Hope

The Unromantic Side of Romance

/ Roxie / 1 Comment

Here’s the situation: Sometimes romance is not actually all that romantic!

So, it would appear as though I’ve been AWOL from writing again, this time for almost 2 years now.  Oopsie!  What can I say – I’ve been a busy lady, because, well, work, friends, hobbies, fun and oh yea, I got married.  Surprise!  Seeing how I was the expert at being single and now I’m (obviously) an expert at marriage, I’m here to give you my pearls and I can sum them up really quickly too.  Mainly, that you, as a woman, have been lied to!  Disney movies and rom-coms – they’re lies.  And we know this on some level too, yet we continue to let them define how we think we should feel when looking for a mate.  Ok sure, there are the people who legitimately might feel all those movie emotions (sparks, clouds parting, birds chirping, etc.), but what I’ve learned is, aside from those people (who are generally highly emotional and often make unwise life decisions anyway), there are the rest of us and for the rest of us, romance is a lot more practical.  Romance is actually, not all that romantic.  It probably would’ve been helpful for someone to tell me this before I was over 40, so let me try to do you the favour!

On the Spectrum

Like many, I have some fears.  One might call them irrational, but how do I know that my front door is actually locked if I don’t check it 7 times?  I don’t call that irrational – I call it safe!  Another fear of mine that developed somewhere in my late 20s/early 30s is that I would marry someone who I was not attracted to.  This one didn’t seem all that irrational to me though because I had heard it so many times from so many women. Women who were not attracted to their now-husbands when they first met.  They were “not their type”, yet somehow they were won over (or worn down?).  I was even there from the beginning of some of these relationships so I heard firsthand how much these women did not like the guys who were pursuing them!  “Not my type” became such a common sentiment in love stories, that anytime a new guy came into the fold who happened to be weird or unattractive, I feared they would be the one that the Lord had chose for me.  The guys wouldn’t even have to show interest in me and I was already mad at God for making me marry this creature in order to teach me a lesson in humility.  Ok yes, that might be irrational, but I just wanted to be proud of the imaginary spouse on my arm.

If I wasn’t afraid of marrying the missing link, then my other emotion, on the total opposite end of the spectrum, was that the Lord was going to bring me THE BEST man!  Like, a guy who other women would look at and also realize was THE BEST.  These women might be happily married, but they would recognize amazingness when they saw it and realize just why it took me so much longer to find someone than them – I had to wait for the best.  The best would obviously come in the packaging I desired too.  That was really the right thing for the Lord to do, since it was technically Him making me wait so long, ergo, I earned this glorious specimen.  Unfortunately, the Lord doesn’t seem to care what you think your merits are.

Forever Single.  Single Forever.

Twas the height of the pLandemic, when I felt that familiar disappointment again.  Getting to know someone who seemed like they might have potential, only to have those hopes dashed, thrusting me back to square one.  This time though, I was done.  After 20 some years in the dating game, I could not survive the pain of disappointment even one more time.  All those desires I had been convinced were given to me and put on my heart from the Lord, must not have been.  Did I trust the Lord?  Sure…  I trusted that he would keep me single forever!  So, after my final grieving was complete, I decided it was time to shift my focus and build a life for me since I would be the only one in it.  I would make memories with friends and meet new friends and I would be ok being the odd number at dinner parties or the pity invite that got included at Christmases and Easters when I got older.  At least I was getting invited, right?  After a little bit of time, I had finally, officially, become ok with being single forever.  From therein, I went into events and situations without the thoughts that had been running in the background for so long; “maybe this could be the day” or “this might be the event” or “what if this guy…”.  Instead, I went about my days unfazed and if there were guys who caught my eye, I let the glance go because they were merely in my eye line.

Bad Boys, Bad Boys, Whatcha Gonna Do?

It was during this time that a virtual stranger started following me on Instagram.  This guy was most definitely “not my type”, but thankfully I didn’t have to worry about my irrational fear anymore since I had clearly received the gift of singleness!  I dodged a bullet there too because though he was a stranger, I recognized him from when I would volunteer at church and it never seemed like he wanted to be there, he had tattoos all over and sort of fit the look of someone recovering from an addiction or who had a stint in prison.  Don’t be offended at me people – stereotypes exist for a reason!  Also, I’d dated a few too many of those guys and learned my lessons, so hard pass on the “bad boy”.  But crap, I volunteer as a front door host at church and what sort of image would I portray if I was the friendly greeter at church, but a total cow in real life?  Ugh, fine!…follow back.

We were silent follows for the first few weeks, then he replied to a story with a thumbs up.  A silent month later he replied to another story I had posted about a book I was going to read.  It was then that we briefly started to chat.  A week or 2 later when I saw him at church next I figured, I should probably talk to this guy because it’s weird to have conversations over Instagram, but then ignore each other in person, so that’s what I did; I said hi in real life one week.  The next week we chatted a bit.  The next week we chatted a bit longer.  At this point I had a few people in my life take notice and give me that coy little nudge to insinuate “oooooh, who’s the guy?!”.  I would roll my eyes because he was not my type!  We got along though, so I would continue to get to know him and selflessly do recon so that I could eventually set him up with one of my single girlfriends!  Maybe someone whose type he was.

The Bane of My Existence

About 6 months after he first followed me on Instagram and a few church parking lot chats later, he casually mentioned we should grab a coffee sometime.  He remembers this differently – he swears he’s too shy and would never have asked that, but whichever one of our memories is right about it (mine), we ended up going for that coffee and then we just sort of kept getting together weekly.  Over the next few months he never made a move so I figured he wasn’t interested, which again, was perfectly fine in my books since he wasn’t my type, so we just kept getting to know each other as friends.  As I got to know him I found out he was never an addict, never spent time in prison and would actually get rid of all of his tattoos if he could.  He had gone to bible college, so he was technically a pastor, was getting his masters in psychology and worked for one of our city’s non-profit organizations.  Not a bad boy after all.

Randomly I met his parents the second time we hung out and over the course of a few months I met some of his siblings and I had introduced him to my cousin and her husband, who he got along with swimmingly from the get go.  Overall, he was a pretty good catch, but he wasn’t what I had envisioned myself with!  He didn’t meet the 6’1″ minimum and he had this beard.  A long, grey beard with a giant moustache.  I hated that beard and would try to gauge his attachment to it with probing questions now and then.  Turns out – VERY attached.  As our friendship slowly progressed into dating and I had the stamp of approval from numerous people, quite possibly for the first time ever with one of my boyfriends, I still wasn’t sure about him, but only because I wasn’t sure that I could ever get over that beard!

Nothing But Green Lights

I spent about a year torn over the beard.  Yea ok, he was kind, smart, had a career and his life together.  We had similar interests, similar humour and he had a bunch of the “extras” I wanted to find, but weren’t deal breakers if I didn’t.  Sure, I couldn’t come up with a single red flag or reason not to date him and he really really liked me, but…the beard!  I hated that beard!  My logical mind knew I’d be an idiot to let something as stupid as facial hair ruin a perfectly great relationship, but my Disney movies and rom-coms had led me to believe I should be swooning and wouldn’t have to debate anything!

This is where romance and/or love takes the “this is real life and not a rom-com” turn.  As I said before, we women (and maybe some men) let these false movie ideals dictate how we think we should feel and unfortunately, Christians have the added disadvantage of over-spiritualizing things!  Am I doing the right thing?  Is this the Lord’s will?  I can tell you this; I prayed and prayed, but never felt any clear guidance from the Lord.  If anything, His guidance sounded like my own sarcastic self reminding me there were no actual reasons not to keep dating him! It also took the very practical and not romantic advice of a few friends to (eventually) register some sense in me.

Here’s what one of my friends told me a conversation with her pastor was like during her premarital counselling:

“Do you like him?”
– Yes
“Does he love Jesus?”
– Yes
“Do you enjoy spending time together?”
– Yes
“Ok, you can make a marriage work.”

Wait, what?  That seems a lot more simple than we make it out to be!

Parallel Lines

It really bothered me for a time that our story wasn’t very romantic.  I felt like I was doing a disservice to him to have to think so practically about it, but here’s what’s interesting.  When I’m with new people and they ask about how we met and I share some stuff, they often tell me “that’s like a real life rom-com!”.  

Those extras I wanted but weren’t deal breakers?  I wanted someone musical, who came from a big family.  I also wanted someone who loved Christmas as much as me and potentially had the same ministry heart as me, which was for the broken, addicted, homeless, etc.  Well, he sings and plays guitar, has been in many bands over the years and still records music.  (He’s actually a Spotify verified artist.  Look at me married to a famous rock star!) He’s also the oldest of 7, might love Christmas more than me and has been in a career of helping the broken, addicted, homeless for about half of his life.

The more we got to know each other, the more we discovered just how close we were to each other, without ever meeting.  Parallel lines.

