Positivity

Wear the Boots | Put Down Roots

/ Roxie / 1 Comment

Here’s the situation: They say good things come to those who wait, which I do believe, but in some instances, I think you need to quit waiting and just go out and get the good things for yourself!

It was the early 2000’s and my roommate and I were on one of our frequent Saturday shopping trips when I found and purchased my new favorite outfit; a cream cowl neck sweater, bootcut Silver brand jeans that had a rustic tan wash and a beautiful pair of light tan suede wedge boots, which tied the whole look together.  For as much as I loved that outfit, I rarely wore it!  Because it was my favorite, I wanted it to stay in mint condition as long as possible, especially those boots.  Now, for anyone who doesn’t live where I live, you should know, there is a lot of slush/snow for a lot of months of the year and light tan or suede footwear is a risky investment if you’re wanting them to stay like new!

After having only worn the outfit on a few occasions over the course of a few years, I thought to myself – I PAID for this outfit, I should really just get my use out of it, even if it does get worn out!  The very next time I had somewhere to go, I pulled it out and put it on, but when I looked in the mirror, all I could do was laugh!  You see, while that outfit sat in my closet waiting for the right occasion or the perfect conditions, years went by and styles completely changed from bootcut to skinny jeans and from wedges to stilettos and my once-favorite outfit, though still as pristine as desired, was no longer trendy and I would never leave the house in it now!  My intentions had been good, but in the end, it was a total waste!

I know that story is only about an outfit and it might be a bit of a stretch to compare the two, but I can’t help but relate that to how many of us live.  We have this thing metaphorically hanging in our closet the whole time – our lives – and we never get our full use out of it because we’re waiting for the right occasion or the perfect conditions, meanwhile the years go by!  We have good intentions, but our good intentions might be wasting our time or our opportunities, or they might just be a really good (ahem, lame) excuse for our inaction!

What If I Met Someone?

I had a lot more Rascal Flatts romanticism in me when I was younger.  You know, “God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you”.  Yea, that.  Every failed relationship was just one step closer to the right one, right?!  At least that’s what ballads and rom-coms will have you believe and friends will say to try and encourage you.  I guess nobody anticipated how many steps I might have to take!  As emotional as every break up was, and as hopeless as I became the more time that went by, somewhere deep down I hung on to ‘the next one might be the right one’ for far too long and because of that, there were things I delayed or opted not to do over the years, because, well, what if I met someone and that someone was the right someone?!

I was supposed to get married in 2007.  I had the church, the reception hall and the photographer all booked.  The invites were drafted (but not ordered) and my wedding dress was purchased.  Praise the good Lord above I came to my senses before the wedding day, but because it only 5 months before and not 6 months, I lost most of my deposits and I still own that wedding dress.  It was never altered, the tags were never removed and I can’t remember now, but I assume I wasn’t able to return it at the time or I’m sure I would’ve.  Since I was stuck with a dress I spent $1,000 on, I decided to keep it rather than try to sell it and potentially lose money on it right away!  I mean, I obviously liked it, it was paid for, but most importantly – what if I met someone?  I would already have my dress!  I gave myself 5 years to hang onto it.  Surely 5 years was p-l-e-n-t-y of time to meet someone new!

As you can guess, 5 years came and went and when I tried to sell it (for substantially less than I paid), similar to my favorite outfit, styles had changed and nobody was interested in an outdated dress, even as affordable as it was!  You’d think there’d be at least 1 bride on a budget out there!!  Now here we are, 14 years later and that dress is still in my possession and the only thing it’s been used for is a funny little photo shoot my friend and I did for my 10 year non-inversary.

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My intentions were good.  I was trying to save myself money in the long run by not selling my dress, but in the long run, my money went to waste anyway!  What about the other things I haven’t done because I was prioritizing good intentions and what if‘s?

I’ve been using the same queen-size Ikea bedframe from when I moved out for the first time in 2001.  I bought it because it was the cheapest one, but in 20 years I’ve had plenty of moments where I wanted to update it to something a little more grown up, but I continued to hold off.  Why?  Because, what if I met someone?  I’ve always said that when I got married I wanted a king-size bed, so it wouldn’t make sense for me to update my queen when I could potentially meet someone tomorrow and just have to replace it with a king anyway, and there’s no point in me already getting a king for just myself.

When I first bought my place, I was using a bookshelf and a dining table and chairs that I got for free because I couldn’t afford anything else.  As my finances increased however and I could finally purchase something I liked, rather than something I had to use, I held off, because again, what if I met someone?  Maybe they’d already own nicer stuff than me?  Maybe they wouldn’t like my taste?  Maybe they’d want to pick out new items together?  It would be a waste to bother upgrading these things, so I’ll just wait and see what happens…

Excuses Excuses

I’m fully aware that all of those things are inane and don’t really seem like that big of a deal, but I also know it’s not just me doing this!  I’ve heard others use this exact same reasoning (or reasons they use to sound more spiritual), only on a larger, more life-affecting scale!  I’ve known people who were hesitant to put down roots in a city because ‘what if they met someone?’ and that someone doesn’t live in the same city or lives there and wants to relocate, or ‘what if God calls them elsewhere?’.  I’ve known others who had the money to buy their own place, but wouldn’t because ‘what if they met someone?’ and that someone already owns a place.

When I moved into my place, I remember waffling about signing a 2 year contract for cable/internet (but I did).  “Oh 2 years, that’s such a long time.  Maybe I can go without so I’m not locked into anything.  Who knows what’s going to happen in 2 years time?”  Ummm yea, I do now – NOTHING!  2 years came and went, and then I signed another year long contract and when that expired, I renewed for another 2 years and just last month I locked in for another 2 years.  If I had actually not gotten cable/internet because I didn’t know what was going to happen, the exact same 2 years, 3 years, 5 years, would’ve passed anyway.  Years that I could’ve been enjoying my time at home with TV shows I like or streaming Netflix or having wifi on my phone.

And that my friends, is what we do.  We’re martyr’s to our maybe’s and because we put our lives on hold for uncertainties, we miss out on the tangible here and now.

Get out of your head and into your life.

