Christianity

All By Myself

/ Roxie / 1 Comment

Here’s the situation: It’s hard to make new friends as an adult!

I left an event recently and as I walked to my car, my eyes began to fill with tears.  I did the typical girl thing to make sure none of them actually escaped;  I blinked in rapid succession, waved my hands in front of my eyes and willed myself to ‘stop it’, but I could not gain control.  Within seconds of getting into my car I was bawling, in a parking lot, hoping no one would see me.  The only words I could get out, to no one but myself, were “I’m so tired of doing life alone!”.

Marry Your Best Friend

It should be common sense, but it took me more than a few crappy relationships before deciding that finding someone should actually enrich my life.  I may not always be thrilled to be single and I may not be in the position to be too selective anymore, but I’m not the type of girl who is going to settle for someone, just for the sake of having someone.  I’m not that desperate.  My life if pretty good actually and doesn’t need rescuing from some knight, so if I’m not going to be with someone who adds more value and enjoyment to what I already have, then I’d rather be single.  Now, I never wanted to be, or thought I’d be single at this age, but until recently, I never felt that single, because in a sense, I’ve had 2 spouses, just in best friend form.

My first “spouse” was my first roommate.  We lived together for 4 years and did everything together.  Worked together, worked out together, tanned together (separately), partied together…  I spent Christmases and Easters with her family or even just family dinners and games nights, I was there.  Our neighbors thought we were ‘partners’ and many people thought we were sisters.  We grocery shopped and ran errands together.  We just did life together.  When she got married, I moved in with my cousin, my second “spouse”, and we ended up living together for 11 years!  Even though our day to day lives weren’t quite so intertwined (different jobs, different hours, etc), similar to my first roommate, we did life together too, plus actually being blood relatives helped.  People who didn’t know us well thought we were either lesbians, sisters or eerily close friends.  The first time I’ve ever lived alone was after she got married.  It’s nice to have your own space and reign over Netflix and I’m one of those people who recharges alone, but it gets lonely.  Having a companion always made everything more fun, even the boring stuff.

Plus None

In all my years, there have only been 2 times that I brought a (male) date to an event and they were both with my then fiancé.  (Truth be told, I probably didn’t want him to come, but felt obligated out of fiancé-ly duty.  Reason #179 why we didn’t get married!).  Generally any sort of work party, wedding or other gala I get invited to, I know the people I’ll be around, so unless I’m actually in a relationship, I don’t often invite a date.  You just have to babysit them to make sure they’re having a good time or don’t get left alone, so unless I really like you, I can’t be bothered to bring a date, like I said above, for the sake of having a date.  I’ve grown accustomed to attending things alone, but sometimes there are moments that remind you just how alone you really are.

It was another wedding sans plus one.  I was friends with a bunch of people attending and told I’d be seated with a group I knew, so it was all good, I didn’t need a date.  I arrived at the reception and found my name on the seating chart.  Perfect – a round table of eight; 3 couples, myself and another girl whose husband couldn’t attend.  Only, last minute the husband could attend, so the seating chart attendant now had the unfortunate role of shuffling people around.

My emotions were heightened due to this wedding.  After these vows, I would be the last remaining single in this group of friends and being older than all of them, my time should’ve come first!  The seating chart attendant couldn’t have known how sensitive I was at that moment, so when she asked to move me, stating it was easiest because “you are the only one who’s single“, it felt like having a flaw that you’re self conscious of, but you don’t think anyone notices.  Only then you find out that not only do they notice it, they point it out to you!  For the sake of not making a scene, I obliged (while silently cursing everyone and their livelihood) and I was reassured that I would be moving to another table of people I knew.  It was true, I knew all but 1 person assigned there, however, I wasn’t aware that they all had jobs to do at the wedding and wouldn’t be able to sit!  Photographers, servers, a DJ and an emcee.  There I sat, already feeling ostracized, with a glaringly obvious reminder that I was alone – 7 empty chairs.  After about 15 minutes seething with white hot inner rage and fighting off tears, the one stranger at my table arrived and he didn’t have a role besides bridesmaid’s boyfriend, so the 2 of us sat while our table mates popped in and out, up and down.