The first time I showed him photos of me as a 19 year old party girl, he recognized 2 of the guys in my pictures.  They were his best friends at that time in his life.  

We used to hang out at the same bars and in fact, he used to play in a band at one of the bars I would frequent in my 20s.  

We lived in the same townhouse complex, only him when he was around 5 and me when I was 22.

I volunteered at a recovery centre every Saturday for 6 years and he worked at that centre for 4 years; 1 of those years overlapped yet we never met since he was weekdays and I was weekends.  I even remember a friend of mine who worked in the same industry asking me if I knew of him and she showed me a photo, but I didn’t know him and that was that.

We are only 10 months apart in age and grew up in neighbourhoods only minutes from each other, so we know some of the same people from junior high/high school or church.  In fact, I think he’s technically still dating a girl I knew from junior high because he never officially broke up with her.  Someone might want to let her know it’s over between them.  

My mom used to work at a bookstore that he would go to all the time and we found out a year ago that we went to the same daycare, at the same time!  All of these things, yet we never met.

And remember me saying that I wanted THE BEST and for people to recognize THE BEST?  Well, I’ve had lots of people tell me what a great guy he is and that I “done good”.  Quite frankly, he is the best, for me.  I can’t imagine anyone else being able to deal with my crazy!

Here Come the Pearls

So now that I’m this marriage expert, what can I tell the single ladies who’ve been longing to find someone forever?  Well, I’m not going to tell you it’ll happen when you least expect it, because though I’d hoped, I never expected so how come it didn’t happen sooner?  That adage is a load of BS.  And I won’t tell you to stay hopeful either, because I know sometimes you need to have zero hope for self preservation.  I’m not even going to tell you to lower your standards, but I will tell you to be realistic about them.  If you can’t watch Hallmark movies or rom-coms without daydreaming – turn them off.  You can’t have that kind of influence messing with your head.  

Another piece of advice is to build your life for YOU.  You are the only one who’s living it, so make sure you enjoy it!  Anything added to it is just a bonus!  And lastly…no matter how hard or how long it takes – wait on God’s timing.  I absolutely loathed hearing this before, but look how he orchestrated my story and I haven’t even touched on how we were engaged and married within 3 months with every detail coming together without any snags for the most beautiful wedding.  (A lot of which I believe has to do with God honouring us for honouring Him with our lives, but that’s a blog for another time…)

As I wrap this up, let me just say this to anyone who has also struggled with some unrealistic notion of love. Even if your story doesn’t contain fireworks, it doesn’t mean it’s the wrong story!

P.S. the beard is still going strong and I still don’t love it, but I hate it a little bit less.

Wear the Boots | Put Down Roots

/ Roxie / 1 Comment

Here’s the situation: They say good things come to those who wait, which I do believe, but in some instances, I think you need to quit waiting and just go out and get the good things for yourself!

It was the early 2000’s and my roommate and I were on one of our frequent Saturday shopping trips when I found and purchased my new favorite outfit; a cream cowl neck sweater, bootcut Silver brand jeans that had a rustic tan wash and a beautiful pair of light tan suede wedge boots, which tied the whole look together.  For as much as I loved that outfit, I rarely wore it!  Because it was my favorite, I wanted it to stay in mint condition as long as possible, especially those boots.  Now, for anyone who doesn’t live where I live, you should know, there is a lot of slush/snow for a lot of months of the year and light tan or suede footwear is a risky investment if you’re wanting them to stay like new!

After having only worn the outfit on a few occasions over the course of a few years, I thought to myself – I PAID for this outfit, I should really just get my use out of it, even if it does get worn out!  The very next time I had somewhere to go, I pulled it out and put it on, but when I looked in the mirror, all I could do was laugh!  You see, while that outfit sat in my closet waiting for the right occasion or the perfect conditions, years went by and styles completely changed from bootcut to skinny jeans and from wedges to stilettos and my once-favorite outfit, though still as pristine as desired, was no longer trendy and I would never leave the house in it now!  My intentions had been good, but in the end, it was a total waste!

I know that story is only about an outfit and it might be a bit of a stretch to compare the two, but I can’t help but relate that to how many of us live.  We have this thing metaphorically hanging in our closet the whole time – our lives – and we never get our full use out of it because we’re waiting for the right occasion or the perfect conditions, meanwhile the years go by!  We have good intentions, but our good intentions might be wasting our time or our opportunities, or they might just be a really good (ahem, lame) excuse for our inaction!

What If I Met Someone?

I had a lot more Rascal Flatts romanticism in me when I was younger.  You know, “God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you”.  Yea, that.  Every failed relationship was just one step closer to the right one, right?!  At least that’s what ballads and rom-coms will have you believe and friends will say to try and encourage you.  I guess nobody anticipated how many steps I might have to take!  As emotional as every break up was, and as hopeless as I became the more time that went by, somewhere deep down I hung on to ‘the next one might be the right one’ for far too long and because of that, there were things I delayed or opted not to do over the years, because, well, what if I met someone and that someone was the right someone?!

I was supposed to get married in 2007.  I had the church, the reception hall and the photographer all booked.  The invites were drafted (but not ordered) and my wedding dress was purchased.  Praise the good Lord above I came to my senses before the wedding day, but because it only 5 months before and not 6 months, I lost most of my deposits and I still own that wedding dress.  It was never altered, the tags were never removed and I can’t remember now, but I assume I wasn’t able to return it at the time or I’m sure I would’ve.  Since I was stuck with a dress I spent $1,000 on, I decided to keep it rather than try to sell it and potentially lose money on it right away!  I mean, I obviously liked it, it was paid for, but most importantly – what if I met someone?  I would already have my dress!  I gave myself 5 years to hang onto it.  Surely 5 years was p-l-e-n-t-y of time to meet someone new!

As you can guess, 5 years came and went and when I tried to sell it (for substantially less than I paid), similar to my favorite outfit, styles had changed and nobody was interested in an outdated dress, even as affordable as it was!  You’d think there’d be at least 1 bride on a budget out there!!  Now here we are, 14 years later and that dress is still in my possession and the only thing it’s been used for is a funny little photo shoot my friend and I did for my 10 year non-inversary.

IMG_4123 (2)

My intentions were good.  I was trying to save myself money in the long run by not selling my dress, but in the long run, my money went to waste anyway!  What about the other things I haven’t done because I was prioritizing good intentions and what if‘s?

I’ve been using the same queen-size Ikea bedframe from when I moved out for the first time in 2001.  I bought it because it was the cheapest one, but in 20 years I’ve had plenty of moments where I wanted to update it to something a little more grown up, but I continued to hold off.  Why?  Because, what if I met someone?  I’ve always said that when I got married I wanted a king-size bed, so it wouldn’t make sense for me to update my queen when I could potentially meet someone tomorrow and just have to replace it with a king anyway, and there’s no point in me already getting a king for just myself.

When I first bought my place, I was using a bookshelf and a dining table and chairs that I got for free because I couldn’t afford anything else.  As my finances increased however and I could finally purchase something I liked, rather than something I had to use, I held off, because again, what if I met someone?  Maybe they’d already own nicer stuff than me?  Maybe they wouldn’t like my taste?  Maybe they’d want to pick out new items together?  It would be a waste to bother upgrading these things, so I’ll just wait and see what happens…

Excuses Excuses

I’m fully aware that all of those things are inane and don’t really seem like that big of a deal, but I also know it’s not just me doing this!  I’ve heard others use this exact same reasoning (or reasons they use to sound more spiritual), only on a larger, more life-affecting scale!  I’ve known people who were hesitant to put down roots in a city because ‘what if they met someone?’ and that someone doesn’t live in the same city or lives there and wants to relocate, or ‘what if God calls them elsewhere?’.  I’ve known others who had the money to buy their own place, but wouldn’t because ‘what if they met someone?’ and that someone already owns a place.

When I moved into my place, I remember waffling about signing a 2 year contract for cable/internet (but I did).  “Oh 2 years, that’s such a long time.  Maybe I can go without so I’m not locked into anything.  Who knows what’s going to happen in 2 years time?”  Ummm yea, I do now – NOTHING!  2 years came and went, and then I signed another year long contract and when that expired, I renewed for another 2 years and just last month I locked in for another 2 years.  If I had actually not gotten cable/internet because I didn’t know what was going to happen, the exact same 2 years, 3 years, 5 years, would’ve passed anyway.  Years that I could’ve been enjoying my time at home with TV shows I like or streaming Netflix or having wifi on my phone.

And that my friends, is what we do.  We’re martyr’s to our maybe’s and because we put our lives on hold for uncertainties, we miss out on the tangible here and now.

Get out of your head and into your life.