– Jenny Acuff

Just Do It

Last winter I finally said ‘screw it’ and started to shop for a new bookshelf and dining table and chairs.  It took a few months, but one by one I upgraded to pieces I love and already over 6 months have gone by that I’ve had and enjoyed my new items.  6 months that would’ve gone by anyway, only with me continuing to hate my furniture, and for what purpose?  I live in this space TODAY, so I should create a space I enjoy where I’m at!  And this is what my life looks like TODAY, I should live it and enjoy it where I’m at!

Your life and mine, sure, they could change tomorrow!…but they could also not.  Do you want to keep living for what-if‘s and prioritizing good intentions to possibly look back and think ‘what a waste’ or do you want to pull your life out of the closet and get your use out of it now?  Either way the same time is going to go by!  So you may as well wear the boots!  If they get ruined, who cares – they’ll be out of style soon anyway!  And put down roots!  If God happens to call you elsewhere, then go elsewhere!  Now you have double the friends and a place to stay when you go back to visit!  If you can, buy your own place and if you meet someone who already owns, guess what?  You can sell!  Or they can sell!  Or you can live in one and rent out the other!  Cross those bridges when you get to them.  Of course, yes, please think about the future and even plan for it in a responsible way (spend wisely, save money, date smart), but don’t keep putting your life on hold for things that aren’t a sure thing.  Live today, TODAY!

So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring it’s own worries.  Today’s trouble is enough for today.

– Matthew 6:34 (NLT)

IMO

/ Roxie / 1 Comment

Here’s the situation: There are so many opinions in the world and so many people who can’t handle other people’s opinions!  Why?

Do you know what annoys me?  I know, it’s hard to narrow down to just one thing!  When people make sweeping, matter-of-fact statements in a way that leaves no room for you to respond or feel otherwise.  “________ is the greatest musician of our generation, period!”  Or, when someone tells you what you or other people should’ve done.  “You should’ve…”, “they should’ve…”.   Thanks tips, it’s a little late now!  Also…all of those are just opinions.  Your opinions, and I might disagree with them.  My disagreeing with them doesn’t make me any more right or you any more wrong though.  It’s just a difference in opinion, but lately it seems like people cannot handle when someone has an opposing view!

I’m Just Here For the Comments

We see this overtly played out on social media.  Wanna witness immaturity in action – just go to the comments section!  To me, the comments are the equivalent of children holding their thumbs to their head, wiggling their fingers and saying “neener neener neener”, but sadly it’s the adults who are acting so ridiculous.

Our discomfort with an opposing view is another contributing factor to why we have such a cancel culture.  Don’t like what someone has to say or what they stand for?  Cancel everything they’ve ever done.  Disregard everything thing they’ve ever said.  Cut them out of humanity, their existence is now meaningless.  They must be silenced and we must be heard!  I understand if you want to stand up for a cause or stand up for justice, but also know, everyone is entitled to their own opinion and you ‘canceling’ them, isn’t necessarily going to change how they feel!  So what’s your desired outcome?  And do you think you can achieve it simply by pretending something or someone no longer exists?

A Christian, An Agnostic & A Muslim Walk Into a Bar

I’m fairly opinionated and at times I have no problem voicing that (often unpopular) opinion either.  I even enjoy a healthy heated discussion, but I learned many years ago that sometimes it’s best to just mind your own business!

It was a conversation I walked in on with 2 people I know very well.  One, a Muslim and one, well, just a loudmouth who loves to be heard!  They were debating the Bible and the Quran and women wearing a head covering.  I listened for a few minutes as the Muslim guy spoke about the Quran and the loudmouth about what the Bible has to say.  He actually wasn’t wrong, but he also wasn’t explaining the reasoning behind what the Bible says or old testament (old law) vs. new testament (new law).  It got to a point where I could no longer stand idly by and listen to a guy that does not attend church, does not practice any sort of religion and does not actually read the Bible, talk about it like he was some kind of scholar!  And so, I piped in.  All I wanted to do was give further explanation into why the Bible says what it says, as someone who understands it as an “insider”!  Instead, the loudmouth was now trying to lecture me about the Bible.  (Add that to my list of annoyances – when people try to educate me on something I’m actually more familiar with than them.)

That conversation was quite possibly the last time I ever voluntarily interjected when I wasn’t involved from the beginning!  What I learned from that and other conversations I’ve had, is that most times, people are not wanting to have a discussion to hear what you have to say from a curiosity standpoint.  They’re not looking for more information so that they can see another side or to change their own point of view; they just want to argue to try and sway you and if they can’t do that, then they at least want to make you look or feel like a fool!

Discussion Vs. Argument

Discussion – the action or process of talking about something in order to reach a decision or exchange ideas.

Argument – an exchange of diverging or opposed views, typically a heated or angry one.  A reason or set of reasons given with the aim of persuading others that an action or idea is right or wrong.

Opinions Are Like @$$holes – Everybody Has One

As an aside, why do we put so much stock into someone else’s opinion anyway?  They’re not us!  They didn’t have our upbringing.  We haven’t shared in our formative years and experiences, so they don’t have our thoughts or our feelings.  Have you ever wanted to go see a movie with a friend, but that friend says “it got really poor reviews”.  Ok, and?  It’s not going to deter me if I really want to see something.  I’ll make that judgement for myself.  Or have you ever read a newspaper review about a concert you were at the night before?  I have, many times, and while I probably thought the concert was great and enjoyed every minute of it, the writer spends the whole article criticizing everything from the opening act, right through to the encore.  Yes, well, that’s what happens when you send a 50 year old, hard rock loving man to a pop concert – he’s not going to enjoy it because it’s not his thing!  It’s an OPINION, but too often people are taking opinions as facts.opinions5 (2)

Or someone might voice an opinion on social media and within seconds, someone else is there to attack it.

“I’m really starting to be skeptical of the measures we’ve been told to take to keep ourselves safe from Covid-19.  Are they actually doing anything?  Why is the media insistent on perpetuating fear around something that has a 98% survival rate?”
– I can’t believe you would even post such a statement!  You should really educate yourself.  Hundreds of people are dying every day and you’re too good to wear a mask?!

…hold up – what?  How did one get that from the other?  That’s not even what they said at all!  And if you’re so offended by someone’s OPINION, there’s this little button that says Unfollow or even Mute, so that you don’t have to see what you don’t want to.  And you don’t need to announce it either.  “UNFOLLOWING.”  Why do we feel like if we disagree, we must disagree to the death?

Iron Sharpens Iron

As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.

