to see great things in other people, but difficult to recognize them in ourselves? Sometimes it takes that outsiders perspective (or a metaphorical Batman slap) to make you take another look at your ‘meh’ moments and snap out of it!

batman-slap

Full Circle Tad Hamilton

Here’s your takeaway. Always remember – everybody’s Tad Hamilton to somebody. The body that you have and complain about, is somebody else’s fitness goal. The job that you have and want to leave, is somebody else’s dream career. The spouse that you find disposable, somebody else has been praying for. You might very well be living someone else’s ideal life, so change your perspective, be grateful and make sure to steward what you have well! (Yes, I need to take my own advice! Will I? Meh…)

They’ll Never Break My Heart

July 20, 2019March 7, 2020 / Roxie / 1 Comment

Here’s the situation: I ♥ the Backstreet Boys!

Surprised, right? Obviously not – not if you know me! With my 11th Backstreet Boys concert around the corner, I’m here to set the record straight as to why I (still) love them! People assume I have some schoolgirl crush and it might have started that way, but all these years later, it’s so much more!

Smell Ya Later

If you’re not familiar with the 2001 movie, Someone Like You, starring Hugh Jackman and Ashley Judd, you are missing out on a piece of rom-com history. It would take me too long to recap, but in one scene, a heartbroken Ashley Judd (AJ) goes to a doctor and asks to have her amygdala removed. Here’s how the scene plays out:

AJ: I want my erotic nose brain removed.

Doc: I beg your pardon?

AJ: My amygdala. The organ deep inside the nasal cavity, which processes scent, which then connects to memory. I’d like it extracted.

Doc: But why would you want to voluntarily make yourself anosmatic?

AJ: Well, let me see if I can explain this. Um, I had this boyfriend ok? And he smelled really really good; like soap and fresh laundry and vanilla. And anytime I smell any of those smells, I’m reminded of my boyfriend and how happy we were before he dumped me for no good reason and I get very sad and then I get angry and then before I know it, I am in the throes of an all out emotional breakdown and so I was just thinking Doctor Glen, if I could just short circuit my nose somehow, I might actually have a chance at living a semi normal life someday.

Aaaaand, scene.

I can identify with this in so many ways. There are smells, tastes and songs that take me back to exact situations and I get all the feels. I’m very nostalgic. The memories bring me joy, reminiscing on how much fun I had, but also sadness, reminiscing how the fun has passed. Does anyone else experience this so intensely?

joy-sadness5

Set Adrift on Memory Bliss

It’s a bit odd, but I kind of like the smell of cigarettes on a summers day because it reminds me of patios and backyard parties. Or when I walk through a Vegas hotel and inhale the stale casino smoke, along with whatever scent they’re ventilating to try and cover it up – something about it is comforting, in a twisted sort of way. And I know I’m not the only girl who enjoys a kiss from a guy who tastes like beer. (Separate tip for the guys (not like you’re reading a blog about the Backstreet Boys): wear cologne. Our erotic nose brains will thank you and trust me, it’ll help your cause tenfold!)

When I hear Music Sounds Better With You by Stardust, I’m whisked away to a cold night in 1998 when my friends and I put on our chunkiest boots and went clubbing. I fell in love to DJ Sammy’s dance remake of Heaven by Bryan Adams. Eminem’s The Marshall Mathers LP was the soundtrack of a summer in 2000, while the entire HouseMix 2 album reminds me of my first roommate and ALL the times we had and let me tell you, we had some times!

All this nostalgia – this is what the Backstreet Boys do for me.

Dopamine

When I was 10 years old, I was introduced to a substance that would change my life forever. Boy bands. And New Kids on the Block were my gateway drug. We had family visiting from out of town and their daughter brought along the Hangin’ Tough cassette. Mind. Blown. What were these catchy tunes my ears were hearing? This was no Amy Grant, Michael W. Smith or Carman. This was music made for me and not my parents! I was having my first aural-gasm and I wanted more!

Calm down people.

Aural – relating to the ear or the sense of hearing

Gasm – a suffix used to describe an intensely pleasurable experience

Chasing the Dragon

This addiction affected my life in the following ways: NKOTB cassettes and pins and trading cards and VHS tapes and a room covered in posters. And then tragically, pop music and 5-member boy bands went away to make room for grunge, until…the Backstreet Boys.

A photo of some of our actual TV photos!