– Jenny Acuff

Just Do It

Last winter I finally said ‘screw it’ and started to shop for a new bookshelf and dining table and chairs.  It took a few months, but one by one I upgraded to pieces I love and already over 6 months have gone by that I’ve had and enjoyed my new items.  6 months that would’ve gone by anyway, only with me continuing to hate my furniture, and for what purpose?  I live in this space TODAY, so I should create a space I enjoy where I’m at!  And this is what my life looks like TODAY, I should live it and enjoy it where I’m at!

Your life and mine, sure, they could change tomorrow!…but they could also not.  Do you want to keep living for what-if‘s and prioritizing good intentions to possibly look back and think ‘what a waste’ or do you want to pull your life out of the closet and get your use out of it now?  Either way the same time is going to go by!  So you may as well wear the boots!  If they get ruined, who cares – they’ll be out of style soon anyway!  And put down roots!  If God happens to call you elsewhere, then go elsewhere!  Now you have double the friends and a place to stay when you go back to visit!  If you can, buy your own place and if you meet someone who already owns, guess what?  You can sell!  Or they can sell!  Or you can live in one and rent out the other!  Cross those bridges when you get to them.  Of course, yes, please think about the future and even plan for it in a responsible way (spend wisely, save money, date smart), but don’t keep putting your life on hold for things that aren’t a sure thing.  Live today, TODAY!

So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring it’s own worries.  Today’s trouble is enough for today.

– Matthew 6:34 (NLT)

Hope Lost

/ Roxie / 1 Comment

Here’s the situation: The past couple days social media has been filled with posts about how hard 2020 was, but in spite of it all, people learned so many lessons and are hopeful and ready for 2021.  I’m having a hard time sharing this sentiment.  The last half of 2020 and even right up until New Year’s Eve itself, managed to steal what hope I had left.

How long do you suppose we’re supposed to hang on to hope for?  And I don’t mean in the vague sense of the word like “here’s hoping” or “fingers crossed”.  I mean like, actually believing for something.  Does that kind of hope have an expiry date?  Is there a time when we just need to let go?

Enough.  Enough Now.

– Love Actually

You’ve probably seen an episode of American Idol where someone with big dreams but no talent auditions.  It’s so cringy!  They actually think they have a chance, but as the viewer at home we’re thinking – this is never going to happen for you, you need to let it go!  I wonder if this is where I’m at now?  Am I the delusional hopeful clinging to the chance of catching my metaphorical “big break”?  Maybe it’s time for me to just accept things for what they are and try to move on, even though I know I’ll always be slightly disappointed.  It feels like that disappointment would be easier to deal with though than continuing to keep my hopes up.  At least I could live life for what it is instead of always anticipating what might be around the corner…and finding out, there’s never anything around the corner.

This is how I feel lately anyway.  I’ve been believing for some outlandish things for a few years now and other smaller things for decades, but I’m tired of believing for them without even one teensy, tiny little shift in my life to confirm that I’ve been moving in the right direction.  Actually, it feels like I’m somehow getting further away from them and I don’t know how much longer I can hang on.  I’m spent.  I want to give up.  My hope tank is on empty.

Crappy New Year!

I gotta say, I think Covid might be the best thing that ever happened to New Year’s Eve!  I hate New Year’s Eve.  I’ve hated it for 20+ years in fact.  It always felt like there was so much pressure on what to do, where to go, which friend group to spend it with…  And nobody wants to commit to anyone or a plan, because a better option might come along, so you’re left in limbo, meanwhile if you actually want to attend an event, you need to know in advance because tickets sell out, so it’s usually just stressful and a lot of build up for a total let down.  It’s especially uncomfortable when you’re single.  At midnight all of the couples turn to each other to kiss and you’re left awkwardly standing there until they finish so they can throw you a pity New Year’s high five.

high-five-fail

Thankfully I’m old now and don’t really care anymore and if I’m in bed before midnight – bonus!  Even though the pressure of New Year’s Eve has petered out over the years, I still don’t like the feeling a new year brings.  Other people tend to get excited about a clean slate and new opportunities and what’s to come, but after the magic of Christmas ends for me, I usually just think to myself, “great, now we start this same BS all over again”.

I suppose my January 1st “new year, new me” attitude would be more positive if I felt like I had anything to look forward to, but I’ve started too many January 1st’s with the anticipation that “this might be the year!!” and ended enough December 31st’s to know that it’s never been the year.  Even with my hope waning a little bit every passing year, there’s always been a small reserve in the tank, but 2020 seems to be the year that sucked that dry and if you can believe, it had nothing to do with Covid either!

Year in Review

January to July of 2020 were going really good for me, even with Covid being a part of our lives.  I was lucky enough to still have a job, a job where I could go IN to the office every day and not have to work from home.  My spirits were up because I had friends who also weren’t going to let the fear of Covid dictate their lives, so we went on adventures and explored new parts of our province and even odder, while everyone was in some form of lockdown/quarantine, I managed to meet someone!  I spent 4 months getting to know this someone too and was really impressed by this man.  Circumstances were a little complicated for the time being though, so for the season, it could only be a friendship.  But that friendship came with a certain level of curiosity for the future.  It’s sad to admit, but that was probably the first time in my life I feel like I’ve shown my full self to someone…and they seemed to accept it.  Like it, even!  For the first time I was experiencing what it was like to be able to have an open and honest dialog with a mature man and what it felt like when you’re actually treated the way people tell you a man should treat you!  Life was good, but it’s my life and what would I have to write about if things ever worked out?  Due to the aforementioned complicated circumstances, the guy needed to take some time to himself and figure his life out.

You know that saying “it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all“.  Well, whoever said that needs to give their head a shake.  I’m not saying I was in love with the guy, but unfortunately now I know what it feels like to be cared for and cheered on and unconditionally accepted, and what I assume it must feel like to be loved (even though I know he didn’t love me).  So now, I actually know what I’ve been missing out on and how to be treated and I have to try and find that AGAIN, with someone who’s actually ready for a relationship?!  It took 41 years to find a glimpse of that; the idea of finding it again seems impossible.  My brain and my heart and my very real reality can’t even picture how that could ever happen, but now how could I go back to anything less?

Maybe It’s the Indo Talking.  I Mean Endo.

Mid-July is when everything started to take a turn.  That’s when the guy ended our communication and if I wasn’t hurting enough emotionally, why not throw some physical pain in there too and have my body turn against me?!  What the eff, am I Job or something?  (That’s Bible humor for those of you that don’t know.)

I saw the doctor more times this year than I’ve probably seen her in the last 15.  I could share all the fun details of how I was squished and poked and prodded and violated multiple times, but I’ll give you the Coles Notes version.  Amongst a few other findings, I was diagnosed with Endometriosis this fall.  In fact, my doctor suspects I’ve had it all along!  Information that might’ve been helpful 28 years ago…

What is Endometriosis?  You can Google it, it’s nothing serious, but basically the symptoms are painful periods and difficulty conceiving.  As an extremely single women, with zero prospects, who’s a month away from turning 42, I’m not too concerned if I have difficulties conceiving, since the possibility of conception at this point would be as miraculous as Mary giving birth to Jesus.  As for the painful periods – uh, yea, I’ve been very aware of those since I was 13!  Moral of the story, as a first option of treatment, my doctor placed me back on birth control to try and normalize my body again and when I had the prescription filled the pharmacist said to me “pay attention to your moods, we’re adjusting your hormone levels and some women get depressed.”

stab

Now, I don’t know if it’s birth control induced mood swings, all of the changes that happened this year with the guy and my friend moving away and my cousin having a baby (read about it in The One Without a Title) or if it’s the January 1st funk of the pending doom of another 365 days of the same…  Maybe it’s a combo of all 3.  All I know is I’ve never felt as completely hopeless as I have the last couple months.

The New Normal

I’ve done the same thing on New Year’s Day for years now.  I pull out a journal and review the previous years goals, I write down some of the highlights of the year passed and I write out my goals for the current year.  This year though, I had a hard time coming up with anything.  Covid is still restricting us from so many things and I’m the girl who relies on future plans or goals, or something to look forward to or work towards, to keep me going.  I feel like that’s all I’ve got and without it, I don’t have a reason to go on.  I’ve said it in multiple blogs, why am I here?  What is my purpose?  I don’t have a husband or kids.  I don’t have my dream career or a job that any other girl couldn’t do.  I write this blog, but there’s thousands of bloggers out there to choose from.  I’m running out of reasons to convince myself why I even exist and looking into 2021, I just get sad, because it already feels like nothing could possibly change.  And when I think about that possibility of living another year and being in this exact same place in a year’s time, like I have been so many January’s before, I’m just done.  I’m seriously so over it.  I’ve clung to the hope of “one day” and “I must be getting closer” and I’ve prayed outrageous prayers for years with no changes and I don’t know how much longer I can do this for.  And even if by some miracle the world would go back to “normal”, after 2020, the normal I had doesn’t even exist anymore, so what do I have to look forward to?

