Self Improvement

Apples and Oranges

/ Roxie / 3 Comments

Here’s the situation: I know comparison is the thief of contentment and for that reason we’re not supposed to compare ourselves or our lives to other people, but what if the person we’re comparing ourselves to is just ourselves?  Could that really be as bad?

I take really good care of my stuff.  Always have.  I think it’s a practice my parents instilled in me as a kid because we didn’t have a lot of money, so when you got something, you took care of it, but it’s a practice that was emphasized in me as an adult when I found myself in mountains of debt.  When you’ve learned the value of a dollar the hard way, and worked your butt off to get out of debt and save for what you have, you gain a newfound appreciation for your purchases and as such, you take care of them!  Yes, I’m debt free now and have some savings, but that doesn’t mean I’m suddenly going to start being careless with my stuff just because I can afford to!

My iPhone 8 from 2018 still looks as new as the day I got it.  Same with my iPad Air from 2013.  I could go on a vacation for what it would cost me to replace them and I’d rather do that than fork over any more money to Apple, so I treat them like my first born!  You can snoop through my kitchen cupboards and you’ll find that the bakeware I purchased nearly 5 years ago all still looks like new too.  I didn’t buy brand new items to have them immediately get that sticky baked on residue from using a non-stick spray!  (Ironic isn’t it?)  It’s all about the parchment paper for me.  Similarly, I take really good care of my clothes as well.  Cold water, gentle cycle, no dryer, sometimes even hand wash (but not often!).  Because I take such good care of my clothes, I also end up hanging onto them for a lot longer than I realized…

Fat Guy in a Little Coat

Every 6 months or so, I go through my closet and drawers, pull out all of the items that I haven’t worn in at least a year and do a fashion show for myself so I can make piles to take to the thrift store or to consignment.  There are pieces though, that I try on every single time and despite how rarely I wear them, I continue to hang onto them.  Dresses for instance.  I have a bunch of dresses from Christmas parties past or weddings I attended that I keep, because when that one, random, formal event pops up, you just might need them and why buy a new dress when you already own a bunch?!  Same goes for vacation clothes.  Where I live in Canada, I rarely need clothes for a hot climate, but when I go on a vacation, I suddenly need the shorts and tank tops and sundresses that I accumulated from previous vacations, so I can’t get rid of those either!  Unfortunately, my semi-annual fashion show purge usually ends in tears and self-loathing and vows that I’ll never eat sugar again and that I’ll work out 7 days a week, all because the clothes I’ve committed to hang onto, don’t fit like they used to!  The party dresses used to zip up all the way and drape and flow, but they’re not doing any of that anymore!  The shorts used to have extra thigh room, but now my thighs look like sausages desperately trying to escape their casing.

Last year in the purge I decided it was time to invest in a new fall coat, because the one I had was getting a little tight.  This decision wasn’t without a lot of anger that my coat used to be cute and loose and now I could barely zip it up if I had any layers on underneath.  Exactly when did I get so “thick”?!  I wanted more reasons to justify the purchase so I tried to remember how many years I’d been wearing that coat to assure myself I’d gotten my money’s worth out of it.  I figured it had only been a couple, but was surprised when I realized – I bought that coat in 2008!  That’s 12 years I wore that coat.  TWELVE YEARS!  Of course it didn’t fit anymore!  That is a long time and a lot of life happens in a 12 year span!  Then I started to think about the dresses and vacation clothes that get me so upset every time I re-try them on.  Some of the vacation clothes I’ve been hanging onto for at least 8 years and a few of those party dresses are from over 15 years ago!  Why do I expect myself to be the same size I was 8 years ago? 12 years ago? over 15 years ago even?

fat-guy-in-a-little-coat

Me vs. Me

Now that I’m older, I try not to compare myself physically to other girls anymore.  There’s just no point – I’m not them.  I have different genetics and a different metabolism and things that formed me that are outside of my control.  Plus, I already know that I wouldn’t be comparing myself to women my age anymore, because our lives look so different and I don’t feel the same age as them, so I’d be comparing myself to women in my stage [of life] and by now, those women are a good 10 to 20 years younger than me.  It’s just a fact that I biologically can’t keep up with them because I’m already so far beyond them, so it’s not even fair to compare myself!  All I can, or should focus on, is me and I feel like I’ve done pretty well, given what I had to work with – just look at old photos of me! Of course there are still things that I’d love to “modify” (*ahem* this nose), but short of spending thousands and thousands of dollars, I can’t change much else.  I’ve slowly come to accept that this is the way God made me and me alone.  Now when I look in the mirror though, the only person I’m caught up comparing myself to, is my former self.

Remember how you never used to have fat spilling out above and below your bra band, and you didn’t even know chubby armpits were a thing?  Remember when you used to wear shorts because the backs of your legs weren’t riddled with cellulite and you didn’t have any varicose veins?  Remember when your skin was taut and smooth and now it’s tired and wrinkly?

Before I go on, I want to be clear about something because I don’t want to sound insensitive and piss a bunch of people off (which seems inevitable in 2021 anyway).  I know that I’m not actually “fat”.  And while I complain about the extra inches I’ve accumulated, there are people who have serious struggles with their weight and my extra inches might be their goal inches.  And I know how gross it feels when someone who has no right to say anything complains about their size.  It’s like, first of all – screw you and second, ‘if you think you’re fat, then what does that make me?’.  That’s not how I want to make anyone feel when I say these things.  All I want to get across is that FOR ME, what I am now, compared to what I used to be and the size that I used to buy and the clothes in my closet that used to fit and my “normal” that I maintained for most of my life until the last couple of years, is bigger.  FOR ME!  And many people I meet assume I’m about 10 years younger than I am and I actually do think I look better than I ever have, but at the same time, when I look in the mirror, I’m seeing the lines and my skin getting looser and compared to what I used to see, I am so much older.  These are the constant comparisons I’m making now; me vs. me.  And these changes over time, even though most of which are natural and inevitable as you age, make me so angry with myself, as if stopping their progression was somehow in my control!  So why do I have this expectation of myself to be the same as I always was?

This **** is Bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S

I think it’s maybe because my life hasn’t changed at all in 20 years, that I think I shouldn’t have changed at all in 20 years either.  It’s ok for other women, because they’ve lived.  Their grey hair and their wrinkles have been earned through the joys and the stresses of having a husband and a family.  They’re allowed to have outgrown their clothes and have stretch marks, because they’ve grown humans INSIDE of them!  I haven’t done those things.  I haven’t merited my changes.  I’m still trying to accomplish those things (minus the babies)!  And like I said above, instead of being in that stage with other women my age, now I’m in that stage with women half my age.  I might not be comparing myself to them anymore and I know I can’t keep up with their youthful beauty, but I am, unfortunately, competing in the same market as them.  I guess I feel like, if I could stay the same size I was and have a face without wrinkles, then maybe I’d have a fighting chance, but the reality is, my circumference slowly continues to increase with middle age and I’m only going to get older looking from here on out, so if I couldn’t find a spouse when I was younger…smaller…tauter…how do I expect to find one now?  Nobody buys their fruit over ripe.  They’d rather it be under ripe so they have more time with it and can enjoy it when it’s perfect.  Maybe I’ve crossed over into brown banana territory where my only use now is to go in the freezer to make banana bread later?

Glory Days

It’s not just comparing myself physically that’s a problem either.  I’m crazy nostalgic, so some days I’m “triggered” by a song or a scent or the weather and I get caught up comparing my present to my past.  I’ll remember the summer road trips with friends to nowhere in particular or the spontaneous dinners and get togethers we had.  I look back on just the level of hope and anticipation I maintained thinking “maybe today will be the day that…my miracle happens/everything changes/I meet someone…!”, or whatever it was.  It felt like the world was at my fingertips!  Compare that to my every day, here and now reality, and it feels like that world somehow slipped through my fingertips.  Then I start to spiral as I wonder if life will ever be that fun or feel as carefree again, or if the best really is still yet to come or if this present is also my future?  This is about the time that I start to have a mini panic attack, complete with short, labored breaths, uncontrollable tears and a complete sense of dread about life!  But no, comparing ourselves to ourselves couldn’t be that bad…

Stay in Your Lane

Comparison is the death of joy.

– Mark Twain

The death of joy.  The thief of contentment.  Whichever!  I would say it’s pretty clear that YES, comparing ourselves to ourselves is just as bad.  It doesn’t matter who you compare yourself to, comparison is always going to leave you feeling the same way; envious, depressed, lacking, entitled, robbed of something, etc.  Don’t look around and don’t look back!  Don’t compare yourself to anyone else, because you’re not them and you don’t know what they went through to get where they are and don’t compare yourself to your former self, unless it’s to see how far you’ve come.  You’re not who you were yesterday and tomorrow you won’t be who you are today!

Oh, and take my advice – promptly get rid of any clothes that make you feel bad about yourself!

Legacy

/ Roxie / 3 Comments

Here’s the situation: If you died tomorrow, how would people remember you?

Joseph James DeAngelo.  Do you recognize that name?  What about the Visalia Ransacker?  East Area Rapist?  Original Night Stalker?  What if I said the Golden State Killer (GSK)?  Well, if you’re one of those “normal” people who’s not into serial killers, let me give you a little background!

First, I need to start by defending myself against the stereotype of being a ‘basic white girl’ who’s hopped on the true crimeEEBE3A1B-23CF-4FB4-8FC8-4D3A13005AE1 bandwagon.  No.  I am an OG!  I’ve been intrigued by the criminal psyche as far back as I can remember.  I read The Milwaukee Murders, a book about Jeffery Dahmer, in high school.  High school people.  That was 25 years ago!  Perhaps my parents should’ve been concerned, but I think I come by it honestly.  My dad was always watching shows like Dateline and Unsolved Mysteries and when I used to visit him while he was living in a nursing home, his TV was always on whatever channel played Forensic Files marathons.  (My mom on the other hand – not having any of the murder stuff!)

Ok, back to Joseph DeAngelo.  This guy was all of those monikers I mentioned above and actually a few more.  Between 1973 and 1986 he committed at least 120 burglaries, 50 rapes and 13 murders in California, but they didn’t catch him until 2018 when he was 72 years old!  That’s FORTY FIVE years after his first crime!  This guy was a real piece of work too!  He wasn’t just a burglar/rapist/murderer; he was what nightmares are made of!  He would break into houses and make wives tie up their husbands, then put dishes on the husband’s back, threatening that if he heard the dishes rattle, he’d murder everyone in the house.  Then he’d rape the wife in another room, all the while her husband could do nothing, unless he wanted everyone to die.  One woman reported waking up in the middle of the night to a tapping noise and when she looked around, there was a man standing in her doorway, face covered by a balaclava, NO PANTS ON and tapping a knife against the door frame!  Sometimes DeAngelo would remain in the home for hours after the rape and eat the people’s food or be so silent that the women thought they were finally safe to move, but out of nowhere, he’d be right there to threaten her not to, terrorizing her again.  It’s even said he would do reconnaissance on his victims and break-in in advance to unlock windows or unload guns and even plant ligatures he would use later on!  (I apologize in advance if you will never sleep again!)  In spite of my knowledge about all of these horrible crimes, I actually cried for DeAngelo, now 74, while watching his hearing, which was streamed live on June 29, 2020.