The evening turned out to be fine, but it is etched into my brain.  The only one who’s single.  I swear it could’ve been scripted for a movie.  Single girl, upset about being single, goes to a wedding alone, gets bumped from her table because she’s alone and winds up at a table, sitting alone.  Of course, in the movie version, I would’ve had a meet-cute with the man of my dreams and lived happily ever after.  Instead I did wedding themed mad libs with a bridesmaid’s boyfriend.

meet-cute (noun)

(in a film or television show) An amusing or charming first encounter between two characters that leads to the development of a romantic relationship between them.

White Flag

I was texting with an old old friend recently and she asked “so, still happily single?”.  I snickered to myself and replied “more like, kind of accepted it”.  Acceptance is a weird place to be as someone who’s wanted to get married for 20+ years, but I think I might’ve actually, maybe, sort of, finally become ok with the potential for #foreveralone.  Wait, let me rephrase that.  I’ve had to become ok with it.  I’ve cried enough.  There’s really no point wasting any more time wanting something that I can’t make happen, so I’ve finally thrown my hands up and surrendered.

I like to think that things won’t stay this way forever and I have moments where the reality of that is overwhelming, but spending so much time being single has kind of forced me to shift my focus.  Rather than being on the lookout for a good man only to be disappointed each time I see one who catches my eye and is already taken, I decided to make other goals and while I pursue them, enjoy the days, do fun things and live life with my friends.  Unfortunately, as my plans for life were getting bigger, my social circle kept getting smaller.  My close friends are now all married or starting families.  Some switched churches so I didn’t see them as often, some moved away and some just stopped being my friend altogether.  Life happens, but when your plan is to enjoy life with others and suddenly it feels like you’ve lost all your others, that’s when you have parking lot meltdowns about being alone!

I know I’m not unique to it, but very few people have had the experience of staying single (never married) until they’re 40 and unless you’ve lived it, I don’t think you can truly compute how isolating it can be at times.  I love my friends and they are more important to me than they probably realize, but it’s easy to be unintentionally forgotten about.  Spouses and children and building a life together with someone takes precedence, understandably, but because of the accompanying “busyness” and obligations, many times it seems like if you weren’t the one reaching out, you’d never hear from anyone!  I really felt pushed this year to expand my circle and try to make more friends.

F•R•I•E•N•D•S

Nobody ever really talks about hard it is to make new friends as an adult.  It’s like some secret that we’ve been told to keep, but we’ve ALL been told it, so it’s not really a secret, we just have to act like nobody else knows the truth.  When the topic comes up though, everybody emphatically agrees and has a lot to say.   In my quest to make more friends this year, I learned I wasn’t the only one who had these struggles!

1. Where do you even go to make friends as an adult?!

When you’re young there’s youth group and school or parties and pubs/clubs.  Even after as young as 25 there aren’t many environments created to cultivate friendship.  You can’t just quit your job so that you can go work with new people and hope that they become your friends.  You might have a hobby and the opportunity to meet other like-minded people if you took a class or joined a club, but if these things aren’t options, where do you go?  There’s no speed dating for friends and there might be websites, but that’s a little too weird to me!

2. We’re all uncomfortable and afraid of rejection

Remember when you were a kid and your parents tossed you in a room with some other kid and you immediately started playing together?  It’s not like that anymore!  As you get older, you have a tendency to approach things with more caution.  It’s a side effect of life experience and I think we all wonder if people are going to like us.  I’ve had my fair share of experiences that have caused me to automatically assume people won’t like me because I’m not good enough for them.  Or they’ll only like me until they meet my cooler, funner, more outgoing, more spontaneous friends.  I mean, it’s happened multiple times in the past, who’s to say it wouldn’t happen again, right?  I’ve also met some really bold and confident people who have since told me that they were so nervous to ask me to hang out or have coffee.  I guess technically it’s almost like asking someone on a date – the potential to be rejected, even on a friendship level, is always there!

