Marriage

The Unromantic Side of Romance

/ Roxie / 1 Comment

Here’s the situation: Sometimes romance is not actually all that romantic!

So, it would appear as though I’ve been AWOL from writing again, this time for almost 2 years now.  Oopsie!  What can I say – I’ve been a busy lady, because, well, work, friends, hobbies, fun and oh yea, I got married.  Surprise!  Seeing how I was the expert at being single and now I’m (obviously) an expert at marriage, I’m here to give you my pearls and I can sum them up really quickly too.  Mainly, that you, as a woman, have been lied to!  Disney movies and rom-coms – they’re lies.  And we know this on some level too, yet we continue to let them define how we think we should feel when looking for a mate.  Ok sure, there are the people who legitimately might feel all those movie emotions (sparks, clouds parting, birds chirping, etc.), but what I’ve learned is, aside from those people (who are generally highly emotional and often make unwise life decisions anyway), there are the rest of us and for the rest of us, romance is a lot more practical.  Romance is actually, not all that romantic.  It probably would’ve been helpful for someone to tell me this before I was over 40, so let me try to do you the favour!

On the Spectrum

Like many, I have some fears.  One might call them irrational, but how do I know that my front door is actually locked if I don’t check it 7 times?  I don’t call that irrational – I call it safe!  Another fear of mine that developed somewhere in my late 20s/early 30s is that I would marry someone who I was not attracted to.  This one didn’t seem all that irrational to me though because I had heard it so many times from so many women. Women who were not attracted to their now-husbands when they first met.  They were “not their type”, yet somehow they were won over (or worn down?).  I was even there from the beginning of some of these relationships so I heard firsthand how much these women did not like the guys who were pursuing them!  “Not my type” became such a common sentiment in love stories, that anytime a new guy came into the fold who happened to be weird or unattractive, I feared they would be the one that the Lord had chose for me.  The guys wouldn’t even have to show interest in me and I was already mad at God for making me marry this creature in order to teach me a lesson in humility.  Ok yes, that might be irrational, but I just wanted to be proud of the imaginary spouse on my arm.

If I wasn’t afraid of marrying the missing link, then my other emotion, on the total opposite end of the spectrum, was that the Lord was going to bring me THE BEST man!  Like, a guy who other women would look at and also realize was THE BEST.  These women might be happily married, but they would recognize amazingness when they saw it and realize just why it took me so much longer to find someone than them – I had to wait for the best.  The best would obviously come in the packaging I desired too.  That was really the right thing for the Lord to do, since it was technically Him making me wait so long, ergo, I earned this glorious specimen.  Unfortunately, the Lord doesn’t seem to care what you think your merits are.

Forever Single.  Single Forever.

Twas the height of the pLandemic, when I felt that familiar disappointment again.  Getting to know someone who seemed like they might have potential, only to have those hopes dashed, thrusting me back to square one.  This time though, I was done.  After 20 some years in the dating game, I could not survive the pain of disappointment even one more time.  All those desires I had been convinced were given to me and put on my heart from the Lord, must not have been.  Did I trust the Lord?  Sure…  I trusted that he would keep me single forever!  So, after my final grieving was complete, I decided it was time to shift my focus and build a life for me since I would be the only one in it.  I would make memories with friends and meet new friends and I would be ok being the odd number at dinner parties or the pity invite that got included at Christmases and Easters when I got older.  At least I was getting invited, right?  After a little bit of time, I had finally, officially, become ok with being single forever.  From therein, I went into events and situations without the thoughts that had been running in the background for so long; “maybe this could be the day” or “this might be the event” or “what if this guy…”.  Instead, I went about my days unfazed and if there were guys who caught my eye, I let the glance go because they were merely in my eye line.

Bad Boys, Bad Boys, Whatcha Gonna Do?

It was during this time that a virtual stranger started following me on Instagram.  This guy was most definitely “not my type”, but thankfully I didn’t have to worry about my irrational fear anymore since I had clearly received the gift of singleness!  I dodged a bullet there too because though he was a stranger, I recognized him from when I would volunteer at church and it never seemed like he wanted to be there, he had tattoos all over and sort of fit the look of someone recovering from an addiction or who had a stint in prison.  Don’t be offended at me people – stereotypes exist for a reason!  Also, I’d dated a few too many of those guys and learned my lessons, so hard pass on the “bad boy”.  But crap, I volunteer as a front door host at church and what sort of image would I portray if I was the friendly greeter at church, but a total cow in real life?  Ugh, fine!…follow back.

