Relationships

The Unromantic Side of Romance

/ Roxie / 1 Comment

Here’s the situation: Sometimes romance is not actually all that romantic!

So, it would appear as though I’ve been AWOL from writing again, this time for almost 2 years now.  Oopsie!  What can I say – I’ve been a busy lady, because, well, work, friends, hobbies, fun and oh yea, I got married.  Surprise!  Seeing how I was the expert at being single and now I’m (obviously) an expert at marriage, I’m here to give you my pearls and I can sum them up really quickly too.  Mainly, that you, as a woman, have been lied to!  Disney movies and rom-coms – they’re lies.  And we know this on some level too, yet we continue to let them define how we think we should feel when looking for a mate.  Ok sure, there are the people who legitimately might feel all those movie emotions (sparks, clouds parting, birds chirping, etc.), but what I’ve learned is, aside from those people (who are generally highly emotional and often make unwise life decisions anyway), there are the rest of us and for the rest of us, romance is a lot more practical.  Romance is actually, not all that romantic.  It probably would’ve been helpful for someone to tell me this before I was over 40, so let me try to do you the favour!

On the Spectrum

Like many, I have some fears.  One might call them irrational, but how do I know that my front door is actually locked if I don’t check it 7 times?  I don’t call that irrational – I call it safe!  Another fear of mine that developed somewhere in my late 20s/early 30s is that I would marry someone who I was not attracted to.  This one didn’t seem all that irrational to me though because I had heard it so many times from so many women. Women who were not attracted to their now-husbands when they first met.  They were “not their type”, yet somehow they were won over (or worn down?).  I was even there from the beginning of some of these relationships so I heard firsthand how much these women did not like the guys who were pursuing them!  “Not my type” became such a common sentiment in love stories, that anytime a new guy came into the fold who happened to be weird or unattractive, I feared they would be the one that the Lord had chose for me.  The guys wouldn’t even have to show interest in me and I was already mad at God for making me marry this creature in order to teach me a lesson in humility.  Ok yes, that might be irrational, but I just wanted to be proud of the imaginary spouse on my arm.

If I wasn’t afraid of marrying the missing link, then my other emotion, on the total opposite end of the spectrum, was that the Lord was going to bring me THE BEST man!  Like, a guy who other women would look at and also realize was THE BEST.  These women might be happily married, but they would recognize amazingness when they saw it and realize just why it took me so much longer to find someone than them – I had to wait for the best.  The best would obviously come in the packaging I desired too.  That was really the right thing for the Lord to do, since it was technically Him making me wait so long, ergo, I earned this glorious specimen.  Unfortunately, the Lord doesn’t seem to care what you think your merits are.

Forever Single.  Single Forever.

Twas the height of the pLandemic, when I felt that familiar disappointment again.  Getting to know someone who seemed like they might have potential, only to have those hopes dashed, thrusting me back to square one.  This time though, I was done.  After 20 some years in the dating game, I could not survive the pain of disappointment even one more time.  All those desires I had been convinced were given to me and put on my heart from the Lord, must not have been.  Did I trust the Lord?  Sure…  I trusted that he would keep me single forever!  So, after my final grieving was complete, I decided it was time to shift my focus and build a life for me since I would be the only one in it.  I would make memories with friends and meet new friends and I would be ok being the odd number at dinner parties or the pity invite that got included at Christmases and Easters when I got older.  At least I was getting invited, right?  After a little bit of time, I had finally, officially, become ok with being single forever.  From therein, I went into events and situations without the thoughts that had been running in the background for so long; “maybe this could be the day” or “this might be the event” or “what if this guy…”.  Instead, I went about my days unfazed and if there were guys who caught my eye, I let the glance go because they were merely in my eye line.

Bad Boys, Bad Boys, Whatcha Gonna Do?

It was during this time that a virtual stranger started following me on Instagram.  This guy was most definitely “not my type”, but thankfully I didn’t have to worry about my irrational fear anymore since I had clearly received the gift of singleness!  I dodged a bullet there too because though he was a stranger, I recognized him from when I would volunteer at church and it never seemed like he wanted to be there, he had tattoos all over and sort of fit the look of someone recovering from an addiction or who had a stint in prison.  Don’t be offended at me people – stereotypes exist for a reason!  Also, I’d dated a few too many of those guys and learned my lessons, so hard pass on the “bad boy”.  But crap, I volunteer as a front door host at church and what sort of image would I portray if I was the friendly greeter at church, but a total cow in real life?  Ugh, fine!…follow back.

We were silent follows for the first few weeks, then he replied to a story with a thumbs up.  A silent month later he replied to another story I had posted about a book I was going to read.  It was then that we briefly started to chat.  A week or 2 later when I saw him at church next I figured, I should probably talk to this guy because it’s weird to have conversations over Instagram, but then ignore each other in person, so that’s what I did; I said hi in real life one week.  The next week we chatted a bit.  The next week we chatted a bit longer.  At this point I had a few people in my life take notice and give me that coy little nudge to insinuate “oooooh, who’s the guy?!”.  I would roll my eyes because he was not my type!  We got along though, so I would continue to get to know him and selflessly do recon so that I could eventually set him up with one of my single girlfriends!  Maybe someone whose type he was.

The Bane of My Existence

About 6 months after he first followed me on Instagram and a few church parking lot chats later, he casually mentioned we should grab a coffee sometime.  He remembers this differently – he swears he’s too shy and would never have asked that, but whichever one of our memories is right about it (mine), we ended up going for that coffee and then we just sort of kept getting together weekly.  Over the next few months he never made a move so I figured he wasn’t interested, which again, was perfectly fine in my books since he wasn’t my type, so we just kept getting to know each other as friends.  As I got to know him I found out he was never an addict, never spent time in prison and would actually get rid of all of his tattoos if he could.  He had gone to bible college, so he was technically a pastor, was getting his masters in psychology and worked for one of our city’s non-profit organizations.  Not a bad boy after all.

Randomly I met his parents the second time we hung out and over the course of a few months I met some of his siblings and I had introduced him to my cousin and her husband, who he got along with swimmingly from the get go.  Overall, he was a pretty good catch, but he wasn’t what I had envisioned myself with!  He didn’t meet the 6’1″ minimum and he had this beard.  A long, grey beard with a giant moustache.  I hated that beard and would try to gauge his attachment to it with probing questions now and then.  Turns out – VERY attached.  As our friendship slowly progressed into dating and I had the stamp of approval from numerous people, quite possibly for the first time ever with one of my boyfriends, I still wasn’t sure about him, but only because I wasn’t sure that I could ever get over that beard!

Nothing But Green Lights

I spent about a year torn over the beard.  Yea ok, he was kind, smart, had a career and his life together.  We had similar interests, similar humour and he had a bunch of the “extras” I wanted to find, but weren’t deal breakers if I didn’t.  Sure, I couldn’t come up with a single red flag or reason not to date him and he really really liked me, but…the beard!  I hated that beard!  My logical mind knew I’d be an idiot to let something as stupid as facial hair ruin a perfectly great relationship, but my Disney movies and rom-coms had led me to believe I should be swooning and wouldn’t have to debate anything!

This is where romance and/or love takes the “this is real life and not a rom-com” turn.  As I said before, we women (and maybe some men) let these false movie ideals dictate how we think we should feel and unfortunately, Christians have the added disadvantage of over-spiritualizing things!  Am I doing the right thing?  Is this the Lord’s will?  I can tell you this; I prayed and prayed, but never felt any clear guidance from the Lord.  If anything, His guidance sounded like my own sarcastic self reminding me there were no actual reasons not to keep dating him! It also took the very practical and not romantic advice of a few friends to (eventually) register some sense in me.

Here’s what one of my friends told me a conversation with her pastor was like during her premarital counselling:

“Do you like him?”
– Yes
“Does he love Jesus?”
– Yes
“Do you enjoy spending time together?”
– Yes
“Ok, you can make a marriage work.”

Wait, what?  That seems a lot more simple than we make it out to be!

Parallel Lines

It really bothered me for a time that our story wasn’t very romantic.  I felt like I was doing a disservice to him to have to think so practically about it, but here’s what’s interesting.  When I’m with new people and they ask about how we met and I share some stuff, they often tell me “that’s like a real life rom-com!”.  

Those extras I wanted but weren’t deal breakers?  I wanted someone musical, who came from a big family.  I also wanted someone who loved Christmas as much as me and potentially had the same ministry heart as me, which was for the broken, addicted, homeless, etc.  Well, he sings and plays guitar, has been in many bands over the years and still records music.  (He’s actually a Spotify verified artist.  Look at me married to a famous rock star!) He’s also the oldest of 7, might love Christmas more than me and has been in a career of helping the broken, addicted, homeless for about half of his life.

The more we got to know each other, the more we discovered just how close we were to each other, without ever meeting.  Parallel lines.

The first time I showed him photos of me as a 19 year old party girl, he recognized 2 of the guys in my pictures.  They were his best friends at that time in his life.  

We used to hang out at the same bars and in fact, he used to play in a band at one of the bars I would frequent in my 20s.  

We lived in the same townhouse complex, only him when he was around 5 and me when I was 22.

I volunteered at a recovery centre every Saturday for 6 years and he worked at that centre for 4 years; 1 of those years overlapped yet we never met since he was weekdays and I was weekends.  I even remember a friend of mine who worked in the same industry asking me if I knew of him and she showed me a photo, but I didn’t know him and that was that.

We are only 10 months apart in age and grew up in neighbourhoods only minutes from each other, so we know some of the same people from junior high/high school or church.  In fact, I think he’s technically still dating a girl I knew from junior high because he never officially broke up with her.  Someone might want to let her know it’s over between them.  

My mom used to work at a bookstore that he would go to all the time and we found out a year ago that we went to the same daycare, at the same time!  All of these things, yet we never met.

And remember me saying that I wanted THE BEST and for people to recognize THE BEST?  Well, I’ve had lots of people tell me what a great guy he is and that I “done good”.  Quite frankly, he is the best, for me.  I can’t imagine anyone else being able to deal with my crazy!

Here Come the Pearls

So now that I’m this marriage expert, what can I tell the single ladies who’ve been longing to find someone forever?  Well, I’m not going to tell you it’ll happen when you least expect it, because though I’d hoped, I never expected so how come it didn’t happen sooner?  That adage is a load of BS.  And I won’t tell you to stay hopeful either, because I know sometimes you need to have zero hope for self preservation.  I’m not even going to tell you to lower your standards, but I will tell you to be realistic about them.  If you can’t watch Hallmark movies or rom-coms without daydreaming – turn them off.  You can’t have that kind of influence messing with your head.  