3. Where do I fit in?

We’re drawn to what we can identify with.  That’s why couples befriend other couples and moms gravitate to other moms, but where do I fit in?  Girls my age have husbands and teenage children.  Girls 10 years younger than me have husbands and young children.  I guess I have the most in common with someone in their 20’s and though I feel young, let’s be honest, my culture references, sayings, jokes and where I’m at in life are not the same.  How much do they want me lingering around (or how much do I want to linger around) before I come off a little too Amy Poehler in Mean Girls?

cool-mom

4. We all get lonely and we all make assumptions

Making assumptions is probably our biggest mistake and I know I’m guilty of it!  Often I won’t bother asking people if they want to do something because I assume that because they have a spouse, they want to spend all of their time with them or because they have kids that they are busy.  Then I found out, these people aren’t asking me if I want to do something because they assume I’m living some wild single life and won’t want to do some boring married person activity or hang out with a kid nearby.  Do I want to go to Gymboree or watch The Wiggles with you, for sure no, but if all you can do in this season of your life is go for a walk with your stroller, I have legs, I can walk!  I’d rather work around a few complications and see my friend than not see them at all.  But instead of making a move, what do either of us do?  We assume the other won’t want to get together for various reasons, don’t bother texting and we stay at home, feeling lonely and rejected because of our own misconceptions!

Just Do It

A man who has friends, must himself be friendly. – Proverbs 18:24 NKJV

We were created to be in relationship and we all desire companionship of some kind.  Friendships are so important!  The married families need to realize that we singles need them, just as much as they need us.  We each bring something unique to the table, but we’ll never learn from one another if we don’t spend time with one another!  So, the next time you draw back thinking that people will be too busy to get together with you, the least you could do is ask.  Or if you’re too nervous to ask someone new to hang out, embrace the awkwardness!  Chances are, they’re just as nervous and awkward as you.  You can meet some awesome people, like me for instance, once you break through that first moment of discomfort!

I expect my calendar to fill up now…just sayin’.

 

 

 

Dreams in My Heart & Ants in My Pants

/ Roxie / Leave a comment

Here’s the situation: When I was a kid, I wanted to work at Kmart when I grew up.  Yes, that’s right – I had lofty goals, and guess what?  I achieved them.  I worked at Kmart for a year and a half after high school.  So what’s left when your dreams come true at such an early age?

Do you ever wonder what the meaning of life is?  I’m not someone’s wife.  I’m not raising kids.  My friendships seem to have dwindled as lives have filled up with spouses and children.  Why am I here?  I work 40 hours a week, hit the gym to stay sane and come home to an empty house …day after day after day…  It just doesn’t seem that important or like I have purpose, so is this it?  Was I really created for this small little life?!

dtbjh3

Make Yourself Comfortable

I’ve always loved a good comfort zone.  It’s so comfortable!  You know what to expect, there’s no surprises; it’s consistent.  It’s controllable.  After years of learning my lessons the hard way, I want safety and security.  I’m more inclined to live in mediocrity, than to risk changing things for fear of them getting worse, even though I know the flip side is the possibility of things getting so much better!  Half of me is content in this rut, but the other half of me is internally clawing at the walls, crying out how bored she is!!!

Dream Weaver

I’m a day dreamer.  Maybe it’s because I’m an only child and had to develop an imagination or maybe it’s because I grew up on Disney and romanticized what life should be.  Whichever it is, I’m all too good at dreaming up a scenario in my mind and playing it out to the bitter end.  This sort of creativity can be annoying because, of course, my dreams are amazing and they make real life disappointing and at times, unbearable.

A few years back, I’d had enough of my dream world getting my real world hopes up.  The story always ended the same way, so in order to preserve my heart, I had to shut all systems down and suppress any feelings.  There would be NO. MORE. DREAMING!  But when you have no dreams, you really have no purpose, leaving you in a worse state than when you started.  My dreams might be delusional, but at least they give me something to hope for/strive for.