– Proverbs 27:17 (NLT)

I’m sure you’re familiar with a version of this, even if you didn’t realize it originated from the Bible.  It’s a verse that uses something practical to illustrate a lesson.  I’ve seen an episode or two of Forged in Fire, but I’m no expert on bladesmithing (or whatever you call it), so the process may be different now, but back in the times when this verse was written, they would use one iron blade to sharpen another iron blade and in turn, both became a more effective tool.  Without the presence of the other, it was impossible to become sharper and both blades would be dull and useless.  I’ve always understood this verse to be something of two agreeable relationships strengthening each other, probably because of the use of the word “friend”, but depending what translation you read, sometimes it says “so one person sharpens another” (NIV).  Interesting.  “Another” might not necessarily be a friend, but I think the lesson can still apply!

Sometimes I feel like more people would be better off if they were like me!  They’d be organized, good with finances and their lives wouldn’t be so dramatic all the time, but I also know that I don’t want a world full of me’s out there – one is bad enough!  We actually need various personalities and opinions and I think opposing viewpoints can even help problem-solve at times.  Imagine you were trying to find a cure for a disease or invent something that would revolutionize the world.  What if everyone thought the same way as you?  Sure, you’d all be in agreement and everything would be peaceful, but also, no one would come up with new ideas.  No one would challenge old ideas.  There would be no progress.  So why are we so bothered when someone has a different opinion than us?  Our different opinions might actually be sharpening each other into a more effective tool!

Mind Your Own Beeswax

The few times I read the comments on a post of someone I follow, I usually find myself getting fired up and wanting to respond…but I don’t, because I know it’s not going to help anything!  Then I think about the people who regularly engage in comment wars.  They must be so stressed out all the time!  Life is hard enough, why would I voluntarily take on the burden of opposing your opinion?  And why do I care so much about convincing you your opinion is wrong?  Like I said before, it’s just an opinion and you’re as entitled to yours, as I am to mine.  I feel like people are afraid that if they don’t publicly oppose someone’s opinion, others will think that they agree with it.  Just because you don’t outright speak against something, doesn’t automatically mean you’re for something!  And I can tell you this much – resolution rarely happens in the comments section on social media, with strangers!

I’m not saying you have to like people with different opinions and I’m not saying you should blindly follow the masses either.  I just think sometimes it’s best not to engage.  Sometimes you need to agree to disagree.  Yes, think for yourself and don’t take opinions as facts and when you hear something, use discretion.  Use common sense.  Use logic.  If possible (like in real life), have a conversation, don’t have an argument.  Be inquisitive.  Find out why someone thinks the way they think without having an ulterior motive.  And sure, have your opinions, but be open to having your opinions changed too!  That doesn’t make you flaky, that actually shows you have character!  BUT…that’s just my opinion!

Distractions

/ Roxie / 2 Comments

Here’s the situation: I think we waste a lot of time filling our days with distractions, not realizing there might be a bigger reason why we’re doing what we’re doing

I recently got sucked in to an episode of Dr. Phil, and I never watch shows like Dr. Phil!  It was a long weekend, a friend and I had just got back from a really long walk and when we plunked our lifeless bodies in front of the TV, Dr. Phil was the first thing that came on.  I’m ashamed and embarrassed and what’s worse – it was 3 parts, so I even set my PVR to record the next 2 episodes, because I had to know how it ended!

We missed the first 20 minutes, but were quickly intrigued by the topic of a lady who had been catfished by multiple men and scammed into giving away thousands of dollars.  I’m talking thousands; like over $100,000!  She met these men on online dating sites, but never in person, 3 of whom she got engaged to after as little as 5 days, 2 of which engagements overlapped, and conveniently, the men always happened to be stuck in another country or in some other extenuating circumstance that required her to send them money!

This lady pissed me off!  She was mousy and insecure and would barely look up to make eye contact.  Every time she opened her mouth to speak, I got more and more frustrated with her.  How can she be so naïve?  How can she fall for what is so obviously a scam?  How can I reach through the TV and slap her across her stupid face?!

She didn’t compute that she had been catfished and scammed, so throughout the 3 episodes Dr. Phil tried to make her face the facts.  He walked her through a timeline of her relationships and the money she’d lost and the absurdity of it all.  Dr. Phil sent a staff member to the country and address where 1 of these men said to be, but the address didn’t exist!  Dr. Phil even found the real men behind 2 of the photos and guess what?  They weren’t the men this woman was engaged to, but rather, men whose photos had been stolen and used by the catfishers’ on their profiles.

When all was said and done and Dr. Phil had done his best to prove everything was a lie (even though she still didn’t believe all of it was), she hung her head and said “now I have nothing left”.  What she had, and lost, was really just a fantasy and a distraction from reality.  As much as I hated this woman, a small piece of me felt for her and could even identify with her.  (Is this that empathy thing people are always talking about?)

Little Miss Analyzer

I think I’ve done every personality test out there and the result is always the same –  I’m an analyzer.  I’ve also cursed every personality test out there, because I want to be one of the fun personalities instead!  Alas, they are accurate, I am an analyzer.  I’m always surveying and processing and calculating the information I’m taking in.  I’m like the Terminator.  You know how he would scan someone up and down and gather data on his little red computer screen eyes?  (That’s how 1991’s Terminator 2 worked at least!)  Well, that’s how I feel – especially when it comes to guys.  Brace yourself for the crazy…

It doesn’t matter who you are in relation to me: someone I’ve been friends with for years, someone I’ve been on 1 date with or even a stranger I had a 3 minute conversation with; I’m constantly collecting intel and asking myself 1 of 2 questions – could this be the one*? or could you see yourself with this guy? (Unless of course you’re married, then you’re dead to me!)

I know that makes me sound like I should have the shower scene music from Psycho playing behind me at all times, but I swear I’m stable!  I blame this romanticism on my upbringing with Disney and rom-coms and years of listening to real life couples tell the tales of how they met!  The normal and/or “we met online” stories don’t often get expanded on, so it’s usually the unique ones that you hear every detail of.  Like, a guy that helped a random girl get her luggage off the baggage carousel at an airport, or strangers who met in line at a Starbucks.  When you’ve been single for a long time, or maybe I should say, when you’ve been hoping to find the one* for a long time, and infiltrated with so many exception-to-the-rule stories, it’s hard not to think that that magical moment could maybe, potentially, hopefully, one day be a possibility for you too.  Thus, your senses are always slightly heightened in every situation, especially when you’re already an analyzer!