You might be questioning who’s the bigger psychopath now, me or him, but let me explain!!  Seeing DeAngelo at that hearing brought about a lot of confusing feelings for me!  On one hand, the man who committed these crimes and got away with it for 45 years, needed to be brought to justice!  On the other hand, the frail man they wheeled into the courtroom, reminded me of my dad.  My dad was a frail 74 year old when he died.  DeAngelo hardly had a voice and when he did say something, he was soft spoken.  My dad didn’t say much, but when he did, he was soft spoken also.  For that reason, it was hard to look at DeAngelo and picture him as the evil person I’ve learned about.  He just looked like an old man.  Or like my dad.  Or like any other old man you’d see in his condition and feel a bit sorry for.  It’s like aging evens the playing field to where you can no longer distinguish someone’s past.  Were they a business mogul or were they homeless?  Were they a jock or a nerd?  the life of the party or a recluse?  a stand up citizen or a serial killer?  When you get older, you just look older and we assume you lived a good life and have that sweet grandparent demeaner.

My dad spent about 2 years in that nursing home, so anytime I visited I had the (dis)pleasure of seeing countless people parked in their wheelchairs, staring at a TV with vacant eyes, mouths gaping open and half their wits about them.  Your brain knows it’s the best or the safest place for these people, but your heart can’t help but hurt witnessing it and that’s part of the reason I cried during DeAngelo’s hearing.  I saw in him, what broke my heart every time I walked down the halls of that nursing home, but the main reason?  I just kept thinking about how this was the legacy this man was leaving behind!  How this is what he chose to do with his life?  This man has 3 daughters; probably some grandkids too!  Whether he was ever actually a loving father or grandfather to them, or had close friendships or career achievements, no longer matters.  When you Google his name, you’ll always find the words “American serial killer” tied to him now.  This is what he’ll be remembered for.  Forever.

Disclaimer: Just in case you misunderstood any of the above, let me clarify, I am not on DeAngelo’s side.  I do not feel bad for him.  Also, it later came out that the frail man I saw in the courtroom was all a façade.  If you’re curious to learn more about this case, listen to the Wondery/LA Times podcast Man in the Window, or watch HBO’s 6 part docu-series I’ll Be Gone in the Dark, which includes footage from after he was arrested.

Do You See What I See?

When I was in high school, a friend and I always gave nicknames to people.  The names were just between the 2 of us and either given to a crush we had, or to someone based off an encounter we had or observations we made about their appearance.  Some of the names were harmless, like my crush who we called “sexy breeding horse in a speedo” (don’t ask me why!) or how we called a guy named Rob, “the one who runs”, because at the end his date with my friend, he literally ran away, but some of the names were not very nice at all!  (No, you don’t get any examples of those!)  I remember one time, hearing that friend who I delegated nicknames with, telling someone else “Roxie is the best at insulting people!”.  At the time, I thought that was a great compliment, but now when I think about it, it’s pretty cringy!

Unfortunately for me (and you), I’m judgmental.  Personality tests have always confirmed this trait about me too, so it seems to be a quality that comes just as natural as my love of true crime!  Myers Briggs tells me I’m an ISFJ, J = JUDGING.  The Enneagram says I’m a type one – The Reformer.  Type one’s are “highly critical of both self and others; picky, judgmental, perfectionistic.”  Not only am I naturally judgmental, I’m also highly observant.  A combination that, when used for good, can actually be very helpful and constructive!  For example, I see things and pay attention to details that many people are completely oblivious to, so if you need an outsiders perspective on areas of inefficiency or things of the like, then having a critical eye is an asset!  However, when I use my powers for evil, that’s when you get the person who is “the best” at insulting people.  *cringe*

Be Friendly.  Duh.

I know this guy and everybody loves him.  Do you know one of these people too?  They’re the type that others are naturally drawn to.  Like, people just love them.  I love them!  And I’m jealous of them because that has never really been my experience.  Usually people are afraid of me when they first meet me, then after they get to know me a bit, they warm to me.  Years ago, that guy and I were walking down the street and, of course, every stranger smiled or started chatting with him and I finally asked – “what is it that you do that people just love you, because people never just love me!”  With a shrug, he said “I’m just friendly.”  Friendly huh?  Is it that easy?  But wait…I’m friendly – how come I never get the warm reception or interaction he gets?!

What’s Colder than Dry Ice?

Chazz Michael Michaels – But don’t let her fool you, she’s as cold as the ice she skates on.  She’s like dry ice.  Wait, she’s colder than that.  What’s colder than dry ice?

Jimmy MacElroy – I dunno.

Chazz Michael Michaels – I’ll tell you what is.  Oksana.

– Will Ferrell & Jon Heder, Blades of Glory (2007)

For most of my life, I’ve been told that I’m cold.  I just assumed it was because I’m more of a realist than some hippie, feely, “empath” (ugh, empaths! *insert eye roll here*), or because my shyness has a tendency to come off as disinterest, or because I’m not one of those girls who raises their voice 10 octaves to make themselves sound sweeter than they actually are.  Think Regina George in Mean Girls – “Omg, I love your skirt, where did you get it? // That is the ugliest effing skirt I’ve ever seen.”  That’s too fake for me and I don’t do fake.  Even though people have always told me I’m cold and I realize I’m not an overtly mushy person, I never really considered myself being that cold, because I know me.  I know I’m nice.  I know I’m fun.  I know I have a big heart.  However, after seeing first hand just how differently people reacted to that guy than they ever have to me, I needed to determine why, as warm as I might think I am, nobody sees that in me!

One word: RBF.  Ok, no, it’s not (entirely) that, but that certainly doesn’t help my cause!  What I discovered is that I purposely give off cold vibes, without realizing that I’m doing it on purpose!  It’s a form of protection.  I anticipate rejection, so when I’m alone and go into a group setting or a new and uncomfortable situation, I have a tendency to make myself unapproachable.  You see, because of that anticipated rejection, I would rather walk into a room and risk not being engaged with because I came across as cold, than walk into a room, smiling and super friendly, and not be engaged with.  At least the one outcome I controlled.  It was my choice, whereas if someone chose not to interact with me at my friendliest, then I’d be insulted and my self esteem would be hurt and I’d look like a fool, like Tai from this scene in Clueless:

clueless-tai

The problem with protecting myself though, was that I actually wanted people to approach me!  I wanted people to see me as friendly without having to get to know me first!  I wanted to be one of those people that others are naturally drawn to, but I wasn’t giving anyone the opportunity.  I was too busy trying to avoid an outcome that might not even happen!  

If you want to be seen as friendly, be friendly.

Return On Investment

As I’ve gotten older, one of the things that’s started to matter more to me is what people think of me.  Ok, it’s always mattered, but now it’s not in the same way as before.  Now it’s more – what am I known for?  What do people say about me or tell other people about me?  How will I be remembered?  What kind of legacy will I leave?

After my self discovery, I decided to give this “just friendly” thing a whirl.  Like I said, I already thought I was ‘just friendly’, but this time I would make myself more approachable on purpose.  I wouldn’t be fake or anything other than me, but I would certainly fake confidence!  I would smile and quit trying to protect myself.  If I looked like a fool, then I looked like a fool.  If people chose not to engage with me; their loss, because I’m awesome.  And that’s the attitude I went into those new and uncomfortable or group settings with anytime I was alone (and there’ve been a lot of those the last few years) and you know what?  Risking being friendly has a much higher ROI than being guarded ever has!

Last fall I joined a girls small group with a bunch of strangers and on one of our final evenings together we did an exercise where each person spent time in the hot seat, while the rest of the group went around and told you what they saw when they looked at you.  It could be anything from personality traits to gifts to skills to attributes and you know what?  Not one of the girls mentioned ever thinking I was cold!  Instead, they told me they saw a soft heart.  They saw good energy, resilience, beauty; inside and out, a natural leader, wit, confidence and my personal favorite – an atmosphere shifter!  That means my very presence can establish a new environment!  That’s amazing!  That’s what I want to be known for or remembered by, not for being cold or judgmental or “the best” at insulting people!  I know I won’t ever have kids of my own and maybe not even a husband to carry on my memory, but even though the family tree stops with me, I can still impact the people around me.  I want their lives to be better because they knew me and perhaps that’s my legacy.

So, if you died tomorrow, how would people remember you?  And how do you want them to remember you?  What legacy do you want to leave behind?  It’s never too early to work towards it, because legacy isn’t something that happens overnight!  Legacy is built through consistency of character!  Now with that in mind, go and build it!

White Flag

/ Roxie / Leave a comment

Here’s the situation: Surrender is hard!  But why?  If God is good and God is for me and God has a plan that’s better than any of my plans, why aren’t I a little more “Jesus take the wheel” and a little less “hold my poodle”?

white-chicks-poodle-1

Before I get started, this blog is sort of a continuation of two previous blogs.  I reference thoughts or circumstances from them, so without my having to recap everything, I suggest you also read The One Without a Title and Hope Lost. (Click on either title for the link)

No Surrender

Does anyone remember when the brand No Fear was all the rage?  It was definitely in the 90’s.  Did you know there was also a brand called No Surrender?  If this is the first you’re hearing of it, then your family must’ve had money!  It was the ‘more affordable’ (aka imitation) brand they sold at Kmart and well, we didn’t have money so we shopped there!  I also worked there for a year and a half and every time I would walk past a rack of the t-shirts, I would say under my breath “no surrender!” in a sort of Braveheart FREEDOM-esque voice and it always make me chuckle, because the brand was supposed to sound so hardcore, but like, you’re lame.  You’re sold at Kmart and we all know you’re just trying to be No Fear.

no-surrender-crop

Well, I wonder if every time I uttered those words to myself, the idea was actually planting seeds that I unknowingly watered, because I have walked out way too many years of my life in a state of ‘no surrender’.  That doesn’t sound so bad though, does it?  I mean, it actually sounds kind of strong!  It’s just another way of saying I’m not giving up or backing down and those can be really good things, but unfortunately, when you become a Christian, one of the main things you’re called to do is surrender to God (submit your own will to the will of God, showing complete faith in Him, belief in His promises and choosing to trust Him in everything), so if you’re clinging to your own things and unwilling to surrender them, it becomes a real internal tug-of-war, let me tell you!

Modus Operandi

Have you ever run an idea past a friend and all you really wanted was for them to agree with what you’re thinking, but instead they ask something so frustrating, like what your motives are or if your intentions are pure?  Um, of course they are!  …and we really do believe that most of the time too, but if you’ve ever dared to strip back your excuses and be 100% honest with yourself, you might’ve found that your intentions were not quite as pure as you thought!  That’s kind of what I discovered about myself with surrender.

For years I’ve been convinced that I’ve surrendered every area of my life to God and I was using the things that I do, or don’t do (anymore), to quantify that.  I mean, I go to church every Sunday, I serve on a team and I join small groups.  I tithe and I read my bible.  I volunteer.  I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I don’t do drugs, I don’t look for validation from men or relationships, etc, etc.  I felt like Chandler Bing – could I be anymore surrendered?!  Turns out, I could.

(Stomp Stomp Clap, Stomp Stomp Clap) He Will, He Will, Prod You

I believe that a lot of us to need to hit a rock bottom of some sort before we’ll make a change.  That, or we need to get to a place where we’re finally sick enough of the way things are that we’re willing to try something different.  At least that’s how it is for me!  I mean, why would we change anything if things are working for us?  If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, right?  And it’s because I’m a Christian that I also believe that God will sometimes allow a once-good situation to turn sour or “bad” things to happen in our lives in order to drive that change.  It’s like His way of cattle-prodding us to move and even though He’s probably trying to move us to a healthier state or to something better, sometimes it feels like nothing more than a cattle prod!

