Here’s the situation: Every job develops it’s own, unique lingo between coworkers and at my work, when one of us gets ready to leave for the day, we often say “I’ve seen enough.”  Well, over a year into dealing with this pandemic, that’s exactly how I feel – I’ve seen enough.

(Ok, I’d actually seen enough about 2 weeks in last year, but now I’ve really seen enough.)

White Girl Wasted

I’m no medical expert and I could be completely pulling this out of my butt, but I’m certain somewhere along the way I learned that when you’re drunk and pass out, it’s actually your body’s way of forcefully shutting down any function that isn’t necessary at the moment (like hitting the dance floor for one more song or making a new best friend in the ladies room), in order to focus all it’s energy on the functions needed to keep you alive.  You know, breathing and your heart beating…those little things.  Well, 14 months into this thing, there are days I feel like I’ve passed out.  I’m breathing and my heart is beating, but in order to survive this indefinite period of time, everything else is slowly shutting down.  Things like, looking forward to traveling, hoping to ever meet someone, hanging onto dreams I have, or even pursuing those dreams now.  Basically, anything that takes much mental fortitude.  You can barely plan tomorrow anymore, so it’s kind of like – how can you plan, or even almost hope for the future, when the future is so uncertain?!  And yes, the future has always been uncertain, but even with that, it still felt a little more promising than it does at the moment.  Some days I find myself wondering if there’s a point in having these desires now?  Do they even matter anymore?  Continuing to carry them can get overwhelming and I can’t really handle overwhelming, on top of already coping with our ever-changing rules and restrictions (that don’t make sense), constantly trying to make the best of them AND looking to find some kind of silver lining in all of this!  It’s exhausting.  When it comes to my hopes and dreams and desires now, I’ve started to feel indifferent to them.  Kind of like “meh, whatever, it doesn’t matter”, because it’s easier to do that, than spend the energy working towards or wishing for their outcome in a world that has taken a crazy detour.

Don’t You Know I’m Loco?

If I’ve learned anything this last year, it’s that there’s nothing quite like a never-ending pandemic to make you question your sanity.  It has nothing to do with fearing Covid itself either, but rather dealing with everything surrounding it and the roller coaster of things opening up and shutting down, opening up, shutting down.  Snip snap, snip snap, snip snap.

There have been weeks where I’ve been so grieved by a hopeless, dreamless, possibly travel-less future that I’ve had to fight back tears almost every minute of the day and other weeks where I feel so hardened that I don’t care about anything anymore and couldn’t shed a tear if I tried.  Some days the sunshine hurts my soul more than it helps it, because it makes me nostalgic and pine for better times that no longer seem possible, while other days all I feel is the rage of a thousand suns fill my soul.  I’ve seen a light at the end of the tunnel, but then watched that light stay an equal distance from me, even as we move forward.  I’ve heard more opinions and news than I can stand and had multiple sleepless nights due to the stress of wondering what’s truth, what isn’t and where I stand as a Christian in light of it all.

No More Lemons Thanks, I’ve Made Enough Lemonade

I was texting with a friend about a month ago and we were expressing our frustration about the rumor of yet another shutdown (which did, in fact, happen) and the disappointment of things getting postponed or canceled again, her being a shift worker and having to figure out the homeschool schedule again, not to mention how the last set of rules implemented in December, which were only supposed to be for 3 weeks, still haven’t been lifted!  The general consensus of the texts was “F U covid”.  (Don’t worry, we only used the letters F and U, because we don’t use language like that.)  I mentioned to her that I was finally at my breaking point in every area – work, dating, blog, travel, etc, and I didn’t know how much longer I could handle this crap.  That’s when she replied and said COVID FATIGUE IS REAL!!

The more I sat with that statement, the more I thought – hmmm, maybe that’s what this is!  I’m not depressed or bipolar or a conspiracy theorist and I haven’t gone completely crazy.  I’m just tired!  I’m tired of making lemons into lemonade, and the highs and lows I’ve felt this last year have only been amplified because of already operating from an exasperated state.  When we’re functioning with consistently high emotions, high stress, high whatever – something’s gotta give!  It’s similar to what I said above about passing out; some things have to shut down in order for other things to survive.  If Covid fatigue is a valid thing, it makes sense why I don’t want to deal with any part of life lately that takes anything more than the energy, effort or emotions required to have fun.  It makes sense why I’ve become indifferent to my hopes/dreams/desires.  Heck, it makes sense why I’ve been struggling to write for nearly 2 months, but haven’t cared that much, even though one of my life’s dreams/goals hinges on writing this!

Done.

I was with another friend just the other night and she mentioned to me having Zoom fatigue from so many Zoom meetings over the last year and I had to laugh thinking about how I was working on this blog.  Whenever I talk to friends, the biggest thing we all feel is just done!  We are soooo over [it].

Last week our Premier announced some of our province’s restrictions being lifted and it sounds exciting, but…we’ve done this before only to have everything locked down again.  I’m looking forward to being able to dine with friends IN a restaurant and because I live alone, being allowed to hang out with more than 2 people who also must live alone (that is, if you followed that rule in the first place), but at the same time, I almost feel like I can’t let my guard down yet.  The light at the end of the tunnel will need to become so bright that it burns my retinas before I believe we’re anywhere near being through this thing and even then, I don’t think anything or anyone will ever be “normal” again.  We’re changed.

So what about you?  How have YOU been holding up?  Have you also “seen enough”?

All I wanna be is done

– Done., The Band Perry