If my brain can contemplate those questions with guys I’m not in a relationship with, just imagine how far and how fast it runs when I’m actually dating someone!

* I don’t subscribe to the notion of there being “the one”, so I’m only using this phrase as a concept that you can relate to, but really what I mean is I’m looking for my SOMEone

Love Hurts.  Love Bites.  Love is a Battlefield.

When life is going good, I forget to savor the moments.  I have this tendency to take the moments and build on them in my mind with grandiose fantasies of what could be and reside in those future moments.  I really should be in a Disney movie or a rom-com, because that’s the reality I like to live in.  And in Disney or rom-coms, that reality works out 100% of the time!  Unfortunately, real life doesn’t always and nothing reminds me of that faster than a break up.

Break ups suck!  I used to think they only sucked when you’re the one being dumped, but it turns out, they suck when you’re the one doing the dumping too…maybe just not quite as much!  I think the hardest part about a break up, whichever end of it you might be on, is not always letting go of the person, but letting go of the routine and the rhythms you created with that person and letting go of the picture you had for your future.  A break up robs you of what might’ve been.  I think that’s where we can get hung up or feel like we have nothing left.  The certainty we (thought we) had, just became uncertain and starting back at zero is a discouraging and scary place to be.  What if we never find anyone again?  What if our life doesn’t turn out the way we hoped?  How do we survive reality, when reality sometimes just bites?

The Great Escape

How do you cope with pain? rejection? disappointment? heartbreak? loneliness?  Even boredom?  Do you lose yourself in Netflix or video games or drown your sorrows with drugs or alcohol?  Are you a workaholic?  Shopaholic?  Do you eat your feelings or do you go extreme in the opposite direction and harness them into fitness?  Do you post on social media strictly to get likes because you need an ego boost?  Or maybe you’re addicted to dating apps and have multiple meaningless hook ups because attention is nice.  Perhaps you go on online dating sites with good intentions and get rapt up in a chat relationship with someone you don’t actually know, but they make you feel special and like you have something in your life?  Does that sound like that was maybe the case for the lady on Dr. Phil?  If you couldn’t identify with her before, can you now?

I can only assume she poured herself into her alternate online universe to distract herself from the pain • rejection • disappointment • heartbreak • loneliness • boredom in her real life.  And I base that on the thinking that we often do the same.  Our distractions just might not look so overtly desperate or we can get away with ours because they’re more socially acceptable.  In fact, we’re so used to constant stimulation, we might not even recognize that we are just distracting ourselves.  And there ain’t no shame in that game, we’ve all been there in some way!

We don’t like to sit with our feelings or actually take the time necessary to heal before moving on to the next thing, because the reality of that is, it might hurt more than we thought and take longer than we want.  So instead, we distract ourselves because distractions feel good, but more importantly, distractions distract!  They are an escape.  They give us something to focus on and help us forget reality or numb our pain, if even for just a little while.  Distractions pass the time, but when we’re distracted, we’re not passing it with any purpose!

Dis·trac·tion (noun) – a thing that prevents someone from giving full attention to something else

I’m sure you’ve heard the sayings wherever you go, there you are, or wherever you go, you take you with you.  They’re true.  You can’t outrun your pain, because you take it with you and you can only hide it from yourself for so long.   Whatever you choose to bury or ignore or distract yourself from, doesn’t go away, it just drags out the process and delays the inevitable!  It’ll still be there waiting for you whenever you’re ready to deal with it and you will have to deal with it, in some way, at some point.

lizlemon

Insert Food Related Metaphor Here

I don’t know about you, but when I’m at a potluck or a buffet and I have a variety of food on a plate in front of me, I like to take a nibble of each first to gauge the order I want to eat in.  This way I can avoid the stuff that isn’t good, eat the ok food next and finish with the really good stuff, leaving on a high note, because there’s nothing worse than your last bite sucking!  Moral of the story – I don’t want to fill up on food that wasn’t worth the space in my stomach and have no room left for the good stuff or a second helping!  That’s kind of how I feel about life too – I don’t want to fill all of the empty spaces with distractions and have no room left for the good stuff when it comes along!

So what do we do with our free time if we’re not distracted?  Honestly, I’m still trying to figure that out!  It can be especially hard when you’re single and watching other people with their full lives, while yours feels pretty vacant.  Distractions almost seem like the only option to bide your time and believe me, there have been plenty of moments I’ve found solace in almost every one of those things I listed.  Heck, there are still times I find solace in them!  I think the best we can do is keep our motivations in check to make sure we’re not just just trying to fill a hole and instead, “distract” ourselves with healthy things.  Set goals, better ourselves, (maybe write a blog) and trust that one day God will bring your grandiose fantasies to fruition.

Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. – Colossians 3:2 (NIV)

 

 

21 Questions

/ Roxie / Leave a comment

Here’s the situation: I like results.  I’m the kind of weirdo who wants to see how much comes out of the vacuum canister after I’ve cleaned or look at a wax strip once all the hair has been ripped from my flesh.  If I’ve been working out, I want to see changes in my body or if I’ve been saving money, I want to notice my bank balance go up.  I just want the assurance that the work I’ve been putting in is getting results and I haven’t completely been wasting my time!

If you’ve been single, or a Christian, or a single Christian for any length of time, you’ve probably been on the receiving end of some of the most annoying comments and/or unhelpful advice people like to give.  I’ve often thought of writing a book one day filled with these things to help prevent anyone from repeating them in the future!  I know they come from a good place and I appreciate everyone’s desire to try and encourage, but you should know, your words aren’t doing me any favors.  Here’s a sample of what I’m talking about, with a glimpse into what goes through my mind while I’m blankly staring at you and politely smiling:

You need to get married, it’s so awesome!
Right, ok, I’ll just pop out and do that because it’s super easy and I haven’t been trying to for 20 years!

Your story will encourage others one day!
Oh gee, I’m so happy I could go through this to make someone else feel better…

Then there’s these 2:
God’s more concerned with your growth than your happiness.  /  Focus on your eternity instead.
Wow, so encouraging, thank you oh sainted one!  How could my human nature possibly be thinking about wanting to enjoy this life, when the idea that there are rubies awaiting my crown in heaven should be enough to tide me over another 40 years?!