Previously On The Situation Room

If you’ve been keeping up with TSR, then you know that the past few years I’ve felt like I was in a constant deficit.  It’s been one change after another for other people and their gains were usually my losses.  I would get close to a friend and then they would get married.  I would get close to another friend and then they would move away.  Others started having babies and others left the church I was attending.  Everything was changing for me and yet nothing was changing for me.  It becomes pretty disheartening watching everyone pass you by, and they’re not just months ahead of you, they’re years ahead of you!  You start to feel pathetic and like something must be wrong with you.  You wonder if you’re being punished for something you did in your past.  You feel like you’ve failed at life or you’ve failed at being a woman and no matter what you do, your life just. won’t. progress.  After enough time goes by without any change, you can’t even see how anything ever could change anymore.  Reality just becomes too real.

That’s the place I had gotten to earlier last year and that’s when I figured – fine, if this is my lot in life, then I guess I’ll just try to make the best of it.  I have to, I have no other choice.  As frustrating and disappointing and heartbreaking as it was that that had even become my option, I was certain I could at least survive this life, as long as I had the few close friends I had left and nothing more changed.

…and that’s when God laughed.  (And rustled up the ol’ cattle prod.)

Do You Smell What The Rock is Cooking?

If you’ve been keeping up with TSR, then you’ll also know that last year 2 more of my close friends’ lives changed drastically – changing everything for me, again!  And then there was that guy I mentioned in Hope Lost.  Even after he had cut off our contact, I still left the door ajar.  I mean, we didn’t completely stop talking and I still maintained my curiosity about what might happen in the future (and I’m pretty sure the curiosity was mutual).  However, that door was swiftly SLAMMED shut on New Year’s Eve of all days!  And not even during the day, but like, around 9 p.m.; leaving me with one final blow to end the year.

That evening I found out (from the guy himself) that shortly after me, he had met a new girl and dated her, “officially”.  This from the guy who told me multiple times he couldn’t handle anything more than a friendship at the moment, and that we couldn’t stay in contact because he needed to go figure out his life and work on himself, by himself.  Mmhmm…I see that worked out well.  After learning of this new information, a social media post he had put up a few weeks prior immediately came to mind.  In it, he had cryptically announced how he’d met someone this last year and fallen in love with her (and he assumed this someone would read the post and know who she was).  When I read it I thought – oh wow! I figured he liked me, but I didn’t realize he felt that strongly!  If you’re tracking with me though, you can probably guess – that post was NOT about me!  If the other stuff was the door being slammed shut, then that was the door being locked and the key being thrown away!

At the literal end of 2020, I had been stripped of all of my comforts, all of my potential plans or hopes for the future and everything/everyone I was relying on to survive.  The real annoying part though, is that I suspected I knew who kept allowing these things to get taken from me and why.

Friggin’ Surrender

As I started the new year, rock bottom and sick enough of the way things were to be willing to make a change, I began to think about surrender.  Surrender (and/or putting God first) is actually what’s been unearthed every time I was struggling or wondering if and when things would ever change for me.  I would be sharing with someone and they’d Matthew 6:33 me, or anytime I was going through something, the church message would always be about Matthew 6:33.  Anyone who was ever trying to encourage me, even strangers, would quote Matthew 6:33 to me.  I hated Matthew 6:33.

But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.

– Matthew 6:33 (NKJV) (emphasis mine)

When I signed up to see a counselor for 6 sessions a few years back, I wanted the quick fix.  Tell me what’s wrong with me and how to fix it so that my life can move forward.  We pulled back a few layers and no surprise, unearthed surrender…or my lack thereof.  What? – don’t you remember my list of how surrendered I am?  After 3 sessions we agreed that meeting any further would be pointless; both her and I knew what I needed to do.  I think I went home and over time just let go of a few of my dreams, further proving to myself that I’d surrendered even more areas, but in reality, defeat ≠ surrender.

This year though, with no comforts and no plans and no people left to rely on, combined with my unwillingness to go around this mountain again, it was time to try something new.  “Ok God, I get it, you are literally all I have left.  Now what?”  As hopeless as I may ever feel, I’m also an action person.  I’m not the type who’s going to cry about her life without also working towards a solution and this year, the solution looked like a white flag.

Irrational Fears

I sat down to really think about surrender and once I stripped back my excuses and actually got honest with myself, I began to realize just how scared of surrender I was.  How scared of surrender I’ve been.  In fact, I am terrified of God’s will for my life!  I started jotting down notes:

  • I feel like if I surrender, I can’t have dreams or plans or desires of my own, or even an opinion!  And if I do still have those things, then maybe I’m not fully surrendered? or ever will be?
  • What if I surrender my will for God’s will and His will is that I become a missionary?  I don’t want to be a missionary!
  • I’m afraid that if I surrender my singleness for whatever God has in store, maybe what he has in store is singleness?  Or that if I surrender my desire to be married, God will say “ok finally!  Now that you’re ok being single, that’s what you get – being single”.
    • On the flip side, I’m afraid that if I surrender my desire to be married, I’ll actually lose that desire and I don’t know if I want to lose that.  Plus then I’ll have wasted so many years “becoming the person” and learning what it takes to have a great relationship that I don’t even get to put it into practice?
  • I’m afraid if I surrender my timeline and the things that I want take too long to come to fruition, I’ll just get discouraged and be here again.

Not only all of that, but HOW do you surrender?  How do you go from wanting things for years to suddenly being ok with the possibility of a different outcome?  Is surrender just a simple choice – “I choose surrender!” or is it a struggle – “I want to surrender, but I need help with it!”?  I actually do believe that God’s plan IS the best plan for my life, but what if His plan isn’t even close to mine?  What if His plan holds nothing more than this life that I’m already living, but being ok with it?  And why would he create me one way, put desires in me and then ask me to let go of them?

Guess I’m Dating Jesus Now

Gosh, I pulled a thread and the whole sweater unraveled!  I guess when it comes down to it, we’re really only willing to surrender to someone we truly trust and you can only trust someone you know and you can only know someone you spend time with!  Apparently I don’t know God as well as I think I do, since I’m always anticipating the “lessons” He plans to teach me, instead of anticipating the blessings He wants to give me.

The best way I could think of to rectify this whole hot mess of mine was to fast.  Let me tell you something, which is probably no shock now since it seems I’m hardly even a Christian!  I’ve never fasted.  And I’ve never intended to fast either!  Good for the people who do, but I love food.  The few times I’ve considered fasting, my motives were wrong.  I wanted the quick fix – maybe if I were to fast, God would give me what I want.

Fasting really is not about trying to get miracles and breakthroughs from God.  It is about aligning yourself with God and what he already wants.  We don’t fast to get God to change something.  We fast so that we are changed and come into a greater level of faith.

– Stovall Weems, Awakening

I need more faith.  I need to surrender.  I need to know God more and trust God.  This time my intentions were pure.

January 1st when I wrote out my goals for the year, under spiritual goals (there’s 5 categories: personal, relational, financial, spiritual and miracle), I wrote “maybe fast for the 1st time ever. UGH“.  By January 2nd I had already decided I was going to fast this year.  It would be 21 days and I would start Monday, January 11th.  Then the very next day, January 3rd, my church announced they were starting 21 days of fasting and prayer on the 10th.  I opted to bump up my start date so that I could do it alongside the church and with the book Awakening (a 21 day devotional about prayer and fasting).  I won’t go into all of the details here, but I allowed myself to eat from 7 a.m. to 3 p.m. (8 hrs) and chose to fast everything but water from 3 p.m. to 7 a.m. (16 hrs).  (Feel free to message me if you want more details about the whole experience.)

IMG_7751

I’m happy to report I finished the 21 days yesterday and I crushed it!  Like, I’m actually super proud of myself!  So here we are, the first day after and how do I feel?  Well, I can’t say that I heard from God or know my distinct purpose or that I’m even expecting my life to change at all, but I feel alive again and my spirits are up and my fears are (mostly) down.  Yes, I’m still a little afraid of God’s will, but I’m choosing (because it doesn’t come natural just yet) to continue working on my surrender and trusting that God is good, God is for me and His plan is better than any of my plans.  So, I guess…Jesus take the wheel?

I would rather live my life as if there is a God and die to find out that there isn’t, than live my life as if there isn’t and die to find out there is.

– Albert Camus

IMO

/ Roxie / 1 Comment

Here’s the situation: There are so many opinions in the world and so many people who can’t handle other people’s opinions!  Why?

Do you know what annoys me?  I know, it’s hard to narrow down to just one thing!  When people make sweeping, matter-of-fact statements in a way that leaves no room for you to respond or feel otherwise.  “________ is the greatest musician of our generation, period!”  Or, when someone tells you what you or other people should’ve done.  “You should’ve…”, “they should’ve…”.   Thanks tips, it’s a little late now!  Also…all of those are just opinions.  Your opinions, and I might disagree with them.  My disagreeing with them doesn’t make me any more right or you any more wrong though.  It’s just a difference in opinion, but lately it seems like people cannot handle when someone has an opposing view!

I’m Just Here For the Comments

We see this overtly played out on social media.  Wanna witness immaturity in action – just go to the comments section!  To me, the comments are the equivalent of children holding their thumbs to their head, wiggling their fingers and saying “neener neener neener”, but sadly it’s the adults who are acting so ridiculous.

Our discomfort with an opposing view is another contributing factor to why we have such a cancel culture.  Don’t like what someone has to say or what they stand for?  Cancel everything they’ve ever done.  Disregard everything thing they’ve ever said.  Cut them out of humanity, their existence is now meaningless.  They must be silenced and we must be heard!  I understand if you want to stand up for a cause or stand up for justice, but also know, everyone is entitled to their own opinion and you ‘canceling’ them, isn’t necessarily going to change how they feel!  So what’s your desired outcome?  And do you think you can achieve it simply by pretending something or someone no longer exists?

A Christian, An Agnostic & A Muslim Walk Into a Bar

I’m fairly opinionated and at times I have no problem voicing that (often unpopular) opinion either.  I even enjoy a healthy heated discussion, but I learned many years ago that sometimes it’s best to just mind your own business!

It was a conversation I walked in on with 2 people I know very well.  One, a Muslim and one, well, just a loudmouth who loves to be heard!  They were debating the Bible and the Quran and women wearing a head covering.  I listened for a few minutes as the Muslim guy spoke about the Quran and the loudmouth about what the Bible has to say.  He actually wasn’t wrong, but he also wasn’t explaining the reasoning behind what the Bible says or old testament (old law) vs. new testament (new law).  It got to a point where I could no longer stand idly by and listen to a guy that does not attend church, does not practice any sort of religion and does not actually read the Bible, talk about it like he was some kind of scholar!  And so, I piped in.  All I wanted to do was give further explanation into why the Bible says what it says, as someone who understands it as an “insider”!  Instead, the loudmouth was now trying to lecture me about the Bible.  (Add that to my list of annoyances – when people try to educate me on something I’m actually more familiar with than them.)