Another piece of advice is to build your life for YOU.  You are the only one who’s living it, so make sure you enjoy it!  Anything added to it is just a bonus!  And lastly…no matter how hard or how long it takes – wait on God’s timing.  I absolutely loathed hearing this before, but look how he orchestrated my story and I haven’t even touched on how we were engaged and married within 3 months with every detail coming together without any snags for the most beautiful wedding.  (A lot of which I believe has to do with God honouring us for honouring Him with our lives, but that’s a blog for another time…)

As I wrap this up, let me just say this to anyone who has also struggled with some unrealistic notion of love. Even if your story doesn’t contain fireworks, it doesn’t mean it’s the wrong story!

P.S. the beard is still going strong and I still don’t love it, but I hate it a little bit less.

Legacy

/ Roxie / 3 Comments

Here’s the situation: If you died tomorrow, how would people remember you?

Joseph James DeAngelo.  Do you recognize that name?  What about the Visalia Ransacker?  East Area Rapist?  Original Night Stalker?  What if I said the Golden State Killer (GSK)?  Well, if you’re one of those “normal” people who’s not into serial killers, let me give you a little background!

First, I need to start by defending myself against the stereotype of being a ‘basic white girl’ who’s hopped on the true crimeEEBE3A1B-23CF-4FB4-8FC8-4D3A13005AE1 bandwagon.  No.  I am an OG!  I’ve been intrigued by the criminal psyche as far back as I can remember.  I read The Milwaukee Murders, a book about Jeffery Dahmer, in high school.  High school people.  That was 25 years ago!  Perhaps my parents should’ve been concerned, but I think I come by it honestly.  My dad was always watching shows like Dateline and Unsolved Mysteries and when I used to visit him while he was living in a nursing home, his TV was always on whatever channel played Forensic Files marathons.  (My mom on the other hand – not having any of the murder stuff!)

Ok, back to Joseph DeAngelo.  This guy was all of those monikers I mentioned above and actually a few more.  Between 1973 and 1986 he committed at least 120 burglaries, 50 rapes and 13 murders in California, but they didn’t catch him until 2018 when he was 72 years old!  That’s FORTY FIVE years after his first crime!  This guy was a real piece of work too!  He wasn’t just a burglar/rapist/murderer; he was what nightmares are made of!  He would break into houses and make wives tie up their husbands, then put dishes on the husband’s back, threatening that if he heard the dishes rattle, he’d murder everyone in the house.  Then he’d rape the wife in another room, all the while her husband could do nothing, unless he wanted everyone to die.  One woman reported waking up in the middle of the night to a tapping noise and when she looked around, there was a man standing in her doorway, face covered by a balaclava, NO PANTS ON and tapping a knife against the door frame!  Sometimes DeAngelo would remain in the home for hours after the rape and eat the people’s food or be so silent that the women thought they were finally safe to move, but out of nowhere, he’d be right there to threaten her not to, terrorizing her again.  It’s even said he would do reconnaissance on his victims and break-in in advance to unlock windows or unload guns and even plant ligatures he would use later on!  (I apologize in advance if you will never sleep again!)  In spite of my knowledge about all of these horrible crimes, I actually cried for DeAngelo, now 74, while watching his hearing, which was streamed live on June 29, 2020.

You might be questioning who’s the bigger psychopath now, me or him, but let me explain!!  Seeing DeAngelo at that hearing brought about a lot of confusing feelings for me!  On one hand, the man who committed these crimes and got away with it for 45 years, needed to be brought to justice!  On the other hand, the frail man they wheeled into the courtroom, reminded me of my dad.  My dad was a frail 74 year old when he died.  DeAngelo hardly had a voice and when he did say something, he was soft spoken.  My dad didn’t say much, but when he did, he was soft spoken also.  For that reason, it was hard to look at DeAngelo and picture him as the evil person I’ve learned about.  He just looked like an old man.  Or like my dad.  Or like any other old man you’d see in his condition and feel a bit sorry for.  It’s like aging evens the playing field to where you can no longer distinguish someone’s past.  Were they a business mogul or were they homeless?  Were they a jock or a nerd?  the life of the party or a recluse?  a stand up citizen or a serial killer?  When you get older, you just look older and we assume you lived a good life and have that sweet grandparent demeaner.

My dad spent about 2 years in that nursing home, so anytime I visited I had the (dis)pleasure of seeing countless people parked in their wheelchairs, staring at a TV with vacant eyes, mouths gaping open and half their wits about them.  Your brain knows it’s the best or the safest place for these people, but your heart can’t help but hurt witnessing it and that’s part of the reason I cried during DeAngelo’s hearing.  I saw in him, what broke my heart every time I walked down the halls of that nursing home, but the main reason?  I just kept thinking about how this was the legacy this man was leaving behind!  How this is what he chose to do with his life?  This man has 3 daughters; probably some grandkids too!  Whether he was ever actually a loving father or grandfather to them, or had close friendships or career achievements, no longer matters.  When you Google his name, you’ll always find the words “American serial killer” tied to him now.  This is what he’ll be remembered for.  Forever.

Disclaimer: Just in case you misunderstood any of the above, let me clarify, I am not on DeAngelo’s side.  I do not feel bad for him.  Also, it later came out that the frail man I saw in the courtroom was all a façade.  If you’re curious to learn more about this case, listen to the Wondery/LA Times podcast Man in the Window, or watch HBO’s 6 part docu-series I’ll Be Gone in the Dark, which includes footage from after he was arrested.

Do You See What I See?

When I was in high school, a friend and I always gave nicknames to people.  The names were just between the 2 of us and either given to a crush we had, or to someone based off an encounter we had or observations we made about their appearance.  Some of the names were harmless, like my crush who we called “sexy breeding horse in a speedo” (don’t ask me why!) or how we called a guy named Rob, “the one who runs”, because at the end his date with my friend, he literally ran away, but some of the names were not very nice at all!  (No, you don’t get any examples of those!)  I remember one time, hearing that friend who I delegated nicknames with, telling someone else “Roxie is the best at insulting people!”.  At the time, I thought that was a great compliment, but now when I think about it, it’s pretty cringy!

Unfortunately for me (and you), I’m judgmental.  Personality tests have always confirmed this trait about me too, so it seems to be a quality that comes just as natural as my love of true crime!  Myers Briggs tells me I’m an ISFJ, J = JUDGING.  The Enneagram says I’m a type one – The Reformer.  Type one’s are “highly critical of both self and others; picky, judgmental, perfectionistic.”  Not only am I naturally judgmental, I’m also highly observant.  A combination that, when used for good, can actually be very helpful and constructive!  For example, I see things and pay attention to details that many people are completely oblivious to, so if you need an outsiders perspective on areas of inefficiency or things of the like, then having a critical eye is an asset!  However, when I use my powers for evil, that’s when you get the person who is “the best” at insulting people.  *cringe*

Be Friendly.  Duh.

I know this guy and everybody loves him.  Do you know one of these people too?  They’re the type that others are naturally drawn to.  Like, people just love them.  I love them!  And I’m jealous of them because that has never really been my experience.  Usually people are afraid of me when they first meet me, then after they get to know me a bit, they warm to me.  Years ago, that guy and I were walking down the street and, of course, every stranger smiled or started chatting with him and I finally asked – “what is it that you do that people just love you, because people never just love me!”  With a shrug, he said “I’m just friendly.”  Friendly huh?  Is it that easy?  But wait…I’m friendly – how come I never get the warm reception or interaction he gets?!

What’s Colder than Dry Ice?

Chazz Michael Michaels – But don’t let her fool you, she’s as cold as the ice she skates on.  She’s like dry ice.  Wait, she’s colder than that.  What’s colder than dry ice?

Jimmy MacElroy – I dunno.

Chazz Michael Michaels – I’ll tell you what is.  Oksana.

– Will Ferrell & Jon Heder, Blades of Glory (2007)

For most of my life, I’ve been told that I’m cold.  I just assumed it was because I’m more of a realist than some hippie, feely, “empath” (ugh, empaths! *insert eye roll here*), or because my shyness has a tendency to come off as disinterest, or because I’m not one of those girls who raises their voice 10 octaves to make themselves sound sweeter than they actually are.  Think Regina George in Mean Girls – “Omg, I love your skirt, where did you get it? // That is the ugliest effing skirt I’ve ever seen.”  That’s too fake for me and I don’t do fake.  Even though people have always told me I’m cold and I realize I’m not an overtly mushy person, I never really considered myself being that cold, because I know me.  I know I’m nice.  I know I’m fun.  I know I have a big heart.  However, after seeing first hand just how differently people reacted to that guy than they ever have to me, I needed to determine why, as warm as I might think I am, nobody sees that in me!

One word: RBF.  Ok, no, it’s not (entirely) that, but that certainly doesn’t help my cause!  What I discovered is that I purposely give off cold vibes, without realizing that I’m doing it on purpose!  It’s a form of protection.  I anticipate rejection, so when I’m alone and go into a group setting or a new and uncomfortable situation, I have a tendency to make myself unapproachable.  You see, because of that anticipated rejection, I would rather walk into a room and risk not being engaged with because I came across as cold, than walk into a room, smiling and super friendly, and not be engaged with.  At least the one outcome I controlled.  It was my choice, whereas if someone chose not to interact with me at my friendliest, then I’d be insulted and my self esteem would be hurt and I’d look like a fool, like Tai from this scene in Clueless:

clueless-tai

The problem with protecting myself though, was that I actually wanted people to approach me!  I wanted people to see me as friendly without having to get to know me first!  I wanted to be one of those people that others are naturally drawn to, but I wasn’t giving anyone the opportunity.  I was too busy trying to avoid an outcome that might not even happen!  

If you want to be seen as friendly, be friendly.

Return On Investment

As I’ve gotten older, one of the things that’s started to matter more to me is what people think of me.  Ok, it’s always mattered, but now it’s not in the same way as before.  Now it’s more – what am I known for?  What do people say about me or tell other people about me?  How will I be remembered?  What kind of legacy will I leave?

After my self discovery, I decided to give this “just friendly” thing a whirl.  Like I said, I already thought I was ‘just friendly’, but this time I would make myself more approachable on purpose.  I wouldn’t be fake or anything other than me, but I would certainly fake confidence!  I would smile and quit trying to protect myself.  If I looked like a fool, then I looked like a fool.  If people chose not to engage with me; their loss, because I’m awesome.  And that’s the attitude I went into those new and uncomfortable or group settings with anytime I was alone (and there’ve been a lot of those the last few years) and you know what?  Risking being friendly has a much higher ROI than being guarded ever has!

Last fall I joined a girls small group with a bunch of strangers and on one of our final evenings together we did an exercise where each person spent time in the hot seat, while the rest of the group went around and told you what they saw when they looked at you.  It could be anything from personality traits to gifts to skills to attributes and you know what?  Not one of the girls mentioned ever thinking I was cold!  Instead, they told me they saw a soft heart.  They saw good energy, resilience, beauty; inside and out, a natural leader, wit, confidence and my personal favorite – an atmosphere shifter!  That means my very presence can establish a new environment!  That’s amazing!  That’s what I want to be known for or remembered by, not for being cold or judgmental or “the best” at insulting people!  I know I won’t ever have kids of my own and maybe not even a husband to carry on my memory, but even though the family tree stops with me, I can still impact the people around me.  I want their lives to be better because they knew me and perhaps that’s my legacy.

