Faith

Faith It ‘Til You Make It?

/ Roxie / 1 Comment

Here’s the situation:  Sometimes I wonder, is this ever going to happen for me?  Does God really have a plan?  And if He does, why does it suck along the way?

I’m Not Crying, My Eyes Are Just a Little Sweaty Today

I thought I was doing better than this.  It’d been months since I last felt hopeless, yet there I was, Kleenex in hand, tears on face, attending a pity party.  Something happened that day to ground me back in my reality.  The reality that as much as I keep trying to be okay with the possibility I’ll be single forever, I’m not really that okay with it.  Deep within me there is an ache to be fully known, fully loved and fully chosen.  The reality is I’m no closer to getting married today than I was when I looked forward to it at 17.  That is a long time to live with an unanswered prayer.

It’s always so discouraging to me when I look at other people’s lives and see how easy relationships seem to come for them.  It’s like they walked out the front door, made eye contact with a stranger and that was it!  I know people who have met their spouses at coffee shops, their jobs, through friends, at church or online.  I know people my age on their second and third marriages (not the goal, but I’m just saying, they’re already getting married twice and I haven’t even been married once?!).  I have a friend who went on vacation to another country, met a guy also on vacation from a complete other country and a few months later, he moved to Canada for her.  What kind of real life rom-com nonsense is this?!

10.Things

(’10 Things I Hate About You’ reference.  Not sorry about it.)

It’s Not You, It’s Me.  Actually, It Is You.

“How come you’re still single?”.  I’ve heard it 100x and wondered it 200.  I’ve always assumed it was me and my flaws.  My nose is too big, I’m too tall and nobody is ready for this jelly.  Maybe I’m not as good of a conversationalist as I think?  Maybe I’m actually really annoying?  I’m sure some of my relational failures are my fault, but when I started to dig deeper, I started to think – no, this has way more to do with the guys than me!

I’d like to take you on a little journey to give you an idea of what I’ve been working with over the years.  This should shed some light on the ‘how come you’re still single’ query.  I’ve vastly shortened the list so these are just some examples of guys who I’ve either dated, were interested in me that I would not date (reasons obvious) or guys who my “friends” have tried to set me up with.  I put the word friends in quotations, because with these attempted set-ups, I question if you even like me!

Allow my pain to be your pleasure:

  • there was the guy I was seeing and ended up seeing make out with another girl while we were at an event together
  • there was the guy I was seeing for a few months and then one day, he disappeared.  Months later I found out he fled the province because he had a warrant out for his arrest
  • there was the guy I was seeing for a few months and then one day, he disappeared.  Sound familiar?  Yes, same guy as above!  I gave it another go and he disappeared…AGAIN!
  • there was the guy living out of his car
  • there was the guy who found out his ex girlfriend was pregnant with his TWINS, who also happens to be the same guy who was living out of his car.  Listing it separately was intentional for more impact
  • there was the guy who it turns out was married
  • there was the guy who it turns out was gay
  • there were the atheists (not a great match for a Christian girl)
  • there was the registered sex offender
  • there was the guy I met online who didn’t want to get involved with anyone because he was waiting for a heart transplant (Are you kidding me?  The one decent online guy and he could die before we even meet?!)
  • then there were the majority of the guys who dumped me as soon as they found out I live like a Christian (being one was not the problem.  Having the morals of one, was!)

When one of my best friends and I used to go out, she’d get hit on by the doctor, the pharmacist, the business owner or the investment banker.  And me?  Well, I’d get the guy who lived in his parents basement and had no car, so I’d have to pick him up for a date.

Sidenote: For years I’ve been told I’m too picky.  I dated a guy LIVING. OUT. OF. HIS. CAR!  And if NOT dating a gay man or a pedophile is too picky, then yes, I suppose you can fault me for being too picky!

Hindsight is 20/20

I love hindsight!  It’s like the end of an M. Night Shyamalan movie; wrapped up in a way that finally makes sense!  Hindsight gives me the satisfaction to know that everything worked out the way it should.  I can look at that list above and understand why none of those relationships (or potentials) worked out.  Heck, I can even be over the moon about it!  But in all these years, there’s been plenty of opportunity for a good match to come my way.  I leave the house and make eye contact with strangers.  I go to coffee shops, work, church, the gym, on vacation; all of the places that are working for other people (so basically, anywhere), so why hasn’t that been my story?  Is there a reason I’ve remained single this long?  Does God actually have someone in mind for me or have I been given the “gift” of singleness and I should’ve kept the receipt to return it?