One Day at a Time

I usually try to end my blogs on a positive note so I don’t sound like a complete Debbie Downer, but I don’t know that I have a great pep talk in me right now.  All I know is this – I don’t have the answers to my questions and I don’t know what 2021 holds, but I know that I’m closing the door on 2020 and some of the things I thought I was being led to, but have been proven otherwise.  My pastor said this morning to take back what 2020 took from you and it took my hope, so I’m going to try and get some of that back, even though admittedly, I’m actually really afraid to.  Keeping your hopes up means they have a place to fall from and disappoint you and mine usually do!  But, I will continue to pick myself up, one day at a time, put on a smile, even if some days it’s fake and I will keep going, because really, where else do I have to go?

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21 Questions

/ Roxie / Leave a comment

Here’s the situation: I like results.  I’m the kind of weirdo who wants to see how much comes out of the vacuum canister after I’ve cleaned or look at a wax strip once all the hair has been ripped from my flesh.  If I’ve been working out, I want to see changes in my body or if I’ve been saving money, I want to notice my bank balance go up.  I just want the assurance that the work I’ve been putting in is getting results and I haven’t completely been wasting my time!

If you’ve been single, or a Christian, or a single Christian for any length of time, you’ve probably been on the receiving end of some of the most annoying comments and/or unhelpful advice people like to give.  I’ve often thought of writing a book one day filled with these things to help prevent anyone from repeating them in the future!  I know they come from a good place and I appreciate everyone’s desire to try and encourage, but you should know, your words aren’t doing me any favors.  Here’s a sample of what I’m talking about, with a glimpse into what goes through my mind while I’m blankly staring at you and politely smiling:

You need to get married, it’s so awesome!
Right, ok, I’ll just pop out and do that because it’s super easy and I haven’t been trying to for 20 years!

Your story will encourage others one day!
Oh gee, I’m so happy I could go through this to make someone else feel better…

Then there’s these 2:
God’s more concerned with your growth than your happiness.  /  Focus on your eternity instead.
Wow, so encouraging, thank you oh sainted one!  How could my human nature possibly be thinking about wanting to enjoy this life, when the idea that there are rubies awaiting my crown in heaven should be enough to tide me over another 40 years?!

Hey man, nobody said what goes through my mind was mature!

Last, certainly not least, but possibly my least favorite:
BECOME THE PERSON, THE PERSON YOU ARE LOOKING FOR, IS LOOKING FOR
Insert eye roll here.  I didn’t use to dislike this one as much.  In fact, I used to think it was rather brilliant, but now it just seems to be a Christian cliché.

The Becoming

As a *cough*orty something year old, that line does nothing more than create frustration in me, whereas when I first heard it in my late 20s, it was encouraging.  After a series of unsuccessful relationships, it shifted my focus and gave me a project, and since I’m task oriented, I love a to-do list!  Plus, it seemed like such a simple formula.  Put in the work and get your desired outcome!  If, by chance, I was the common denominator that made every relationship not work, I was ready to get my crap sorted out and get this show on the road!!  The sooner I became, the sooner I would be found!

And so, armed with my revolutionary new mindset, I went to work.  I listened to messages about healthy marriages and watched couples interact so that I knew what to model myself after (or not).  I asked people around me if they saw an area in me that I needed to work on, but had overlooked.  I worked on getting my finances in order, because debt isn’t cute!  And since I was going to become this amazing wife that someone would be looking for, I figured maybe I should learn how to cook!  Over the years I built a simple, but tasty, repertoire of meals, not to mention my recent feat of becoming Suzy FREAKING Homemaker with the jams and the perogies and the cinnamon buns!

It’s now been at least 12 years since first taking the steps towards “becoming the person” and still nobody is buying what I’m selling!  Does that mean I still haven’t become that person yet?  Seriously, how long is this process?  Ok, don’t answer that, because I know what you’re thinking – we’re always in the process of becoming Rox!  Yeah yeah, I get that, but I know some jacked up people who didn’t have to “become” anything, so if I’m being required to, how jacked up am I?  How come it seems that some of us have to spend all of this extra time in the oven, when others are served raw?  And it’s not all frustration about “becoming” for a relationship.  Sometimes it’s the frustration of “becoming” for the future whatever-I-may-need-to-be.

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Purpose Driven Life

The frontal lobe of the brain is responsible for reasoning, motor skills, emotion and language and I’m pretty sure, like most, my reasoning and emotions are in a constant battle.  My reasoning side is what you may call a pessimist, but I call a realist.  It’s unnecessarily logical and always pointing out the facts.  My emotional side is like a dirty hippie named Starflower, who wants to run free, dance like no one is watching and believes dreams actually do come true!  In my case, reasoning usually muscles out Starflower and that might be a good thing most of the time, but unfortunately, it also gives me an overwhelming need to know WHY.  Why did certain people come into my life?  Or leave for that matter?  Why did [this] or [that] happen, or work, or not work out?  I need to rationalize, make sense of, or justify things in order to be satisfied with the answer.  I don’t know that I believe in coincidences, so there has be a purpose behind it all and I want to know what it is!

Everything Happens for a Reason

A few months before I bought the condo I’m in, I had actually purchased a different one.  It had my 3 requirements: it was in the neighborhood I wanted, it had underground parking and it had in suite laundry.  Bonus – it was also significantly below my budget!  I was so excited to have found such a cute little place!  I immediately started to plan out everything in my head; how I’d set up my room, how I’d decorate and what color I’d paint the place as soon as I moved in – I was thinking grey.  Of course, the place had some flaws, but no deal breakers.  The appliances were older and a few of them would likely need to be replaced within a year, plus the laminate was installed poorly and an ugly brown, so I knew I’d eventually want to change that too and I already knew what I’d go with!  While I was busy mentally moving in and entertaining guests, the lender was busy denying me.  The sellers had accepted my offer, I had a downpayment and I had a perfect credit score, how could I be denied?!  I was told that it had to do with the lender requirements of how the building was constructed of all things and none of it had to do with me!  It was completely out of my control!  The sale fell through and I was crushed.  How would I ever find something so great again?!

Fast forward 3 months to the place I’m in now.  It was a bit more money, but still under my budget.  It didn’t have my 3 requirements either, but it was only 5 minutes from where I wanted to be, it had the exact flooring that I would’ve chose for the other place, the appliances were brand new and it was already painted the perfect shade of grey (and if you’ve ever tried to find the perfect grey, you know it’s not easy!).  When I moved in, I didn’t have to change or update anything, or even plan to change or update anything in the future!  It also gets way more natural light than I would’ve at the other place, which I’ve come to realize is very important to me and even though I didn’t get my in suite laundry, there are 3 washers and dryers just down the hall from my unit and I can finish all of my laundry in under 2 hours – who else can really say that?  Oh yea, did I mention I have access to a tennis court and an outdoor pool too?  (Even though an outdoor pool is completely unnecessary in Canada!)

When You Haven’t Found That Reason Yet

I love to trace back and see what got me to where I am.  It’s that assurance that what I’ve been doing hasn’t been a total waste.  It’s that full vacuum canister!  On the other hand, when your path seems to have led nowhere and you don’t have answers to your questions, it can make the present difficult to accept.

By now, it’s no secret that I always wanted to get married.  To be a wife and take care of a spouse and live in suburbia with my husband was the apex.  I never wanted to birth babies or really raise young kids for that matter, but I always thought when I was older, it would be nice to have a family (of grown children).  And if I was going to be a mom, I wanted to be a young mom, however that ship sailed a loooong time ago!  Over the years I dated a number of guys who already had kids and I thought – if this works out, I get to skip the steps I never wanted to do, but get that grown family in the end, so this path checks out!  As you know though, things didn’t work out that way.  Or any of those ways actually, leaving me to try and reason why.  Why did the good Lord give me the desire to be married if I’m just going to be single forever?  He could’ve left that little part out of my DNA and I’d be none the wiser.  Why did I spend all that time preparing to be an amazing wife or learning how to cook if it’s only ever going to be for me?  I had no problem with my lack of kitchen skills or my sad diet of salad and rice cakes with melted cheese!  Plus it kept me way thinner!

As the aforementioned dream slowly died over the years, I had to find a new one!  In fact, the cookie cutter life that was once the goal, now seems too small!  Yes, I do still hope to get married one day, but living an ordinary life has become my greatest fear!  With the vision of my new future in mind, I can look back and recognize instances that would’ve been preparing me for where I’m headed.  There’s a snag though.  That new dream is nowhere near the realm of anything I’m capable of and far, far, far outside of my comfort zone.  So why did my original dream have to be replaced with something even bigger and more impossible, when I couldn’t even accomplish the small one?  Why does it feel like the path has been leading me to a place I can see, but am not sure I’ll ever reach?  And why is the person I need to be for that future, not the person I actually am?