We were silent follows for the first few weeks, then he replied to a story with a thumbs up.  A silent month later he replied to another story I had posted about a book I was going to read.  It was then that we briefly started to chat.  A week or 2 later when I saw him at church next I figured, I should probably talk to this guy because it’s weird to have conversations over Instagram, but then ignore each other in person, so that’s what I did; I said hi in real life one week.  The next week we chatted a bit.  The next week we chatted a bit longer.  At this point I had a few people in my life take notice and give me that coy little nudge to insinuate “oooooh, who’s the guy?!”.  I would roll my eyes because he was not my type!  We got along though, so I would continue to get to know him and selflessly do recon so that I could eventually set him up with one of my single girlfriends!  Maybe someone whose type he was.

The Bane of My Existence

About 6 months after he first followed me on Instagram and a few church parking lot chats later, he casually mentioned we should grab a coffee sometime.  He remembers this differently – he swears he’s too shy and would never have asked that, but whichever one of our memories is right about it (mine), we ended up going for that coffee and then we just sort of kept getting together weekly.  Over the next few months he never made a move so I figured he wasn’t interested, which again, was perfectly fine in my books since he wasn’t my type, so we just kept getting to know each other as friends.  As I got to know him I found out he was never an addict, never spent time in prison and would actually get rid of all of his tattoos if he could.  He had gone to bible college, so he was technically a pastor, was getting his masters in psychology and worked for one of our city’s non-profit organizations.  Not a bad boy after all.

Randomly I met his parents the second time we hung out and over the course of a few months I met some of his siblings and I had introduced him to my cousin and her husband, who he got along with swimmingly from the get go.  Overall, he was a pretty good catch, but he wasn’t what I had envisioned myself with!  He didn’t meet the 6’1″ minimum and he had this beard.  A long, grey beard with a giant moustache.  I hated that beard and would try to gauge his attachment to it with probing questions now and then.  Turns out – VERY attached.  As our friendship slowly progressed into dating and I had the stamp of approval from numerous people, quite possibly for the first time ever with one of my boyfriends, I still wasn’t sure about him, but only because I wasn’t sure that I could ever get over that beard!

Nothing But Green Lights

I spent about a year torn over the beard.  Yea ok, he was kind, smart, had a career and his life together.  We had similar interests, similar humour and he had a bunch of the “extras” I wanted to find, but weren’t deal breakers if I didn’t.  Sure, I couldn’t come up with a single red flag or reason not to date him and he really really liked me, but…the beard!  I hated that beard!  My logical mind knew I’d be an idiot to let something as stupid as facial hair ruin a perfectly great relationship, but my Disney movies and rom-coms had led me to believe I should be swooning and wouldn’t have to debate anything!

This is where romance and/or love takes the “this is real life and not a rom-com” turn.  As I said before, we women (and maybe some men) let these false movie ideals dictate how we think we should feel and unfortunately, Christians have the added disadvantage of over-spiritualizing things!  Am I doing the right thing?  Is this the Lord’s will?  I can tell you this; I prayed and prayed, but never felt any clear guidance from the Lord.  If anything, His guidance sounded like my own sarcastic self reminding me there were no actual reasons not to keep dating him! It also took the very practical and not romantic advice of a few friends to (eventually) register some sense in me.

Here’s what one of my friends told me a conversation with her pastor was like during her premarital counselling:

“Do you like him?”
– Yes
“Does he love Jesus?”
– Yes
“Do you enjoy spending time together?”
– Yes
“Ok, you can make a marriage work.”

Wait, what?  That seems a lot more simple than we make it out to be!

Parallel Lines

It really bothered me for a time that our story wasn’t very romantic.  I felt like I was doing a disservice to him to have to think so practically about it, but here’s what’s interesting.  When I’m with new people and they ask about how we met and I share some stuff, they often tell me “that’s like a real life rom-com!”.  

Those extras I wanted but weren’t deal breakers?  I wanted someone musical, who came from a big family.  I also wanted someone who loved Christmas as much as me and potentially had the same ministry heart as me, which was for the broken, addicted, homeless, etc.  Well, he sings and plays guitar, has been in many bands over the years and still records music.  (He’s actually a Spotify verified artist.  Look at me married to a famous rock star!) He’s also the oldest of 7, might love Christmas more than me and has been in a career of helping the broken, addicted, homeless for about half of his life.

The more we got to know each other, the more we discovered just how close we were to each other, without ever meeting.  Parallel lines.

The first time I showed him photos of me as a 19 year old party girl, he recognized 2 of the guys in my pictures.  They were his best friends at that time in his life.  

We used to hang out at the same bars and in fact, he used to play in a band at one of the bars I would frequent in my 20s.  