If I claim to be a Christian, who believes in God and believes the bible to be God’s word and God’s word to be true, then I should be able to trust this God of mine and the things He says.  Things like how He knows the end from the beginning.  How He’ll do exceedingly, abundantly more than we can ask or think and that He’ll give me the desires of my heart.  I’ve seen God do actual miracles in the lives of people around me, so He’s clearly big enough to do for me what feels like will take a miracle!  And if He claims to work all things together for my good (Romans 8:28), then I can look forward to looking back and getting my much needed hindsight, right?

Take it Away Vanessa Williams

I don’t understand God’s plan, I don’t like His timing and I really don’t like an uncertain future, but I can tell you one thing for certain; if I were to have found someone by now, I wouldn’t be writing this.  I wouldn’t have started a blog.  I might not be writing at all.  I wouldn’t have had the last year to develop the big (and delusional) dreams I now have for my future.  I’d probably be settled into a mundane, routine life and perfectly content.  And though I live mundane and routine right now, it’s hardly appealing to me anymore!  Maybe that was all part of the plan?  Or maybe I’m the modern day Lazarus and God needs to show someone His glory through me?  Maybe God has to save the best for last?

But when Jesus heard about it he said, “Lazarus’s sickness will not end in death. No, it happened for the glory of God so that the Son of God will receive glory from this.” – John 11:4 (NLT)

 

Accountability Ink

/ Roxie / 1 Comment

Here’s the situation:  I’ve always been afraid of people finding out I’m a Christian

If you read my ‘Rants’ blog, you might remember the one where I touched on the topic of never feeling like I was enough.  Not pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, blah, blah, blah; just not enough of whatever it was I thought people required of me to accept me.  Over the years my fears were confirmed by being rejected for all of those things (and more!), so to avoid the pain of any future rejection, all I really wanted to do was blend in.  And if I couldn’t blend in, then at the very least, I didn’t want to stand out for the wrong reasons.  The wrong reasons being ones that put an easy target on me for ridicule.

In my experience, one of these ‘wrong reasons’ has always been because I’m a Christian.  It’s funny to me that you can believe in a nameless “higher power” or call yourself “spiritual” and be widely accepted, but to be a Christian, who believes in Jesus and lives (as best you can) by biblical principles, you are antiquated and as I’ve been referred to many times – “super religious”.

As someone who’s longed for acceptance her whole life, the path of least resistance has always been to hide the details of my life that I know don’t go over well, which is where the fear of being found out as a Christian comes from.  Now, if you were to ask me blatantly what I believed, I would tell you, but if you ain’t asking, I ain’t telling!

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When I was seeing a counselor last year, she told me that it seems like I live my life in two worlds and she was absolutely right.  These are the safe and separate worlds I’ve created that I try not to let intersect.  There’s my Christian world, comprised of my Christian friends, my church, my faith, volunteering, etc, etc.  Then there’s my other world, with everything and everyone else.  Though I know how to blend in to each world, I don’t often feel like I actually fit into either.

Not Good Enough for One, Not Bad Enough for the Other

My perception of Christianity was always that it was just a list of don’ts.  These are the things we don’t do and you don’t ask why, you just don’t do them because God said so!  It never had to do with faith or understanding or grace, it was more like a math formula, cold and robotic.  Do your math perfectly = Christian.  However, if you showed your work and you had any faults or doubts, you failed and were letting all of Christendom down, thus I’ve always tried to hide my imperfections from anyone in my Christian world.  What would they think if they knew I could simultaneously listen to Elevation Worship and cuss someone out in a fit of road rage?  That sometimes I question why I believe something that’s so unbelievable?  That on (very rare) occasions I have a glass of wine too many (and it’s a really good time)?  Or that sometimes I think this God of ours is a big meanie who’s punishing me for my mistakes?

Then there’s my other world.  The one where I spend 95% of my time.  The one where I don’t lie about who I am, but the one where I casually leave out details of who I am so I can fly under the radar.  What would this world think of me if they knew that I, in fact, do listen to worship music?  That I fully believe something unbelievable?  That I almost never have a glass of wine (or any other drinks)?  Or that I think God is gracious and has amazing plans for my future in spite of my mistakes?