Dream Weaver 2.0

About a year ago, a dream found it’s way back to the surface.  Only this time it felt more like I was given an actual vision of my future.  The problem?  It is ridiculously far fetched!  Short of a bunch of miracles and open doors, I’m not sure how it could ever come to pass.  What’s even weirder though?  I didn’t let that stop my skeptical heart from believing for it, more than I’ve believed for anything before!  Without knowing how to make things happen on my own, I made some changes in my life, so that just in case doors opened, I’d be ready to walk through.  I didn’t expect miracles over night, but still nothing has happened and any doors that were ajar have slammed shut.

Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning.

– Gloria Steinem

The Middle

I have a hard time being present focused.  Looking back is filled with lessons, looking forward is filled with wonder (and a little fear), but looking here and now?  Ugh!  I’m not content here and now, so I obsess over what’s next and I want to get there as fast as I can before I’m too old to enjoy it!  I can generally settle my spirit by reminding myself to trust God and His timing.  Things will work out in just the right time and in just the right way, but in my human nature and the moments in the middle I’m thinking “God!  What’s the freakin’ hold up?  Don’t you see things are passing me by?  We’re going to miss opportunities!”

This dissatisfaction with the present is why I try to keep myself busy with distractions, like the gym, Netflix or maybe even this blog and why I need to have something to look forward to while I wait.  When I have something on the calendar tomorrow, on the weekend or even a few months down the road, I can make it through today and tomorrow and a few months down the road.  With nothing in sight, I get depressed and everything feels meaningless.  (Take note friends: I’ve just given you insight as to why I like to make plans in advance and why being cancelled on is so frustrating!)

Could You Say ‘Dream’ Any More Times?*

If you’ve been a Christian for any length of time, you’re no doubt familiar with Ephesians 3:20 which states that God will do exceedingly, abundantly more than we ask or think.  I’ve even mentioned it in a previous blog.  I’m sure you’ve also heard Christianese sayings like “double for your trouble” and things of the sort.  The messages are encouraging, but can they really be true?  You’re not in my brain, so you don’t know how specific or how grand the ideas can be, but how could what God has in mind possibly be bigger than what I ask or think?  …because I’m asking a lot and thinking pretty big!

I have so many questions.  Where do dreams come from?  Are they something we’ve made up or do they come from God?  Are dreams the same thing as the so-called “desires of my heart”, which God also claims to give me?  And how do I trust what is me vs what is God?  Do you suppose He places things on our hearts or gives us an idea or a vision of what the future could hold, in order to guide our decision making process along the way?  And once we have a sense of something, could we ever really be content with less?  What if we reject something good enough, while waiting for “exceedingly abundantly more”, only to end up with nothing?

I suppose if my dream of working at Kmart came true, perhaps this dream could one day come true also?

IMG_2550

My manager made my nametag before I could tell him I never go by Roxanne, so, for a year and a half, I went by Roxanne.  This is the only time I’ve ever been called that.

PS – I’ll tell you what the dream is after it happens.  If it happens.

* The word ‘dream’ was used a total of 17 instances in this blog.

 

Faith It ‘Til You Make It?

/ Roxie / 1 Comment

Here’s the situation:  Sometimes I wonder, is this ever going to happen for me?  Does God really have a plan?  And if He does, why does it suck along the way?

I’m Not Crying, My Eyes Are Just a Little Sweaty Today

I thought I was doing better than this.  It’d been months since I last felt hopeless, yet there I was, Kleenex in hand, tears on face, attending a pity party.  Something happened that day to ground me back in my reality.  The reality that as much as I keep trying to be okay with the possibility I’ll be single forever, I’m not really that okay with it.  Deep within me there is an ache to be fully known, fully loved and fully chosen.  The reality is I’m no closer to getting married today than I was when I looked forward to it at 17.  That is a long time to live with an unanswered prayer.