Hey man, nobody said what goes through my mind was mature!

Last, certainly not least, but possibly my least favorite:
BECOME THE PERSON, THE PERSON YOU ARE LOOKING FOR, IS LOOKING FOR
Insert eye roll here.  I didn’t use to dislike this one as much.  In fact, I used to think it was rather brilliant, but now it just seems to be a Christian cliché.

The Becoming

As a *cough*orty something year old, that line does nothing more than create frustration in me, whereas when I first heard it in my late 20s, it was encouraging.  After a series of unsuccessful relationships, it shifted my focus and gave me a project, and since I’m task oriented, I love a to-do list!  Plus, it seemed like such a simple formula.  Put in the work and get your desired outcome!  If, by chance, I was the common denominator that made every relationship not work, I was ready to get my crap sorted out and get this show on the road!!  The sooner I became, the sooner I would be found!

And so, armed with my revolutionary new mindset, I went to work.  I listened to messages about healthy marriages and watched couples interact so that I knew what to model myself after (or not).  I asked people around me if they saw an area in me that I needed to work on, but had overlooked.  I worked on getting my finances in order, because debt isn’t cute!  And since I was going to become this amazing wife that someone would be looking for, I figured maybe I should learn how to cook!  Over the years I built a simple, but tasty, repertoire of meals, not to mention my recent feat of becoming Suzy FREAKING Homemaker with the jams and the perogies and the cinnamon buns!

It’s now been at least 12 years since first taking the steps towards “becoming the person” and still nobody is buying what I’m selling!  Does that mean I still haven’t become that person yet?  Seriously, how long is this process?  Ok, don’t answer that, because I know what you’re thinking – we’re always in the process of becoming Rox!  Yeah yeah, I get that, but I know some jacked up people who didn’t have to “become” anything, so if I’m being required to, how jacked up am I?  How come it seems that some of us have to spend all of this extra time in the oven, when others are served raw?  And it’s not all frustration about “becoming” for a relationship.  Sometimes it’s the frustration of “becoming” for the future whatever-I-may-need-to-be.

milkshake

Purpose Driven Life

The frontal lobe of the brain is responsible for reasoning, motor skills, emotion and language and I’m pretty sure, like most, my reasoning and emotions are in a constant battle.  My reasoning side is what you may call a pessimist, but I call a realist.  It’s unnecessarily logical and always pointing out the facts.  My emotional side is like a dirty hippie named Starflower, who wants to run free, dance like no one is watching and believes dreams actually do come true!  In my case, reasoning usually muscles out Starflower and that might be a good thing most of the time, but unfortunately, it also gives me an overwhelming need to know WHY.  Why did certain people come into my life?  Or leave for that matter?  Why did [this] or [that] happen, or work, or not work out?  I need to rationalize, make sense of, or justify things in order to be satisfied with the answer.  I don’t know that I believe in coincidences, so there has be a purpose behind it all and I want to know what it is!

Everything Happens for a Reason

A few months before I bought the condo I’m in, I had actually purchased a different one.  It had my 3 requirements: it was in the neighborhood I wanted, it had underground parking and it had in suite laundry.  Bonus – it was also significantly below my budget!  I was so excited to have found such a cute little place!  I immediately started to plan out everything in my head; how I’d set up my room, how I’d decorate and what color I’d paint the place as soon as I moved in – I was thinking grey.  Of course, the place had some flaws, but no deal breakers.  The appliances were older and a few of them would likely need to be replaced within a year, plus the laminate was installed poorly and an ugly brown, so I knew I’d eventually want to change that too and I already knew what I’d go with!  While I was busy mentally moving in and entertaining guests, the lender was busy denying me.  The sellers had accepted my offer, I had a downpayment and I had a perfect credit score, how could I be denied?!  I was told that it had to do with the lender requirements of how the building was constructed of all things and none of it had to do with me!  It was completely out of my control!  The sale fell through and I was crushed.  How would I ever find something so great again?!

Fast forward 3 months to the place I’m in now.  It was a bit more money, but still under my budget.  It didn’t have my 3 requirements either, but it was only 5 minutes from where I wanted to be, it had the exact flooring that I would’ve chose for the other place, the appliances were brand new and it was already painted the perfect shade of grey (and if you’ve ever tried to find the perfect grey, you know it’s not easy!).  When I moved in, I didn’t have to change or update anything, or even plan to change or update anything in the future!  It also gets way more natural light than I would’ve at the other place, which I’ve come to realize is very important to me and even though I didn’t get my in suite laundry, there are 3 washers and dryers just down the hall from my unit and I can finish all of my laundry in under 2 hours – who else can really say that?  Oh yea, did I mention I have access to a tennis court and an outdoor pool too?  (Even though an outdoor pool is completely unnecessary in Canada!)

When You Haven’t Found That Reason Yet

I love to trace back and see what got me to where I am.  It’s that assurance that what I’ve been doing hasn’t been a total waste.  It’s that full vacuum canister!  On the other hand, when your path seems to have led nowhere and you don’t have answers to your questions, it can make the present difficult to accept.

By now, it’s no secret that I always wanted to get married.  To be a wife and take care of a spouse and live in suburbia with my husband was the apex.  I never wanted to birth babies or really raise young kids for that matter, but I always thought when I was older, it would be nice to have a family (of grown children).  And if I was going to be a mom, I wanted to be a young mom, however that ship sailed a loooong time ago!  Over the years I dated a number of guys who already had kids and I thought – if this works out, I get to skip the steps I never wanted to do, but get that grown family in the end, so this path checks out!  As you know though, things didn’t work out that way.  Or any of those ways actually, leaving me to try and reason why.  Why did the good Lord give me the desire to be married if I’m just going to be single forever?  He could’ve left that little part out of my DNA and I’d be none the wiser.  Why did I spend all that time preparing to be an amazing wife or learning how to cook if it’s only ever going to be for me?  I had no problem with my lack of kitchen skills or my sad diet of salad and rice cakes with melted cheese!  Plus it kept me way thinner!