My counselor said to me “it must be exhausting to live like this”.  She was right.  Again.

People accept what is the same, but respect what is different.  We downplay [who we are] to fit in to culture. – DawnCheré Wilkerson

A lot has changed internally in the months since counseling.  Some of it comes from the counsel itself.  Some of it from age.  A lot of it comes from the inspiration of watching someone be 100% themselves and be loved and accepted for all the things I’m afraid of being outcast for.  Whichever it was, I’m settling in to everything I am and am not.  I don’t need strangers to accept me, when the people who matter most to me do.  And at the end of the day, I don’t know why I’m trying to impress people I don’t really care about and who don’t know the full me anyway!

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I never thought I’d get a second tattoo – I’m not young and irrational anymore!  If I like a picture, I’ll just look at it.  If I like a quote, I’ll just read it.  But…YOLO?  I decided to give myself an (extremely permanent) reminder of who I am and what I believe.  It’s facing my fear head on and making a statement before I even open my mouth.  Lawd help me, what have I done?!

 

Look out ’cause here I come

And I’m marching on to the beat I drum

I’m not scared to be seen

I make no apologies, this is me

 

 

 

Allow Myself to Introduce…Myself

/ Roxie / Leave a comment

Welcome!

Yes, I have a new blog!

For the last couple of years I’ve kept a notebook nearby where I jot down feelings, thoughts or questions that pop into mind about life, faith and relationships.  Each sentiment is no more than a sentence or two and if someone were to stumble upon my notebook, they’d probably wonder if I was a crazy person!

Throughout my heartbreaks and disappointments over the years, people often said to me “one day this will be your message”.  I hated hearing that.  I didn’t want to have a message or be a future example for anyone.  I just wanted my happy ending and I wanted it yesterday.  But after the hurt subsided a little, I guess I subconsciously thought, I may as well jot down some things and maybe one day something will come of it.  I didn’t know what and I didn’t know when, but I figured it would be once everything in my life had turned around.  Then, and only then, I could have a “message”.

Well, I recently listened to a podcast with Christine Caine.  She was talking about one of her books and how she knew it was time to write that particular book because she had come through her pain enough to not write in response to it, but it hadn’t got so far behind her that she forgot about it.  This made me think to my crazy-lady notebook.  Everything in my life hasn’t turned around (in fact, none of it has), but I have come through my pain that it won’t filter through my words, but I’m not so far removed that I can’t still remember what it feels like.  Was now the time to write?

But You’re Nobody, Why Do You Need a New Blog?

When I started my ‘Rants…’ blog a few years ago, I was bitter, confused, angry and had lost a lot of my faith. I stayed that way for far too long, but eventually staying in that head space became worse than making a change, so I chose to change!

This last year I’ve seen miracles happen and watched lives lived out that inspire me to emulate them.  My edges have been softened (at least I think!), my perspectives have shifted and I feel like an entirely different person on the inside.  ‘Rants’ doesn’t seem to apply to me anymore, so I’m moving on to something new.  (I still have a lot of snark and plenty of opinions though!)

The Situation Room, as defined by Wikipedia and loosely translated by me, is a conference room located in the White House, for handling sensitive information with the purpose of providing intelligence and crisis support.

I had originally played around with about 10 different blog names, all a slight variation of one another, but all with the same theme.  I settled on one I liked best, only the more I thought about what the name represented, I didn’t want to box myself in creatively or have a blog title be the label of my future.  What I want is a safe space to have a conversation and be open to talk about any variety of things. My own ‘situation room’, if you will.

I also get a chuckle out of the double meaning this name has for me.  A few years back I updated my Facebook status regarding my “situation”.  You might remember:

FB-status-11-08-2016

Since you’re supposed to talk about what you know, you can be guaranteed that I’ll write about relationships, or what I’m more familiar with, singleness.  And I will give you advanced heads up; this blog will contain much more talk of faith than ‘Rants’ did, because I’ve really been discovering exactly what faith means to me and I have a lot more of it than ever, so it’s bound to spill out!  If you don’t like that, well, I guess, thank u, next, but I hope you stay open minded and join in on the conversation!