We lived in the same townhouse complex, only him when he was around 5 and me when I was 22.

I volunteered at a recovery centre every Saturday for 6 years and he worked at that centre for 4 years; 1 of those years overlapped yet we never met since he was weekdays and I was weekends.  I even remember a friend of mine who worked in the same industry asking me if I knew of him and she showed me a photo, but I didn’t know him and that was that.

We are only 10 months apart in age and grew up in neighbourhoods only minutes from each other, so we know some of the same people from junior high/high school or church.  In fact, I think he’s technically still dating a girl I knew from junior high because he never officially broke up with her.  Someone might want to let her know it’s over between them.  

My mom used to work at a bookstore that he would go to all the time and we found out a year ago that we went to the same daycare, at the same time!  All of these things, yet we never met.

And remember me saying that I wanted THE BEST and for people to recognize THE BEST?  Well, I’ve had lots of people tell me what a great guy he is and that I “done good”.  Quite frankly, he is the best, for me.  I can’t imagine anyone else being able to deal with my crazy!

Here Come the Pearls

So now that I’m this marriage expert, what can I tell the single ladies who’ve been longing to find someone forever?  Well, I’m not going to tell you it’ll happen when you least expect it, because though I’d hoped, I never expected so how come it didn’t happen sooner?  That adage is a load of BS.  And I won’t tell you to stay hopeful either, because I know sometimes you need to have zero hope for self preservation.  I’m not even going to tell you to lower your standards, but I will tell you to be realistic about them.  If you can’t watch Hallmark movies or rom-coms without daydreaming – turn them off.  You can’t have that kind of influence messing with your head.  

Another piece of advice is to build your life for YOU.  You are the only one who’s living it, so make sure you enjoy it!  Anything added to it is just a bonus!  And lastly…no matter how hard or how long it takes – wait on God’s timing.  I absolutely loathed hearing this before, but look how he orchestrated my story and I haven’t even touched on how we were engaged and married within 3 months with every detail coming together without any snags for the most beautiful wedding.  (A lot of which I believe has to do with God honouring us for honouring Him with our lives, but that’s a blog for another time…)

As I wrap this up, let me just say this to anyone who has also struggled with some unrealistic notion of love. Even if your story doesn’t contain fireworks, it doesn’t mean it’s the wrong story!

P.S. the beard is still going strong and I still don’t love it, but I hate it a little bit less.

Game Changer

/ Roxie / 6 Comments

Here’s the situation: I never thought finding love would be one of life’s challenges.  As I get older and it continues to evade me, I’m starting to wonder how anyone has ever successfully accomplished it.

Rom-coms.  The story lines are predictable, unoriginal and recycled every few years, but it doesn’t matter, I still love ’em!  Specifically Adam Sandler ones; I can’t explain.  My head’s not so far up in the clouds though that I can’t see how far fetched, implausible and unhealthy they actually are!  Have you ever kept track of the timeline in a romance movie?  Generally from when the couple meets until they are professing their undying love for each other, maybe 2 weeks have passed.

If movies were true to life and you had a friend telling you about their new love interest, which reflected the plot of some of our favorites, you’d likely question their overall stability.  And if you were a good friend, you’d probably give them some unwanted advice!  Let’s look at Titanic, Pretty Woman, The Holiday and Romeo and Juliet (the version with Leonardo DiCaprio is the only one I’ll watch, of course) – Rose cheated on her fiancé with Jack.  Vivian is a hooker.  Graham knocks on the door of Amanda Woods, a total stranger, and an hour later they have sex and Romeo kills himself over Juliet, then Juliet kills herself over Romeo.  Shakespeare tells us Juliet is 13 and guesses are Romeo would be around 16.  This is not romantic, this is crazy!  These people make terrible life choices but for some reason we lose all logic and wish our love stories were that magical.   (Until the person who cheated on their fiancé with you, cheats on you with someone else…)

Bad Boys, Bad Boys, Whatcha Gonna Do?

Another popular plot is that of the bad boy who changes their bad boy ways for a girl.  Ryan Gosling did it for Emma Stone in Crazy, Stupid, Love.  Barney Stinson did it for Robin in How I Met Your Mother.  Heck, even Dexter, who is supposedly devoid of human emotion, with no interest in romance, fell in love with 2 women.  Ok so he’s the exception and didn’t change his murderous ways for them, but he’s not supposed to be capable of love and even he fell in love!  We love these story lines!  If you ever watched The OC, you can’t tell me you weren’t hoping that Volchok would become a nice guy when he went to the prom with Marissa!  It’s what we root for!  Guys often wonder why girls date jerks or are attracted to bad boys, or why any woman would seek after a man in prison.  I think the misconception is that women want to change men, but I’m more convinced that women idealize the notion that a man would change for her.