My cousin and I have loved the Backstreet Boys since 1996. By ’97 when they released their 2nd album (in Canada), Backstreet’s Back, we couldn’t get enough. We played the crap out of those 2 albums! We each owned their 3 VHS tapes and watched them relentlessly. Her and I grew up an hour apart, so we would plan weekends to visit each other where all we would do was watch the videos, start to finish, on repeat. We could recite the lines to you and probably still can! We sat and pressed pause on the videos until the freeze frame was nearly perfect without any of those pause-lines (90s kids will understand) and when we had it just right, we took pictures of the TV! AND THEN WE GOT THEM DEVELOPED! If anyone under the age of 30 is reading this, you are wondering what sort of harrowing childhood I lived through. Let me tell you, the struggle was real! No internet, no smart phones, no instantly seeing your photos, no access to the lives of stars without purchasing a copy of Big Bopper magazine. No DVDs even, and even DVDs are outdated now!

In spite of the lack of technology, everything was so simple!…minus getting those good TV photos. I had my little group of friends, I had my silly part time job and I was ugly, so I didn’t have any boy drama. What I did have, was the Backstreet Boys.

I’ll Go Anywhere For You

The popularity of boy bands died down again in the early 2000s, so by the time the Never Gone album came out and they toured in 2005, we managed to get 5th row on the floor concert tickets. The first time we saw them in concert (1998 Backstreet’s Back tour) we were so far away they looked like grains of rice, so to say we were excited to have 5th row seats would be an understatement. I remember we stood in amazement at how close we were and when they sang Siberia, “snow” fell from the ceiling. We probably looked like children staring up into the sky, seeing actual snow for the first time! From that moment on, we vowed we would never NOT go to a concert and never NOT have amazing seats again.

In 2008 we had 13th row seats for the Unbreakable tour and 10th row seats in 2010 for the This Is Us tour.

Just when I thought it couldn’t get better, Backstreet Boys (minus Kevin *tear*) joined forces with New Kids on the Block in 2011 to create the supergroup of my dreams: NKOTBSB and released the song Don’t Turn Out the Lights. When they announced only 5 U.S. concert dates, my cousin and I, on a whim, looked at ticket options and found 2nd row on the floor in Los Angeles. I think we both blacked out, because all of a sudden we had purchased tickets and were planning a trip to LA! (Of course, they later expanded the tour dates and did come to our city…so naturally we went to that concert too!)

ron-burgundy

That trip ruined us. We’d come too far and we couldn’t regress! In 2013 we found FRONT ROW CENTRE tickets in Vegas for the In a World Like This tour; an opportunity that definitely would NOT be missed! In 2017 we traveled back to Vegas for their Larger Than Life residency at Planet Hollywood and again in 2018 where this time we had front row seats at a VIP table. Twenty years after seeing them for the first time where we couldn’t make out their features, we were face to face with the Backstreet Boys and touched all 5 of their hands. I haven’t washed my hands since.

Memories Light the Corners of My Mind

You see, my love runs deeper than any crush. It’s the catchy ballads and melodic harmonies and all the feelings that coincide with them. You may have your wedding day or the birth of your children, but many of my happiest life moments are intertwined with the Backstreet Boys. When I hear their songs, I have a solid 23 years to reflect on! It takes me back to the days of innocence. It takes me back to singing every note and squealing with glee at every concert and now it takes me back to vacation memories.

While in LA we got to tour the Los Angeles Dream Center, the original location of an organization I’ve been involved with for 11 years. We discovered Isabella’s Cookie Company and we ate, all the cookies! We drove from downtown LA, to Santa Monica to Newport Beach and somewhere along the PCH we found a hip hop radio station playing Nikki Minaj, which spurred our idea of her being the voice of a GPS. “In 200 meters turn left left left left”. (Can I get salt all around that rim rim rim rim.)

The Vegas trips make me smile when I think about our first time experiencing the 50ºC heat and spending an entire day inside watching a Naked & Afraid marathon to avoid it! Or the time I ordered a coffee and the barista called out ‘Roxanne’ and I looked around asking other girls if they were Roxanne, when one finally asked me “are you Roxanne?”. Well, yes, but… We laughed so hard – what kind of moron doesn’t know her own name?! (Like I mentioned in my last blog, I never go by that and I told the barista Roxie!) Then there was the trip when 4 of us ordered a Birthday Girl martini to try. It wasn’t until after we got our bill we realized the waiter had brought us the Birthday Girl shot, not the martini. It seemed a bit small, but what did we know; we didn’t work there! Our waiter must’ve thought we were crazy, watching 4 girls taking micro sips of ONE shot over the course of our dinner! (In our defense, it did not come in a typical shot glass.)

I (Still) Want It That Way

Did my cousin throw me a Backstreet Boys themed birthday when I turned 35? Yes. Was I too old for that? Yes. Did I love every second of it? YES! Have I watched their documentary Show ‘Em What You’re Made Of more than once? Yes. And now, they’ve just released their 9th album, DNA! Not gonna lie – when I heard Don’t Go Breaking My Heart for the first time, I cried. I was so overcome with joy and memories that my ducts couldn’t contain what was happening internally so they spilled forth!