Don’t Place a Period Where God Put a Comma

Here’s what I know.  I know nothing!  And I’m learning just how little I know, more and more every day!  I’m also s l o w l y learning to be ok with not knowing or being able to figure it all out.  Things (do) have a way of working out (in time).  Look at the condo; the second one turned out to be way better than the first, so I guess I don’t really need to understand everything, I just like to.  And all of those relationships that didn’t work and the impossible dreams that grew and the “becoming” I’ve been going through – the WHY’s will be clear one day and I’ll look back, as with everything else in my life, and see that there was a purpose in it all.  But for now, we wait!  …and we try to wait patiently, even though we feel we might be over baked…

Happy Anniversary!

/ Roxie / 7 Comments

Here’s the situation: It’s the 1 year anniversary of The Situation Room!  (Well, Monday officially)

This isn’t a typical post, but I thought I’d write a little background and recap of the past year, since many of you are not familiar with how TSR came to be!

The story actually starts 4 years ago while recovering from foot surgery, when I decided to try my hand at blogging.  I wasn’t that familiar with blogs and I didn’t read other people’s either, I just knew that I had more opinions than a Facebook status could hold and as someone who enjoys writing, I thought it might be a good outlet!  I also had 7 weeks off of work on short term disability, so perhaps I needed an outlet to feel useful.

I nervously published my first blog, July 5, 2016.  At that time, I knew I had a guaranteed 5 readers.  My “fans” as I jokingly called them.  5 people who liked what I had to say, enjoyed my style of writing and would always encourage me to write more.  Each post would draw in a few new eyes and it seemed that when people actually read my writing, they really enjoyed it as well.  I had hoped to stay consistent with the posts, but most times when I sat down to work on one, I would hit a wall and wasn’t able to get my words to come together; probably a good thing since my words were much angrier back then!  From the time I started, to around February of 2019, I drafted 25 blogs, but only ever published 7.

Check Your Heart

John Crist made headlines last fall and I’m sure it was not in the way he would’ve wanted.  I’ve had the pleasure of seeing him 3x, meeting him twice and we’ve DM’d about his shows a couple of times.  I found him very friendly, down to earth and for being quite famous (in Christian circles), he wasn’t arrogant at all.  I’ve met ordinary guys who had less time of day for me than John did.  When I was invited for a meet and greet at my second show, I was actually really impressed with how accountable he seemed to keep himself!  Of course, these are just my experiences and my opinions and yours might differ in light of those headlines, but whatever you may say, I can say that John Crist 100% impacted my life for the better, as ridiculous as that seems/sounds/is.

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Keep Portland Weird

My cousin, her husband and I planned a road trip to Portland, Oregon, in October 2018 to see John perform for our first time.  Since we were driving 13+ hours to see him, my cousin and I were going to make it worth our while and naturally sprung for the VIP tickets.  Our VIP package included early access to the venue and merch table, a backstage session with John, a photo op and a backstage tour, which unbeknownst to us, included his tour bus.  That was odd.  Pretty sure we looked at each other and said “are we supposed to be in here?”.

As I watched John from our front row seats, something within me woke up.  It wasn’t because I was a fan or awestruck by his “celebrity”, it was these intense feelings of jealousy met with empowerment.  Here he was, unashamedly himself, and loved and accepted by thousands of people for things that I’m afraid of being rejected for.  Not only that, he and his opening acts were these young guys doing what they love and loving what they do and what was I doing with my life?!!  I like my job and I’m good at my job, but is it my passion?  And what IS my passion?  I had to be created for more than just being good at admin and essentially running out the clock with a routine life until I died!  I came home from that trip with an urgency for change and a desire to do something big(ger) with my life, but I had no idea what, or where to start or what I could possibly change!

YOLO?

4 months post John Crist show (a little over a year ago), I was still antsy to do something (anything!), but I have a mortgage and bills to pay, so I can’t be completely irrational and do a 180º, just because I’m bored.  For whatever reason, the idea of a new blog came to mind.  I could do it without disrupting my life too much, but this time I would make it more of a priority than before.  I even considered sowing into it by buying a domain name.  I felt kind of stupid though, I mean, the trend of blogging had passed and at that point I had maybe 15 consistent readers that I was aware of, so who would really care what a nobody like me had to say, even if I did have my own website?  The urgency I felt when I got home from Portland was still there though and I told myself, anyone who’s ever done anything, had to start somewhere!

I narrowed down a name, somewhat of a concept and I even signed up for a one-day ‘Intro to WordPress’ course to cover all of my bases.  Since I already had a blog, most of it was just review, but with the course perk being a 4:1 student to mentor ratio, I was able to monopolize one poor guy and he showed me how to upgrade, purchase my domain name and link everything together.  Without him, I would’ve never figured it out!

With my previous blog, I wanted to be as anonymous as I could, so I didn’t include any information about me or photos.  As a reader though, I think it’s important to know who is behind the writing.  It makes you feel more connected and it gives the words more value.  For example, if I were a stranger reading my own blog, I would want to see this girl who often talks about her dating struggles.  Does she struggle because she never does her hair or make up and maybe she wears Winnie the Pooh embroidered cardigans?  That girls opinion would be moot to me, but if I found out she was normal, I’d be more inclined to follow her journey and open to hearing what she had to say, because I could relate!

High Risk | High Reward

I published my first TSR blog April 20, 2019.  It was just as nerve racking as the first one 3 years earlier.  Would anyone read it?  How would it be perceived?  How would I be perceived?  I can be pretty black and white with my feelings, so would I just offend everyone and be hated?  If I talked about faith or Christianity, would I get mocked and my opinions dismissed because I’m some bible-thumping Jesus freak?  They say to write about what you know, but if I wrote about what I’ve known to be true in my life, would I just come across as some whiny girl who felt sorry for herself?  Would writing about being single, inevitably keep me single?  Did I really want to let people all up in my bidnez and be that vulnerable?

What if I fall?

Oh, but my darling, what if you fly?

– Erin Hanson

A lot of things changed for me in the years since starting my first blog.  The majority of my remaining single friends got married, while others started having babies and my friendships inevitably shifted due to both.  I bought a condo and lived alone for the first time ever and dating was a fruitless endeavor, so the hope of one day finding a man seemed (and still seems) impossible.  After being very alone for those 3 years, a part of me died.  It was the part that spent so much energy being concerned about what people thought and desperately wanting to be accepted, and the part that kept myself in a box that other people had put me in.  In the words of Jo Dee Messina – my give a damn was busted.  As uncomfortable as the idea was of putting myself out there, I figured, I can’t be any more alone and I can’t attract any less men, so what did I really have to lose?  I like who I am and I think I’m funny, plus I’m half way to senility so I can get away with saying more, so I’ll just write and be myself and you can take it or leave it!

Ok, I Know I Said Take It or Leave It, but Please Take It!

“Even if only 1 person got something out of it, then it was all worth it!”  That’s a nice sentiment and I’ve said it to myself before, but it’s kind of a lie!  I put a lot into each post, so I want them to affect more than just 1 person!  I spend upwards of 30 hours rambling out an idea and organizing my thoughts to make sense, then editing and re-editing countless times before I finally believe in one post enough to click “publish”.  It’s a lot of work for something that’s technically a hobby!  Not to mention the knots I get in my stomach each time I put something out there.  I’m baring a piece of my soul and it’s subject to be judged or criticized, or worse, not read at all.

Last month I really debated whether I should keep this up or just let it go, knowing that I tried.  When I started the blog a year ago, with my big dreams in hand, I really hoped that things in my life would start to shift and maybe, just maybe, this blog was the step of faith I needed to take to usher those dreams into reality.  Unfortunately, nothing’s changed and if I’m being honest, almost every time I work on a post I think to myself “what am I trying to say?“, “does anybody care?“, “why am I putting in all of this effort for nothing?“.  But I eventually get something to come together and so far it’s been well received.  So many times I’ve felt like I was going through something alone or thought that I was the only one who must feel this way, but the truth is, there’s always someone who understands.  If I have managed to make even 1 person feel less alone through my writing or like they have a comrade in this life, then somehow it actually does seem worth it!

Started From the Bottom, Now We’re Here

Here we are – 1 year later!  It was my goal to try and put something out every 2 to 3 weeks or at the very least, every month.  Goal accomplished.  20 blogs published!  My readers have slowly increased in number and I have a stats page, so I can see how far this blog has reached.  It’s pretty amazing!  (Don’t worry, when you read this, you remain anonymous – I don’t know who you are, I just see clicks and country stats.)  For a nobody like me, with only a little over 400 Facebook friends and 200 Instagram followers, this blog has been read in 25 different countries.  It doesn’t sound like many knowing there are 195 in the world, but when I look at which countries, it’s crazy.  Places like France, China, Australia, Pakistan, South Africa and India!  WOW – so cool!