So, if you died tomorrow, how would people remember you?  And how do you want them to remember you?  What legacy do you want to leave behind?  It’s never too early to work towards it, because legacy isn’t something that happens overnight!  Legacy is built through consistency of character!  Now with that in mind, go and build it!

Say What You Need to Say

/ Roxie / 1 Comment

Here’s the situation: Sometimes I wish people would just do as John Mayer instructed and say what they need to say! 

A little over a year ago, a girl I’d been friends with for nearly 6 years, decided to end the friendship by, well, starting a text conversation, but never replying to it.  Normally I wouldn’t let go of a friendship with such ease, but this particular one had wore me out.

We met through mutual friends after she moved to my city not knowing anyone and we got along instantly.  We were close in age, in the same stage of life, shared similar hopes, dreams, the same faith, and we seemed to enjoy spending our free time the same way, which made hanging out really easy!  She was inquisitive and great at drawing information from you and listening as you poured your heart out, especially when you were struggling.  However, when the tables were turned, she was super secretive, would deflect every question and brushed off things that mattered by cheekily saying “it’s better this way”.

It wasn’t.

I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to cultivate a friendship with someone who’s built impenetrable walls around themselves, topped those walls with razor wire and surrounded them with a moat filled with piranhas, but it’s emotionally taxing!  Getting to the depth of friendship that I’m used to and think is normal and healthy after knowing someone for 6 years and spending countless hours with them, was impossible with her!  It’s not like I was prying for her deepest darkest secrets either.  I just thought maybe we’d gotten close enough that, for example, she’d tell me about a date she went on over the weekend, after the date happened, rather than finding out 2 months down the road that she even had a date!  Isn’t that what friends do?  Share their lives with each other?

If she was wrestling with something, rather than reach out, she would seclude herself and quit replying to texts or worse, reply with passive short answers…and for weeks at a time!
K Fine Texts THIS ONE
And you knew it wasn’t all good, but because she would never tell you what was going on, it was hard not to take it personally!  I was always left wondering what I did or said that was wrong and it felt like I was constantly begging her to be my friend or allow me to be her friend.  It was very disheartening.

When she would finally emerge from her funk, we would have an open and honest conversation about what was going on, how she was feeling, how it made me feel when she withdrew without explanation and I’d remind her that I was her friend and I made a good friend, if she’d only let me!

Save the Drama For Your Mama

I wish I could say that her and I only ever had that issue once.  Unfortunately, that exact cycle of radio silence and chasing and heart-to-hearts happened about 4 times in a 6 year span.  I’ve maintained friendships for 20+ years without anything remotely close to that happening once!  By the last time, I’d grown weary of it all.  If things hadn’t changed after I’d addressed it every time before, they probably never would.  I knew it was only a matter of time before we’d be back at that same place and emotionally, I couldn’t go through it again.

One of the things she said to me in her last text was that she ‘always considered my best and ignored her discomfort‘.  The text came a couple days after we had hung out and had an in-person conflict, so that instance being the reference point, I understood the text to mean that she always did what I wanted to do, even when she wasn’t feeling it.  (And because she never texted back when I replied to her, I never got clarification.)  That statement frustrated me!  It still frustrates me.  If she felt that way, why didn’t she say something?!  If I suggested plans that she didn’t want to do or plans that actually made her uncomfortable, why didn’t she say so?  Or say no?  And how long had she felt like that?  Why didn’t she just tell me what she was thinking or feeling from the start?!

You Want the Truth?  You Can’t Handle the Truth!

As a whole, I don’t think we like to disappoint people.  Most of us are afraid to say no and we don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings either.  We don’t want to offend anyone, rock the boat or do anything that might lead to a confrontation and we really don’t like the vulnerability, and sometimes awkwardness, that comes with being honest!  Instead, we tell these seemingly harmless little white lies to placate a situation.  You know the ones.  “I’ll call you.”  “Sure, I’d love to!”  “It’s not you, it’s me.”  (“No, those pants don’t make you look fat!”)

And if we’re not saying something, like my former friend, we’re probably saying nothing at all and just going with the flow until we can’t handle the flow anymore.  That’s usually when everything bubbles to the surface and the very things we were avoiding by playing nice, erupt into something much larger, that didn’t have to happen if we had only been honest with each other!

Unmet expectations lead to future resentments.

I know the intent is pure, but when I’ve been lied to or shielded from the truth, simply because someone didn’t want to hurt my feelings, it almost seemed to hurt more than it might’ve had they just been honest from the beginning.  I mean, I’m a big girl – I can handle the truth!

Quit Playing Games With My Heart

As I get older, I’m really starting to appreciate when people are just plain honest with me.  Sure, sometimes honesty stings, but it really only stings for a moment.  Unlike the polite little lies we tell, when we’re honest, there’s nothing left in question.  Plus, honesty gives you a starting place to work from or an ending place to move from.

The easiest examples of this are from my past relationships.  More often than not I was ghosted, which is just rude and immature, but it’s also incredibly frustrating because you never know why or what happened!  It always took me way longer to get over these relationships too, since there was never any real closure.

The Great Ghost Debate

Ghosting – The practice of ceasing all communication and contact with a partner, friend or individual, without any apparent warning or justification and subsequently ignoring any attempts made by said partner, friend or individual to reach out or communicate.

I’ve heard arguments about what can actually be considered ghosting and what can’t.  For instance, if you went on 1 date and never heard from that person again, it technically isn’t ghosting.  I’m still on the fence about that, but in my instances of ghosting, there’s no debate.  A sudden drop of communication after dating someone for a month, 4 months, even up to 10 months…there was a definite poltergeist at hand.

Then there were the courteous break ups.  These are the ‘nice’ guys, who don’t want to hurt you, so they try to soften the blow by telling you all the amazing things about yourself.  “You’re the perfect woman.”  “Whoever ends up with you is going to be the luckiest guy.”  “I might regret this.”  (If you know me, you can probably hear how snidely I’m saying these lines.)  I don’t know if these guys realize they aren’t doing you any favors; they’re really just confusing you and making the break up even more difficult.  If I’m so great and you might regret this, why are you breaking up with me?!  The relationship might have closure, but your mind doesn’t.

Cause all you had to say was that you ain’t
Looking for commitment
Instead of telling me what I wanted to hear

– Shattered, Backstreet Boys

Lastly are my favorite break ups – if you can have a favorite break up.  These ones are rare because they take guts.  They usually take place in person and involve 100% honesty.  No-games, straight-up, here’s-exactly-what-I’m-thinking, here’s-exactly-what-I’m-feeling, mature conversations!  And they haven’t all been break ups either; sometimes they were just an honest dialog to discuss why we wouldn’t or shouldn’t start dating.  As agonizing and uncomfortable and heartbreaking as these conversations have the potential to be (for both parties involved), I always appreciate the transparency!  It’s actually so refreshing when you have someone tell it like it is and I WISH we practiced more of this in our day-to-day!

TBH

So why don’t we communicate better?  It’s the one thing we all do, every day; you’d think we’d want to do it well.

The greatest relationships (dating, friendships et al.) are the ones that bring out the best in you or help to make you the best version of yourself, but how can we do that for each other when we stay silent?  What’s wrong with letting someone know your expectations or telling them when they’ve hurt you?  Why can’t we just tell each other what we think or feel?  We should be able to be honest or call each other out on things and trust that we do have each others best interest at heart.  We also need to be open to hearing some truth too though.  That being said, these things should be done when there’s still the intent to work on the relationship, not as a final goodbye.  And remember, you can be honest, while still being kind!

Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from any enemy.

– Proverbs 27:6 (NLT)

21 Questions

/ Roxie / Leave a comment

Here’s the situation: I like results.  I’m the kind of weirdo who wants to see how much comes out of the vacuum canister after I’ve cleaned or look at a wax strip once all the hair has been ripped from my flesh.  If I’ve been working out, I want to see changes in my body or if I’ve been saving money, I want to notice my bank balance go up.  I just want the assurance that the work I’ve been putting in is getting results and I haven’t completely been wasting my time!

If you’ve been single, or a Christian, or a single Christian for any length of time, you’ve probably been on the receiving end of some of the most annoying comments and/or unhelpful advice people like to give.  I’ve often thought of writing a book one day filled with these things to help prevent anyone from repeating them in the future!  I know they come from a good place and I appreciate everyone’s desire to try and encourage, but you should know, your words aren’t doing me any favors.  Here’s a sample of what I’m talking about, with a glimpse into what goes through my mind while I’m blankly staring at you and politely smiling:

You need to get married, it’s so awesome!
Right, ok, I’ll just pop out and do that because it’s super easy and I haven’t been trying to for 20 years!

Your story will encourage others one day!
Oh gee, I’m so happy I could go through this to make someone else feel better…

Then there’s these 2:
God’s more concerned with your growth than your happiness.  /  Focus on your eternity instead.
Wow, so encouraging, thank you oh sainted one!  How could my human nature possibly be thinking about wanting to enjoy this life, when the idea that there are rubies awaiting my crown in heaven should be enough to tide me over another 40 years?!

Hey man, nobody said what goes through my mind was mature!

Last, certainly not least, but possibly my least favorite:
BECOME THE PERSON, THE PERSON YOU ARE LOOKING FOR, IS LOOKING FOR
Insert eye roll here.  I didn’t use to dislike this one as much.  In fact, I used to think it was rather brilliant, but now it just seems to be a Christian cliché.

The Becoming

As a *cough*orty something year old, that line does nothing more than create frustration in me, whereas when I first heard it in my late 20s, it was encouraging.  After a series of unsuccessful relationships, it shifted my focus and gave me a project, and since I’m task oriented, I love a to-do list!  Plus, it seemed like such a simple formula.  Put in the work and get your desired outcome!  If, by chance, I was the common denominator that made every relationship not work, I was ready to get my crap sorted out and get this show on the road!!  The sooner I became, the sooner I would be found!

And so, armed with my revolutionary new mindset, I went to work.  I listened to messages about healthy marriages and watched couples interact so that I knew what to model myself after (or not).  I asked people around me if they saw an area in me that I needed to work on, but had overlooked.  I worked on getting my finances in order, because debt isn’t cute!  And since I was going to become this amazing wife that someone would be looking for, I figured maybe I should learn how to cook!  Over the years I built a simple, but tasty, repertoire of meals, not to mention my recent feat of becoming Suzy FREAKING Homemaker with the jams and the perogies and the cinnamon buns!