You may think I’m ridiculous. I’m ok with that, but I bet anytime you hear a Backstreet Boys song you sing along and get a smile on your face too. It just can’t be helped! Sometimes the weight of life gets too heavy and we need these little pleasures to lighten up! That’s why when I die, I want the Backstreet Boys played at my funeral, but I refuse to die before I finally get a meet and greet!

Dear Brian, Kevin, Nick, Howie and AJ,

Please keep touring forever!

Your fan,

Roxie

P.S. See you on Wednesday! #boybandsforlife

Dreams in My Heart & Ants in My Pants

July 13, 2019July 23, 2019 / Roxie / Leave a comment

Here’s the situation: When I was a kid, I wanted to work at Kmart when I grew up. Yes, that’s right – I had lofty goals, and guess what? I achieved them. I worked at Kmart for a year and a half after high school. So what’s left when your dreams come true at such an early age?

Do you ever wonder what the meaning of life is? I’m not someone’s wife. I’m not raising kids. My friendships seem to have dwindled as lives have filled up with spouses and children. Why am I here? I work 40 hours a week, hit the gym to stay sane and come home to an empty house …day after day after day… It just doesn’t seem that important or like I have purpose, so is this it? Was I really created for this small little life?!

dtbjh3

Make Yourself Comfortable

I’ve always loved a good comfort zone. It’s so comfortable! You know what to expect, there’s no surprises; it’s consistent. It’s controllable. After years of learning my lessons the hard way, I want safety and security. I’m more inclined to live in mediocrity, than to risk changing things for fear of them getting worse, even though I know the flip side is the possibility of things getting so much better! Half of me is content in this rut, but the other half of me is internally clawing at the walls, crying out how bored she is!!!

Dream Weaver

I’m a day dreamer. Maybe it’s because I’m an only child and had to develop an imagination or maybe it’s because I grew up on Disney and romanticized what life should be. Whichever it is, I’m all too good at dreaming up a scenario in my mind and playing it out to the bitter end. This sort of creativity can be annoying because, of course, my dreams are amazing and they make real life disappointing and at times, unbearable.

A few years back, I’d had enough of my dream world getting my real world hopes up. The story always ended the same way, so in order to preserve my heart, I had to shut all systems down and suppress any feelings. There would be NO. MORE. DREAMING! But when you have no dreams, you really have no purpose, leaving you in a worse state than when you started. My dreams might be delusional, but at least they give me something to hope for/strive for.

Dream Weaver 2.0

About a year ago, a dream found it’s way back to the surface. Only this time it felt more like I was given an actual vision of my future. The problem? It is ridiculously far fetched! Short of a bunch of miracles and open doors, I’m not sure how it could ever come to pass. What’s even weirder though? I didn’t let that stop my skeptical heart from believing for it, more than I’ve believed for anything before! Without knowing how to make things happen on my own, I made some changes in my life, so that just in case doors opened, I’d be ready to walk through. I didn’t expect miracles over night, but still nothing has happened and any doors that were ajar have slammed shut.

Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning.

– Gloria Steinem

The Middle

I have a hard time being present focused. Looking back is filled with lessons, looking forward is filled with wonder (and a little fear), but looking here and now? Ugh! I’m not content here and now, so I obsess over what’s next and I want to get there as fast as I can before I’m too old to enjoy it! I can generally settle my spirit by reminding myself to trust God and His timing. Things will work out in just the right time and in just the right way, but in my human nature and the moments in the middle I’m thinking “God! What’s the freakin’ hold up? Don’t you see things are passing me by? We’re going to miss opportunities!”

This dissatisfaction with the present is why I try to keep myself busy with distractions, like the gym, Netflix or maybe even this blog and why I need to have something to look forward to while I wait. When I have something on the calendar tomorrow, on the weekend or even a few months down the road, I can make it through today and tomorrow and a few months down the road. With nothing in sight, I get depressed and everything feels meaningless. (Take note friends: I’ve just given you insight as to why I like to make plans in advance and why being cancelled on is so frustrating!)

Could You Say ‘Dream’ Any More Times?*

If you’ve been a Christian for any length of time, you’re no doubt familiar with Ephesians 3:20 which states that God will do exceedingly, abundantly more than we ask or think. I’ve even mentioned it in a previous blog. I’m sure you’ve also heard Christianese sayings like “double for your trouble” and things of the sort. The messages are encouraging, but can they really be true? You’re not in my brain, so you don’t know how specific or how grand the ideas can be, but how could what God has in mind possibly be bigger than what I ask or think? …because I’m asking a lot and thinking pretty big!