Da-Na-Na-Na, Da-Na-Na-Na (Ch Ch)

I think it was Beverly Hills 90210 that made the bad boy appealing to me.  Of all the years I watched, one scene still stands out, because I remember thinking it was so romantic.  It giphyshouldn’t surprise you that I own seasons 1 to 5 on DVD, so because I have half of the show at my fingertips, I did some digging to find that scene.  It was season 1, the original air date was January 3, 1991 and fittingly enough, the episode was titled Isn’t It Romantic?

Brenda and bad boy Dylan blow off a movie and go back to his place, which happens to be a hotel suite, because it’s Beverly Hills and that’s where people live apparently.  He’s surprised to find his father back in town and hosting a business meeting “at home”.  His dad pulls him into another room and you can hear the muffled yells of an argument.  Dylan comes out of the room, walks to the bar to pour himself a drink and Brenda says “you don’t drink do you?”, to which Dylan wittingly replies “only at family reunions.”  Brenda pleads “c’mon don’t, you’re driving me home!” and a brooding Dylan rasps “come on, let’s get outta here.”  He storms out of the hotel with Brenda in tow, clapping back as she tries to appease the situation.  They end up in a screaming match, he breaks a flower pot and she runs away.  He chases after her, grabs her and holds her tight, all the while apologizing.  She exclaims “you’re scaring me” and with remorseful tear-filled eyes, Dylan calms down, they embrace, then share their first kiss.  A week later he’s a changed man and they’re a full blown couple.  Isn’t it romantic?  Hmmm, not really actually.  29 years later I can see the red flags more than the romance, but as a preteen, it seemed like such a romantic gesture!  Dylan liked her enough to chase after her.  Dylan liked her enough to tame his bad boy ways!

I was personally afflicted with the bad boy bug for many years for a few different reasons; low self esteem, finding ‘safety’ in someone who other people wouldn’t mess with, etc.  I had no intention of changing them, but I certainly enjoyed the idea that maybe they would and it would all be because of their love for me!!  *sigh*  Looking back I think I was more interested in the story that could-be, than the guys themselves.  And spoiler alert – they never changed.  Not for me at least.

MythBusters

Sometimes our own conclusion about why things didn’t work out makes it easier for us to swallow.  But then we see what didn’t work for us, work for someone else and our theory gets blown out of the water.

I can say with all certainty that being a Christian has largely contributed to why I’m still single.  It’s always been a deal breaker.  A guy may be interested and he may even know I’m a Christian, but after finding out that I actually live like one, there’s a guy-shaped hole in the door – he can’t get out fast enough!  Any boyfriends who were willing to come to church with me, promptly broke up with me and sometimes even just male friends who came quit talking to me within the week.  I became afraid to tell any guy I liked just how Christian I was, since I knew it started the countdown to the end of the relationship.  I know at least 5 girls though, who successfully and non-intentionally “missionary dated”.  The guys who were willing to go to church with them, became Christians, had their lives radically changed and went on to marry those girls.  (And if you’re wondering why I don’t just date Christians in the first place – it’s my preference and I try to, but it’s hard finding one!)

For many years I assumed I was single because I wasn’t attractive enough.  You might remember me telling you about two guys in particular who made me feel this way; the one who wouldn’t date me because I “wasn’t his type” and the other one who “only dated models”.  When I found out they were married, naturally I assumed their wives would be stunning.  I mean, they must’ve married the hottest girls.  Thanks to the magic of Facebook, I’ve seen pictures of their wives and you know what?  They’re super plain!  Nothing that would stand out in a crowd, certainly not models and if I’m being completely petty, I think I’m way more attractive!

I went on a few dates with a guy who turned out to be a total player.  I quite liked him but he told me he didn’t want a girlfriend, because he just wanted to “get his rocks off”.  That player got married and had kids.  A different guy I was interested in, met one of my friend’s coworkers at a work event.  I was very threatened by this.  This girl was beautiful, young, fun and confident.  She’s the kind of girl that girls want to be and that guys want to be with.  I knew if she was also interested in him and he was given the choice between the two of us, he’d pick her.  To my surprise, he didn’t like her.  (He didn’t like me either.)  After spending a brief amount of time with her, he had some legitimate problems with her character and expressed to my friend how disinterested he was.  Seven days later though, he started spending all of his free time with her.  Whaaa?  Did I miss something here?!