That conversation was quite possibly the last time I ever voluntarily interjected when I wasn’t involved from the beginning!  What I learned from that and other conversations I’ve had, is that most times, people are not wanting to have a discussion to hear what you have to say from a curiosity standpoint.  They’re not looking for more information so that they can see another side or to change their own point of view; they just want to argue to try and sway you and if they can’t do that, then they at least want to make you look or feel like a fool!

Discussion Vs. Argument

Discussion – the action or process of talking about something in order to reach a decision or exchange ideas.

Argument – an exchange of diverging or opposed views, typically a heated or angry one.  A reason or set of reasons given with the aim of persuading others that an action or idea is right or wrong.

Opinions Are Like @$$holes – Everybody Has One

As an aside, why do we put so much stock into someone else’s opinion anyway?  They’re not us!  They didn’t have our upbringing.  We haven’t shared in our formative years and experiences, so they don’t have our thoughts or our feelings.  Have you ever wanted to go see a movie with a friend, but that friend says “it got really poor reviews”.  Ok, and?  It’s not going to deter me if I really want to see something.  I’ll make that judgement for myself.  Or have you ever read a newspaper review about a concert you were at the night before?  I have, many times, and while I probably thought the concert was great and enjoyed every minute of it, the writer spends the whole article criticizing everything from the opening act, right through to the encore.  Yes, well, that’s what happens when you send a 50 year old, hard rock loving man to a pop concert – he’s not going to enjoy it because it’s not his thing!  It’s an OPINION, but too often people are taking opinions as facts.opinions5 (2)

Or someone might voice an opinion on social media and within seconds, someone else is there to attack it.

“I’m really starting to be skeptical of the measures we’ve been told to take to keep ourselves safe from Covid-19.  Are they actually doing anything?  Why is the media insistent on perpetuating fear around something that has a 98% survival rate?”
– I can’t believe you would even post such a statement!  You should really educate yourself.  Hundreds of people are dying every day and you’re too good to wear a mask?!

…hold up – what?  How did one get that from the other?  That’s not even what they said at all!  And if you’re so offended by someone’s OPINION, there’s this little button that says Unfollow or even Mute, so that you don’t have to see what you don’t want to.  And you don’t need to announce it either.  “UNFOLLOWING.”  Why do we feel like if we disagree, we must disagree to the death?

Iron Sharpens Iron

As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.

– Proverbs 27:17 (NLT)

I’m sure you’re familiar with a version of this, even if you didn’t realize it originated from the Bible.  It’s a verse that uses something practical to illustrate a lesson.  I’ve seen an episode or two of Forged in Fire, but I’m no expert on bladesmithing (or whatever you call it), so the process may be different now, but back in the times when this verse was written, they would use one iron blade to sharpen another iron blade and in turn, both became a more effective tool.  Without the presence of the other, it was impossible to become sharper and both blades would be dull and useless.  I’ve always understood this verse to be something of two agreeable relationships strengthening each other, probably because of the use of the word “friend”, but depending what translation you read, sometimes it says “so one person sharpens another” (NIV).  Interesting.  “Another” might not necessarily be a friend, but I think the lesson can still apply!

Sometimes I feel like more people would be better off if they were like me!  They’d be organized, good with finances and their lives wouldn’t be so dramatic all the time, but I also know that I don’t want a world full of me’s out there – one is bad enough!  We actually need various personalities and opinions and I think opposing viewpoints can even help problem-solve at times.  Imagine you were trying to find a cure for a disease or invent something that would revolutionize the world.  What if everyone thought the same way as you?  Sure, you’d all be in agreement and everything would be peaceful, but also, no one would come up with new ideas.  No one would challenge old ideas.  There would be no progress.  So why are we so bothered when someone has a different opinion than us?  Our different opinions might actually be sharpening each other into a more effective tool!

Mind Your Own Beeswax

The few times I read the comments on a post of someone I follow, I usually find myself getting fired up and wanting to respond…but I don’t, because I know it’s not going to help anything!  Then I think about the people who regularly engage in comment wars.  They must be so stressed out all the time!  Life is hard enough, why would I voluntarily take on the burden of opposing your opinion?  And why do I care so much about convincing you your opinion is wrong?  Like I said before, it’s just an opinion and you’re as entitled to yours, as I am to mine.  I feel like people are afraid that if they don’t publicly oppose someone’s opinion, others will think that they agree with it.  Just because you don’t outright speak against something, doesn’t automatically mean you’re for something!  And I can tell you this much – resolution rarely happens in the comments section on social media, with strangers!

I’m not saying you have to like people with different opinions and I’m not saying you should blindly follow the masses either.  I just think sometimes it’s best not to engage.  Sometimes you need to agree to disagree.  Yes, think for yourself and don’t take opinions as facts and when you hear something, use discretion.  Use common sense.  Use logic.  If possible (like in real life), have a conversation, don’t have an argument.  Be inquisitive.  Find out why someone thinks the way they think without having an ulterior motive.  And sure, have your opinions, but be open to having your opinions changed too!  That doesn’t make you flaky, that actually shows you have character!  BUT…that’s just my opinion!

Say What You Need to Say

/ Roxie / 1 Comment

Here’s the situation: Sometimes I wish people would just do as John Mayer instructed and say what they need to say! 

A little over a year ago, a girl I’d been friends with for nearly 6 years, decided to end the friendship by, well, starting a text conversation, but never replying to it.  Normally I wouldn’t let go of a friendship with such ease, but this particular one had wore me out.

We met through mutual friends after she moved to my city not knowing anyone and we got along instantly.  We were close in age, in the same stage of life, shared similar hopes, dreams, the same faith, and we seemed to enjoy spending our free time the same way, which made hanging out really easy!  She was inquisitive and great at drawing information from you and listening as you poured your heart out, especially when you were struggling.  However, when the tables were turned, she was super secretive, would deflect every question and brushed off things that mattered by cheekily saying “it’s better this way”.

It wasn’t.

I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to cultivate a friendship with someone who’s built impenetrable walls around themselves, topped those walls with razor wire and surrounded them with a moat filled with piranhas, but it’s emotionally taxing!  Getting to the depth of friendship that I’m used to and think is normal and healthy after knowing someone for 6 years and spending countless hours with them, was impossible with her!  It’s not like I was prying for her deepest darkest secrets either.  I just thought maybe we’d gotten close enough that, for example, she’d tell me about a date she went on over the weekend, after the date happened, rather than finding out 2 months down the road that she even had a date!  Isn’t that what friends do?  Share their lives with each other?

If she was wrestling with something, rather than reach out, she would seclude herself and quit replying to texts or worse, reply with passive short answers…and for weeks at a time!
K Fine Texts THIS ONE
And you knew it wasn’t all good, but because she would never tell you what was going on, it was hard not to take it personally!  I was always left wondering what I did or said that was wrong and it felt like I was constantly begging her to be my friend or allow me to be her friend.  It was very disheartening.

When she would finally emerge from her funk, we would have an open and honest conversation about what was going on, how she was feeling, how it made me feel when she withdrew without explanation and I’d remind her that I was her friend and I made a good friend, if she’d only let me!

Save the Drama For Your Mama

I wish I could say that her and I only ever had that issue once.  Unfortunately, that exact cycle of radio silence and chasing and heart-to-hearts happened about 4 times in a 6 year span.  I’ve maintained friendships for 20+ years without anything remotely close to that happening once!  By the last time, I’d grown weary of it all.  If things hadn’t changed after I’d addressed it every time before, they probably never would.  I knew it was only a matter of time before we’d be back at that same place and emotionally, I couldn’t go through it again.

One of the things she said to me in her last text was that she ‘always considered my best and ignored her discomfort‘.  The text came a couple days after we had hung out and had an in-person conflict, so that instance being the reference point, I understood the text to mean that she always did what I wanted to do, even when she wasn’t feeling it.  (And because she never texted back when I replied to her, I never got clarification.)  That statement frustrated me!  It still frustrates me.  If she felt that way, why didn’t she say something?!  If I suggested plans that she didn’t want to do or plans that actually made her uncomfortable, why didn’t she say so?  Or say no?  And how long had she felt like that?  Why didn’t she just tell me what she was thinking or feeling from the start?!

You Want the Truth?  You Can’t Handle the Truth!

As a whole, I don’t think we like to disappoint people.  Most of us are afraid to say no and we don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings either.  We don’t want to offend anyone, rock the boat or do anything that might lead to a confrontation and we really don’t like the vulnerability, and sometimes awkwardness, that comes with being honest!  Instead, we tell these seemingly harmless little white lies to placate a situation.  You know the ones.  “I’ll call you.”  “Sure, I’d love to!”  “It’s not you, it’s me.”  (“No, those pants don’t make you look fat!”)

And if we’re not saying something, like my former friend, we’re probably saying nothing at all and just going with the flow until we can’t handle the flow anymore.  That’s usually when everything bubbles to the surface and the very things we were avoiding by playing nice, erupt into something much larger, that didn’t have to happen if we had only been honest with each other!

Unmet expectations lead to future resentments.

I know the intent is pure, but when I’ve been lied to or shielded from the truth, simply because someone didn’t want to hurt my feelings, it almost seemed to hurt more than it might’ve had they just been honest from the beginning.  I mean, I’m a big girl – I can handle the truth!

Quit Playing Games With My Heart

As I get older, I’m really starting to appreciate when people are just plain honest with me.  Sure, sometimes honesty stings, but it really only stings for a moment.  Unlike the polite little lies we tell, when we’re honest, there’s nothing left in question.  Plus, honesty gives you a starting place to work from or an ending place to move from.

The easiest examples of this are from my past relationships.  More often than not I was ghosted, which is just rude and immature, but it’s also incredibly frustrating because you never know why or what happened!  It always took me way longer to get over these relationships too, since there was never any real closure.

The Great Ghost Debate

Ghosting – The practice of ceasing all communication and contact with a partner, friend or individual, without any apparent warning or justification and subsequently ignoring any attempts made by said partner, friend or individual to reach out or communicate.

I’ve heard arguments about what can actually be considered ghosting and what can’t.  For instance, if you went on 1 date and never heard from that person again, it technically isn’t ghosting.  I’m still on the fence about that, but in my instances of ghosting, there’s no debate.  A sudden drop of communication after dating someone for a month, 4 months, even up to 10 months…there was a definite poltergeist at hand.

Then there were the courteous break ups.  These are the ‘nice’ guys, who don’t want to hurt you, so they try to soften the blow by telling you all the amazing things about yourself.  “You’re the perfect woman.”  “Whoever ends up with you is going to be the luckiest guy.”  “I might regret this.”  (If you know me, you can probably hear how snidely I’m saying these lines.)  I don’t know if these guys realize they aren’t doing you any favors; they’re really just confusing you and making the break up even more difficult.  If I’m so great and you might regret this, why are you breaking up with me?!  The relationship might have closure, but your mind doesn’t.

Cause all you had to say was that you ain’t
Looking for commitment
Instead of telling me what I wanted to hear

– Shattered, Backstreet Boys

Lastly are my favorite break ups – if you can have a favorite break up.  These ones are rare because they take guts.  They usually take place in person and involve 100% honesty.  No-games, straight-up, here’s-exactly-what-I’m-thinking, here’s-exactly-what-I’m-feeling, mature conversations!  And they haven’t all been break ups either; sometimes they were just an honest dialog to discuss why we wouldn’t or shouldn’t start dating.  As agonizing and uncomfortable and heartbreaking as these conversations have the potential to be (for both parties involved), I always appreciate the transparency!  It’s actually so refreshing when you have someone tell it like it is and I WISH we practiced more of this in our day-to-day!