As the aforementioned dream slowly died over the years, I had to find a new one!  In fact, the cookie cutter life that was once the goal, now seems too small!  Yes, I do still hope to get married one day, but living an ordinary life has become my greatest fear!  With the vision of my new future in mind, I can look back and recognize instances that would’ve been preparing me for where I’m headed.  There’s a snag though.  That new dream is nowhere near the realm of anything I’m capable of and far, far, far outside of my comfort zone.  So why did my original dream have to be replaced with something even bigger and more impossible, when I couldn’t even accomplish the small one?  Why does it feel like the path has been leading me to a place I can see, but am not sure I’ll ever reach?  And why is the person I need to be for that future, not the person I actually am?

Don’t Place a Period Where God Put a Comma

Here’s what I know.  I know nothing!  And I’m learning just how little I know, more and more every day!  I’m also s l o w l y learning to be ok with not knowing or being able to figure it all out.  Things (do) have a way of working out (in time).  Look at the condo; the second one turned out to be way better than the first, so I guess I don’t really need to understand everything, I just like to.  And all of those relationships that didn’t work and the impossible dreams that grew and the “becoming” I’ve been going through – the WHY’s will be clear one day and I’ll look back, as with everything else in my life, and see that there was a purpose in it all.  But for now, we wait!  …and we try to wait patiently, even though we feel we might be over baked…

Happy Anniversary!

/ Roxie / 7 Comments

Here’s the situation: It’s the 1 year anniversary of The Situation Room!  (Well, Monday officially)

This isn’t a typical post, but I thought I’d write a little background and recap of the past year, since many of you are not familiar with how TSR came to be!

The story actually starts 4 years ago while recovering from foot surgery, when I decided to try my hand at blogging.  I wasn’t that familiar with blogs and I didn’t read other people’s either, I just knew that I had more opinions than a Facebook status could hold and as someone who enjoys writing, I thought it might be a good outlet!  I also had 7 weeks off of work on short term disability, so perhaps I needed an outlet to feel useful.

I nervously published my first blog, July 5, 2016.  At that time, I knew I had a guaranteed 5 readers.  My “fans” as I jokingly called them.  5 people who liked what I had to say, enjoyed my style of writing and would always encourage me to write more.  Each post would draw in a few new eyes and it seemed that when people actually read my writing, they really enjoyed it as well.  I had hoped to stay consistent with the posts, but most times when I sat down to work on one, I would hit a wall and wasn’t able to get my words to come together; probably a good thing since my words were much angrier back then!  From the time I started, to around February of 2019, I drafted 25 blogs, but only ever published 7.

Check Your Heart

John Crist made headlines last fall and I’m sure it was not in the way he would’ve wanted.  I’ve had the pleasure of seeing him 3x, meeting him twice and we’ve DM’d about his shows a couple of times.  I found him very friendly, down to earth and for being quite famous (in Christian circles), he wasn’t arrogant at all.  I’ve met ordinary guys who had less time of day for me than John did.  When I was invited for a meet and greet at my second show, I was actually really impressed with how accountable he seemed to keep himself!  Of course, these are just my experiences and my opinions and yours might differ in light of those headlines, but whatever you may say, I can say that John Crist 100% impacted my life for the better, as ridiculous as that seems/sounds/is.

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Keep Portland Weird

My cousin, her husband and I planned a road trip to Portland, Oregon, in October 2018 to see John perform for our first time.  Since we were driving 13+ hours to see him, my cousin and I were going to make it worth our while and naturally sprung for the VIP tickets.  Our VIP package included early access to the venue and merch table, a backstage session with John, a photo op and a backstage tour, which unbeknownst to us, included his tour bus.  That was odd.  Pretty sure we looked at each other and said “are we supposed to be in here?”.

As I watched John from our front row seats, something within me woke up.  It wasn’t because I was a fan or awestruck by his “celebrity”, it was these intense feelings of jealousy met with empowerment.  Here he was, unashamedly himself, and loved and accepted by thousands of people for things that I’m afraid of being rejected for.  Not only that, he and his opening acts were these young guys doing what they love and loving what they do and what was I doing with my life?!!  I like my job and I’m good at my job, but is it my passion?  And what IS my passion?  I had to be created for more than just being good at admin and essentially running out the clock with a routine life until I died!  I came home from that trip with an urgency for change and a desire to do something big(ger) with my life, but I had no idea what, or where to start or what I could possibly change!

YOLO?

4 months post John Crist show (a little over a year ago), I was still antsy to do something (anything!), but I have a mortgage and bills to pay, so I can’t be completely irrational and do a 180º, just because I’m bored.  For whatever reason, the idea of a new blog came to mind.  I could do it without disrupting my life too much, but this time I would make it more of a priority than before.  I even considered sowing into it by buying a domain name.  I felt kind of stupid though, I mean, the trend of blogging had passed and at that point I had maybe 15 consistent readers that I was aware of, so who would really care what a nobody like me had to say, even if I did have my own website?  The urgency I felt when I got home from Portland was still there though and I told myself, anyone who’s ever done anything, had to start somewhere!

I narrowed down a name, somewhat of a concept and I even signed up for a one-day ‘Intro to WordPress’ course to cover all of my bases.  Since I already had a blog, most of it was just review, but with the course perk being a 4:1 student to mentor ratio, I was able to monopolize one poor guy and he showed me how to upgrade, purchase my domain name and link everything together.  Without him, I would’ve never figured it out!

With my previous blog, I wanted to be as anonymous as I could, so I didn’t include any information about me or photos.  As a reader though, I think it’s important to know who is behind the writing.  It makes you feel more connected and it gives the words more value.  For example, if I were a stranger reading my own blog, I would want to see this girl who often talks about her dating struggles.  Does she struggle because she never does her hair or make up and maybe she wears Winnie the Pooh embroidered cardigans?  That girls opinion would be moot to me, but if I found out she was normal, I’d be more inclined to follow her journey and open to hearing what she had to say, because I could relate!

High Risk | High Reward

I published my first TSR blog April 20, 2019.  It was just as nerve racking as the first one 3 years earlier.  Would anyone read it?  How would it be perceived?  How would I be perceived?  I can be pretty black and white with my feelings, so would I just offend everyone and be hated?  If I talked about faith or Christianity, would I get mocked and my opinions dismissed because I’m some bible-thumping Jesus freak?  They say to write about what you know, but if I wrote about what I’ve known to be true in my life, would I just come across as some whiny girl who felt sorry for herself?  Would writing about being single, inevitably keep me single?  Did I really want to let people all up in my bidnez and be that vulnerable?

What if I fall?

Oh, but my darling, what if you fly?