I’m really happy that none of those relationships worked out for me, but it still leaves me to wonder – what made all of those guys change their minds or change their ways for those girls?

The Secret

A deep, healthy or even mutual love has been so far from my reality and seems so far from my reality, that when I hear other people’s love stories, it’s almost a foreign concept to me.  Like – that happened for you, in real life?!  A guy you’ve known for a month moved across the country to be with you?  I can barely find a guy in the same city who stays interested for a month!  A guy said “I love you” to you and didn’t later tell you he never meant it?  You mean to tell me you went on a holiday for a week and your boyfriend didn’t dump you via text message so he could have sex with a girl and not feel guilty about it?  Dang gurl, you hit the jackpot!

My friends have told me stories about something their spouse did that wasn’t overtly romantic, but showed how deeply they were loved.  I’ve seen the Valentine’s posts and anniversary messages of guys on social media bragging about how their wife/girlfriend is the best thing that ever happened to them.  Or more recently, about how there’s no one they’d rather be quarantined with.  I’ve known real life bad boys, jerks, womanizers, hot messes and Slutty McSlutterson’s and seen them change, soften, commit and care for a girl in ways you would never think possible, given their persona.  It’s all the things you’d expect at the end of a good rom-com.  Maybe movies aren’t always so far fetched and unrealistic?

So how does anyone ever successfully find love?  Is it just luck?  Is it right time/right place?  “When you know”, do you really just know?  WHAT’S THE GAME CHANGER?

I met a girl and she is a game changer.

– Ryan Gosling, Crazy, Stupid, Love (2011)

Raise the Bar

/ Roxie / 1 Comment

Here’s the situation: I’m getting annoyed watching so many people settle for less than what they want or deserve!  Keep your standards high and let people rise up to your level, rather than bend down to theirs!

People are waiting longer and longer to get married or start a family.  The reasons range from things like wanting to establish a career first, traveling while they’re young and free, or waiting until they’re financially ready for a wedding and a baby.  I have a lot to say about this and not much of it is in support of waiting as long as people do, but while I could argue the pros of settling down younger, the fact that I wasn’t able to, makes me appreciate this shift in culture!  Where I would’ve once been considered a spinster, now I’m just an empowered woman!  It has become much more acceptable to be where I’m at in life, which hasn’t always been the case, especially not in church culture!

“Normal”

My mom comes from a family of 14 children, most of whom had 4 to 5 kids of their own, so to say I have a lot of cousins would be an understatement.  Growing up, I had a picture of life; you graduate, you meet someone and you get married.  That was normal.  It’s not a message that was pushed by my parents, but rather something subliminal I picked up on from hearing about my many cousins who did just that.  In fact, one of my cousins was also my best friend and she met someone in high school, graduated in June and married in October.  She was 18.  I was 16 and a half.  I assumed by the time I turned 18, I would follow the footsteps of all those cousins before me, but that didn’t happen.  By my own definition, I’m not normal!

Party Like It’s 1999

I vividly remember being 17 and wanting a boy to like me so badly, but they didn’t.  You read about how I was a late bloomer in The Pursuit of Perfection, so guys weren’t even interested in me until I was 19, already putting me a year behind schedule.  The only reason guys started to like me was thanks to their beer goggles, but I didn’t care, I was finally being noticed!  I had quit attending church in high school because it wasn’t “cool” and I wanted to fit in, so if fitting in at 19 meant going to the bar with my friends and a side effect was having drunk guys look my direction, I was perfectly ok with that!

From about 19 to 25 I spent every weekend partying with friends, or “just going dancing”, as I told my mom before I moved out at 22 so she wouldn’t know what I was really up to.  I could regale many a tale from those years – they were a blast!…but I knew the days were numbered and that I’d eventually end up back in church.  As much fun as I was having, I still just wanted to be “normal” and get married, but I also knew I would never marry a non-Christian.  You don’t exactly cross paths with too many Christians while partying, and if you do, they miiiiight not be as Christian as they say (or if they are, perhaps they shouldn’t be interested in you).

As my friends and I aged out of the bar scene, they met guys and settled down and there I was; able to attract men now, just not the kind I actually wanted.

Prodigal Son

When I’d finally had enough of living the same weekend year after year after year without any forward momentum, I headed back to church.  Were my intentions pure because I loved Jesus and wanted to get right with the Lord?  No.  Hardly.  I wanted to find that Christian man.  Little did I know that at 26 years old, I was long past my prime in the church world!  You see, Christians used to get married (extra) young!  A lot of them met someone in youth group or they attended bible college right out of high school, aka, bridal college, so if you made it past 23 unwed, 1) something must be wrong with you and 2) you missed your window of opportunity because all of the guys were already taken!  When I did have a couple of “Christians” interested in me, I couldn’t afford to turn them down!  And so, for many, many years, I lowered my standards and tried to settle.