I have so many questions. Where do dreams come from? Are they something we’ve made up or do they come from God? Are dreams the same thing as the so-called “desires of my heart”, which God also claims to give me? And how do I trust what is me vs what is God? Do you suppose He places things on our hearts or gives us an idea or a vision of what the future could hold, in order to guide our decision making process along the way? And once we have a sense of something, could we ever really be content with less? What if we reject something good enough, while waiting for “exceedingly abundantly more”, only to end up with nothing?

I suppose if my dream of working at Kmart came true, perhaps this dream could one day come true also?

My manager made my nametag before I could tell him I never go by Roxanne, so, for a year and a half, I went by Roxanne. This is the only time I’ve ever been called that.

PS – I’ll tell you what the dream is after it happens. If it happens.

* The word ‘dream’ was used a total of 17 instances in this blog.

The Pursuit of Perfection

June 8, 2019July 18, 2019 / Roxie / 3 Comments

Here’s the situation: I cried at the orthodontist office once. In front of him, the hygienists and the surrounding 12 year olds, all because my smile was not exactly how I would like it. Oh yeah, this was like a month ago…

shallow-hal-cuckoo

Inner Beauty, Schminner Beauty

I was a late bloomer. I’m talking, late. My awkward stage started around 4 years old and lasted well until I was 23. As a kid, we didn’t have a lot of money and my mom was crafty, so for years I wore homemade clothes, usually from fabrics found in the bargain bin (which are the ugliest fabrics they make!). I needed glasses starting in grade 2 and my mom doesn’t wear make up, so that was something I had to teach myself through trial and error, because there were no YouTube how-to videos when I was a teen – there was no internet! Boys were not interested in me in junior high or high school; they always wanted one of my pretty friends and I didn’t have my first kiss until I was 19 or my first official DTR boyfriend until I think, 23.

Through those awkward years I absorbed a lot of subconscious messages. The main one: the most important thing to guys is physical beauty. Some of the messages were less subconscious and more verbal. I had a crush on a guy and his best friend politely told me “I don’t think you have a chance, you’re not really his type.”, which we all know actually means, he’s not attracted to you. Another crush’s friend told me how the guy wouldn’t date me because “he only dates models.”

I was adamant for many years that “I shouldn’t need to conform to society’s standard of beauty and have long hair and contacts in order to be attractive“, but when I finally came out on the other side of the awkward stage and began attracting men, it was because I grew long hair and got contacts. Thus, confirming the message that physical beauty was the most important thing. Since my first taste of finally feeling/being attractive, I swore I would never go back and so began the quest to perfect myself.

Ages 17, 19, 21 & 24

You’re Not Ugly, Just Poor

You can change pretty much anything about yourself for the right amount of money and my motto is: if I can afford it, I’m doing it! And I have. It started with growing my hair and getting contacts and has been simple things like working out, being blonde, changing my make up, updating my wardrobe. Then it evolved. I had electrolysis to get rid of unwanted hair and microblading to give me wanted “hair” (what we women won’t do!). I got Invisalign a few years ago and did an additional 6 months of refinement trays last fall to try and get one tooth straighter. ONE TOOTH! In turn, it shifted my bite and in a few weeks I start another month+ of refinements to adjust that! I looked into laser eye surgery, which I’m not a candidate for unless I decide to go with an implantable contact lens and I even looked into rhinoplasty, but I can’t afford it…and if you’ve ever watched a surgery, it’s hor·ri·fy·ing!

Eyes on the “Prize”

An ex and I used to debate whether I would get done up for myself or to impress others. Here’s what you should know about me. I am not a natural beauty and I can only handle seeing my bare-faced reflection in the mirror for so long. 24 hours is plenty. Even if I have no reason to put make up on for a few days and I won’t be seeing anyone, around day 2, it’s going on, just so that I can feel attractive!

I’ve been reading a book my friend lent me and timely enough, the other night I came across a chapter about perfection and who we do it for.

It is deeply baked within our feminine history to be favored, as a woman, based on our look, status or dowry. Back in the day, if you were the more beautiful woman, you got the man. If your family had the riches, you got the man. If your family was in a higher echelon, you got the man. And the man was the prize; he provided for you, gave you children and made you “worthy”.

– Cara Alwill Leyba, Like She Owns the Place

I always want to look my best and when I look my best, I feel my best and when I feel my best, I’m my most confident self, so I will continue to defend that I get done up for myself. However…there’s also no denying an underlying incentive!

Hey There Delilah

I’d never considered just how deep the roots of those messages about physical beauty went until I found myself crying at the orthodontist over already perfect teeth. Then this week, I had to cut my hair. In all my years of bleached hair and hot irons, I’ve never experienced a “breakage cut” like the one I arrived to my stylist with. I knew I was going to have to cut off some decent length in order to make it even and it was a pretty big deal to me.