TBH

So why don’t we communicate better?  It’s the one thing we all do, every day; you’d think we’d want to do it well.

The greatest relationships (dating, friendships et al.) are the ones that bring out the best in you or help to make you the best version of yourself, but how can we do that for each other when we stay silent?  What’s wrong with letting someone know your expectations or telling them when they’ve hurt you?  Why can’t we just tell each other what we think or feel?  We should be able to be honest or call each other out on things and trust that we do have each others best interest at heart.  We also need to be open to hearing some truth too though.  That being said, these things should be done when there’s still the intent to work on the relationship, not as a final goodbye.  And remember, you can be honest, while still being kind!

Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from any enemy.

– Proverbs 27:6 (NLT)

Distractions

/ Roxie / 2 Comments

Here’s the situation: I think we waste a lot of time filling our days with distractions, not realizing there might be a bigger reason why we’re doing what we’re doing

I recently got sucked in to an episode of Dr. Phil, and I never watch shows like Dr. Phil!  It was a long weekend, a friend and I had just got back from a really long walk and when we plunked our lifeless bodies in front of the TV, Dr. Phil was the first thing that came on.  I’m ashamed and embarrassed and what’s worse – it was 3 parts, so I even set my PVR to record the next 2 episodes, because I had to know how it ended!

We missed the first 20 minutes, but were quickly intrigued by the topic of a lady who had been catfished by multiple men and scammed into giving away thousands of dollars.  I’m talking thousands; like over $100,000!  She met these men on online dating sites, but never in person, 3 of whom she got engaged to after as little as 5 days, 2 of which engagements overlapped, and conveniently, the men always happened to be stuck in another country or in some other extenuating circumstance that required her to send them money!

This lady pissed me off!  She was mousy and insecure and would barely look up to make eye contact.  Every time she opened her mouth to speak, I got more and more frustrated with her.  How can she be so naïve?  How can she fall for what is so obviously a scam?  How can I reach through the TV and slap her across her stupid face?!

She didn’t compute that she had been catfished and scammed, so throughout the 3 episodes Dr. Phil tried to make her face the facts.  He walked her through a timeline of her relationships and the money she’d lost and the absurdity of it all.  Dr. Phil sent a staff member to the country and address where 1 of these men said to be, but the address didn’t exist!  Dr. Phil even found the real men behind 2 of the photos and guess what?  They weren’t the men this woman was engaged to, but rather, men whose photos had been stolen and used by the catfishers’ on their profiles.

When all was said and done and Dr. Phil had done his best to prove everything was a lie (even though she still didn’t believe all of it was), she hung her head and said “now I have nothing left”.  What she had, and lost, was really just a fantasy and a distraction from reality.  As much as I hated this woman, a small piece of me felt for her and could even identify with her.  (Is this that empathy thing people are always talking about?)

Little Miss Analyzer

I think I’ve done every personality test out there and the result is always the same –  I’m an analyzer.  I’ve also cursed every personality test out there, because I want to be one of the fun personalities instead!  Alas, they are accurate, I am an analyzer.  I’m always surveying and processing and calculating the information I’m taking in.  I’m like the Terminator.  You know how he would scan someone up and down and gather data on his little red computer screen eyes?  (That’s how 1991’s Terminator 2 worked at least!)  Well, that’s how I feel – especially when it comes to guys.  Brace yourself for the crazy…

It doesn’t matter who you are in relation to me: someone I’ve been friends with for years, someone I’ve been on 1 date with or even a stranger I had a 3 minute conversation with; I’m constantly collecting intel and asking myself 1 of 2 questions – could this be the one*? or could you see yourself with this guy? (Unless of course you’re married, then you’re dead to me!)

I know that makes me sound like I should have the shower scene music from Psycho playing behind me at all times, but I swear I’m stable!  I blame this romanticism on my upbringing with Disney and rom-coms and years of listening to real life couples tell the tales of how they met!  The normal and/or “we met online” stories don’t often get expanded on, so it’s usually the unique ones that you hear every detail of.  Like, a guy that helped a random girl get her luggage off the baggage carousel at an airport, or strangers who met in line at a Starbucks.  When you’ve been single for a long time, or maybe I should say, when you’ve been hoping to find the one* for a long time, and infiltrated with so many exception-to-the-rule stories, it’s hard not to think that that magical moment could maybe, potentially, hopefully, one day be a possibility for you too.  Thus, your senses are always slightly heightened in every situation, especially when you’re already an analyzer!

If my brain can contemplate those questions with guys I’m not in a relationship with, just imagine how far and how fast it runs when I’m actually dating someone!

* I don’t subscribe to the notion of there being “the one”, so I’m only using this phrase as a concept that you can relate to, but really what I mean is I’m looking for my SOMEone

Love Hurts.  Love Bites.  Love is a Battlefield.

When life is going good, I forget to savor the moments.  I have this tendency to take the moments and build on them in my mind with grandiose fantasies of what could be and reside in those future moments.  I really should be in a Disney movie or a rom-com, because that’s the reality I like to live in.  And in Disney or rom-coms, that reality works out 100% of the time!  Unfortunately, real life doesn’t always and nothing reminds me of that faster than a break up.

Break ups suck!  I used to think they only sucked when you’re the one being dumped, but it turns out, they suck when you’re the one doing the dumping too…maybe just not quite as much!  I think the hardest part about a break up, whichever end of it you might be on, is not always letting go of the person, but letting go of the routine and the rhythms you created with that person and letting go of the picture you had for your future.  A break up robs you of what might’ve been.  I think that’s where we can get hung up or feel like we have nothing left.  The certainty we (thought we) had, just became uncertain and starting back at zero is a discouraging and scary place to be.  What if we never find anyone again?  What if our life doesn’t turn out the way we hoped?  How do we survive reality, when reality sometimes just bites?

The Great Escape

How do you cope with pain? rejection? disappointment? heartbreak? loneliness?  Even boredom?  Do you lose yourself in Netflix or video games or drown your sorrows with drugs or alcohol?  Are you a workaholic?  Shopaholic?  Do you eat your feelings or do you go extreme in the opposite direction and harness them into fitness?  Do you post on social media strictly to get likes because you need an ego boost?  Or maybe you’re addicted to dating apps and have multiple meaningless hook ups because attention is nice.  Perhaps you go on online dating sites with good intentions and get rapt up in a chat relationship with someone you don’t actually know, but they make you feel special and like you have something in your life?  Does that sound like that was maybe the case for the lady on Dr. Phil?  If you couldn’t identify with her before, can you now?

I can only assume she poured herself into her alternate online universe to distract herself from the pain • rejection • disappointment • heartbreak • loneliness • boredom in her real life.  And I base that on the thinking that we often do the same.  Our distractions just might not look so overtly desperate or we can get away with ours because they’re more socially acceptable.  In fact, we’re so used to constant stimulation, we might not even recognize that we are just distracting ourselves.  And there ain’t no shame in that game, we’ve all been there in some way!

We don’t like to sit with our feelings or actually take the time necessary to heal before moving on to the next thing, because the reality of that is, it might hurt more than we thought and take longer than we want.  So instead, we distract ourselves because distractions feel good, but more importantly, distractions distract!  They are an escape.  They give us something to focus on and help us forget reality or numb our pain, if even for just a little while.  Distractions pass the time, but when we’re distracted, we’re not passing it with any purpose!

Dis·trac·tion (noun) – a thing that prevents someone from giving full attention to something else

I’m sure you’ve heard the sayings wherever you go, there you are, or wherever you go, you take you with you.  They’re true.  You can’t outrun your pain, because you take it with you and you can only hide it from yourself for so long.   Whatever you choose to bury or ignore or distract yourself from, doesn’t go away, it just drags out the process and delays the inevitable!  It’ll still be there waiting for you whenever you’re ready to deal with it and you will have to deal with it, in some way, at some point.

lizlemon

Insert Food Related Metaphor Here

I don’t know about you, but when I’m at a potluck or a buffet and I have a variety of food on a plate in front of me, I like to take a nibble of each first to gauge the order I want to eat in.  This way I can avoid the stuff that isn’t good, eat the ok food next and finish with the really good stuff, leaving on a high note, because there’s nothing worse than your last bite sucking!  Moral of the story – I don’t want to fill up on food that wasn’t worth the space in my stomach and have no room left for the good stuff or a second helping!  That’s kind of how I feel about life too – I don’t want to fill all of the empty spaces with distractions and have no room left for the good stuff when it comes along!

So what do we do with our free time if we’re not distracted?  Honestly, I’m still trying to figure that out!  It can be especially hard when you’re single and watching other people with their full lives, while yours feels pretty vacant.  Distractions almost seem like the only option to bide your time and believe me, there have been plenty of moments I’ve found solace in almost every one of those things I listed.  Heck, there are still times I find solace in them!  I think the best we can do is keep our motivations in check to make sure we’re not just just trying to fill a hole and instead, “distract” ourselves with healthy things.  Set goals, better ourselves, (maybe write a blog) and trust that one day God will bring your grandiose fantasies to fruition.

Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. – Colossians 3:2 (NIV)

 

 

Decisions Decisions

/ Roxie / 1 Comment

Here’s the situation: We make so many decisions a day without even thinking about it, because most of them seem insignificant.  But did you know that every choice you make and the habits you’re forming right now actually play a larger role in your future than you might realize?

If I had to identify with a TV character, it would unfortunately be one of the crazy ones, like Annie from Community or Leslie Knope from Parks & Rec.  They’re anal, organized and they love their binders!  Since I was engaged once, I’ve dabbled in a little wedding planning and I too had a binder!  It was ‘Martha Stewart’s Keepsake Wedding Planner’.  It had different tabs and dividers for dresses and flowers, and special pages to write out your guest list and plastic inserts to hold business cards, etc.  One of the pages was a checklist.  Martha gurl, you are speaking my language – I LOVE LISTS!  At the top, you wrote your wedding date and below was a list of everything you needed to have done 6 months before the wedding, 3 months before the wedding, 2 weeks, 1 week, the day before, the day of…you get the picture!

This backward design process is actually how I plan most things in my life now.  If I want to save a specific dollar amount by a certain date or if I’m leaving for a holiday in 2 weeks and need to get a bunch of stuff done before I go; I always look ahead to the goal and plan the steps to get there in reverse.  Doing things this way keeps you on track and saves you from forgetting anything or running around like a maniac at the last second!  I never used to be like this though.  Why would I plan for the future when it was so far away?

I YOLO’d Before YOLO Was Cool

The acronym ‘YOLO’ really only became a thing in 2011, but long before people were making poor decisions and passing them off as “you only live once”, I was making poor decisions and passing them off as “being in my 20s”.  I was raised in a Christian home and went to a Christian school, blah, blah, blah.  It was as boring as it sounds, so when I finally became an adult and could make my own decisions (whilst hiding those decisions from my parents because I still lived at home and they were scary!), I decided that partying was way more fun than church, so that’s what I did. 

When one of my best friends and I first met, we bonded quickly once we realized how much we had in common!  We had the same cultural background and were familiar with the same traditional foods.  We discovered our moms actually grew up in the same province, in towns 10 minutes apart.  We learned that we’d both been raised in Christian homes, but not just that, we were raised in Christian homes, but neither of us were living as Christians for the time being.  We were young, on the cusp of emerging from lengthy awkward stages and ready to paaaartaaaay!  We moved out of our parents houses and in together and from there we started to kick @$$, take names and break hearts!  Over the years we talked about how we knew we’d go back to church…eventually…but not quite yet, because we were having too much fun!