It’s always so discouraging to me when I look at other people’s lives and see how easy relationships seem to come for them.  It’s like they walked out the front door, made eye contact with a stranger and that was it!  I know people who have met their spouses at coffee shops, their jobs, through friends, at church or online.  I know people my age on their second and third marriages (not the goal, but I’m just saying, they’re already getting married twice and I haven’t even been married once?!).  I have a friend who went on vacation to another country, met a guy also on vacation from a complete other country and a few months later, he moved to Canada for her.  What kind of real life rom-com nonsense is this?!

10.Things

(’10 Things I Hate About You’ reference.  Not sorry about it.)

It’s Not You, It’s Me.  Actually, It Is You.

“How come you’re still single?”.  I’ve heard it 100x and wondered it 200.  I’ve always assumed it was me and my flaws.  My nose is too big, I’m too tall and nobody is ready for this jelly.  Maybe I’m not as good of a conversationalist as I think?  Maybe I’m actually really annoying?  I’m sure some of my relational failures are my fault, but when I started to dig deeper, I started to think – no, this has way more to do with the guys than me!

I’d like to take you on a little journey to give you an idea of what I’ve been working with over the years.  This should shed some light on the ‘how come you’re still single’ query.  I’ve vastly shortened the list so these are just some examples of guys who I’ve either dated, were interested in me that I would not date (reasons obvious) or guys who my “friends” have tried to set me up with.  I put the word friends in quotations, because with these attempted set-ups, I question if you even like me!

Allow my pain to be your pleasure:

  • there was the guy I was seeing and ended up seeing make out with another girl while we were at an event together
  • there was the guy I was seeing for a few months and then one day, he disappeared.  Months later I found out he fled the province because he had a warrant out for his arrest
  • there was the guy I was seeing for a few months and then one day, he disappeared.  Sound familiar?  Yes, same guy as above!  I gave it another go and he disappeared…AGAIN!
  • there was the guy living out of his car
  • there was the guy who found out his ex girlfriend was pregnant with his TWINS, who also happens to be the same guy who was living out of his car.  Listing it separately was intentional for more impact
  • there was the guy who it turns out was married
  • there was the guy who it turns out was gay
  • there were the atheists (not a great match for a Christian girl)
  • there was the registered sex offender
  • there was the guy I met online who didn’t want to get involved with anyone because he was waiting for a heart transplant (Are you kidding me?  The one decent online guy and he could die before we even meet?!)
  • then there were the majority of the guys who dumped me as soon as they found out I live like a Christian (being one was not the problem.  Having the morals of one, was!)

When one of my best friends and I used to go out, she’d get hit on by the doctor, the pharmacist, the business owner or the investment banker.  And me?  Well, I’d get the guy who lived in his parents basement and had no car, so I’d have to pick him up for a date.

Sidenote: For years I’ve been told I’m too picky.  I dated a guy LIVING. OUT. OF. HIS. CAR!  And if NOT dating a gay man or a pedophile is too picky, then yes, I suppose you can fault me for being too picky!

Hindsight is 20/20

I love hindsight!  It’s like the end of an M. Night Shyamalan movie; wrapped up in a way that finally makes sense!  Hindsight gives me the satisfaction to know that everything worked out the way it should.  I can look at that list above and understand why none of those relationships (or potentials) worked out.  Heck, I can even be over the moon about it!  But in all these years, there’s been plenty of opportunity for a good match to come my way.  I leave the house and make eye contact with strangers.  I go to coffee shops, work, church, the gym, on vacation; all of the places that are working for other people (so basically, anywhere), so why hasn’t that been my story?  Is there a reason I’ve remained single this long?  Does God actually have someone in mind for me or have I been given the “gift” of singleness and I should’ve kept the receipt to return it?

If I claim to be a Christian, who believes in God and believes the bible to be God’s word and God’s word to be true, then I should be able to trust this God of mine and the things He says.  Things like how He knows the end from the beginning.  How He’ll do exceedingly, abundantly more than we can ask or think and that He’ll give me the desires of my heart.  I’ve seen God do actual miracles in the lives of people around me, so He’s clearly big enough to do for me what feels like will take a miracle!  And if He claims to work all things together for my good (Romans 8:28), then I can look forward to looking back and getting my much needed hindsight, right?