I’ve often joked that my hair is my only redeeming quality and while I know that’s not true, I feel like Samson; it gives me strength. It is my identity. I’m the girl with the long hair or the friend with the great hair. I’ve even been told by strangers that I’m #hairgoals. My hair gives me a little something to set me apart and it’s usually the first thing to turn a man’s head. I’ve actually never thought it was anything more than just my hair that’s attracted men, so I’ve always feared if I cut it, I will just be an average, overlooked girl. For me, cutting my hair symbolizes giving up. Letting myself go. Succumbing to being a spinster. Even worse, what if this breakage turns out to be age or hormones and I can’t grow it back anymore like I once could and I have to keep cutting it shorter and shorter and then I look like 19 year old me again? Gross! Where will my strength come from then?!

Welcome to the irrational panic of someone in pursuit of perfection.

Outer Beauty, Schmouter Beauty?

I now fully understand these women who get too much plastic surgery and end up looking like a cat. I’m sure that was never their original intention. They probably started out just like me; wanting to improve themselves, little by little. Then one day, it was one procedure too far. We can try all we want to perfect our flaws and even though the outside might be disguised, it’s obviously something much deeper and internal that needs the work. It’s a heart issue. So where you do draw the line and decide to be content? How do you go from feeling like maybe just one more tweak will help you achieve whatever your “prize” is, to loving yourself, just as you are?

“You can lift your eyelids, but it can’t lift that little cloud of pessimism that hovers over you.”

– Dr. Frasier Crane, Frasier, S1E18

I don’t think the drive to want to improve ourselves is entirely bad. When focused correctly, it’s that drive that helps us set (and keep) goals and encourages us to make changes that benefit the health of our lives; emotionally, financially, spiritually, etc. So maybe the next time we (or maybe it’s just me?) get lost in the downward spiral of perfection, we should consider that we are our own prize and the next tweak we might need to make is a heart transplant. If that’s not enough to convince you, then you can always tell yourself 3 little words from the same book I mentioned before: “Perfection is Bull****.”

Faith It ‘Til You Make It?

May 20, 2019 / Roxie / 1 Comment

Here’s the situation: Sometimes I wonder, is this ever going to happen for me? Does God really have a plan? And if He does, why does it suck along the way?

I’m Not Crying, My Eyes Are Just a Little Sweaty Today

I thought I was doing better than this. It’d been months since I last felt hopeless, yet there I was, Kleenex in hand, tears on face, attending a pity party. Something happened that day to ground me back in my reality. The reality that as much as I keep trying to be okay with the possibility I’ll be single forever, I’m not really that okay with it. Deep within me there is an ache to be fully known, fully loved and fully chosen. The reality is I’m no closer to getting married today than I was when I looked forward to it at 17. That is a long time to live with an unanswered prayer.

It’s always so discouraging to me when I look at other people’s lives and see how easy relationships seem to come for them. It’s like they walked out the front door, made eye contact with a stranger and that was it! I know people who have met their spouses at coffee shops, their jobs, through friends, at church or online. I know people my age on their second and third marriages (not the goal, but I’m just saying, they’re already getting married twice and I haven’t even been married once?!). I have a friend who went on vacation to another country, met a guy also on vacation from a complete other country and a few months later, he moved to Canada for her. What kind of real life rom-com nonsense is this?!

10.Things

(’10 Things I Hate About You’ reference. Not sorry about it.)

It’s Not You, It’s Me. Actually, It Is You.

“How come you’re still single?”. I’ve heard it 100x and wondered it 200. I’ve always assumed it was me and my flaws. My nose is too big, I’m too tall and nobody is ready for this jelly. Maybe I’m not as good of a conversationalist as I think? Maybe I’m actually really annoying? I’m sure some of my relational failures are my fault, but when I started to dig deeper, I started to think – no, this has way more to do with the guys than me!

I’d like to take you on a little journey to give you an idea of what I’ve been working with over the years. This should shed some light on the ‘how come you’re still single’ query. I’ve vastly shortened the list so these are just some examples of guys who I’ve either dated, were interested in me that I would not date (reasons obvious) or guys who my “friends” have tried to set me up with. I put the word friends in quotations, because with these attempted set-ups, I question if you even like me!

Allow my pain to be your pleasure:

there was the guy I was seeing and ended up seeing make out with another girl while we were at an event together
there was the guy I was seeing for a few months and then one day, he disappeared. Months later I found out he fled the province because he had a warrant out for his arrest
there was the guy I was seeing for a few months and then one day, he disappeared. Sound familiar? Yes, same guy as above! I gave it another go and he disappeared…AGAIN!
there was the guy living out of his car
there was the guy who found out his ex girlfriend was pregnant with his TWINS, who also happens to be the same guy who was living out of his car. Listing it separately was intentional for more impact
there was the guy who it turns out was married
there was the guy who it turns out was gay
there were the atheists (not a great match for a Christian girl)
there was the registered sex offender
there was the guy I met online who didn’t want to get involved with anyone because he was waiting for a heart transplant (Are you kidding me? The one decent online guy and he could die before we even meet?!)
then there were the majority of the guys who dumped me as soon as they found out I live like a Christian (being one was not the problem. Having the morals of one, was!)