It’s now been at least 12 years since first taking the steps towards “becoming the person” and still nobody is buying what I’m selling!  Does that mean I still haven’t become that person yet?  Seriously, how long is this process?  Ok, don’t answer that, because I know what you’re thinking – we’re always in the process of becoming Rox!  Yeah yeah, I get that, but I know some jacked up people who didn’t have to “become” anything, so if I’m being required to, how jacked up am I?  How come it seems that some of us have to spend all of this extra time in the oven, when others are served raw?  And it’s not all frustration about “becoming” for a relationship.  Sometimes it’s the frustration of “becoming” for the future whatever-I-may-need-to-be.

milkshake

Purpose Driven Life

The frontal lobe of the brain is responsible for reasoning, motor skills, emotion and language and I’m pretty sure, like most, my reasoning and emotions are in a constant battle.  My reasoning side is what you may call a pessimist, but I call a realist.  It’s unnecessarily logical and always pointing out the facts.  My emotional side is like a dirty hippie named Starflower, who wants to run free, dance like no one is watching and believes dreams actually do come true!  In my case, reasoning usually muscles out Starflower and that might be a good thing most of the time, but unfortunately, it also gives me an overwhelming need to know WHY.  Why did certain people come into my life?  Or leave for that matter?  Why did [this] or [that] happen, or work, or not work out?  I need to rationalize, make sense of, or justify things in order to be satisfied with the answer.  I don’t know that I believe in coincidences, so there has be a purpose behind it all and I want to know what it is!

Everything Happens for a Reason

A few months before I bought the condo I’m in, I had actually purchased a different one.  It had my 3 requirements: it was in the neighborhood I wanted, it had underground parking and it had in suite laundry.  Bonus – it was also significantly below my budget!  I was so excited to have found such a cute little place!  I immediately started to plan out everything in my head; how I’d set up my room, how I’d decorate and what color I’d paint the place as soon as I moved in – I was thinking grey.  Of course, the place had some flaws, but no deal breakers.  The appliances were older and a few of them would likely need to be replaced within a year, plus the laminate was installed poorly and an ugly brown, so I knew I’d eventually want to change that too and I already knew what I’d go with!  While I was busy mentally moving in and entertaining guests, the lender was busy denying me.  The sellers had accepted my offer, I had a downpayment and I had a perfect credit score, how could I be denied?!  I was told that it had to do with the lender requirements of how the building was constructed of all things and none of it had to do with me!  It was completely out of my control!  The sale fell through and I was crushed.  How would I ever find something so great again?!

Fast forward 3 months to the place I’m in now.  It was a bit more money, but still under my budget.  It didn’t have my 3 requirements either, but it was only 5 minutes from where I wanted to be, it had the exact flooring that I would’ve chose for the other place, the appliances were brand new and it was already painted the perfect shade of grey (and if you’ve ever tried to find the perfect grey, you know it’s not easy!).  When I moved in, I didn’t have to change or update anything, or even plan to change or update anything in the future!  It also gets way more natural light than I would’ve at the other place, which I’ve come to realize is very important to me and even though I didn’t get my in suite laundry, there are 3 washers and dryers just down the hall from my unit and I can finish all of my laundry in under 2 hours – who else can really say that?  Oh yea, did I mention I have access to a tennis court and an outdoor pool too?  (Even though an outdoor pool is completely unnecessary in Canada!)

When You Haven’t Found That Reason Yet

I love to trace back and see what got me to where I am.  It’s that assurance that what I’ve been doing hasn’t been a total waste.  It’s that full vacuum canister!  On the other hand, when your path seems to have led nowhere and you don’t have answers to your questions, it can make the present difficult to accept.

By now, it’s no secret that I always wanted to get married.  To be a wife and take care of a spouse and live in suburbia with my husband was the apex.  I never wanted to birth babies or really raise young kids for that matter, but I always thought when I was older, it would be nice to have a family (of grown children).  And if I was going to be a mom, I wanted to be a young mom, however that ship sailed a loooong time ago!  Over the years I dated a number of guys who already had kids and I thought – if this works out, I get to skip the steps I never wanted to do, but get that grown family in the end, so this path checks out!  As you know though, things didn’t work out that way.  Or any of those ways actually, leaving me to try and reason why.  Why did the good Lord give me the desire to be married if I’m just going to be single forever?  He could’ve left that little part out of my DNA and I’d be none the wiser.  Why did I spend all that time preparing to be an amazing wife or learning how to cook if it’s only ever going to be for me?  I had no problem with my lack of kitchen skills or my sad diet of salad and rice cakes with melted cheese!  Plus it kept me way thinner!

As the aforementioned dream slowly died over the years, I had to find a new one!  In fact, the cookie cutter life that was once the goal, now seems too small!  Yes, I do still hope to get married one day, but living an ordinary life has become my greatest fear!  With the vision of my new future in mind, I can look back and recognize instances that would’ve been preparing me for where I’m headed.  There’s a snag though.  That new dream is nowhere near the realm of anything I’m capable of and far, far, far outside of my comfort zone.  So why did my original dream have to be replaced with something even bigger and more impossible, when I couldn’t even accomplish the small one?  Why does it feel like the path has been leading me to a place I can see, but am not sure I’ll ever reach?  And why is the person I need to be for that future, not the person I actually am?

Don’t Place a Period Where God Put a Comma

Here’s what I know.  I know nothing!  And I’m learning just how little I know, more and more every day!  I’m also s l o w l y learning to be ok with not knowing or being able to figure it all out.  Things (do) have a way of working out (in time).  Look at the condo; the second one turned out to be way better than the first, so I guess I don’t really need to understand everything, I just like to.  And all of those relationships that didn’t work and the impossible dreams that grew and the “becoming” I’ve been going through – the WHY’s will be clear one day and I’ll look back, as with everything else in my life, and see that there was a purpose in it all.  But for now, we wait!  …and we try to wait patiently, even though we feel we might be over baked…

Game Changer

/ Roxie / 6 Comments

Here’s the situation: I never thought finding love would be one of life’s challenges.  As I get older and it continues to evade me, I’m starting to wonder how anyone has ever successfully accomplished it.

Rom-coms.  The story lines are predictable, unoriginal and recycled every few years, but it doesn’t matter, I still love ’em!  Specifically Adam Sandler ones; I can’t explain.  My head’s not so far up in the clouds though that I can’t see how far fetched, implausible and unhealthy they actually are!  Have you ever kept track of the timeline in a romance movie?  Generally from when the couple meets until they are professing their undying love for each other, maybe 2 weeks have passed.

If movies were true to life and you had a friend telling you about their new love interest, which reflected the plot of some of our favorites, you’d likely question their overall stability.  And if you were a good friend, you’d probably give them some unwanted advice!  Let’s look at Titanic, Pretty Woman, The Holiday and Romeo and Juliet (the version with Leonardo DiCaprio is the only one I’ll watch, of course) – Rose cheated on her fiancé with Jack.  Vivian is a hooker.  Graham knocks on the door of Amanda Woods, a total stranger, and an hour later they have sex and Romeo kills himself over Juliet, then Juliet kills herself over Romeo.  Shakespeare tells us Juliet is 13 and guesses are Romeo would be around 16.  This is not romantic, this is crazy!  These people make terrible life choices but for some reason we lose all logic and wish our love stories were that magical.   (Until the person who cheated on their fiancé with you, cheats on you with someone else…)

Bad Boys, Bad Boys, Whatcha Gonna Do?

Another popular plot is that of the bad boy who changes their bad boy ways for a girl.  Ryan Gosling did it for Emma Stone in Crazy, Stupid, Love.  Barney Stinson did it for Robin in How I Met Your Mother.  Heck, even Dexter, who is supposedly devoid of human emotion, with no interest in romance, fell in love with 2 women.  Ok so he’s the exception and didn’t change his murderous ways for them, but he’s not supposed to be capable of love and even he fell in love!  We love these story lines!  If you ever watched The OC, you can’t tell me you weren’t hoping that Volchok would become a nice guy when he went to the prom with Marissa!  It’s what we root for!  Guys often wonder why girls date jerks or are attracted to bad boys, or why any woman would seek after a man in prison.  I think the misconception is that women want to change men, but I’m more convinced that women idealize the notion that a man would change for her.

Da-Na-Na-Na, Da-Na-Na-Na (Ch Ch)

I think it was Beverly Hills 90210 that made the bad boy appealing to me.  Of all the years I watched, one scene still stands out, because I remember thinking it was so romantic.  It giphyshouldn’t surprise you that I own seasons 1 to 5 on DVD, so because I have half of the show at my fingertips, I did some digging to find that scene.  It was season 1, the original air date was January 3, 1991 and fittingly enough, the episode was titled Isn’t It Romantic?

Brenda and bad boy Dylan blow off a movie and go back to his place, which happens to be a hotel suite, because it’s Beverly Hills and that’s where people live apparently.  He’s surprised to find his father back in town and hosting a business meeting “at home”.  His dad pulls him into another room and you can hear the muffled yells of an argument.  Dylan comes out of the room, walks to the bar to pour himself a drink and Brenda says “you don’t drink do you?”, to which Dylan wittingly replies “only at family reunions.”  Brenda pleads “c’mon don’t, you’re driving me home!” and a brooding Dylan rasps “come on, let’s get outta here.”  He storms out of the hotel with Brenda in tow, clapping back as she tries to appease the situation.  They end up in a screaming match, he breaks a flower pot and she runs away.  He chases after her, grabs her and holds her tight, all the while apologizing.  She exclaims “you’re scaring me” and with remorseful tear-filled eyes, Dylan calms down, they embrace, then share their first kiss.  A week later he’s a changed man and they’re a full blown couple.  Isn’t it romantic?  Hmmm, not really actually.  29 years later I can see the red flags more than the romance, but as a preteen, it seemed like such a romantic gesture!  Dylan liked her enough to chase after her.  Dylan liked her enough to tame his bad boy ways!

I was personally afflicted with the bad boy bug for many years for a few different reasons; low self esteem, finding ‘safety’ in someone who other people wouldn’t mess with, etc.  I had no intention of changing them, but I certainly enjoyed the idea that maybe they would and it would all be because of their love for me!!  *sigh*  Looking back I think I was more interested in the story that could-be, than the guys themselves.  And spoiler alert – they never changed.  Not for me at least.

MythBusters

Sometimes our own conclusion about why things didn’t work out makes it easier for us to swallow.  But then we see what didn’t work for us, work for someone else and our theory gets blown out of the water.

I can say with all certainty that being a Christian has largely contributed to why I’m still single.  It’s always been a deal breaker.  A guy may be interested and he may even know I’m a Christian, but after finding out that I actually live like one, there’s a guy-shaped hole in the door – he can’t get out fast enough!  Any boyfriends who were willing to come to church with me, promptly broke up with me and sometimes even just male friends who came quit talking to me within the week.  I became afraid to tell any guy I liked just how Christian I was, since I knew it started the countdown to the end of the relationship.  I know at least 5 girls though, who successfully and non-intentionally “missionary dated”.  The guys who were willing to go to church with them, became Christians, had their lives radically changed and went on to marry those girls.  (And if you’re wondering why I don’t just date Christians in the first place – it’s my preference and I try to, but it’s hard finding one!)