‘Eventually’ came when we all started to age out of the club and my friends were getting into serious relationships.  I figured that was a good time to get my life back on track so that I could meet that Christian man I’d always wanted, but knew I wouldn’t find at the bar.

That’ll Teach Ya!

Years after being back in the church but remaining single, I wondered if God hadn’t been withholding from me.  Perhaps if I hadn’t quit going to church…?  Perhaps if I didn’t party so much…?  Perhaps if I hadn’t done      (whatever)     , things would be different?  Instead, God must’ve been punishing me for my past; there was no other explanation for it! 

While other Christians know a loving and gracious God, I feel like I’ve always known “lesson God”.  Perhaps you’re familiar with Him too?  The God who lets you fall on your face to learn.  The God who will delay something you really want to teach you patience.  The one who will give you a physical ailment to show you that you shouldn’t judge others or to teach you humility.  I know these things can happen, but purposeful spite isn’t a characteristic of God, and as much as I’ve matured in my faith over the years, when things don’t work out the way I’d hoped, my default always goes back to wondering what God is punishing me for this time, or what lesson I’m supposed to learn now.  (I’m still a work in progress people, get off my back!)

I think it’s because of this, that I feel responsible for some of the delays in my life and now that I’m older, I really strive to make the best decisions for my future and not hold up the process any longer!  Let’s say that my 20s did, in fact, affect my 30s.  How is what I do today going to affect me a week from now, a year from now or even 35 years from now?!

Papa Don’t Preach

When I was a kid, my dad would go to the mall every Saturday morning as soon as it opened and head straight to the lottery kiosk to check his tickets and buy new ones.  This is the routine he kept as far back as I can remember.  He was also an avid “donor” to our local fundraising lotteries.  You know, the ones where a portion of the ticket goes to charity, but more importantly, you have the chance to win a brand new home or other prizes!  (Spoiler alert, we never won the lottery!)

Around 8 years before he died, he started showing signs of confusion.  I would go to my parents house for a visit and he would ask me a question and a few minutes later, ask the same question again.  I found it rather annoying because I just assumed he hadn’t been listening.  One summer he decided to do a cross Canada road trip to visit his family back home, a province he was very familiar with.  On this trip however, he got lost multiple times, followed another vehicle for about 6 hours in the wrong direction and I could swear someone told me he ended up on a private military base and got in trouble for it.  It was at a doctor’s appointment during these years that the words “early onset dementia” were first mentioned.

About 2.5 years before he died he was officially diagnosed with dementia.  Until that time my mom hadn’t shared any details with me about what had been happening at home; probably not to worry me.  I would eventually come to find out that my dad had been pulling garbage out of the garbage can in the middle of the night and flushing it down the toilet.  Or forgetting to take his diabetes meds throughout the week, then taking a week’s worth in a day.  His temper would flare and he’d slam doors or threaten to jump out of the moving vehicle if my mom wanted to drive.  He would pay bills twice or miss payments altogether and he would lose money; either actually physically losing cash or spending it and not remembering where.  Because of this loss of awareness, now when he went to buy lottery tickets, he would buy all the tickets or spend double the money he would’ve had he still had his wits about him.

I often think about this.  Even as the rest of his mind was failing, the habit of buying lottery tickets was so well ingrained, that it was that part of his routine that stayed in tact, and to the detriment of my parents finances.  It really makes me consider, or reconsider, any habits I may unknowingly be forming right now!  If I want to have the best future possible, what steps can I plan in reverse to achieve that?

Choose Wisely

We live in a YOLO culture, that has become addicted to instant gratification.  People act on every emotional whim and we encourage it with inane sayings like “follow your heart” and “live your truth”.  Depriving ourselves of anything or practicing self control is so contrary to the norm, that it can feel like the wrong choice!  Why would we deliberately subject ourselves to something that doesn’t make us immediately feel better?  Unfortunately, every decision we make today will affect our future in some way, we just don’t often think about that!  I know I never used to!

When I quit my job to go back to school, but continued to spend money like I was working, I didn’t think about the debt I was racking up!  How could I have known it would take me 8 years of tight budgets and hard work to pay off?  I never considered that while I was out “being in my 20s”, the Christian man I hoped to one day find, was probably already in church finding someone else.  Or that when I’d go back to church, my options would have greatly dwindled because I wasted all of that time!

The saying is true – you do only live once, so how do you want to live?  I want the next half of my life to be better than my first.  I don’t want to be 60 years old and winded after walking up a flight of stairs because I didn’t bother to get in shape when I was actually physically capable to do so.  I don’t want to carry a bunch of emotional baggage into my future because dealing with it made me too uncomfortable.  I don’t want to look like a piece of leather when I’m older because I enjoyed the sun too much when I was young!  (That’s shallow me talking.)  On top of all that, I’ve waited so long to find someone, that when I finally do, I want to give them the best years of my life, not make them deal with my dying decrepit years!

The past is in the past and we can’t do anything to change that.  The consequences of those actions might long be set in motion, but we can instantly redeem our future by considering our decisions today!  So think about where you are, where you want to be and how you plan to get there.  And for the love of all that is holy, make good choices!

make-good-choices

21 Questions

/ Roxie / Leave a comment

Here’s the situation: I like results.  I’m the kind of weirdo who wants to see how much comes out of the vacuum canister after I’ve cleaned or look at a wax strip once all the hair has been ripped from my flesh.  If I’ve been working out, I want to see changes in my body or if I’ve been saving money, I want to notice my bank balance go up.  I just want the assurance that the work I’ve been putting in is getting results and I haven’t completely been wasting my time!

If you’ve been single, or a Christian, or a single Christian for any length of time, you’ve probably been on the receiving end of some of the most annoying comments and/or unhelpful advice people like to give.  I’ve often thought of writing a book one day filled with these things to help prevent anyone from repeating them in the future!  I know they come from a good place and I appreciate everyone’s desire to try and encourage, but you should know, your words aren’t doing me any favors.  Here’s a sample of what I’m talking about, with a glimpse into what goes through my mind while I’m blankly staring at you and politely smiling:

You need to get married, it’s so awesome!
Right, ok, I’ll just pop out and do that because it’s super easy and I haven’t been trying to for 20 years!

Your story will encourage others one day!
Oh gee, I’m so happy I could go through this to make someone else feel better…

Then there’s these 2:
God’s more concerned with your growth than your happiness.  /  Focus on your eternity instead.
Wow, so encouraging, thank you oh sainted one!  How could my human nature possibly be thinking about wanting to enjoy this life, when the idea that there are rubies awaiting my crown in heaven should be enough to tide me over another 40 years?!

Hey man, nobody said what goes through my mind was mature!

Last, certainly not least, but possibly my least favorite:
BECOME THE PERSON, THE PERSON YOU ARE LOOKING FOR, IS LOOKING FOR
Insert eye roll here.  I didn’t use to dislike this one as much.  In fact, I used to think it was rather brilliant, but now it just seems to be a Christian cliché.

The Becoming

As a *cough*orty something year old, that line does nothing more than create frustration in me, whereas when I first heard it in my late 20s, it was encouraging.  After a series of unsuccessful relationships, it shifted my focus and gave me a project, and since I’m task oriented, I love a to-do list!  Plus, it seemed like such a simple formula.  Put in the work and get your desired outcome!  If, by chance, I was the common denominator that made every relationship not work, I was ready to get my crap sorted out and get this show on the road!!  The sooner I became, the sooner I would be found!

And so, armed with my revolutionary new mindset, I went to work.  I listened to messages about healthy marriages and watched couples interact so that I knew what to model myself after (or not).  I asked people around me if they saw an area in me that I needed to work on, but had overlooked.  I worked on getting my finances in order, because debt isn’t cute!  And since I was going to become this amazing wife that someone would be looking for, I figured maybe I should learn how to cook!  Over the years I built a simple, but tasty, repertoire of meals, not to mention my recent feat of becoming Suzy FREAKING Homemaker with the jams and the perogies and the cinnamon buns!

It’s now been at least 12 years since first taking the steps towards “becoming the person” and still nobody is buying what I’m selling!  Does that mean I still haven’t become that person yet?  Seriously, how long is this process?  Ok, don’t answer that, because I know what you’re thinking – we’re always in the process of becoming Rox!  Yeah yeah, I get that, but I know some jacked up people who didn’t have to “become” anything, so if I’m being required to, how jacked up am I?  How come it seems that some of us have to spend all of this extra time in the oven, when others are served raw?  And it’s not all frustration about “becoming” for a relationship.  Sometimes it’s the frustration of “becoming” for the future whatever-I-may-need-to-be.

milkshake

Purpose Driven Life

The frontal lobe of the brain is responsible for reasoning, motor skills, emotion and language and I’m pretty sure, like most, my reasoning and emotions are in a constant battle.  My reasoning side is what you may call a pessimist, but I call a realist.  It’s unnecessarily logical and always pointing out the facts.  My emotional side is like a dirty hippie named Starflower, who wants to run free, dance like no one is watching and believes dreams actually do come true!  In my case, reasoning usually muscles out Starflower and that might be a good thing most of the time, but unfortunately, it also gives me an overwhelming need to know WHY.  Why did certain people come into my life?  Or leave for that matter?  Why did [this] or [that] happen, or work, or not work out?  I need to rationalize, make sense of, or justify things in order to be satisfied with the answer.  I don’t know that I believe in coincidences, so there has be a purpose behind it all and I want to know what it is!

Everything Happens for a Reason

A few months before I bought the condo I’m in, I had actually purchased a different one.  It had my 3 requirements: it was in the neighborhood I wanted, it had underground parking and it had in suite laundry.  Bonus – it was also significantly below my budget!  I was so excited to have found such a cute little place!  I immediately started to plan out everything in my head; how I’d set up my room, how I’d decorate and what color I’d paint the place as soon as I moved in – I was thinking grey.  Of course, the place had some flaws, but no deal breakers.  The appliances were older and a few of them would likely need to be replaced within a year, plus the laminate was installed poorly and an ugly brown, so I knew I’d eventually want to change that too and I already knew what I’d go with!  While I was busy mentally moving in and entertaining guests, the lender was busy denying me.  The sellers had accepted my offer, I had a downpayment and I had a perfect credit score, how could I be denied?!  I was told that it had to do with the lender requirements of how the building was constructed of all things and none of it had to do with me!  It was completely out of my control!  The sale fell through and I was crushed.  How would I ever find something so great again?!

Fast forward 3 months to the place I’m in now.  It was a bit more money, but still under my budget.  It didn’t have my 3 requirements either, but it was only 5 minutes from where I wanted to be, it had the exact flooring that I would’ve chose for the other place, the appliances were brand new and it was already painted the perfect shade of grey (and if you’ve ever tried to find the perfect grey, you know it’s not easy!).  When I moved in, I didn’t have to change or update anything, or even plan to change or update anything in the future!  It also gets way more natural light than I would’ve at the other place, which I’ve come to realize is very important to me and even though I didn’t get my in suite laundry, there are 3 washers and dryers just down the hall from my unit and I can finish all of my laundry in under 2 hours – who else can really say that?  Oh yea, did I mention I have access to a tennis court and an outdoor pool too?  (Even though an outdoor pool is completely unnecessary in Canada!)