When one of my best friends and I used to go out, she’d get hit on by the doctor, the pharmacist, the business owner or the investment banker. And me? Well, I’d get the guy who lived in his parents basement and had no car, so I’d have to pick him up for a date.

Sidenote: For years I’ve been told I’m too picky. I dated a guy LIVING. OUT. OF. HIS. CAR! And if NOT dating a gay man or a pedophile is too picky, then yes, I suppose you can fault me for being too picky!

Hindsight is 20/20

I love hindsight! It’s like the end of an M. Night Shyamalan movie; wrapped up in a way that finally makes sense! Hindsight gives me the satisfaction to know that everything worked out the way it should. I can look at that list above and understand why none of those relationships (or potentials) worked out. Heck, I can even be over the moon about it! But in all these years, there’s been plenty of opportunity for a good match to come my way. I leave the house and make eye contact with strangers. I go to coffee shops, work, church, the gym, on vacation; all of the places that are working for other people (so basically, anywhere), so why hasn’t that been my story? Is there a reason I’ve remained single this long? Does God actually have someone in mind for me or have I been given the “gift” of singleness and I should’ve kept the receipt to return it?

If I claim to be a Christian, who believes in God and believes the bible to be God’s word and God’s word to be true, then I should be able to trust this God of mine and the things He says. Things like how He knows the end from the beginning. How He’ll do exceedingly, abundantly more than we can ask or think and that He’ll give me the desires of my heart. I’ve seen God do actual miracles in the lives of people around me, so He’s clearly big enough to do for me what feels like will take a miracle! And if He claims to work all things together for my good (Romans 8:28), then I can look forward to looking back and getting my much needed hindsight, right?

Take it Away Vanessa Williams

I don’t understand God’s plan, I don’t like His timing and I really don’t like an uncertain future, but I can tell you one thing for certain; if I were to have found someone by now, I wouldn’t be writing this. I wouldn’t have started a blog. I might not be writing at all. I wouldn’t have had the last year to develop the big (and delusional) dreams I now have for my future. I’d probably be settled into a mundane, routine life and perfectly content. And though I live mundane and routine right now, it’s hardly appealing to me anymore! Maybe that was all part of the plan? Or maybe I’m the modern day Lazarus and God needs to show someone His glory through me? Maybe God has to save the best for last?

But when Jesus heard about it he said, “Lazarus’s sickness will not end in death. No, it happened for the glory of God so that the Son of God will receive glory from this.” – John 11:4 (NLT)

Here for the Right Reasons

May 11, 2019 / Roxie / Leave a comment

Here’s the situation: My name is Roxie and I’m a Bachaholic

The next season of The Bachelorette starts on Monday and it’s my favorite time of the year (outside of The Bachelor and Bachelor in Paradise)! This franchise is my guilty pleasure, but I don’t feel guilty about it at all! You can have your Game of Thrones and Real Housewives, give me Chris Harrison and roses any day! I’ve been a fan since it started in 2002 and 17 years later I wonder when I’ll grow out of it, but it hasn’t happened yet! In 23 seasons of The Bachelor and 14 seasons of The Bachelorette, I’ve only missed one. This means I’ve watched 36 out of 37 seasons, making me somewhat of an expert! (In case you’re also a super fan and wonder which one I missed, it was season 6, Byron Velvick (2004). He was 39 years old at the time of filming and I had zero interest in watching “some old man’s love story.” Fifteen years later, I’m fully aware of the humor in him “being old”.)

Bachelor Glossary for Beginners:

Lead – the 1 bachelor/bachelorette
Candidates – the 25 women/men there for the lead
Fantasy Suite – the overnight date where they can “forego their individual rooms and spend the night together as a couple” (no cameras)

In the early years of this show, you didn’t kiss every candidate and you certainly wouldn’t kiss anyone on night one! The fantasy suites were always taboo, but there was never really confirmation about whether people were having sex or not because that sort of thing was private. People actually went on the show to find love. In 2002 there were no smart phones or social media or the opportunity for a post-show career slinging products on Instagram. I don’t even think text messaging existed yet! It’s crazy to think how much has changed since then; the show, technology and the entire mentality behind dating!

Will You Accept This Hot Take?

In the more recent seasons I’ve seen a common story line play out: one candidate either hasn’t been in love or in a long term relationship before and the lead is genuinely concerned by these facts, so much so that they aren’t sure if they should keep this person around. It frustrates me every time! (Can we also keep in mind these candidates are usually in their early to mid 20s. How long term of a relationship do you expect them to have been in?!)