For many years I assumed I was single because I wasn’t attractive enough.  You might remember me telling you about two guys in particular who made me feel this way; the one who wouldn’t date me because I “wasn’t his type” and the other one who “only dated models”.  When I found out they were married, naturally I assumed their wives would be stunning.  I mean, they must’ve married the hottest girls.  Thanks to the magic of Facebook, I’ve seen pictures of their wives and you know what?  They’re super plain!  Nothing that would stand out in a crowd, certainly not models and if I’m being completely petty, I think I’m way more attractive!

I went on a few dates with a guy who turned out to be a total player.  I quite liked him but he told me he didn’t want a girlfriend, because he just wanted to “get his rocks off”.  That player got married and had kids.  A different guy I was interested in, met one of my friend’s coworkers at a work event.  I was very threatened by this.  This girl was beautiful, young, fun and confident.  She’s the kind of girl that girls want to be and that guys want to be with.  I knew if she was also interested in him and he was given the choice between the two of us, he’d pick her.  To my surprise, he didn’t like her.  (He didn’t like me either.)  After spending a brief amount of time with her, he had some legitimate problems with her character and expressed to my friend how disinterested he was.  Seven days later though, he started spending all of his free time with her.  Whaaa?  Did I miss something here?!

I’m really happy that none of those relationships worked out for me, but it still leaves me to wonder – what made all of those guys change their minds or change their ways for those girls?

The Secret

A deep, healthy or even mutual love has been so far from my reality and seems so far from my reality, that when I hear other people’s love stories, it’s almost a foreign concept to me.  Like – that happened for you, in real life?!  A guy you’ve known for a month moved across the country to be with you?  I can barely find a guy in the same city who stays interested for a month!  A guy said “I love you” to you and didn’t later tell you he never meant it?  You mean to tell me you went on a holiday for a week and your boyfriend didn’t dump you via text message so he could have sex with a girl and not feel guilty about it?  Dang gurl, you hit the jackpot!

My friends have told me stories about something their spouse did that wasn’t overtly romantic, but showed how deeply they were loved.  I’ve seen the Valentine’s posts and anniversary messages of guys on social media bragging about how their wife/girlfriend is the best thing that ever happened to them.  Or more recently, about how there’s no one they’d rather be quarantined with.  I’ve known real life bad boys, jerks, womanizers, hot messes and Slutty McSlutterson’s and seen them change, soften, commit and care for a girl in ways you would never think possible, given their persona.  It’s all the things you’d expect at the end of a good rom-com.  Maybe movies aren’t always so far fetched and unrealistic?

So how does anyone ever successfully find love?  Is it just luck?  Is it right time/right place?  “When you know”, do you really just know?  WHAT’S THE GAME CHANGER?

I met a girl and she is a game changer.

– Ryan Gosling, Crazy, Stupid, Love (2011)

Raise the Bar

/ Roxie / 1 Comment

Here’s the situation: I’m getting annoyed watching so many people settle for less than what they want or deserve!  Keep your standards high and let people rise up to your level, rather than bend down to theirs!

People are waiting longer and longer to get married or start a family.  The reasons range from things like wanting to establish a career first, traveling while they’re young and free, or waiting until they’re financially ready for a wedding and a baby.  I have a lot to say about this and not much of it is in support of waiting as long as people do, but while I could argue the pros of settling down younger, the fact that I wasn’t able to, makes me appreciate this shift in culture!  Where I would’ve once been considered a spinster, now I’m just an empowered woman!  It has become much more acceptable to be where I’m at in life, which hasn’t always been the case, especially not in church culture!

“Normal”

My mom comes from a family of 14 children, most of whom had 4 to 5 kids of their own, so to say I have a lot of cousins would be an understatement.  Growing up, I had a picture of life; you graduate, you meet someone and you get married.  That was normal.  It’s not a message that was pushed by my parents, but rather something subliminal I picked up on from hearing about my many cousins who did just that.  In fact, one of my cousins was also my best friend and she met someone in high school, graduated in June and married in October.  She was 18.  I was 16 and a half.  I assumed by the time I turned 18, I would follow the footsteps of all those cousins before me, but that didn’t happen.  By my own definition, I’m not normal!

Party Like It’s 1999

I vividly remember being 17 and wanting a boy to like me so badly, but they didn’t.  You read about how I was a late bloomer in The Pursuit of Perfection, so guys weren’t even interested in me until I was 19, already putting me a year behind schedule.  The only reason guys started to like me was thanks to their beer goggles, but I didn’t care, I was finally being noticed!  I had quit attending church in high school because it wasn’t “cool” and I wanted to fit in, so if fitting in at 19 meant going to the bar with my friends and a side effect was having drunk guys look my direction, I was perfectly ok with that!

From about 19 to 25 I spent every weekend partying with friends, or “just going dancing”, as I told my mom before I moved out at 22 so she wouldn’t know what I was really up to.  I could regale many a tale from those years – they were a blast!…but I knew the days were numbered and that I’d eventually end up back in church.  As much fun as I was having, I still just wanted to be “normal” and get married, but I also knew I would never marry a non-Christian.  You don’t exactly cross paths with too many Christians while partying, and if you do, they miiiiight not be as Christian as they say (or if they are, perhaps they shouldn’t be interested in you).

As my friends and I aged out of the bar scene, they met guys and settled down and there I was; able to attract men now, just not the kind I actually wanted.

Prodigal Son

When I’d finally had enough of living the same weekend year after year after year without any forward momentum, I headed back to church.  Were my intentions pure because I loved Jesus and wanted to get right with the Lord?  No.  Hardly.  I wanted to find that Christian man.  Little did I know that at 26 years old, I was long past my prime in the church world!  You see, Christians used to get married (extra) young!  A lot of them met someone in youth group or they attended bible college right out of high school, aka, bridal college, so if you made it past 23 unwed, 1) something must be wrong with you and 2) you missed your window of opportunity because all of the guys were already taken!  When I did have a couple of “Christians” interested in me, I couldn’t afford to turn them down!  And so, for many, many years, I lowered my standards and tried to settle.

Oh Honey, No

I can always rant about The Bachelor, but this season in particular has me wondering – are these women extra awful or am I finally aging out of this BS?  And Peter?  He might be the worst bachelor since Juan Pablo.  This season is terr·i·ble!!  Peter aside, watching these women makes me sad for our gender and how low our bar seems to be set!

Being a pilot, it would only be fitting that Peter takes a group date to “Flight School”.  For the sake of love, the girl who gets motion sickness allows herself to be spun about in a machine that simulates turbulence.  A real metaphor for love, amirite?!  (Bachelor fans will understand.)  After she’s unstrapped, she heads to the washroom, feeling nauseous.  Peter goes to check on her and brings her a bottle of water.  She can’t believe what a gentleman he is.  Seriously?!  A guy brings you a bottle of water when you don’t feel well and you swoon?

It’s not just young girls on The Bachelor either.  Let’s talk about Dirty John.  Debra Newell, a successful business woman, falls for a guy she meets online.  If you’re unfamiliar with the rest of this true story, do yourself a favor and go listen to the podcasts (or watch the Netflix show based on the podcast).  Without spoiling too much, John turns out to be a psycho con artist and somebody dies.  Who and how you can find out for yourself.  Point is, Debra first fell for Mr. Crazypants because when they went on dates he would ask her questions about herself.  That’s it?!  Are we really that desperate or starved to find a good man that that’s all it takes to fall for one?  A man who asks you questions?!  This does not reflect well for men or women!

I can’t fault these women without also faulting myself!  One day a bad boy I really liked and had been seeing off and on for years without ever actually being his girlfriend, got a fish tank.  I swooned.  “Omigosh, he’s taking care of living creatures!  He cares about something!”  Seriously Rox?  Yes, he cares about fish but not you, you dummy!  Or there’s the guy who was rude to me, my family, to strangers, he only had 1 friend, no vehicle, no furniture and owned 2 cats.  (Never trust a single guy who owns cats.)  The only reason I gave him a chance was because he was “Christian” (he wasn’t) and he liked me.  Sooooo, that’s all it took to win me over?  Unfortunately yes.  I got engaged to that guy!  (To my credit, I did later break off that engagement!)

So why do we do that?!  Why do we allow ourselves to settle when we know we deserve better?

Tick Tock, It’s Freak Out O’Clock

I can’t speak for you, but if you’re a woman over a certain age (particularly a Christian woman and maybe even some men too), you’ve probably sensed the judgment of others or felt the pressure to find someone.  Maybe it’s entirely pressure you’ve put on yourself because the timeline you planned has passed or the ticking of your biological clock is a countdown for panic to set in.  I imagine I’m not the only one whose allowed fear or frustration to lead me into relationships with people I never pictured for my life.  You know, like the fear that if [this] person wasn’t interested in you, maybe nobody else would be?  Or if you upheld your standards and convictions, maybe nobody would ever meet them or you’d be left without any options and stay single for a really long time, possibly forever.  There comes a moment when you figure, you better take what you can get!

plenty-of-fish

And just because I’m a Christian doesn’t mean I don’t get super pissed off at God from time to time too.  He claims that He’ll give me the desires of my heart, but that hasn’t happened and I’m supposed to trust His timing, yet He’s sure not in any hurry!  Doesn’t He realize how old I’m getting?  In fact, this frustration perpetuates a cycle for me.  I get broken up with and after the crying has subsided, I decide that I’m going to keep my standards up and trust God for my future relationship.  After all, He’s God and must have someone in mind for me, so I’ll hold out for that, since everything I’m trying hasn’t worked.  After a couple of years of random dates with no success, my patience wears thin and I start to lower my standards again because keeping them up proves to be a lost cause.  The thing I’ve learned about myself, is that once I’ve allowed someone in my heart, even a little bit, I will start to like them, whether they’re the kind of person I’ve been holding out for or not.  I am a settler.  (Hello!…engaged to the rude cat guy!)  Unfortunately (and fortunately!), as many times as I’ve tried to settle, something deep within me has never allowed it…

Settle Down Now

Maybe recognizing my cycle was the first step to not being caught up in it again.  Unfortunately, I’ve known too many girls over the years who have successfully settled.  The wrong guy was interested in them now and they didn’t want to wait for the right one later.  At the time I was really jealous of these girls, because they seemingly got the dream, but looking at it now, when you have to lose who you are in order to get that, I don’t think it’s much of a dream anymore.  If I have to compromise my beliefs for the sake of a man, no thanks.  I’ll continue to hold out for the one I won’t have to do that for!  I finally like myself enough to keep my standards up and I’ve made it this late in life single, I don’t know why I would settle now!