I probably still only know (in person) who a handful of my consistent readers are, but for anyone else who has clicked on my links, taken the time to read my posts, like my posts or given me positive feedback, I appreciate you more than you could know!!  It’s you who keeps me coming back to share pieces of myself, even if you’re a stranger!  And thanks to anyone I’ve wrangled into being my photographer to help me with the Facebook/Instagram clickbait, because there’s only so much I can do with one hand and a PopSocket!

So, cheers to another year!  (…at least, because that’s how long I’m renewed for!)

Don’t let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it.  The time will pass anyway, we might as well put that passing time to the best possible use.

– Earl Nightingale

The Upside

/ Roxie / Leave a comment

Here’s the situation: COVID-19.  Need I say more?

Where I live in Canada, we’ve just finished our second week of voluntary social distancing/self isolation or travel-related quarantine.  My city isn’t on lockdown, but many of us are doing our part to be proactive and “flatten the curve”, which is a term I keep reading.  Along with that one, every automated email I have got in the last 2 weeks seems to start with “there is a great deal of uncertainty” or “in these unprecedented times”.  It’s true, though worse things have happened in history, nothing quite like this has happened in many of our lifetimes.

Ignorance is Bliss

I prefer to live my life in a bit of a bubble.  I don’t read, listen or watch the news, because the news rarely reports positive things.  When they do, it’s like a 1 minute fluff piece about a water skiing squirrel or something, reserved for the end of the show; perhaps to leave the viewers on a happy note after spending the previous 29 minutes instilling fear.  My mom likes to remind me that I “need to be aware of what’s happening” and I’m not completely oblivious to things of importance, but I don’t like to inundate my mind with them.  Watching the news reminds me of going to the doctor for a minor thing and finding out some other major thing is wrong.  You felt fine all this time, but now you have something to worry about, only because it was brought to your attention.

I’d like you to find me someone who watches a constant stream of news and isn’t affected by it.  Generally these people are stressed out and filled with anxiety, yet they can’t figure out why.  This is why I prefer my bubble.  I don’t need to be over-informed and start having panic attacks over things I can’t control.  That doesn’t seem like a good use of my time.

Since I don’t keep constant news updates in my ear, I almost forget that COVID-19 exists.  My routine hasn’t had to change much either, so it feels like business as usual!  My work is considered an ‘essential service’, so I still go to the office every day.  My gym closed, but I was already doing about 2 workouts a week at home, now I just do all of them at home.  I’m single, while most of my friends are busy with spouses or children, so I didn’t see a ton of people throughout the week/weekend anyway and I have lived alone for almost 4 years now.  Netflix and podcasts were already my companions and loneliness coping mechanisms before all of this went down, so social distancing hasn’t been too much of a stretch for me!

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Silver Linings Playbook

One of my favorite pastors, Steven Furtick, said in his message last week that he’s been hearing “we’re all in the same boat”, but he disagreed and countered with “we’re not all in the same boat, but we are all in this together”.  Everyone is struggling in their own way right now.  The extroverts are dying inside (figuratively and literally), while the introverts are almost thrilled with their sentence to isolation!  People are being laid off or suddenly becoming stay-at-home parents or full time teachers.  Others are actually getting the virus.  It can all be a little too scary and with no real end date in site, it gets overwhelming.  I don’t want to make light of that or the actual struggles people are facing, but in these “uncertain” and “unprecedented” times, I’m trying to find the upside amidst COVID-19!

It’s March. In Canada.

I love my country, but as I get older, I’m beginning to hate the cold more and more.  Every time I brush snow off my car I mutter “why do I live here?!”.  But then I see pictures of bugs from warmer climates and it puts that into perspective!  If there’s one thing that Canadians should be able to agree on, it’s that of all the months this could have happened, March might be the best option.  Imagine this happened in October and the school year was indefinitely cancelled then.  That would mean an additional 5 months to home school on top of the current 3.  Imagine this happened right as the weather started to turn in June and we had to stay inside during our already abbreviated summer.  March can still be a little too cold, or snowy and the ground is soggy from the winter, making it difficult to do either winter or spring activities, so if we have to be stuck inside, it may as well be now to get it over with!

It’s Two Thousand and Twenty

I know a lot of people are bored and feel like they’ve already watched everything they possibly can on Netflix, but imagine having to social distance, self isolate or quarantine PRE streaming services/on-demand TV/smartphones or the internet!  Even though we are being encouraged to stay apart, we are still so connected!covid-netflix

If this happened 20 years ago, working from home wasn’t a simple alternative.  There was no file sharing via this mysterious cloud.  There was no video calling or video conferences.  That kind of futuristic voodoo was reserved for The Jetsons!  We can do all of our grocery shopping and have it delivered to our door without even getting out of bed and now we can attend church in our living room!  We have so much of everything at our fingertips and can almost seamlessly carry on with our lives, what do we really have to complain about if the hardest thing we’re asked to do is stay at home?

R & R

Busy.  Everyone is always so busy.  Ask someone how their day was or how their week was and the reply is usually “busy”.  We tend to live our lives in overdrive, moving from one thing to the next with no break.  Maybe it’s because we don’t want to disappoint anyone or maybe it’s because being busy makes us feel important.  Being accessible through our phones 24/7 doesn’t help either.  It seems a lot of people keep themselves so busy that when they’re given time to rest, they don’t even know how to do it!

I’ve never really been good with busy.  I don’t like having too many things back to back or always being go go go.  I could maybe attribute that to my primary love language of quality time.  I’d rather spend a fulfilling amount of time with one person, than superficial moments with many people in a row.  I know the times when I’ve kept my calendar stacked, I get cranky, I get run down and then I get sick.  I’ve learned that it’s in my best interest to maintain balance, even if that means saying no to some things and suffering with my FOMO later.

I don’t know if other people realize how important rest is.  When we get fatigued, our immune system is weakened.  If we’re worn down, we get moody, we can’t handle stress, we lack concentration, lose energy and we create irregular eating and sleeping patterns.  When you continue at a fast pace for too long, your body will usually, and without your permission, crash, forcing you to rest, often by way of getting sick.

Now that your calendar has probably freed up for the next month, maybe you can recognize where you’ve been spreading yourself too thin.  Were you always busy doing things you wanted to do, or were you doing things everyone else wanted you to to do?  Try to make the best of this rest period.  Maybe reset your priorities.  If God took the 7th day to rest knowing how important it was, perhaps we should take a queue from Him!

Arm Yourself

When was the last time you really appreciated the people providing services you normally take for granted?  Like, your delivery guy or even a grocery store clerk?  Or ladies, what about the team of professionals who keep us looking good every few weeks to every few months?  Seriously though, when have you actually thought “man, I’m so thankful this person does their job!”?  I know I’m happy they do, but I just assume they’ll be there whenever I need them.  I bet you’re grateful now for anyone who risks working with the general public so that a service can be provided for you!  You’re probably extra appreciative of the ones who provide a service that you need but can’t currently get.  I know I am!  And I know this thing better not last past May ’cause Imma need my hurr did and my brows done.

When was the last time you ran errands, came and went as you pleased or did the simplest thing like hug a friend and realized what a privilege it was to be moving around so freely?  What about the last time you woke up happy to go in to work?

When I interviewed with my current employer back in 2000, I had another interview scheduled the same day.  After leaving both interviews, I wanted the other job.  Their office looked like a log cabin and had a cute little reception area, while my office felt cold and barren!  Of course, it was the office I didn’t like that called me with an offer and beggars can’t be choosers!  I could’ve never imagined that when I took the position, I’d still be working there 20 years later.  I even quit for 2 years to pursue a different career and was offered my position back when the person who replaced me retired.  I’ve spent a total of 18 years at my office and unlike other jobs, there’s never been a day that I dreaded going in.

When this virus first started to affect my city and other people were getting mandatory time off, I was a little jealous!  But then stores started to close their doors indefinitely.  And then people started to get laid off.  Where 2 weeks ago it was just routine to get up and go in Monday to Friday, I now emphatically thank God every morning and every night for my job!  The job I might not have taken for some cute log cabin.

It is not lost on me how lucky I’ve been so far and I don’t know your situation, but if we choose to look around, chances are, there is somebody worse off than you.  Find something that you can be grateful for, even if it’s just the air in your lungs.  Gratitude is a weapon.  Use it.

Heal the World, Make it a Better Place

You know the saying “everything happens for a reason”?  It’s annoying right?  I mean, it’s easy looking back and recognizing where things did have a purpose, but in the moment, hearing that is like nails on a chalkboard.  I don’t think we’ll ever be able to look back and reason why this happened.  There’s just no point to this virus and it seems like it was preventable if it did start as they say; from bat infected meat sold at a market.