When You Haven’t Found That Reason Yet

I love to trace back and see what got me to where I am.  It’s that assurance that what I’ve been doing hasn’t been a total waste.  It’s that full vacuum canister!  On the other hand, when your path seems to have led nowhere and you don’t have answers to your questions, it can make the present difficult to accept.

By now, it’s no secret that I always wanted to get married.  To be a wife and take care of a spouse and live in suburbia with my husband was the apex.  I never wanted to birth babies or really raise young kids for that matter, but I always thought when I was older, it would be nice to have a family (of grown children).  And if I was going to be a mom, I wanted to be a young mom, however that ship sailed a loooong time ago!  Over the years I dated a number of guys who already had kids and I thought – if this works out, I get to skip the steps I never wanted to do, but get that grown family in the end, so this path checks out!  As you know though, things didn’t work out that way.  Or any of those ways actually, leaving me to try and reason why.  Why did the good Lord give me the desire to be married if I’m just going to be single forever?  He could’ve left that little part out of my DNA and I’d be none the wiser.  Why did I spend all that time preparing to be an amazing wife or learning how to cook if it’s only ever going to be for me?  I had no problem with my lack of kitchen skills or my sad diet of salad and rice cakes with melted cheese!  Plus it kept me way thinner!

As the aforementioned dream slowly died over the years, I had to find a new one!  In fact, the cookie cutter life that was once the goal, now seems too small!  Yes, I do still hope to get married one day, but living an ordinary life has become my greatest fear!  With the vision of my new future in mind, I can look back and recognize instances that would’ve been preparing me for where I’m headed.  There’s a snag though.  That new dream is nowhere near the realm of anything I’m capable of and far, far, far outside of my comfort zone.  So why did my original dream have to be replaced with something even bigger and more impossible, when I couldn’t even accomplish the small one?  Why does it feel like the path has been leading me to a place I can see, but am not sure I’ll ever reach?  And why is the person I need to be for that future, not the person I actually am?

Don’t Place a Period Where God Put a Comma

Here’s what I know.  I know nothing!  And I’m learning just how little I know, more and more every day!  I’m also s l o w l y learning to be ok with not knowing or being able to figure it all out.  Things (do) have a way of working out (in time).  Look at the condo; the second one turned out to be way better than the first, so I guess I don’t really need to understand everything, I just like to.  And all of those relationships that didn’t work and the impossible dreams that grew and the “becoming” I’ve been going through – the WHY’s will be clear one day and I’ll look back, as with everything else in my life, and see that there was a purpose in it all.  But for now, we wait!  …and we try to wait patiently, even though we feel we might be over baked…

Offended

/ Roxie / Leave a comment

Here’s the situation:  Everybody is offended lately.  Well maybe I’m offended that you’re offended!  Ever think of that?

People are endlessly looking for the secret to a happy life and I’ve discovered it!  Don’t pay attention to the news!  Ignorance is bliss!  I hear about 2 minutes of news a day on the radio as I get ready and that’s enough to keep me up to date without my world being infiltrated with negativity.  I get that it’s good to be informed, but the news and Facebook feeds and media in general are so frustrating!  Every day there’s something new about someone saying or doing something that people are offended by and it’s gotten to be ridiculous!  There isn’t a band-aid big enough to cover everyone’s hurt feelings!

Sometimes I wonder if I’ve just gotten old and crotchety.  Like, if I had a lawn, maybe I’d be outside shaking my fist and yelling at kids to get off of it.  That kind of crotchety.  But really, I think the world has gone mad and I can’t handle it!  Who are these people who get so offended and when did everyone get so sensitive?

Ugly Duckling

Hal – I would never believe a girl this beautiful could have such a great personality.

Mauricio – Ugly duckling syndrome.

Hal – What?

Mauricio – She probably didn’t get pretty ’til high school, thus the personality had to develop out of necessity.  It’s an evolutionary thing.

Hal – You know what, I bet you’re right.  She’s way too pretty to be so nice.

Mauricio – Sometimes they’re ugly so long, when they finally turn pretty, they don’t even realize it; it’s like the ugly self image is so well ingrained.  That’s a real find.

– Jack Black & Jason Alexander, Shallow Hal (2001)

When you are [still] in your awkward stage at 19 and don’t have looks to rely on, you have to develop a personality in order to win people over (namely boys).  Along with a personality, you observe what is going to fly and what is not, and then you make sure to be laid back, so as to not give anyone reason to dislike you.  In my experience, being a prudish, offended, prissy girl was cause for mockery, so if you wanted to fit in, be accepted and have boys think you were cool, hearing crude jokes or inappropriate comments and not being bothered by them was just part of the territory.  This talent to brush things off came in handy since I went on to work in the construction industry and have for some 20 years now.  I still hear things daily that would make my mom’s head spin!  I might not want to hear everything anymore or be talked with like ‘one of the guys’, but it’s not often that I get truly offended by inappropriate comments.  Heck, most of the time I’m flattered someone would still make them to me!  I think my early training in not being offended has made me a little more calloused towards our PC culture than many of today’s precious little snowflakes.

‘Tis the Season to be Offended, Fa La La La La La La La La

We recently passed Halloween, which, as a Christian, you will hear many stances for or against.  My stance?  I actually haven’t cared enough to look into the root of it, because I’m always ok with free candy!  My problem with Halloween in 2019 though, is there are so many costumes deemed offensive.  If a guy puts on a dress and ugly make up, it’s offensive.  If you put on the traditional garb of another culture, it’s offensive.  If you dress up like a celebrity who is deceased, it’s disrespectful.  What about people who dress up like Mr. Clean?  Are neat-freak bald guys offended?  Or girls who dress up like a slutty cat.  What do the actual slutty cats think?  Yes, there are some costumes that do cross the line, but half of the fun in Halloween is dressing up so you don’t look like yourself.  Besides, didn’t imitation used to be the greatest form of flattery?

Now we’re 2 days away from Christmas and heaven forbid you wish someone a Merry Christmas.  That would be forcing your religion down someone’s throat!  Let me remind you that the only reason you get the 25th off is because it’s a religious holiday.  Maybe we should stop allowing people who don’t believe in Jesus to take time off?  Sorry, there goes your Easter holiday too.  How do you think that would go over?

What about the Christmas song that they want to ban from radio, ‘Baby, It’s Cold Outside’?  It’s an innocent flirty Christmas song, it’s not some dark ode to date rape.  Rather than taking it out of context, why not research it?  If you did, you would learn it was composed in 1944 by Frank Loesser, who originally wrote it as a playful call-and-response duet for him and his wife to perform at their housewarming party while their guests were preparing to leave.  Ooooh, menacing hey?

Let’s not forget about the controversial Peloton ad that had the internet up in arms this year.  A husband gave his wife a piece of exercise equipment for Christmas.  How sexist!  What is he saying?  Is he body shaming her?  Must she stay in shape to please him visually or sexually?  Is this a form of coercive control?  Everybody take a breath.  It’s a commercial from a business trying to sell a stationary bike.  That’s it.  Why must we read into everything?!

That’s the 2019 mindset though.  Everything has an underlying message of ill intent.  Not true.  We think if we ban something or boycott something else, we’ve solved the problem.  Not true.  Just because we lock something away doesn’t mean we’ve fixed anything.

Do I Offend?

I was telling a friend about a guy I knew, who jokingly messaged me “marry me!” after he found out I was watching his favorite sport on TV.  I laughed about it and of course, didn’t give it a second thought.  I knew the guy was joking and found it amusing.  My friend however, found it offensive that he would say something like that to me.  I tried to understand how it was at all offensive, but couldn’t and to this day, I still can’t, yet my friend was really bothered by it!

offend

In another instance, I was telling a boyfriend about a guy friend who would always toss out a degrading greeting when he would see me or his other female friends.  I knew the guy was joking and didn’t actually think these things about us.  I also knew that what he said about me wasn’t true, so it didn’t bother me; it held no weight.  This is just how the guy is – a bit of a douche bag.  My then-boyfriend was super offended by it though and wanted to confront the guy to defend my honor.  Ummmm, no.  That friend had been around longer than that boyfriend and if I was really bothered by it, I would’ve handled it myself, but I wasn’t.

These sorts of situations, and the scads of offended people making news every day, lead me to wonder – how many times are we offended on behalf of other people when the person who rightfully should be offended, isn’t?  Are we just fighting a battle to make ourselves look better?

You Can’t Say That

I recently called a friend to ask that very question and more.  As a blonde haired…ok fine…as a dyed blonde haired, blue eyed, white girl living in Canada, I haven’t faced things like racism.  My friend however, could be subject to it.  He is, stay with me now, Indian/Native American/First Nations/Aboriginal/Indigenous.  I told him how I’d used the term Native American before and was quickly corrected that I couldn’t say that anymore, because it was offensive – it was Indigenous now!  I wanted to ask him if one was more offensive than another because it has changed so many times over the years or if they were even offensive at all to someone who could be/would be offended by it.  His answer?  It all just depends in which context they are being used.  That goes with most things, I suppose.  What stood out to me and goes with my point above is that the person who corrected my faux pas was not Indigenous, they were white!  Again I wonder, are we just trying to save face?

Do I dare enter into this next segment?…

Tread Lightly Rox!

Freedom of speech.  Great concept, however it seems like you only actually have freedom of speech if you’re in the majority with your ideals.  Anything counter-culture and people are quick to call you out.  Buy your wife a Peloton and you’re sexist.  Stand up for your beliefs and you’re a bigot.  Question someone’s life choices and you’re shaming them.  There are some heavy racism accusations getting tossed around so frequently and so flippantly lately, I think the weight of what you are actually labeling someone has been lost.

Racism is believing you are superior to someone else, based on race.  Unfortunately not every situation or friend group is going to be as diverse as a 90’s United Colors of Benetton ad, but we have to remember that that a) doesn’t make someone a racist, b) isn’t necessarily on purpose and c) we shouldn’t make anyone feel guilty for it.

An author I enjoy recently faced backlash after she booked a speaking tour featuring about 3 other Caucasian speakers.  People were calling her a racist and she had to issue an apology.  Touring with white people doesn’t make her believe her race is superior to others.  Maybe they were the only speakers available for those particular dates?

What about the uproar from The Bachelor never having a black male lead?  Let’s break it down logically for a minute.  It’s a TV show which thrives on ratings.  Those ratings are driven by viewers.  The viewers are predominantly white women (stats show about 80%) and producers generally pick a male/female lead based on viewer popularity.  If the larger demographic of viewers are Caucasian and they are attracted to Caucasians (which doesn’t make them racist either), then the producers shouldn’t be faulted for picking a Caucasian lead.  It’s a business; they want ratings.  I work with a Chinese girl and we’ve discussed attraction to other races before.  She has told me flat out she’s not attracted to white men.  Does that make her a racist?  No, she’s just not attracted to white men.  There are plenty of white men that I’m not attracted to either!

I Will Cut You

One tweet at the fingertips of someone with a little bit of influence can turn the whole world against you.  The problem with the power of social media is that is there are two sides to every story but once one side has been heard, we don’t often allow the other side to be told.  We are passionate about social justice but continue to handle it incorrectly.  If someone does something we don’t agree with, we want to cut them down, cut them off or cut them out, and immediately.  We’re quick to rally against someone for the sake of our cause.