Maniacal Laugh

There was a time when I was super bitter about being single and I would think – one day I’ll show you!  I’ll show all of you!  Everyone who told me I was too picky and everyone who told me to lower my standards.  I’ll get the best man out of anyone and prove that I knew what I was doing all along and that this is what you wait for!  …  But I can’t prove that yet.  And maybe I’ll never be able to.  So, how can I tell you to value yourself, hang on to what’s important to you and never settle because it will all be worth it one day, when I don’t have the success story to back it up?

Here’s what I do know though.  The girls who settled… The girl who moved in with her boyfriend in hopes that it would bring him closer to marrying her.  She’s still living with him all these years later, but not married yet.  The girl who told me she wanted a Christian but said they were too hard to find so she settled for “a decent guy”.  She’s not happy.  In fact, she might be the most unhappy person I know.  Or the girl who wanted a man to fill a void and give her value.  She got a man, but he didn’t fill that void or give her value so a man didn’t solve the problem.  So yes, I may be single.  I may not have the”normal” life I wanted and I may still be hoping that one day I can prove to myself that my wait hasn’t been in vain, but I can honestly say, I am more content with my life right now having never settled than I would be had I successfully done so!

Remember, it’s easier to set your standards higher before you meet someone, than trying to raise them after the fact.

All By Myself

/ Roxie / 1 Comment

Here’s the situation: It’s hard to make new friends as an adult!

I left an event recently and as I walked to my car, my eyes began to fill with tears.  I did the typical girl thing to make sure none of them actually escaped;  I blinked in rapid succession, waved my hands in front of my eyes and willed myself to ‘stop it’, but I could not gain control.  Within seconds of getting into my car I was bawling, in a parking lot, hoping no one would see me.  The only words I could get out, to no one but myself, were “I’m so tired of doing life alone!”.

Marry Your Best Friend

It should be common sense, but it took me more than a few crappy relationships before deciding that finding someone should actually enrich my life.  I may not always be thrilled to be single and I may not be in the position to be too selective anymore, but I’m not the type of girl who is going to settle for someone, just for the sake of having someone.  I’m not that desperate.  My life if pretty good actually and doesn’t need rescuing from some knight, so if I’m not going to be with someone who adds more value and enjoyment to what I already have, then I’d rather be single.  Now, I never wanted to be, or thought I’d be single at this age, but until recently, I never felt that single, because in a sense, I’ve had 2 spouses, just in best friend form.

My first “spouse” was my first roommate.  We lived together for 4 years and did everything together.  Worked together, worked out together, tanned together (separately), partied together…  I spent Christmases and Easters with her family or even just family dinners and games nights, I was there.  Our neighbors thought we were ‘partners’ and many people thought we were sisters.  We grocery shopped and ran errands together.  We just did life together.  When she got married, I moved in with my cousin, my second “spouse”, and we ended up living together for 11 years!  Even though our day to day lives weren’t quite so intertwined (different jobs, different hours, etc), similar to my first roommate, we did life together too, plus actually being blood relatives helped.  People who didn’t know us well thought we were either lesbians, sisters or eerily close friends.  The first time I’ve ever lived alone was after she got married.  It’s nice to have your own space and reign over Netflix and I’m one of those people who recharges alone, but it gets lonely.  Having a companion always made everything more fun, even the boring stuff.

Plus None

In all my years, there have only been 2 times that I brought a (male) date to an event and they were both with my then fiancé.  (Truth be told, I probably didn’t want him to come, but felt obligated out of fiancé-ly duty.  Reason #179 why we didn’t get married!).  Generally any sort of work party, wedding or other gala I get invited to, I know the people I’ll be around, so unless I’m actually in a relationship, I don’t often invite a date.  You just have to babysit them to make sure they’re having a good time or don’t get left alone, so unless I really like you, I can’t be bothered to bring a date, like I said above, for the sake of having a date.  I’ve grown accustomed to attending things alone, but sometimes there are moments that remind you just how alone you really are.

It was another wedding sans plus one.  I was friends with a bunch of people attending and told I’d be seated with a group I knew, so it was all good, I didn’t need a date.  I arrived at the reception and found my name on the seating chart.  Perfect – a round table of eight; 3 couples, myself and another girl whose husband couldn’t attend.  Only, last minute the husband could attend, so the seating chart attendant now had the unfortunate role of shuffling people around.

My emotions were heightened due to this wedding.  After these vows, I would be the last remaining single in this group of friends and being older than all of them, my time should’ve come first!  The seating chart attendant couldn’t have known how sensitive I was at that moment, so when she asked to move me, stating it was easiest because “you are the only one who’s single“, it felt like having a flaw that you’re self conscious of, but you don’t think anyone notices.  Only then you find out that not only do they notice it, they point it out to you!  For the sake of not making a scene, I obliged (while silently cursing everyone and their livelihood) and I was reassured that I would be moving to another table of people I knew.  It was true, I knew all but 1 person assigned there, however, I wasn’t aware that they all had jobs to do at the wedding and wouldn’t be able to sit!  Photographers, servers, a DJ and an emcee.  There I sat, already feeling ostracized, with a glaringly obvious reminder that I was alone – 7 empty chairs.  After about 15 minutes seething with white hot inner rage and fighting off tears, the one stranger at my table arrived and he didn’t have a role besides bridesmaid’s boyfriend, so the 2 of us sat while our table mates popped in and out, up and down.

The evening turned out to be fine, but it is etched into my brain.  The only one who’s single.  I swear it could’ve been scripted for a movie.  Single girl, upset about being single, goes to a wedding alone, gets bumped from her table because she’s alone and winds up at a table, sitting alone.  Of course, in the movie version, I would’ve had a meet-cute with the man of my dreams and lived happily ever after.  Instead I did wedding themed mad libs with a bridesmaid’s boyfriend.

meet-cute (noun)

(in a film or television show) An amusing or charming first encounter between two characters that leads to the development of a romantic relationship between them.

White Flag

I was texting with an old old friend recently and she asked “so, still happily single?”.  I snickered to myself and replied “more like, kind of accepted it”.  Acceptance is a weird place to be as someone who’s wanted to get married for 20+ years, but I think I might’ve actually, maybe, sort of, finally become ok with the potential for #foreveralone.  Wait, let me rephrase that.  I’ve had to become ok with it.  I’ve cried enough.  There’s really no point wasting any more time wanting something that I can’t make happen, so I’ve finally thrown my hands up and surrendered.

I like to think that things won’t stay this way forever and I have moments where the reality of that is overwhelming, but spending so much time being single has kind of forced me to shift my focus.  Rather than being on the lookout for a good man only to be disappointed each time I see one who catches my eye and is already taken, I decided to make other goals and while I pursue them, enjoy the days, do fun things and live life with my friends.  Unfortunately, as my plans for life were getting bigger, my social circle kept getting smaller.  My close friends are now all married or starting families.  Some switched churches so I didn’t see them as often, some moved away and some just stopped being my friend altogether.  Life happens, but when your plan is to enjoy life with others and suddenly it feels like you’ve lost all your others, that’s when you have parking lot meltdowns about being alone!

I know I’m not unique to it, but very few people have had the experience of staying single (never married) until they’re 40 and unless you’ve lived it, I don’t think you can truly compute how isolating it can be at times.  I love my friends and they are more important to me than they probably realize, but it’s easy to be unintentionally forgotten about.  Spouses and children and building a life together with someone takes precedence, understandably, but because of the accompanying “busyness” and obligations, many times it seems like if you weren’t the one reaching out, you’d never hear from anyone!  I really felt pushed this year to expand my circle and try to make more friends.

F•R•I•E•N•D•S

Nobody ever really talks about hard it is to make new friends as an adult.  It’s like some secret that we’ve been told to keep, but we’ve ALL been told it, so it’s not really a secret, we just have to act like nobody else knows the truth.  When the topic comes up though, everybody emphatically agrees and has a lot to say.   In my quest to make more friends this year, I learned I wasn’t the only one who had these struggles!

1. Where do you even go to make friends as an adult?!

When you’re young there’s youth group and school or parties and pubs/clubs.  Even after as young as 25 there aren’t many environments created to cultivate friendship.  You can’t just quit your job so that you can go work with new people and hope that they become your friends.  You might have a hobby and the opportunity to meet other like-minded people if you took a class or joined a club, but if these things aren’t options, where do you go?  There’s no speed dating for friends and there might be websites, but that’s a little too weird to me!

2. We’re all uncomfortable and afraid of rejection

Remember when you were a kid and your parents tossed you in a room with some other kid and you immediately started playing together?  It’s not like that anymore!  As you get older, you have a tendency to approach things with more caution.  It’s a side effect of life experience and I think we all wonder if people are going to like us.  I’ve had my fair share of experiences that have caused me to automatically assume people won’t like me because I’m not good enough for them.  Or they’ll only like me until they meet my cooler, funner, more outgoing, more spontaneous friends.  I mean, it’s happened multiple times in the past, who’s to say it wouldn’t happen again, right?  I’ve also met some really bold and confident people who have since told me that they were so nervous to ask me to hang out or have coffee.  I guess technically it’s almost like asking someone on a date – the potential to be rejected, even on a friendship level, is always there!

3. Where do I fit in?

We’re drawn to what we can identify with.  That’s why couples befriend other couples and moms gravitate to other moms, but where do I fit in?  Girls my age have husbands and teenage children.  Girls 10 years younger than me have husbands and young children.  I guess I have the most in common with someone in their 20’s and though I feel young, let’s be honest, my culture references, sayings, jokes and where I’m at in life are not the same.  How much do they want me lingering around (or how much do I want to linger around) before I come off a little too Amy Poehler in Mean Girls?

cool-mom

4. We all get lonely and we all make assumptions

Making assumptions is probably our biggest mistake and I know I’m guilty of it!  Often I won’t bother asking people if they want to do something because I assume that because they have a spouse, they want to spend all of their time with them or because they have kids that they are busy.  Then I found out, these people aren’t asking me if I want to do something because they assume I’m living some wild single life and won’t want to do some boring married person activity or hang out with a kid nearby.  Do I want to go to Gymboree or watch The Wiggles with you, for sure no, but if all you can do in this season of your life is go for a walk with your stroller, I have legs, I can walk!  I’d rather work around a few complications and see my friend than not see them at all.  But instead of making a move, what do either of us do?  We assume the other won’t want to get together for various reasons, don’t bother texting and we stay at home, feeling lonely and rejected because of our own misconceptions!