There’s a lot of conspiracies flying around right now too.  Population control, economic wars, the government’s doing, etc.  I’m not gonna lie, I do find some random virus that came out of nowhere and has the power to spread across the world and change the global economy a little suspicious, but we’ll never know the truth so there’s no point dwelling on why this is happening.  The fact is, it’s here and we have to deal with it.  All we can hope for is that we improve and grow stronger from this.

There are way too many negatives surrounding COVID-19, let’s try and put our focus on the personal positives we can find within it.  Maybe this whole thing is teaching us empathy or deepening our faith.  Maybe we’re learning to appreciate people in a new way and it’ll strengthen our relationships when we can all get together again.  Moving forward we might find joy in the simpler things and be grateful when we have to pop out to run an errand, rather than grumble or complain.  However this might be improving you, don’t revert back when life returns to normal, because it will.  We will get through this! 

Be kind, pray for the world, don’t hoard toilet paper and wash your hands ya filthy animals!

this-too-shall-pass

Raise the Bar

/ Roxie / 1 Comment

Here’s the situation: I’m getting annoyed watching so many people settle for less than what they want or deserve!  Keep your standards high and let people rise up to your level, rather than bend down to theirs!

People are waiting longer and longer to get married or start a family.  The reasons range from things like wanting to establish a career first, traveling while they’re young and free, or waiting until they’re financially ready for a wedding and a baby.  I have a lot to say about this and not much of it is in support of waiting as long as people do, but while I could argue the pros of settling down younger, the fact that I wasn’t able to, makes me appreciate this shift in culture!  Where I would’ve once been considered a spinster, now I’m just an empowered woman!  It has become much more acceptable to be where I’m at in life, which hasn’t always been the case, especially not in church culture!

“Normal”

My mom comes from a family of 14 children, most of whom had 4 to 5 kids of their own, so to say I have a lot of cousins would be an understatement.  Growing up, I had a picture of life; you graduate, you meet someone and you get married.  That was normal.  It’s not a message that was pushed by my parents, but rather something subliminal I picked up on from hearing about my many cousins who did just that.  In fact, one of my cousins was also my best friend and she met someone in high school, graduated in June and married in October.  She was 18.  I was 16 and a half.  I assumed by the time I turned 18, I would follow the footsteps of all those cousins before me, but that didn’t happen.  By my own definition, I’m not normal!

Party Like It’s 1999

I vividly remember being 17 and wanting a boy to like me so badly, but they didn’t.  You read about how I was a late bloomer in The Pursuit of Perfection, so guys weren’t even interested in me until I was 19, already putting me a year behind schedule.  The only reason guys started to like me was thanks to their beer goggles, but I didn’t care, I was finally being noticed!  I had quit attending church in high school because it wasn’t “cool” and I wanted to fit in, so if fitting in at 19 meant going to the bar with my friends and a side effect was having drunk guys look my direction, I was perfectly ok with that!

From about 19 to 25 I spent every weekend partying with friends, or “just going dancing”, as I told my mom before I moved out at 22 so she wouldn’t know what I was really up to.  I could regale many a tale from those years – they were a blast!…but I knew the days were numbered and that I’d eventually end up back in church.  As much fun as I was having, I still just wanted to be “normal” and get married, but I also knew I would never marry a non-Christian.  You don’t exactly cross paths with too many Christians while partying, and if you do, they miiiiight not be as Christian as they say (or if they are, perhaps they shouldn’t be interested in you).

As my friends and I aged out of the bar scene, they met guys and settled down and there I was; able to attract men now, just not the kind I actually wanted.

Prodigal Son

When I’d finally had enough of living the same weekend year after year after year without any forward momentum, I headed back to church.  Were my intentions pure because I loved Jesus and wanted to get right with the Lord?  No.  Hardly.  I wanted to find that Christian man.  Little did I know that at 26 years old, I was long past my prime in the church world!  You see, Christians used to get married (extra) young!  A lot of them met someone in youth group or they attended bible college right out of high school, aka, bridal college, so if you made it past 23 unwed, 1) something must be wrong with you and 2) you missed your window of opportunity because all of the guys were already taken!  When I did have a couple of “Christians” interested in me, I couldn’t afford to turn them down!  And so, for many, many years, I lowered my standards and tried to settle.

Oh Honey, No

I can always rant about The Bachelor, but this season in particular has me wondering – are these women extra awful or am I finally aging out of this BS?  And Peter?  He might be the worst bachelor since Juan Pablo.  This season is terr·i·ble!!  Peter aside, watching these women makes me sad for our gender and how low our bar seems to be set!

Being a pilot, it would only be fitting that Peter takes a group date to “Flight School”.  For the sake of love, the girl who gets motion sickness allows herself to be spun about in a machine that simulates turbulence.  A real metaphor for love, amirite?!  (Bachelor fans will understand.)  After she’s unstrapped, she heads to the washroom, feeling nauseous.  Peter goes to check on her and brings her a bottle of water.  She can’t believe what a gentleman he is.  Seriously?!  A guy brings you a bottle of water when you don’t feel well and you swoon?

It’s not just young girls on The Bachelor either.  Let’s talk about Dirty John.  Debra Newell, a successful business woman, falls for a guy she meets online.  If you’re unfamiliar with the rest of this true story, do yourself a favor and go listen to the podcasts (or watch the Netflix show based on the podcast).  Without spoiling too much, John turns out to be a psycho con artist and somebody dies.  Who and how you can find out for yourself.  Point is, Debra first fell for Mr. Crazypants because when they went on dates he would ask her questions about herself.  That’s it?!  Are we really that desperate or starved to find a good man that that’s all it takes to fall for one?  A man who asks you questions?!  This does not reflect well for men or women!

I can’t fault these women without also faulting myself!  One day a bad boy I really liked and had been seeing off and on for years without ever actually being his girlfriend, got a fish tank.  I swooned.  “Omigosh, he’s taking care of living creatures!  He cares about something!”  Seriously Rox?  Yes, he cares about fish but not you, you dummy!  Or there’s the guy who was rude to me, my family, to strangers, he only had 1 friend, no vehicle, no furniture and owned 2 cats.  (Never trust a single guy who owns cats.)  The only reason I gave him a chance was because he was “Christian” (he wasn’t) and he liked me.  Sooooo, that’s all it took to win me over?  Unfortunately yes.  I got engaged to that guy!  (To my credit, I did later break off that engagement!)

So why do we do that?!  Why do we allow ourselves to settle when we know we deserve better?

Tick Tock, It’s Freak Out O’Clock

I can’t speak for you, but if you’re a woman over a certain age (particularly a Christian woman and maybe even some men too), you’ve probably sensed the judgment of others or felt the pressure to find someone.  Maybe it’s entirely pressure you’ve put on yourself because the timeline you planned has passed or the ticking of your biological clock is a countdown for panic to set in.  I imagine I’m not the only one whose allowed fear or frustration to lead me into relationships with people I never pictured for my life.  You know, like the fear that if [this] person wasn’t interested in you, maybe nobody else would be?  Or if you upheld your standards and convictions, maybe nobody would ever meet them or you’d be left without any options and stay single for a really long time, possibly forever.  There comes a moment when you figure, you better take what you can get!

plenty-of-fish

And just because I’m a Christian doesn’t mean I don’t get super pissed off at God from time to time too.  He claims that He’ll give me the desires of my heart, but that hasn’t happened and I’m supposed to trust His timing, yet He’s sure not in any hurry!  Doesn’t He realize how old I’m getting?  In fact, this frustration perpetuates a cycle for me.  I get broken up with and after the crying has subsided, I decide that I’m going to keep my standards up and trust God for my future relationship.  After all, He’s God and must have someone in mind for me, so I’ll hold out for that, since everything I’m trying hasn’t worked.  After a couple of years of random dates with no success, my patience wears thin and I start to lower my standards again because keeping them up proves to be a lost cause.  The thing I’ve learned about myself, is that once I’ve allowed someone in my heart, even a little bit, I will start to like them, whether they’re the kind of person I’ve been holding out for or not.  I am a settler.  (Hello!…engaged to the rude cat guy!)  Unfortunately (and fortunately!), as many times as I’ve tried to settle, something deep within me has never allowed it…

Settle Down Now

Maybe recognizing my cycle was the first step to not being caught up in it again.  Unfortunately, I’ve known too many girls over the years who have successfully settled.  The wrong guy was interested in them now and they didn’t want to wait for the right one later.  At the time I was really jealous of these girls, because they seemingly got the dream, but looking at it now, when you have to lose who you are in order to get that, I don’t think it’s much of a dream anymore.  If I have to compromise my beliefs for the sake of a man, no thanks.  I’ll continue to hold out for the one I won’t have to do that for!  I finally like myself enough to keep my standards up and I’ve made it this late in life single, I don’t know why I would settle now!