– Erin Hanson

A lot of things changed for me in the years since starting my first blog.  The majority of my remaining single friends got married, while others started having babies and my friendships inevitably shifted due to both.  I bought a condo and lived alone for the first time ever and dating was a fruitless endeavor, so the hope of one day finding a man seemed (and still seems) impossible.  After being very alone for those 3 years, a part of me died.  It was the part that spent so much energy being concerned about what people thought and desperately wanting to be accepted, and the part that kept myself in a box that other people had put me in.  In the words of Jo Dee Messina – my give a damn was busted.  As uncomfortable as the idea was of putting myself out there, I figured, I can’t be any more alone and I can’t attract any less men, so what did I really have to lose?  I like who I am and I think I’m funny, plus I’m half way to senility so I can get away with saying more, so I’ll just write and be myself and you can take it or leave it!

Ok, I Know I Said Take It or Leave It, but Please Take It!

“Even if only 1 person got something out of it, then it was all worth it!”  That’s a nice sentiment and I’ve said it to myself before, but it’s kind of a lie!  I put a lot into each post, so I want them to affect more than just 1 person!  I spend upwards of 30 hours rambling out an idea and organizing my thoughts to make sense, then editing and re-editing countless times before I finally believe in one post enough to click “publish”.  It’s a lot of work for something that’s technically a hobby!  Not to mention the knots I get in my stomach each time I put something out there.  I’m baring a piece of my soul and it’s subject to be judged or criticized, or worse, not read at all.

Last month I really debated whether I should keep this up or just let it go, knowing that I tried.  When I started the blog a year ago, with my big dreams in hand, I really hoped that things in my life would start to shift and maybe, just maybe, this blog was the step of faith I needed to take to usher those dreams into reality.  Unfortunately, nothing’s changed and if I’m being honest, almost every time I work on a post I think to myself “what am I trying to say?“, “does anybody care?“, “why am I putting in all of this effort for nothing?“.  But I eventually get something to come together and so far it’s been well received.  So many times I’ve felt like I was going through something alone or thought that I was the only one who must feel this way, but the truth is, there’s always someone who understands.  If I have managed to make even 1 person feel less alone through my writing or like they have a comrade in this life, then somehow it actually does seem worth it!

Started From the Bottom, Now We’re Here

Here we are – 1 year later!  It was my goal to try and put something out every 2 to 3 weeks or at the very least, every month.  Goal accomplished.  20 blogs published!  My readers have slowly increased in number and I have a stats page, so I can see how far this blog has reached.  It’s pretty amazing!  (Don’t worry, when you read this, you remain anonymous – I don’t know who you are, I just see clicks and country stats.)  For a nobody like me, with only a little over 400 Facebook friends and 200 Instagram followers, this blog has been read in 25 different countries.  It doesn’t sound like many knowing there are 195 in the world, but when I look at which countries, it’s crazy.  Places like France, China, Australia, Pakistan, South Africa and India!  WOW – so cool!

I probably still only know (in person) who a handful of my consistent readers are, but for anyone else who has clicked on my links, taken the time to read my posts, like my posts or given me positive feedback, I appreciate you more than you could know!!  It’s you who keeps me coming back to share pieces of myself, even if you’re a stranger!  And thanks to anyone I’ve wrangled into being my photographer to help me with the Facebook/Instagram clickbait, because there’s only so much I can do with one hand and a PopSocket!

So, cheers to another year!  (…at least, because that’s how long I’m renewed for!)

Don’t let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it.  The time will pass anyway, we might as well put that passing time to the best possible use.

– Earl Nightingale

The Upside

/ Roxie / Leave a comment

Here’s the situation: COVID-19.  Need I say more?

Where I live in Canada, we’ve just finished our second week of voluntary social distancing/self isolation or travel-related quarantine.  My city isn’t on lockdown, but many of us are doing our part to be proactive and “flatten the curve”, which is a term I keep reading.  Along with that one, every automated email I have got in the last 2 weeks seems to start with “there is a great deal of uncertainty” or “in these unprecedented times”.  It’s true, though worse things have happened in history, nothing quite like this has happened in many of our lifetimes.

Ignorance is Bliss

I prefer to live my life in a bit of a bubble.  I don’t read, listen or watch the news, because the news rarely reports positive things.  When they do, it’s like a 1 minute fluff piece about a water skiing squirrel or something, reserved for the end of the show; perhaps to leave the viewers on a happy note after spending the previous 29 minutes instilling fear.  My mom likes to remind me that I “need to be aware of what’s happening” and I’m not completely oblivious to things of importance, but I don’t like to inundate my mind with them.  Watching the news reminds me of going to the doctor for a minor thing and finding out some other major thing is wrong.  You felt fine all this time, but now you have something to worry about, only because it was brought to your attention.

I’d like you to find me someone who watches a constant stream of news and isn’t affected by it.  Generally these people are stressed out and filled with anxiety, yet they can’t figure out why.  This is why I prefer my bubble.  I don’t need to be over-informed and start having panic attacks over things I can’t control.  That doesn’t seem like a good use of my time.

Since I don’t keep constant news updates in my ear, I almost forget that COVID-19 exists.  My routine hasn’t had to change much either, so it feels like business as usual!  My work is considered an ‘essential service’, so I still go to the office every day.  My gym closed, but I was already doing about 2 workouts a week at home, now I just do all of them at home.  I’m single, while most of my friends are busy with spouses or children, so I didn’t see a ton of people throughout the week/weekend anyway and I have lived alone for almost 4 years now.  Netflix and podcasts were already my companions and loneliness coping mechanisms before all of this went down, so social distancing hasn’t been too much of a stretch for me!

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Silver Linings Playbook

One of my favorite pastors, Steven Furtick, said in his message last week that he’s been hearing “we’re all in the same boat”, but he disagreed and countered with “we’re not all in the same boat, but we are all in this together”.  Everyone is struggling in their own way right now.  The extroverts are dying inside (figuratively and literally), while the introverts are almost thrilled with their sentence to isolation!  People are being laid off or suddenly becoming stay-at-home parents or full time teachers.  Others are actually getting the virus.  It can all be a little too scary and with no real end date in site, it gets overwhelming.  I don’t want to make light of that or the actual struggles people are facing, but in these “uncertain” and “unprecedented” times, I’m trying to find the upside amidst COVID-19!