Take it Away Vanessa Williams

I don’t understand God’s plan, I don’t like His timing and I really don’t like an uncertain future, but I can tell you one thing for certain; if I were to have found someone by now, I wouldn’t be writing this.  I wouldn’t have started a blog.  I might not be writing at all.  I wouldn’t have had the last year to develop the big (and delusional) dreams I now have for my future.  I’d probably be settled into a mundane, routine life and perfectly content.  And though I live mundane and routine right now, it’s hardly appealing to me anymore!  Maybe that was all part of the plan?  Or maybe I’m the modern day Lazarus and God needs to show someone His glory through me?  Maybe God has to save the best for last?

But when Jesus heard about it he said, “Lazarus’s sickness will not end in death. No, it happened for the glory of God so that the Son of God will receive glory from this.” – John 11:4 (NLT)

 

Accountability Ink

/ Roxie / 1 Comment

Here’s the situation:  I’ve always been afraid of people finding out I’m a Christian

If you read my ‘Rants’ blog, you might remember the one where I touched on the topic of never feeling like I was enough.  Not pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, blah, blah, blah; just not enough of whatever it was I thought people required of me to accept me.  Over the years my fears were confirmed by being rejected for all of those things (and more!), so to avoid the pain of any future rejection, all I really wanted to do was blend in.  And if I couldn’t blend in, then at the very least, I didn’t want to stand out for the wrong reasons.  The wrong reasons being ones that put an easy target on me for ridicule.

In my experience, one of these ‘wrong reasons’ has always been because I’m a Christian.  It’s funny to me that you can believe in a nameless “higher power” or call yourself “spiritual” and be widely accepted, but to be a Christian, who believes in Jesus and lives (as best you can) by biblical principles, you are antiquated and as I’ve been referred to many times – “super religious”.

As someone who’s longed for acceptance her whole life, the path of least resistance has always been to hide the details of my life that I know don’t go over well, which is where the fear of being found out as a Christian comes from.  Now, if you were to ask me blatantly what I believed, I would tell you, but if you ain’t asking, I ain’t telling!

gosh.jeepersjpg

When I was seeing a counselor last year, she told me that it seems like I live my life in two worlds and she was absolutely right.  These are the safe and separate worlds I’ve created that I try not to let intersect.  There’s my Christian world, comprised of my Christian friends, my church, my faith, volunteering, etc, etc.  Then there’s my other world, with everything and everyone else.  Though I know how to blend in to each world, I don’t often feel like I actually fit into either.

Not Good Enough for One, Not Bad Enough for the Other

My perception of Christianity was always that it was just a list of don’ts.  These are the things we don’t do and you don’t ask why, you just don’t do them because God said so!  It never had to do with faith or understanding or grace, it was more like a math formula, cold and robotic.  Do your math perfectly = Christian.  However, if you showed your work and you had any faults or doubts, you failed and were letting all of Christendom down, thus I’ve always tried to hide my imperfections from anyone in my Christian world.  What would they think if they knew I could simultaneously listen to Elevation Worship and cuss someone out in a fit of road rage?  That sometimes I question why I believe something that’s so unbelievable?  That on (very rare) occasions I have a glass of wine too many (and it’s a really good time)?  Or that sometimes I think this God of ours is a big meanie who’s punishing me for my mistakes?

Then there’s my other world.  The one where I spend 95% of my time.  The one where I don’t lie about who I am, but the one where I casually leave out details of who I am so I can fly under the radar.  What would this world think of me if they knew that I, in fact, do listen to worship music?  That I fully believe something unbelievable?  That I almost never have a glass of wine (or any other drinks)?  Or that I think God is gracious and has amazing plans for my future in spite of my mistakes?

My counselor said to me “it must be exhausting to live like this”.  She was right.  Again.