Maniacal Laugh

There was a time when I was super bitter about being single and I would think – one day I’ll show you!  I’ll show all of you!  Everyone who told me I was too picky and everyone who told me to lower my standards.  I’ll get the best man out of anyone and prove that I knew what I was doing all along and that this is what you wait for!  …  But I can’t prove that yet.  And maybe I’ll never be able to.  So, how can I tell you to value yourself, hang on to what’s important to you and never settle because it will all be worth it one day, when I don’t have the success story to back it up?

Here’s what I do know though.  The girls who settled… The girl who moved in with her boyfriend in hopes that it would bring him closer to marrying her.  She’s still living with him all these years later, but not married yet.  The girl who told me she wanted a Christian but said they were too hard to find so she settled for “a decent guy”.  She’s not happy.  In fact, she might be the most unhappy person I know.  Or the girl who wanted a man to fill a void and give her value.  She got a man, but he didn’t fill that void or give her value so a man didn’t solve the problem.  So yes, I may be single.  I may not have the”normal” life I wanted and I may still be hoping that one day I can prove to myself that my wait hasn’t been in vain, but I can honestly say, I am more content with my life right now having never settled than I would be had I successfully done so!

Remember, it’s easier to set your standards higher before you meet someone, than trying to raise them after the fact.

The Unknown

/ Roxie / Leave a comment

Here’s the situation: I find the uncertainty of my future as a single, exciting and terrifying at the same time.  I both look forward to it and dread it equally.  What a fun little dichotomy!

At the start of each new year, I take inventory.  A look back on the previous year to see what of my written goals I have accomplished, in 5 separate categories: personal, relational, financial, spiritual and miracle.  Though the success rate is usually 60%, I’m still left feeling more discouraged than encouraged.  I had 365 days to accomplish big things, but what in my life looks any different, except my collagen and elastin continuing to succumb to age?  There were 365 days left wide open for miracles to happen.  But again, they didn’t.  And now, as I write out new goals, I have to muster up the faith to believe that even though every year prior seems to prove that miracles don’t happen, at least not for me, maybe 2020 will be the year to change everything?  And so, I enter another 365 days 361 days of the unknown.

Set the Thermostat to Tropical

My favorite thing about being an adult is the moment you realize you are an adult and you are in charge.  For me it was a little thing like – hey, I don’t have to eat the yellow Skittles!  I hate lemon flavored candy and I can throw them out if I want, I’m a grown @$$ woman!  Or after my first roommate and I moved out of our parents houses so many years ago, we realized that we are in control of the thermostat!  When I lived at home, my parents turned the heat down for night.  Why?!  I hate waking up in a cold house!  It makes it 10x harder to get out bed and leave the warmth of my duvet behind.  Every parent paying to heat a house must have a default “put on a sweater” setting built in to their DNA.  Well, no I will not!  I’m an adult now, I want to be comfortable in my own home.  If I have to pay a little bit more each month so that I can stay warm, I will!  I’d rather wear less clothes around the house than have to pile on the layers while INSIDE!  I’m not used to being consistently cold anymore and after spending 3 days at my cousin and her warm-blooded husband’s house at Christmas, my body temperature slowly dropped to where I think my brain function began to shut down and I started talking crazy.  I said to her, “I don’t know if I want to get married anymore.  I don’t want to give up my thermostat!”  I even went so far as thinking that those of us who have stayed single this late in life might actually be the lucky ones!  (Who am I when I get cold?!)

tropical

I first saw the picture above over 10 years ago.  It’s from a book titled Porn For Women, in which, photos of men doing household chores are paired with captions catered to what appeals to women.  If I die and someone goes through my Google search history, I was only looking to find this image!!

Serious as a Heart Attack

I’m an only child, raised by parents who stayed married until death did they part.  Romantic right?  Nope.  It became two people who coexisted for the better part of their lives.  My mom, Christian of all Christian’s, is almost too saved, so divorce was not an option.  This is a tenacity that few possess in relationships anymore and though there are legitimate, biblically acceptable reasons to get divorced, I was raised with the mindset that you did not do it.  Because divorce wasn’t an option, and as much as I can help it, I would still prefer it not to be in the future, I take relationships seriously.  I date with intent and from the moment I have even an ounce of interest in you, I’m paying attention.  Attention to the things you say, the things you do, how you act or react, your character, if I can hear you breathe or chew…  If things were to get serious, marriage is for life and life is a long time to spend with someone!

I’m Like a Vault Baby, Locked Down

When I was in my 20’s, watching all my friends find love and get married, I thought – as soon as I get married, the hard part will be over.  No more awkward first dates, no more wasting your time getting to know someone only to have them dump you.  NO MORE HEARTBREAK!  In my mind, once I was married, a man wouldn’t go anywhere and that had always been the problem; they were free to leave, so they did.  Therefore, if I could just lock one in, I’d never get hurt again!  [And all the married people laughed and rolled their eyes.]  Yes, yes, I know…  I’ve learned that a ring and some vows are no guarantee that you won’t ever be hurt again.  Not only that, but I’ve come to realize that getting hurt or heartbroken is actually a whole lot easier when you’re not locked in with someone!  And, it doesn’t matter how much you’ve vetted someone beforehand, you have no idea what the future holds!

Where Are They Now?

Ever take to Google to see what your favorite teen idols look like now or find out what they’re up to?  Some have maintained their careers and still look good.  Some, not so much and some you’d probably pass in the street and pay no mind because they look so normal.  It’s interesting to see how people change over the years, even the people you know.

Guys I’ve had crushes on in the past who were sooooo dreamy, I’ll see now and think, meh – they look like an average guy in their 40’s, because most of the time, they are an average guy in their 40’s!  Or there are the girls my age who I compare myself to and wonder if I’m holding up better or worse than.  And if I do think it’s better, I question if my self perception is totally warped.  Looks aside, there are people who used to be full of joy and have a lust for life, but they’ve become hardened and cynical.  Or those you figured would amount to nothing, but went on to do great things.  I’m constantly trying to improve who I am – how come some people share that drive, while others give up?

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.

You Can Lead a Horse to Water

Do you know what scares me now about potentially meeting someone?  Realizing that when you get married, you have no idea how your spouse might grow or change over time.  I’ve talked with numerous married people over the years and none of them could’ve predicted their future would turn out the way it has.  Some of them, surprised it is better, but some of them, trapped and unhappy because it’s much much worse.  There are silly things like the phases of bad fashion and awful trends we all go through and might have to put up with in someone else, but the serious stuff…the unknown…

You could marry someone who matches your energy and exercises and meal preps with you, but develops an illness that robs them, and you, of those things you did together.  You might have been drawn to someone spontaneous or a social butterfly, but they lose their adventurous spirit and become a hermit or depressed.  What about the well put together spouse you were so attracted to who lets themselves go or the spouse who vows to be faithful and breaks their promise?  What if you marry a dog guy and he turns into a cat guy?!  (Definite grounds for divorce.)  What happens when the going gets tough and the tough abandon their beliefs and turn their back on the faith you once kept at the center of your relationship?

My dream has always been to get married.  I’ve made a point of not settling, yet even if I met the person of my dreams or my “soulmate” (PS, soulmates don’t exist), people are always evolving.  I can’t control that person or how they feel or what they do.  I can’t predict the future.  The idea of finally finding what I want, only to later be unhappy or feel trapped…it’s a paralyzing thought!  I don’t want to regret my decisions.  I don’t want to be jealous of people living my old life.  I don’t want my answered prayer to become my next prayer request.

Look Into My Crystal Ball

If you had the choice to find out what was going to happen in your future, would you want to know, or not?

I don’t really like surprises.  I think it’s because I don’t like being unprepared.  I want to know what I’m getting into, in advance, so that if I need to, I’ll pack the right stuff or wear the appropriate clothes or at least have time to wrap my head around what is going to happen.  You might call me a control freak, but I just like details!  Mainly, I don’t like to go into things blindly, because I don’t want to end up looking like a fool.

In spite of my dislike of surprises, aka, my fear of the unknown, if given the choice, I don’t think I’d want to know my future.  I think it might be too overwhelming or too disappointing and if I knew what was going to happen, I wouldn’t need faith and I’d most certainly quit making and pursuing goals, especially if I knew it was all for naught.  The fun, as much as it isn’t sometimes, is in the anticipation.  The thrill of the chase.  So you know what?  Lets put on a brave face as we walk into an unknown 2020.  Lets hope that what we’re doing now will get us the results we want later and if we look like a fool, well then, I guess we look like a fool!

And cheers to us old singles who haven’t found ourselves trapped in an unhappy marriage yet.  …and hopefully not ever!  We just might be the lucky ones!  (And my brain has thawed, so that’s my sanity talking!)

2020