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told I should apply for the show. That would be a. train. wreck. I’m pretty sure I’ve aged out of qualification, but if I were to go on it, I suppose I would be one of the girls the lead was concerned about. We would go on our adventurous day date where we face our biggest fear and talk about how it’s a metaphor for love. Then we would dress up and head into the evening portion of our date. Sitting angled towards each other at a small table with a plate of cold food in front of us, the bachelor would look into my eyes and ask me if I’d been in love before.

In the entire span of my dating life (which is way longer than most since I’m still single…), my longest relationship is about a year and I’ve only said ‘I love you’ to 3 boyfriends. Looking back, I can tell you that I was probably in love with none of them and I was even engaged to one of them! Each new relationship comes with new feelings that you can’t help but compare, and when they get stronger than the last, you look back and wonder “what was I thinking?!”. No? Just me? Those exes who I “loved”? …one was the first guy who really showed me some kind of mutual reciprocated affection, so I “loved” him. One was a Christian and I wanted to marry a Christian, so I “loved” him. And one I was more in love with our story, than the guy himself. I’m pretty sure you can ask anyone if that’s love and they would shake their head at how ridiculous that is. So, back to my date with the bachelor. Have I been in love before? I suppose not. Does that really warrant me a red flag?

red.flags

I’ve dated red flags before (in fact, I think I’ve only dated red flags) and they were never that someone hadn’t been in love! They were more like someone was rude to strangers [douche alert], someone had a short temper [run girl run!], someone didn’t have any long-term friendships [they cut people out of their lives] or someone was looking for validation through me [that’s a heart issue]. I dunno, call me crazy, but those are things you might want to worry about! And does anybody else look at people who’ve had multiple serious relationships that haven’t worked out and wonder if they’re not unconsciously training themselves for a future divorce?

(Don’t) Follow Your Heart

I wonder why on the show it seems nobody flips the script and thinks about their “concerns” logically. Maybe these candidates haven’t dated long term or thrown around L-bombs because they don’t want to waste anyone’s time or they see the gravity in the word love? Perhaps they date with intention? Perhaps they use discernment? Has common sense has become so uncommon and following our hearts and feelings become so popular that we’ve confused green lights for red flags? I think its time we start to date a little more old fashioned again, with a little more purpose, but what do I know? The only thing I’m an expert at is The Bachelor/ette/in Paradise.

Now take a moment and say your goodbyes.

Fun fact: I did apply for a reality tv dating show in my early 20s and got a call back that I made it into the top 25 women! I can’t be certain, but I’m pretty sure only 26 applied.

Accountability Ink

April 27, 2019July 22, 2019 / Roxie / 1 Comment

Here’s the situation: I’ve always been afraid of people finding out I’m a Christian

If you read my ‘Rants’ blog, you might remember the one where I touched on the topic of never feeling like I was enough. Not pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, blah, blah, blah; just not enough of whatever it was I thought people required of me to accept me. Over the years my fears were confirmed by being rejected for all of those things (and more!), so to avoid the pain of any future rejection, all I really wanted to do was blend in. And if I couldn’t blend in, then at the very least, I didn’t want to stand out for the wrong reasons. The wrong reasons being ones that put an easy target on me for ridicule.

In my experience, one of these ‘wrong reasons’ has always been because I’m a Christian. It’s funny to me that you can believe in a nameless “higher power” or call yourself “spiritual” and be widely accepted, but to be a Christian, who believes in Jesus and lives (as best you can) by biblical principles, you are antiquated and as I’ve been referred to many times – “super religious”.

As someone who’s longed for acceptance her whole life, the path of least resistance has always been to hide the details of my life that I know don’t go over well, which is where the fear of being found out as a Christian comes from. Now, if you were to ask me blatantly what I believed, I would tell you, but if you ain’t asking, I ain’t telling!

gosh.jeepersjpg

When I was seeing a counselor last year, she told me that it seems like I live my life in two worlds and she was absolutely right. These are the safe and separate worlds I’ve created that I try not to let intersect. There’s my Christian world, comprised of my Christian friends, my church, my faith, volunteering, etc, etc. Then there’s my other world, with everything and everyone else. Though I know how to blend in to each world, I don’t often feel like I actually fit into either.

Not Good Enough for One, Not Bad Enough for the Other

My perception of Christianity was always that it was just a list of don’ts. These are the things we don’t do and you don’t ask why, you just don’t do them because God said so! It never had to do with faith or understanding or grace, it was more like a math formula, cold and robotic. Do your math perfectly = Christian. However, if you showed your work and you had any faults or doubts, you failed and were letting all of Christendom down, thus I’ve always tried to hide my imperfections from anyone in my Christian world. What would they think if they knew I could simultaneously listen to Elevation Worship and cuss someone out in a fit of road rage? That sometimes I question why I believe something that’s so unbelievable? That on (very rare) occasions I have a glass of wine too many (and it’s a really good time)? Or that sometimes I think this God of ours is a big meanie who’s punishing me for my mistakes?