People accept what is the same, but respect what is different.  We downplay [who we are] to fit in to culture. – DawnCheré Wilkerson

A lot has changed internally in the months since counseling.  Some of it comes from the counsel itself.  Some of it from age.  A lot of it comes from the inspiration of watching someone be 100% themselves and be loved and accepted for all the things I’m afraid of being outcast for.  Whichever it was, I’m settling in to everything I am and am not.  I don’t need strangers to accept me, when the people who matter most to me do.  And at the end of the day, I don’t know why I’m trying to impress people I don’t really care about and who don’t know the full me anyway!

IMG_1879

I never thought I’d get a second tattoo – I’m not young and irrational anymore!  If I like a picture, I’ll just look at it.  If I like a quote, I’ll just read it.  But…YOLO?  I decided to give myself an (extremely permanent) reminder of who I am and what I believe.  It’s facing my fear head on and making a statement before I even open my mouth.  Lawd help me, what have I done?!

 

Look out ’cause here I come

And I’m marching on to the beat I drum

I’m not scared to be seen

I make no apologies, this is me

 

 

 

Allow Myself to Introduce…Myself

/ Roxie / Leave a comment

Welcome!

Yes, I have a new blog!

For the last couple of years I’ve kept a notebook nearby where I jot down feelings, thoughts or questions that pop into mind about life, faith and relationships.  Each sentiment is no more than a sentence or two and if someone were to stumble upon my notebook, they’d probably wonder if I was a crazy person!

Throughout my heartbreaks and disappointments over the years, people often said to me “one day this will be your message”.  I hated hearing that.  I didn’t want to have a message or be a future example for anyone.  I just wanted my happy ending and I wanted it yesterday.  But after the hurt subsided a little, I guess I subconsciously thought, I may as well jot down some things and maybe one day something will come of it.  I didn’t know what and I didn’t know when, but I figured it would be once everything in my life had turned around.  Then, and only then, I could have a “message”.

Well, I recently listened to a podcast with Christine Caine.  She was talking about one of her books and how she knew it was time to write that particular book because she had come through her pain enough to not write in response to it, but it hadn’t got so far behind her that she forgot about it.  This made me think to my crazy-lady notebook.  Everything in my life hasn’t turned around (in fact, none of it has), but I have come through my pain that it won’t filter through my words, but I’m not so far removed that I can’t still remember what it feels like.  Was now the time to write?

But You’re Nobody, Why Do You Need a New Blog?

When I started my ‘Rants…’ blog a few years ago, I was bitter, confused, angry and had lost a lot of my faith. I stayed that way for far too long, but eventually staying in that head space became worse than making a change, so I chose to change!

This last year I’ve seen miracles happen and watched lives lived out that inspire me to emulate them.  My edges have been softened (at least I think!), my perspectives have shifted and I feel like an entirely different person on the inside.  ‘Rants’ doesn’t seem to apply to me anymore, so I’m moving on to something new.  (I still have a lot of snark and plenty of opinions though!)

The Situation Room, as defined by Wikipedia and loosely translated by me, is a conference room located in the White House, for handling sensitive information with the purpose of providing intelligence and crisis support.

I had originally played around with about 10 different blog names, all a slight variation of one another, but all with the same theme.  I settled on one I liked best, only the more I thought about what the name represented, I didn’t want to box myself in creatively or have a blog title be the label of my future.  What I want is a safe space to have a conversation and be open to talk about any variety of things. My own ‘situation room’, if you will.

I also get a chuckle out of the double meaning this name has for me.  A few years back I updated my Facebook status regarding my “situation”.  You might remember:

FB-status-11-08-2016

Since you’re supposed to talk about what you know, you can be guaranteed that I’ll write about relationships, or what I’m more familiar with, singleness.  And I will give you advanced heads up; this blog will contain much more talk of faith than ‘Rants’ did, because I’ve really been discovering exactly what faith means to me and I have a lot more of it than ever, so it’s bound to spill out!  If you don’t like that, well, I guess, thank u, next, but I hope you stay open minded and join in on the conversation!