Just Do It

A man who has friends, must himself be friendly. – Proverbs 18:24 NKJV

We were created to be in relationship and we all desire companionship of some kind.  Friendships are so important!  The married families need to realize that we singles need them, just as much as they need us.  We each bring something unique to the table, but we’ll never learn from one another if we don’t spend time with one another!  So, the next time you draw back thinking that people will be too busy to get together with you, the least you could do is ask.  Or if you’re too nervous to ask someone new to hang out, embrace the awkwardness!  Chances are, they’re just as nervous and awkward as you.  You can meet some awesome people, like me for instance, once you break through that first moment of discomfort!

I expect my calendar to fill up now…just sayin’.

 

 

 

Let’s Talk About Sex…The Opposite Sex

/ Roxie / Leave a comment

Here’s the situation: I believe there is an identity crisis happening with men in our country and I think women might be responsible for it.  (Oh snap, I’m going there!)

I’ve been told before that I am an enigma, which might be true because at times, I even puzzle myself.  I am extremely private and only share what I want, when I want and with whom I want.  At the same time though, I am an open book!  If you ask me anything, as long as I know you’re not just trying to start a debate, I have no problem answering you truthfully and vulnerably.

Even more puzzling, I desire to be known, yet one of my pet peeves is when people who don’t really know me, think they do.  Ya’ll don’t know me!  For whatever reason, it gets my back up when (certain) people misinterpret my openness and think they know me well enough to tell me how I feel, speak on my behalf or talk about “us”, like we have so much in common when technically they only know a fraction of who I am.  (I realize it’s odd and probably stems from a deeper issue, but that’s not what we’re talking about today!)

It’s hard to come up with a good example but perhaps something like meeting someone at Starbucks and ordering a Caramel Macchiato and then the next time we meet they say something like “I know how you love Caramel Macchiato’s”.  Like, it was one time.  Or when another single girl says something like “I don’t understand why girls like us can’t find a man”.  Girls like us?  You might be correct that I can’t find a man, but you don’t take the time to do your hair or make up and you dress like a 65 year old elementary teacher with your embroidered sweater vests.  Do not put me on the same playing field as you!

how-dare-you

This is a whole lot of set up to tell you that when other women – bitter, single, divorced or unhappily married – find out I am old and still single, they often assume that like them, I am a man hater.  They want to bring me into their fold and expect me to feel the same level of disgust towards men as they do.  Have I been a man hater in the past?  After heartbreak, absolutely!  However, it may surprise you, I am actually a very large supporter of men!

If You Can’t Be An Athlete, Be An Athletic Supporter

I have a long history of dating jerks.  I was forever attracted to bad boys and used to joke if a guy looked like he’d treat me badly, sign me up!  Being older now and years of self reflection later, I realize it was my own insecurity that made me want these causeless rebels.  I always felt uncool, but if I dated a bad boy, it would prove that I was cool, in some weird, totally untrue way.

One night I had a date with a nice guy.  At the time he only owned a crotch rocket (or “sport bike”), so I drove us to our movie.  On the walk back to my car afterwards, he came to the driver’s side and tried to open the door for me.  I gave him a look and asked him what he was doing.  His reply?  “I guess chivalry is dead here.”  Granted, I was a little confused by him trying to open my car door and wondered if he forgot that I drove, but how many times have we as women said to a man trying to do something nice, “I got this”.  I do it all the time at work; someone offers to change the water cooler bottle and I say “I work out, I can lift the bottle myself thanks.”  It’s not necessarily that a man is trying to show me how weak I am, maybe they’re just trying to be nice?

Miss Independent

The other week I rolled up to my mom’s house and noticed she had a flat tire.  I went inside, told her she had a flat and since it’s just the 2 of us now, neither of us really knew what to do.  I don’t know how to change a tire, she didn’t even know where the spare was in her minivan and it was too flat to crawl to the closest gas station for air.  I told her she should call her friend and find out if her friends husband had a portable air compressor.  An old coworker of mine had one and it was so handy!  You just plug it into your lighter, fill your tire and then hopefully make it to a service station for a repair.  She called and he did!  Crisis (and tow) averted!

Right before I left her house she said to me “oh, I bought this funny mug from the thrift store I thought you might want”.  She showed me the mug and we both realized the irony of it!

man-mug

Burn Your Bra

If a feminist is just someone who wants equal rights for women, then yes, I can get behind that.  I believe women can do the same jobs as men and should be paid the same for them.  However, I think there’s an extreme side to feminism right now that I do not agree with and that is, women trying to prove that we are equal.  We’re not and I don’t think we ever will be, because we were created different, on purpose!  Besides our XX/XY chromosomes and male/female parts, men and women naturally have different strengths and different interests, but we keep trying to blur the lines.

Mars vs. Venus

What defines a man as being a man?  When I think about it, I admit, I think of the stereotypical masculine things like watching sports, eating meat, wanting to hunt, knowing how to fix things and being the head of the household (as controversial as that is!).  I also don’t think any of these things are inherently bad, but in 2019, it seems like being a stereotypical male is the worst thing a man can do.  Too many women are looking for men to be their shopping buddies or their craft partners.  They don’t just want a man to watch a rom-com with them, they want the man to want to watch the rom-com.  We are trying to feminize men so much, it’s almost as if we’re trying to eradicate masculinity altogether, but we actually need it!

Now, don’t get it twisted – toxic masculinity is a problem.  Believing that you can’t show emotion because ‘real men’ don’t cry is toxic.  Excusing poor behavior with reasoning like “boys will be boys” or “I’m a man, I have needs” is absolute garbage.  However, I don’t think we need to vilify men or natural (healthy) masculine tendencies.

Did you know it’s in a man’s very nature to want to provide and when he can’t, he feels like a failure as a man?  I think that most women (admit it or not) want to feel safe and protected and have a man who can take care of us.  Oh, but don’t take care of us too much, because we can take care of ourselves you know!  Chivalry is dying, if not already dead and it’s women who have killed it, yet what do women seem to want most in a man?  Kindness!  The definition of chivalry is courteous behavior; especially that of man toward woman.  Sounds a bit like kindness to me, no?  But we’re making it increasingly difficult for men to be kind.

Lose-Lose

Women get together with their friends and talk about how men suck, complain that there are no good ones left, all the while chirping “we don’t need no man”.  *insert z-snap here*  Sitcoms portray men as useless boobs.  Society tells them that who they are and what they are is bad.  They’ve become afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing for fear that it gets taken the wrong way, they hardly pay a woman a simple compliment anymore.

It’s really no wonder chivalry has died or why it seems like there is an epidemic of passive men.  These are the men who ask you if you want to “hang” rather than asking you if you want to go on a date and calling it a date!  Or the men who have no plan when they actually get that date… “I dunno, where do you want to go?”.  If a man is too bold and takes charge, he might come off as a misogynist or sexist or a chauvinist.  So instead he takes no action and we view him as being lazy, passionless and apathetic, forcing women to feel like they need to wear the proverbial pants, further stressing the male identity crisis.  I can see how it feels like a lose-lose, but let me tell you men – be bold!  Just don’t be a jerk!  (I should warn you though – just because you’ve decided to be bold, doesn’t mean you’ll get that date.)

Put Your Bra Back On

Have you heard any of the stats on children who grow up in fatherless homes?  63% of youth suicides, 85% of children with behavioral problems, 75% of adolescents with drug abuse problems, 60% of rapists, 85% of youths in prison…all because a man was not present.  Lest we forget that these children grow up to be adults who likely perpetuate the cycle they know.  I’m sorry to the extreme feminists and man-hating ladies, but we need men and men matter!  When you belittle men and their role, everything is affected.  Isn’t prevention better than intervention?

So why are we so afraid of encouraging men to be men?  Masculinity can be developed in a healthy way, without becoming toxic.  Supporting men doesn’t make women the weaker sex or deserving of less.  Even if we aren’t technically equal, we are of equal value!  We need to stop believing that if we raise men up, we lower ourselves.  When you encourage men to be what they were created to be – providers, protectors – women actually benefit too, as do children who grow up to have children of their own.

We need to be ok with men being men and we need men to not feel guilty for being men.  Can we learn to respect our differences?  Can we cheer men on in their strengths and actually allow them the opportunity to be a provider?  How about we all just support each other a little bit better, doing ourselves and future generations a favor!

If you need me, I’ll be hanging out by a door waiting for a man to open it for me.

Disclaimer:  This is a touchy subject that I know could easily be misunderstood.  I hope you read it open minded and heard the heart behind it.  I realize there are men who don’t want anything to do with their children and men who take advantage of women, abuse women or entire groups who oppress women.  I am NOT excusing this, victim blaming or suggesting women should sit back, shut up and support these types of men.  I just think our pendulum has swung from the extremes of submission to the extremes of defiance and neither creates a well functioning society.  We need to find a balance in between where all parties are whole and healthy!  Amen?

 

Me Time

/ Roxie / 3 Comments

Here’s the situation: I’ve decided I’m going to be more selfish, and coming from an only child, that really says something!

Now that I’ve turned the magical age of forever 29, I think I might actually be going through a midlife crisis.  It’s an interesting thing to now be making my descent on the proverbial hill.  Let me quickly sum up the aging process for you (thus far at least).  You’re a child and you can’t wait to grow up.  You’re a teen, but you can’t wait to be eighteen.  You’re young.  You’re young.  Life is a party and you have no cares in the world!  You’re a little older, but still too young to be thinking about things like mortgages and retirement.  Uh oh.  You’ve started to realize how much older you are and wish you’d gotten your act together a little sooner.  ∗boom∗  You’re old.  Now that you’ve entered the last half of your life, you really start to think about what you’ve done, what you haven’t done and how much, or how little, time you have left.

What’s New?

I hate running into people I haven’t seen in a while.  They always want to know what’s new.  I mean, I ask that question too, but generally people have a much different answer than mine.  New careers, new homes, spouses, babies.  Their lives change drastically in as short as a year, but you could ask me what’s new and I could give you the exact same answer today as I did 19 years ago!

2000:  “Oh, I live in (insert my neighborhood), I work for (insert my company name) and I’m single, never married, no kids.”

2019:  “Oh, I live in (insert my neighborhood), I work for (insert my company name) and I’m single, never married, no kids.”

Depending when you ran into me in this 19 year span though, you might’ve got a different answer.  I’ve lived in different communities, I quit my job to move to a new city and go back to school.  I got engaged, bought a condo with my fiancé, broke up with my fiancé, moved back to my original city, went back to school, got my old job back, traveled a bunch and ended up buying a condo in my childhood neighborhood, not because I wanted to, but because it’s where I could afford.

Outside of owning my own home, I feel like I’m living the same life again.  It just makes me wonder – what did I do, or not do, to get me (back) here?  My life isn’t bad, but my life is stuck and I want to be able to place blame on something specific as the reason.

I Aim to Please

I’ve never thought I was a people pleaser.  I can say no, even though it might disappoint you.  I don’t agree with people, just so that they like me.  Then I read this little article – 10 Signs You’re a People Pleaser.  There were 8 signs I disagreed with, but curse those 2 that I didn’t!  I wouldn’t say that I’m 100% either one, but I certainly have tendencies towards them.  I suppose I’ve always viewed them as ‘peace keeping’, rather than ‘people pleasing’, making them seem less dysfunctional to me.