It’s March. In Canada.

I love my country, but as I get older, I’m beginning to hate the cold more and more.  Every time I brush snow off my car I mutter “why do I live here?!”.  But then I see pictures of bugs from warmer climates and it puts that into perspective!  If there’s one thing that Canadians should be able to agree on, it’s that of all the months this could have happened, March might be the best option.  Imagine this happened in October and the school year was indefinitely cancelled then.  That would mean an additional 5 months to home school on top of the current 3.  Imagine this happened right as the weather started to turn in June and we had to stay inside during our already abbreviated summer.  March can still be a little too cold, or snowy and the ground is soggy from the winter, making it difficult to do either winter or spring activities, so if we have to be stuck inside, it may as well be now to get it over with!

It’s Two Thousand and Twenty

I know a lot of people are bored and feel like they’ve already watched everything they possibly can on Netflix, but imagine having to social distance, self isolate or quarantine PRE streaming services/on-demand TV/smartphones or the internet!  Even though we are being encouraged to stay apart, we are still so connected!covid-netflix

If this happened 20 years ago, working from home wasn’t a simple alternative.  There was no file sharing via this mysterious cloud.  There was no video calling or video conferences.  That kind of futuristic voodoo was reserved for The Jetsons!  We can do all of our grocery shopping and have it delivered to our door without even getting out of bed and now we can attend church in our living room!  We have so much of everything at our fingertips and can almost seamlessly carry on with our lives, what do we really have to complain about if the hardest thing we’re asked to do is stay at home?

R & R

Busy.  Everyone is always so busy.  Ask someone how their day was or how their week was and the reply is usually “busy”.  We tend to live our lives in overdrive, moving from one thing to the next with no break.  Maybe it’s because we don’t want to disappoint anyone or maybe it’s because being busy makes us feel important.  Being accessible through our phones 24/7 doesn’t help either.  It seems a lot of people keep themselves so busy that when they’re given time to rest, they don’t even know how to do it!

I’ve never really been good with busy.  I don’t like having too many things back to back or always being go go go.  I could maybe attribute that to my primary love language of quality time.  I’d rather spend a fulfilling amount of time with one person, than superficial moments with many people in a row.  I know the times when I’ve kept my calendar stacked, I get cranky, I get run down and then I get sick.  I’ve learned that it’s in my best interest to maintain balance, even if that means saying no to some things and suffering with my FOMO later.

I don’t know if other people realize how important rest is.  When we get fatigued, our immune system is weakened.  If we’re worn down, we get moody, we can’t handle stress, we lack concentration, lose energy and we create irregular eating and sleeping patterns.  When you continue at a fast pace for too long, your body will usually, and without your permission, crash, forcing you to rest, often by way of getting sick.

Now that your calendar has probably freed up for the next month, maybe you can recognize where you’ve been spreading yourself too thin.  Were you always busy doing things you wanted to do, or were you doing things everyone else wanted you to to do?  Try to make the best of this rest period.  Maybe reset your priorities.  If God took the 7th day to rest knowing how important it was, perhaps we should take a queue from Him!

Arm Yourself

When was the last time you really appreciated the people providing services you normally take for granted?  Like, your delivery guy or even a grocery store clerk?  Or ladies, what about the team of professionals who keep us looking good every few weeks to every few months?  Seriously though, when have you actually thought “man, I’m so thankful this person does their job!”?  I know I’m happy they do, but I just assume they’ll be there whenever I need them.  I bet you’re grateful now for anyone who risks working with the general public so that a service can be provided for you!  You’re probably extra appreciative of the ones who provide a service that you need but can’t currently get.  I know I am!  And I know this thing better not last past May ’cause Imma need my hurr did and my brows done.

When was the last time you ran errands, came and went as you pleased or did the simplest thing like hug a friend and realized what a privilege it was to be moving around so freely?  What about the last time you woke up happy to go in to work?

When I interviewed with my current employer back in 2000, I had another interview scheduled the same day.  After leaving both interviews, I wanted the other job.  Their office looked like a log cabin and had a cute little reception area, while my office felt cold and barren!  Of course, it was the office I didn’t like that called me with an offer and beggars can’t be choosers!  I could’ve never imagined that when I took the position, I’d still be working there 20 years later.  I even quit for 2 years to pursue a different career and was offered my position back when the person who replaced me retired.  I’ve spent a total of 18 years at my office and unlike other jobs, there’s never been a day that I dreaded going in.

When this virus first started to affect my city and other people were getting mandatory time off, I was a little jealous!  But then stores started to close their doors indefinitely.  And then people started to get laid off.  Where 2 weeks ago it was just routine to get up and go in Monday to Friday, I now emphatically thank God every morning and every night for my job!  The job I might not have taken for some cute log cabin.

It is not lost on me how lucky I’ve been so far and I don’t know your situation, but if we choose to look around, chances are, there is somebody worse off than you.  Find something that you can be grateful for, even if it’s just the air in your lungs.  Gratitude is a weapon.  Use it.

Heal the World, Make it a Better Place

You know the saying “everything happens for a reason”?  It’s annoying right?  I mean, it’s easy looking back and recognizing where things did have a purpose, but in the moment, hearing that is like nails on a chalkboard.  I don’t think we’ll ever be able to look back and reason why this happened.  There’s just no point to this virus and it seems like it was preventable if it did start as they say; from bat infected meat sold at a market.

There’s a lot of conspiracies flying around right now too.  Population control, economic wars, the government’s doing, etc.  I’m not gonna lie, I do find some random virus that came out of nowhere and has the power to spread across the world and change the global economy a little suspicious, but we’ll never know the truth so there’s no point dwelling on why this is happening.  The fact is, it’s here and we have to deal with it.  All we can hope for is that we improve and grow stronger from this.

There are way too many negatives surrounding COVID-19, let’s try and put our focus on the personal positives we can find within it.  Maybe this whole thing is teaching us empathy or deepening our faith.  Maybe we’re learning to appreciate people in a new way and it’ll strengthen our relationships when we can all get together again.  Moving forward we might find joy in the simpler things and be grateful when we have to pop out to run an errand, rather than grumble or complain.  However this might be improving you, don’t revert back when life returns to normal, because it will.  We will get through this! 

Be kind, pray for the world, don’t hoard toilet paper and wash your hands ya filthy animals!

this-too-shall-pass