Oh Honey, No

I can always rant about The Bachelor, but this season in particular has me wondering – are these women extra awful or am I finally aging out of this BS?  And Peter?  He might be the worst bachelor since Juan Pablo.  This season is terr·i·ble!!  Peter aside, watching these women makes me sad for our gender and how low our bar seems to be set!

Being a pilot, it would only be fitting that Peter takes a group date to “Flight School”.  For the sake of love, the girl who gets motion sickness allows herself to be spun about in a machine that simulates turbulence.  A real metaphor for love, amirite?!  (Bachelor fans will understand.)  After she’s unstrapped, she heads to the washroom, feeling nauseous.  Peter goes to check on her and brings her a bottle of water.  She can’t believe what a gentleman he is.  Seriously?!  A guy brings you a bottle of water when you don’t feel well and you swoon?

It’s not just young girls on The Bachelor either.  Let’s talk about Dirty John.  Debra Newell, a successful business woman, falls for a guy she meets online.  If you’re unfamiliar with the rest of this true story, do yourself a favor and go listen to the podcasts (or watch the Netflix show based on the podcast).  Without spoiling too much, John turns out to be a psycho con artist and somebody dies.  Who and how you can find out for yourself.  Point is, Debra first fell for Mr. Crazypants because when they went on dates he would ask her questions about herself.  That’s it?!  Are we really that desperate or starved to find a good man that that’s all it takes to fall for one?  A man who asks you questions?!  This does not reflect well for men or women!

I can’t fault these women without also faulting myself!  One day a bad boy I really liked and had been seeing off and on for years without ever actually being his girlfriend, got a fish tank.  I swooned.  “Omigosh, he’s taking care of living creatures!  He cares about something!”  Seriously Rox?  Yes, he cares about fish but not you, you dummy!  Or there’s the guy who was rude to me, my family, to strangers, he only had 1 friend, no vehicle, no furniture and owned 2 cats.  (Never trust a single guy who owns cats.)  The only reason I gave him a chance was because he was “Christian” (he wasn’t) and he liked me.  Sooooo, that’s all it took to win me over?  Unfortunately yes.  I got engaged to that guy!  (To my credit, I did later break off that engagement!)

So why do we do that?!  Why do we allow ourselves to settle when we know we deserve better?

Tick Tock, It’s Freak Out O’Clock

I can’t speak for you, but if you’re a woman over a certain age (particularly a Christian woman and maybe even some men too), you’ve probably sensed the judgment of others or felt the pressure to find someone.  Maybe it’s entirely pressure you’ve put on yourself because the timeline you planned has passed or the ticking of your biological clock is a countdown for panic to set in.  I imagine I’m not the only one whose allowed fear or frustration to lead me into relationships with people I never pictured for my life.  You know, like the fear that if [this] person wasn’t interested in you, maybe nobody else would be?  Or if you upheld your standards and convictions, maybe nobody would ever meet them or you’d be left without any options and stay single for a really long time, possibly forever.  There comes a moment when you figure, you better take what you can get!

plenty-of-fish

And just because I’m a Christian doesn’t mean I don’t get super pissed off at God from time to time too.  He claims that He’ll give me the desires of my heart, but that hasn’t happened and I’m supposed to trust His timing, yet He’s sure not in any hurry!  Doesn’t He realize how old I’m getting?  In fact, this frustration perpetuates a cycle for me.  I get broken up with and after the crying has subsided, I decide that I’m going to keep my standards up and trust God for my future relationship.  After all, He’s God and must have someone in mind for me, so I’ll hold out for that, since everything I’m trying hasn’t worked.  After a couple of years of random dates with no success, my patience wears thin and I start to lower my standards again because keeping them up proves to be a lost cause.  The thing I’ve learned about myself, is that once I’ve allowed someone in my heart, even a little bit, I will start to like them, whether they’re the kind of person I’ve been holding out for or not.  I am a settler.  (Hello!…engaged to the rude cat guy!)  Unfortunately (and fortunately!), as many times as I’ve tried to settle, something deep within me has never allowed it…

Settle Down Now

Maybe recognizing my cycle was the first step to not being caught up in it again.  Unfortunately, I’ve known too many girls over the years who have successfully settled.  The wrong guy was interested in them now and they didn’t want to wait for the right one later.  At the time I was really jealous of these girls, because they seemingly got the dream, but looking at it now, when you have to lose who you are in order to get that, I don’t think it’s much of a dream anymore.  If I have to compromise my beliefs for the sake of a man, no thanks.  I’ll continue to hold out for the one I won’t have to do that for!  I finally like myself enough to keep my standards up and I’ve made it this late in life single, I don’t know why I would settle now!