And why do we feel the need to go out of our way to make an example of someone we don’t like?  So we don’t like a celebrity or a political figure; can’t we just do that in silence?  Why do we feel warranted to dig into their past to ruin them?  There’s a statute of limitations on crimes, there has to be a statute of limitations on how far into a person’s past you can judge their actions.  People change!  Am I the same person I was 20 years ago?  Not even close.  What about 10 years ago or 5 years ago?  Similar, but not the same.  Have I said or done offensive things in my past, maybe just because I didn’t know any better?  Oh for sure!  Will I continue to say or do offensive things into the future?  Oh for sure!  Does that give anyone the right to have me fired or defame my character?  And why don’t we give out warnings anymore?  When did it become 1 strike, you’re out.  Perhaps it’s time to give people the benefit of the doubt and extend a little grace.  After all, we’ve all had grace extended to us and are given second chances daily.  People do change.

Who, Moi?

When we get offended, we tend to think it’s other people who are the problem.  After all, we would never have done that or said that, but we don’t often realize that offense is rooted in other things; insecurity, self righteousness, pride, grudges.  When we give in to offense, we elevate ourselves above others.  We have made ourselves the judge and jury as to what is correct and what isn’t, but that’s merely just our opinion, it isn’t necessarily fact!

The bible says that we shouldn’t be offended or that we should overlook offense.  It also says that pride is a sin, so who is actually in the wrong here; the offender or the offendee?  Perhaps the next time we are offended, we should look at ourselves to see why it bothered us so much.

Proverbs 19:11 (NIV)  A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.

All By Myself

/ Roxie / 1 Comment

Here’s the situation: It’s hard to make new friends as an adult!

I left an event recently and as I walked to my car, my eyes began to fill with tears.  I did the typical girl thing to make sure none of them actually escaped;  I blinked in rapid succession, waved my hands in front of my eyes and willed myself to ‘stop it’, but I could not gain control.  Within seconds of getting into my car I was bawling, in a parking lot, hoping no one would see me.  The only words I could get out, to no one but myself, were “I’m so tired of doing life alone!”.

Marry Your Best Friend

It should be common sense, but it took me more than a few crappy relationships before deciding that finding someone should actually enrich my life.  I may not always be thrilled to be single and I may not be in the position to be too selective anymore, but I’m not the type of girl who is going to settle for someone, just for the sake of having someone.  I’m not that desperate.  My life if pretty good actually and doesn’t need rescuing from some knight, so if I’m not going to be with someone who adds more value and enjoyment to what I already have, then I’d rather be single.  Now, I never wanted to be, or thought I’d be single at this age, but until recently, I never felt that single, because in a sense, I’ve had 2 spouses, just in best friend form.

My first “spouse” was my first roommate.  We lived together for 4 years and did everything together.  Worked together, worked out together, tanned together (separately), partied together…  I spent Christmases and Easters with her family or even just family dinners and games nights, I was there.  Our neighbors thought we were ‘partners’ and many people thought we were sisters.  We grocery shopped and ran errands together.  We just did life together.  When she got married, I moved in with my cousin, my second “spouse”, and we ended up living together for 11 years!  Even though our day to day lives weren’t quite so intertwined (different jobs, different hours, etc), similar to my first roommate, we did life together too, plus actually being blood relatives helped.  People who didn’t know us well thought we were either lesbians, sisters or eerily close friends.  The first time I’ve ever lived alone was after she got married.  It’s nice to have your own space and reign over Netflix and I’m one of those people who recharges alone, but it gets lonely.  Having a companion always made everything more fun, even the boring stuff.

Plus None

In all my years, there have only been 2 times that I brought a (male) date to an event and they were both with my then fiancé.  (Truth be told, I probably didn’t want him to come, but felt obligated out of fiancé-ly duty.  Reason #179 why we didn’t get married!).  Generally any sort of work party, wedding or other gala I get invited to, I know the people I’ll be around, so unless I’m actually in a relationship, I don’t often invite a date.  You just have to babysit them to make sure they’re having a good time or don’t get left alone, so unless I really like you, I can’t be bothered to bring a date, like I said above, for the sake of having a date.  I’ve grown accustomed to attending things alone, but sometimes there are moments that remind you just how alone you really are.

It was another wedding sans plus one.  I was friends with a bunch of people attending and told I’d be seated with a group I knew, so it was all good, I didn’t need a date.  I arrived at the reception and found my name on the seating chart.  Perfect – a round table of eight; 3 couples, myself and another girl whose husband couldn’t attend.  Only, last minute the husband could attend, so the seating chart attendant now had the unfortunate role of shuffling people around.

My emotions were heightened due to this wedding.  After these vows, I would be the last remaining single in this group of friends and being older than all of them, my time should’ve come first!  The seating chart attendant couldn’t have known how sensitive I was at that moment, so when she asked to move me, stating it was easiest because “you are the only one who’s single“, it felt like having a flaw that you’re self conscious of, but you don’t think anyone notices.  Only then you find out that not only do they notice it, they point it out to you!  For the sake of not making a scene, I obliged (while silently cursing everyone and their livelihood) and I was reassured that I would be moving to another table of people I knew.  It was true, I knew all but 1 person assigned there, however, I wasn’t aware that they all had jobs to do at the wedding and wouldn’t be able to sit!  Photographers, servers, a DJ and an emcee.  There I sat, already feeling ostracized, with a glaringly obvious reminder that I was alone – 7 empty chairs.  After about 15 minutes seething with white hot inner rage and fighting off tears, the one stranger at my table arrived and he didn’t have a role besides bridesmaid’s boyfriend, so the 2 of us sat while our table mates popped in and out, up and down.

The evening turned out to be fine, but it is etched into my brain.  The only one who’s single.  I swear it could’ve been scripted for a movie.  Single girl, upset about being single, goes to a wedding alone, gets bumped from her table because she’s alone and winds up at a table, sitting alone.  Of course, in the movie version, I would’ve had a meet-cute with the man of my dreams and lived happily ever after.  Instead I did wedding themed mad libs with a bridesmaid’s boyfriend.

meet-cute (noun)

(in a film or television show) An amusing or charming first encounter between two characters that leads to the development of a romantic relationship between them.

White Flag

I was texting with an old old friend recently and she asked “so, still happily single?”.  I snickered to myself and replied “more like, kind of accepted it”.  Acceptance is a weird place to be as someone who’s wanted to get married for 20+ years, but I think I might’ve actually, maybe, sort of, finally become ok with the potential for #foreveralone.  Wait, let me rephrase that.  I’ve had to become ok with it.  I’ve cried enough.  There’s really no point wasting any more time wanting something that I can’t make happen, so I’ve finally thrown my hands up and surrendered.

I like to think that things won’t stay this way forever and I have moments where the reality of that is overwhelming, but spending so much time being single has kind of forced me to shift my focus.  Rather than being on the lookout for a good man only to be disappointed each time I see one who catches my eye and is already taken, I decided to make other goals and while I pursue them, enjoy the days, do fun things and live life with my friends.  Unfortunately, as my plans for life were getting bigger, my social circle kept getting smaller.  My close friends are now all married or starting families.  Some switched churches so I didn’t see them as often, some moved away and some just stopped being my friend altogether.  Life happens, but when your plan is to enjoy life with others and suddenly it feels like you’ve lost all your others, that’s when you have parking lot meltdowns about being alone!

I know I’m not unique to it, but very few people have had the experience of staying single (never married) until they’re 40 and unless you’ve lived it, I don’t think you can truly compute how isolating it can be at times.  I love my friends and they are more important to me than they probably realize, but it’s easy to be unintentionally forgotten about.  Spouses and children and building a life together with someone takes precedence, understandably, but because of the accompanying “busyness” and obligations, many times it seems like if you weren’t the one reaching out, you’d never hear from anyone!  I really felt pushed this year to expand my circle and try to make more friends.

F•R•I•E•N•D•S

Nobody ever really talks about hard it is to make new friends as an adult.  It’s like some secret that we’ve been told to keep, but we’ve ALL been told it, so it’s not really a secret, we just have to act like nobody else knows the truth.  When the topic comes up though, everybody emphatically agrees and has a lot to say.   In my quest to make more friends this year, I learned I wasn’t the only one who had these struggles!

1. Where do you even go to make friends as an adult?!

When you’re young there’s youth group and school or parties and pubs/clubs.  Even after as young as 25 there aren’t many environments created to cultivate friendship.  You can’t just quit your job so that you can go work with new people and hope that they become your friends.  You might have a hobby and the opportunity to meet other like-minded people if you took a class or joined a club, but if these things aren’t options, where do you go?  There’s no speed dating for friends and there might be websites, but that’s a little too weird to me!

2. We’re all uncomfortable and afraid of rejection

Remember when you were a kid and your parents tossed you in a room with some other kid and you immediately started playing together?  It’s not like that anymore!  As you get older, you have a tendency to approach things with more caution.  It’s a side effect of life experience and I think we all wonder if people are going to like us.  I’ve had my fair share of experiences that have caused me to automatically assume people won’t like me because I’m not good enough for them.  Or they’ll only like me until they meet my cooler, funner, more outgoing, more spontaneous friends.  I mean, it’s happened multiple times in the past, who’s to say it wouldn’t happen again, right?  I’ve also met some really bold and confident people who have since told me that they were so nervous to ask me to hang out or have coffee.  I guess technically it’s almost like asking someone on a date – the potential to be rejected, even on a friendship level, is always there!

3. Where do I fit in?

We’re drawn to what we can identify with.  That’s why couples befriend other couples and moms gravitate to other moms, but where do I fit in?  Girls my age have husbands and teenage children.  Girls 10 years younger than me have husbands and young children.  I guess I have the most in common with someone in their 20’s and though I feel young, let’s be honest, my culture references, sayings, jokes and where I’m at in life are not the same.  How much do they want me lingering around (or how much do I want to linger around) before I come off a little too Amy Poehler in Mean Girls?

cool-mom

4. We all get lonely and we all make assumptions

Making assumptions is probably our biggest mistake and I know I’m guilty of it!  Often I won’t bother asking people if they want to do something because I assume that because they have a spouse, they want to spend all of their time with them or because they have kids that they are busy.  Then I found out, these people aren’t asking me if I want to do something because they assume I’m living some wild single life and won’t want to do some boring married person activity or hang out with a kid nearby.  Do I want to go to Gymboree or watch The Wiggles with you, for sure no, but if all you can do in this season of your life is go for a walk with your stroller, I have legs, I can walk!  I’d rather work around a few complications and see my friend than not see them at all.  But instead of making a move, what do either of us do?  We assume the other won’t want to get together for various reasons, don’t bother texting and we stay at home, feeling lonely and rejected because of our own misconceptions!

Just Do It

A man who has friends, must himself be friendly. – Proverbs 18:24 NKJV

We were created to be in relationship and we all desire companionship of some kind.  Friendships are so important!  The married families need to realize that we singles need them, just as much as they need us.  We each bring something unique to the table, but we’ll never learn from one another if we don’t spend time with one another!  So, the next time you draw back thinking that people will be too busy to get together with you, the least you could do is ask.  Or if you’re too nervous to ask someone new to hang out, embrace the awkwardness!  Chances are, they’re just as nervous and awkward as you.  You can meet some awesome people, like me for instance, once you break through that first moment of discomfort!

I expect my calendar to fill up now…just sayin’.