1. You feel burdened by the things you have to do

  • You’re in charge of how you spend your time, but there’s a good chance your schedule is filled with activities that other people want you to do.

Ok, I’m actually quite selfish with my time.  I’ve learned I can’t handle too many activities, too many days in a row.  I get burnt out, I get sick and I need time alone to recharge.  Yup, I’m one of those people.  Or if I put too much focus in one area of my life, another one starts to fall apart and then I get cranky.  That’s why I really try to balance out ‘adulting’ and chores and entertainment and activities and commitments.  In spite of this legitimate need for balance for my own health (and let’s face it, the health of the people around me!), I still do things and attend things that I have little desire to do because I know it will make other people happy.  And not in that nice compromising, give and take kind of way, but in that, this is a burden to me and I’m feeling slightly resentful, but I don’t want to disappoint or let anyone down, kind of way.

2. You act like the people around you

  • It’s normal for other people to bring out different sides of your personality, but people pleasers often sabotage their goals.  People pleasers engage in self-destructive behavior if they think it will help others feel more comfortable. 

The example this article gave is that people pleasers will eat more when they think it will make other people happy.  I had to laugh.  I worked with an older man for many years.  He never married and never had kids.  He lived simply and didn’t have many expenses, so he would spend money on my coworkers and I.  He referred to us as his work wives and would buy us lunches or keep our desk drawers stocked with chocolate.  As lovely as it was and as much as I have a sweet tooth, I realized that many times I was eating out of guilt!  Guilt that the money he spent would go to waste.  He knew I was trying to be healthy and avoid sugar, so if he wanted to waste his money, that was his problem, not mine, right?  Why was I eating and hating my thighs, for his wallet’s sake?

What else was I doing in my life for other people and not for myself?

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

There are really only two ways to make a change.  Either you decide to make one, or someone else decides to make one, which changes things for you without your consent.  The majority of changes in my life were due to the latter or circumstances outside of my control.

The only reason I switched schools after junior high was because the one I went to didn’t go past grade 9.  The only reason I left my first three jobs was because the first one went out of business, the second one the owner sold and the new owner laid me off to bring in their personnel and the third one?  At a Christmas party two weeks after I started, the lady I was replacing got drunk and emotional and decided she wanted to stay and they could only keep one of us!  I only went to school for Business Admin because someone offered to pay for it and I’ve only ever broke up with a few guys because it’s almost always been the guys who did the dumping.  (Actually, the ghosting.)

I’m a settler (a whole other blog for a different day), so for me, a forceful push has been necessary.  If Kmart hadn’t gone out of business, I might still be there!  I can count on one hand the number of changes that were my decision.  I can count on two fingers actually.  It’s two.  I’ve only made two truly life altering decisions.

The Best Friend

I think I’ve actually held myself back in life for the sake of others.  Compound my fear of change with the little bit of people pleaser in me and you get a girl who’s made a lot of decisions with other people’s feelings in mind, rather than my own.  I never wanted to rock the boat.  (See, it is peace keeping in a way!)  Some seasons of my life were going well and yet I felt a pull to make a change, but I didn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable in the process or be the catalyst that would affect everything around me.  You know, like how when one person decides to diet, everyone suffers.  Similar concept.  So instead I took a backseat to my own life thinking there’d be other passengers riding comfortably with me, only I ended up alone, watching everyone else in the driver’s seat of their lives, passing me by.  I have my license, why aren’t I driving?

leading-lady

Sorry, Not Sorry

The midlife crisis I might be having could be just the forceful push I need this year.  In the words of Andy Dufresne: it comes down to a simple choice – get busy living or get busy dying.  There are times in life when we need to dig our heels in and stick things out, but there are times when we are so stuck that we need to swap out the heels for a pair of sneakers and get moving!  (Also, is the saying referring to heels – anatomy or heels – clothing?  Whatever, I went with clothing and it’s too late now.)

I’m technically half dead, or if you’re an optimist, I suppose I’m half alive!  Either way, there’s no more time to waste.  If I want to have a different response to “what’s new?” in another 19 years, then I need to be a little more selfish!  Trying not to hurt people has been hurting me, so in true Canadian fashion, let me apologize.  I’m sorry that I might have to consider my own feelings herein.  I’m sorry that I might disappoint you or make you uncomfortable and I’m sorry that my changes might affect your life, eh.

Triggered

/ Roxie / 2 Comments

Here’s the situation: I think I have PTSD from years of dating

I don’t do breakups well and they seem to be harder to handle the older I get.  I feel like they should get easier over time as you become more comfortable in who you are and are ok with not everyone liking you, but at the root, they’re still rejection.  It’s a reminder that someone who was once intrigued by you, got to know the real you and didn’t like it.  So much so, that they didn’t want you in their life anymore.

My last (official) breakup was awful.  I cried every day for about 6 months and every other day for about 6 more.  It wasn’t so much the guy that I was devastated over, but being back at square one and having to do this/find this/risk this/attempt this another time, in hopes that maybe it’ll finally work out.  I’m long over that guy, but the thought of ever feeling that kind of heartbreak again, TERRIFIES me!

Can I confess?  I hate first dates by now and I actually think they give me anxiety.  Unfortunately, they are a necessary step in getting to my desired end result.  “Go online”, people say.  “It’ll be so fun”, people say.  Of course, the people saying this have been married for years and have no idea what it’s like to date in 2019!  I’ve heard the online success stories, but more often than not, I hear the stories of how dating became like a part-time job and took 25 bad dates before 1 decent one.  Or about people agreeing to a date and then being told “I’m not looking for anything serious.”  What are you doing online then?!  If you’re just looking to get laid, there’s this thing called alcohol which you can buy at any bar and you’ll probably find someone to hook up with while you’re there too!  2 birds, 1 stone.  Or stick to sites like Tinder and Plenty of Fish where you belong!  I think it’s great if you’ve had success online, but for me, it’s super uncomfortable.  All those dreaded first dates in hopes of weeding out 1 winner.  I just don’t know if I have it in me anymore.  It’s exhausting and discouraging and I am getting too old for the stupid games people play! (Plus, I’ve listened to too many true crime podcasts and there seems to be a lot of weirdo’s out there without any accountability!)

Son of a Beach

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.  I am addicted to The Bachelor franchise.  I don’t even know why lately, since all it seems to do is frustrate me and yet, I can’t stop.  Right now it’s Bachelor in Paradise (BIP) season.  Admittedly, it’s a horrible concept.  A bunch of singles hanging at a secluded resort, looking for love.  Each week an additional 2 to 3 guys or girls arrive to offset the numbers of the opposite sex and if you’re one of the men or women who don’t make a connection in order to get a rose, it’s too bad, so sad, goodbye.  Even though you might have made a strong connection with someone, the general consensus seems to be “keep your options open”.  Nobody wants to lock in too early into their time in paradise, because in the next day or two, someone better might arrive.  I’ve been asked how I can watch this trashy reality show, but this horrible concept and the idea of keeping your options open is literally dating in 2019; these people just happen to be televised.  As someone who’s been dumped numerous times for someone “better”, it triggers me!

flip-table

It’s Too Much

There are two reasons I love The Notebook; James Marsden and Ryan Gosling.  Ok, but actually, it’s a really great movie.  I saw it in the theatre with my cousin and towards the end, the lady behind us was a blubbering mess and kept whispering “it’s too much, it’s too much.”  By the time the old couple died (spoiler alert), we were so focused on trying not to giggle, we didn’t have time to be emotional!

It’s a romantic notion, isn’t it?  A couple who love each other so much, they literally can’t live without each other.  A man who legitimately loves his wife, for better and for worse.  Let’s take this romance outside of the movies.  Don’t we gush anytime we see an older couple who hold hands and are still in love? “Awwww, I want that!”  I think it’s human nature to dream of that kind of forever love.  Unfortunately, the way culture is moving, I don’t know that we’ll be seeing too much of that in the future.

“I wrote you 365 letters.  I wrote you every day for a year.”

– Noah Calhoun, The Notebook

The Cheesecake Cafe Theory

(If you’re American, we can call it The Cheesecake Factory Theory)

You know those restaurants with menus the size of a novel (not to name names)?  I find it really difficult to decide what I want to order when I have so many options.  I have to make a pros and cons list, consult my magic eight ball, say a prayer, narrow it down by process of elimination and then eenie meenie the top 2.  I believe this same difficulty in decision making applies to our dating lives with the introduction of online dating and apps!  When we’re given too many choices, we end up in our heads, overthinking and second guessing.

I’m pretty sure nobody gets married with the intent of later getting divorced.  We all want our Notebook love story and we celebrate milestone wedding anniversaries, but have you ever considered how and why these older couples have lasted so long?  First of all, commitment and work.  A lot more work than it seems people want to exert these days.  It’s much harder to write 365 letters than to send a “you up?” text.  Second, let’s go back 40 or 50 years to when these couples probably first met.  (Heck, this scenario might even apply 15 to 20 years ago!)  Before we did everything on a screen, we had to physically go outside to meet people.  Our worlds were smaller and all you had to choose from was what was within your reach.  Classmates, friends, friends of friends, coworkers, people you encountered in person…that was really all there was.  When you found someone you liked, you ‘went steady’ and you didn’t keep your options open in case something better came along.  As far as you knew, you were already dating the best you could find!

You can argue that technology has made dating easier, but I disagree.  Technology has made meeting people easier, but commitment harder!  What if we commit to one person, but then we meet someone else who seems to be a better fit?  Ever heard of the 80/20 rule?  In a healthy relationship, couples will have about 80% of what they want in their partner.  Unfortunately, some people leave their partner in search of the missing 20%.  I’m no mathematician, but when you leave 80 for 20, you’re gaining less than what you started with.  If you look for 20%, you’re guaranteed to find it since there will always be someone who meets a different need in your life, but in time, you’ll probably have to chase after another 20%.  And then another 20, and then another 20…

That Is So Last Year

I know my ideas of dating don’t fit in to today’s culture.  Especially as a Christian trying to date.  Perhaps I’m too old fashioned for 2019!  I think that when you’re exploring a new relationship with someone, out of respect for them, they should be the only one that you pursue.  Don’t dabble a little bit here, a little bit there and muddy the waters.  Maybe it’ll only last 1 date, maybe 1 month, but when you only have 1 choice on the menu, you have an easy decision to make: take it or leave it!  If you decide to ‘take it’, the foundation of that relationship will likely be stronger because you did only have that one person there from the start.  And don’t let the ‘what if’ notion of a better fit come in and steal your 80%!  Remember, the grass is always greener where it’s watered.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m headed to the drive-in for a malted before I go to the sock hop.