Maniacal Laugh

There was a time when I was super bitter about being single and I would think – one day I’ll show you!  I’ll show all of you!  Everyone who told me I was too picky and everyone who told me to lower my standards.  I’ll get the best man out of anyone and prove that I knew what I was doing all along and that this is what you wait for!  …  But I can’t prove that yet.  And maybe I’ll never be able to.  So, how can I tell you to value yourself, hang on to what’s important to you and never settle because it will all be worth it one day, when I don’t have the success story to back it up?

Here’s what I do know though.  The girls who settled… The girl who moved in with her boyfriend in hopes that it would bring him closer to marrying her.  She’s still living with him all these years later, but not married yet.  The girl who told me she wanted a Christian but said they were too hard to find so she settled for “a decent guy”.  She’s not happy.  In fact, she might be the most unhappy person I know.  Or the girl who wanted a man to fill a void and give her value.  She got a man, but he didn’t fill that void or give her value so a man didn’t solve the problem.  So yes, I may be single.  I may not have the”normal” life I wanted and I may still be hoping that one day I can prove to myself that my wait hasn’t been in vain, but I can honestly say, I am more content with my life right now having never settled than I would be had I successfully done so!

Remember, it’s easier to set your standards higher before you meet someone, than trying to raise them after the fact.

The Unknown

/ Roxie / Leave a comment

Here’s the situation: I find the uncertainty of my future as a single, exciting and terrifying at the same time.  I both look forward to it and dread it equally.  What a fun little dichotomy!

At the start of each new year, I take inventory.  A look back on the previous year to see what of my written goals I have accomplished, in 5 separate categories: personal, relational, financial, spiritual and miracle.  Though the success rate is usually 60%, I’m still left feeling more discouraged than encouraged.  I had 365 days to accomplish big things, but what in my life looks any different, except my collagen and elastin continuing to succumb to age?  There were 365 days left wide open for miracles to happen.  But again, they didn’t.  And now, as I write out new goals, I have to muster up the faith to believe that even though every year prior seems to prove that miracles don’t happen, at least not for me, maybe 2020 will be the year to change everything?  And so, I enter another 365 days 361 days of the unknown.

Set the Thermostat to Tropical

My favorite thing about being an adult is the moment you realize you are an adult and you are in charge.  For me it was a little thing like – hey, I don’t have to eat the yellow Skittles!  I hate lemon flavored candy and I can throw them out if I want, I’m a grown @$$ woman!  Or after my first roommate and I moved out of our parents houses so many years ago, we realized that we are in control of the thermostat!  When I lived at home, my parents turned the heat down for night.  Why?!  I hate waking up in a cold house!  It makes it 10x harder to get out bed and leave the warmth of my duvet behind.  Every parent paying to heat a house must have a default “put on a sweater” setting built in to their DNA.  Well, no I will not!  I’m an adult now, I want to be comfortable in my own home.  If I have to pay a little bit more each month so that I can stay warm, I will!  I’d rather wear less clothes around the house than have to pile on the layers while INSIDE!  I’m not used to being consistently cold anymore and after spending 3 days at my cousin and her warm-blooded husband’s house at Christmas, my body temperature slowly dropped to where I think my brain function began to shut down and I started talking crazy.  I said to her, “I don’t know if I want to get married anymore.  I don’t want to give up my thermostat!”  I even went so far as thinking that those of us who have stayed single this late in life might actually be the lucky ones!  (Who am I when I get cold?!)

tropical

I first saw the picture above over 10 years ago.  It’s from a book titled Porn For Women, in which, photos of men doing household chores are paired with captions catered to what appeals to women.  If I die and someone goes through my Google search history, I was only looking to find this image!!

Serious as a Heart Attack

I’m an only child, raised by parents who stayed married until death did they part.  Romantic right?  Nope.  It became two people who coexisted for the better part of their lives.  My mom, Christian of all Christian’s, is almost too saved, so divorce was not an option.  This is a tenacity that few possess in relationships anymore and though there are legitimate, biblically acceptable reasons to get divorced, I was raised with the mindset that you did not do it.  Because divorce wasn’t an option, and as much as I can help it, I would still prefer it not to be in the future, I take relationships seriously.  I date with intent and from the moment I have even an ounce of interest in you, I’m paying attention.  Attention to the things you say, the things you do, how you act or react, your character, if I can hear you breathe or chew…  If things were to get serious, marriage is for life and life is a long time to spend with someone!