Then there’s my other world. The one where I spend 95% of my time. The one where I don’t lie about who I am, but the one where I casually leave out details of who I am so I can fly under the radar. What would this world think of me if they knew that I, in fact, do listen to worship music? That I fully believe something unbelievable? That I almost never have a glass of wine (or any other drinks)? Or that I think God is gracious and has amazing plans for my future in spite of my mistakes?

My counselor said to me “it must be exhausting to live like this”. She was right. Again.

People accept what is the same, but respect what is different. We downplay [who we are] to fit in to culture. – DawnCheré Wilkerson

A lot has changed internally in the months since counseling. Some of it comes from the counsel itself. Some of it from age. A lot of it comes from the inspiration of watching someone be 100% themselves and be loved and accepted for all the things I’m afraid of being outcast for. Whichever it was, I’m settling in to everything I am and am not. I don’t need strangers to accept me, when the people who matter most to me do. And at the end of the day, I don’t know why I’m trying to impress people I don’t really care about and who don’t know the full me anyway!

I never thought I’d get a second tattoo – I’m not young and irrational anymore! If I like a picture, I’ll just look at it. If I like a quote, I’ll just read it. But…YOLO? I decided to give myself an (extremely permanent) reminder of who I am and what I believe. It’s facing my fear head on and making a statement before I even open my mouth. Lawd help me, what have I done?!

Look out ’cause here I come

And I’m marching on to the beat I drum

I’m not scared to be seen

I make no apologies, this is me

Allow Myself to Introduce…Myself

April 20, 2019 / Roxie / Leave a comment

Welcome!

Yes, I have a new blog!

For the last couple of years I’ve kept a notebook nearby where I jot down feelings, thoughts or questions that pop into mind about life, faith and relationships. Each sentiment is no more than a sentence or two and if someone were to stumble upon my notebook, they’d probably wonder if I was a crazy person!

Throughout my heartbreaks and disappointments over the years, people often said to me “one day this will be your message”. I hated hearing that. I didn’t want to have a message or be a future example for anyone. I just wanted my happy ending and I wanted it yesterday. But after the hurt subsided a little, I guess I subconsciously thought, I may as well jot down some things and maybe one day something will come of it. I didn’t know what and I didn’t know when, but I figured it would be once everything in my life had turned around. Then, and only then, I could have a “message”.

Well, I recently listened to a podcast with Christine Caine. She was talking about one of her books and how she knew it was time to write that particular book because she had come through her pain enough to not write in response to it, but it hadn’t got so far behind her that she forgot about it. This made me think to my crazy-lady notebook. Everything in my life hasn’t turned around (in fact, none of it has), but I have come through my pain that it won’t filter through my words, but I’m not so far removed that I can’t still remember what it feels like. Was now the time to write?

But You’re Nobody, Why Do You Need a New Blog?

When I started my ‘Rants…’ blog a few years ago, I was bitter, confused, angry and had lost a lot of my faith. I stayed that way for far too long, but eventually staying in that head space became worse than making a change, so I chose to change!

This last year I’ve seen miracles happen and watched lives lived out that inspire me to emulate them. My edges have been softened (at least I think!), my perspectives have shifted and I feel like an entirely different person on the inside. ‘Rants’ doesn’t seem to apply to me anymore, so I’m moving on to something new. (I still have a lot of snark and plenty of opinions though!)

The Situation Room, as defined by Wikipedia and loosely translated by me, is a conference room located in the White House, for handling sensitive information with the purpose of providing intelligence and crisis support.

I had originally played around with about 10 different blog names, all a slight variation of one another, but all with the same theme. I settled on one I liked best, only the more I thought about what the name represented, I didn’t want to box myself in creatively or have a blog title be the label of my future. What I want is a safe space to have a conversation and be open to talk about any variety of things. My own ‘situation room’, if you will.

I also get a chuckle out of the double meaning this name has for me. A few years back I updated my Facebook status regarding my “situation”. You might remember:

FB-status-11-08-2016

Since you’re supposed to talk about what you know, you can be guaranteed that I’ll write about relationships, or what I’m more familiar with, singleness. And I will give you advanced heads up; this blog will contain much more talk of faith than ‘Rants’ did, because I’ve really been discovering exactly what faith means to me and I have a lot more of it than ever, so it’s bound to spill out! If you don’t like that, well, I guess, thank u, next, but I hope you stay open minded and join in on the conversation!