I’m Like a Vault Baby, Locked Down

When I was in my 20’s, watching all my friends find love and get married, I thought – as soon as I get married, the hard part will be over.  No more awkward first dates, no more wasting your time getting to know someone only to have them dump you.  NO MORE HEARTBREAK!  In my mind, once I was married, a man wouldn’t go anywhere and that had always been the problem; they were free to leave, so they did.  Therefore, if I could just lock one in, I’d never get hurt again!  [And all the married people laughed and rolled their eyes.]  Yes, yes, I know…  I’ve learned that a ring and some vows are no guarantee that you won’t ever be hurt again.  Not only that, but I’ve come to realize that getting hurt or heartbroken is actually a whole lot easier when you’re not locked in with someone!  And, it doesn’t matter how much you’ve vetted someone beforehand, you have no idea what the future holds!

Where Are They Now?

Ever take to Google to see what your favorite teen idols look like now or find out what they’re up to?  Some have maintained their careers and still look good.  Some, not so much and some you’d probably pass in the street and pay no mind because they look so normal.  It’s interesting to see how people change over the years, even the people you know.

Guys I’ve had crushes on in the past who were sooooo dreamy, I’ll see now and think, meh – they look like an average guy in their 40’s, because most of the time, they are an average guy in their 40’s!  Or there are the girls my age who I compare myself to and wonder if I’m holding up better or worse than.  And if I do think it’s better, I question if my self perception is totally warped.  Looks aside, there are people who used to be full of joy and have a lust for life, but they’ve become hardened and cynical.  Or those you figured would amount to nothing, but went on to do great things.  I’m constantly trying to improve who I am – how come some people share that drive, while others give up?

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.

You Can Lead a Horse to Water

Do you know what scares me now about potentially meeting someone?  Realizing that when you get married, you have no idea how your spouse might grow or change over time.  I’ve talked with numerous married people over the years and none of them could’ve predicted their future would turn out the way it has.  Some of them, surprised it is better, but some of them, trapped and unhappy because it’s much much worse.  There are silly things like the phases of bad fashion and awful trends we all go through and might have to put up with in someone else, but the serious stuff…the unknown…

You could marry someone who matches your energy and exercises and meal preps with you, but develops an illness that robs them, and you, of those things you did together.  You might have been drawn to someone spontaneous or a social butterfly, but they lose their adventurous spirit and become a hermit or depressed.  What about the well put together spouse you were so attracted to who lets themselves go or the spouse who vows to be faithful and breaks their promise?  What if you marry a dog guy and he turns into a cat guy?!  (Definite grounds for divorce.)  What happens when the going gets tough and the tough abandon their beliefs and turn their back on the faith you once kept at the center of your relationship?

My dream has always been to get married.  I’ve made a point of not settling, yet even if I met the person of my dreams or my “soulmate” (PS, soulmates don’t exist), people are always evolving.  I can’t control that person or how they feel or what they do.  I can’t predict the future.  The idea of finally finding what I want, only to later be unhappy or feel trapped…it’s a paralyzing thought!  I don’t want to regret my decisions.  I don’t want to be jealous of people living my old life.  I don’t want my answered prayer to become my next prayer request.

Look Into My Crystal Ball

If you had the choice to find out what was going to happen in your future, would you want to know, or not?

I don’t really like surprises.  I think it’s because I don’t like being unprepared.  I want to know what I’m getting into, in advance, so that if I need to, I’ll pack the right stuff or wear the appropriate clothes or at least have time to wrap my head around what is going to happen.  You might call me a control freak, but I just like details!  Mainly, I don’t like to go into things blindly, because I don’t want to end up looking like a fool.

In spite of my dislike of surprises, aka, my fear of the unknown, if given the choice, I don’t think I’d want to know my future.  I think it might be too overwhelming or too disappointing and if I knew what was going to happen, I wouldn’t need faith and I’d most certainly quit making and pursuing goals, especially if I knew it was all for naught.  The fun, as much as it isn’t sometimes, is in the anticipation.  The thrill of the chase.  So you know what?  Lets put on a brave face as we walk into an unknown 2020.  Lets hope that what we’re doing now will get us the results we want later and if we look like a fool, well then, I guess we look like a fool!

And cheers to us old singles who haven’t found ourselves trapped in an unhappy marriage yet.  …and hopefully not ever!  We just might be the lucky ones!  (And my brain has thawed, so that’s my sanity talking!)

2020