Self Improvement

Let’s Talk About Sex…The Opposite Sex

/ Roxie / Leave a comment

Here’s the situation: I believe there is an identity crisis happening with men in our country and I think women might be responsible for it.  (Oh snap, I’m going there!)

I’ve been told before that I am an enigma, which might be true because at times, I even puzzle myself.  I am extremely private and only share what I want, when I want and with whom I want.  At the same time though, I am an open book!  If you ask me anything, as long as I know you’re not just trying to start a debate, I have no problem answering you truthfully and vulnerably.

Even more puzzling, I desire to be known, yet one of my pet peeves is when people who don’t really know me, think they do.  Ya’ll don’t know me!  For whatever reason, it gets my back up when (certain) people misinterpret my openness and think they know me well enough to tell me how I feel, speak on my behalf or talk about “us”, like we have so much in common when technically they only know a fraction of who I am.  (I realize it’s odd and probably stems from a deeper issue, but that’s not what we’re talking about today!)

It’s hard to come up with a good example but perhaps something like meeting someone at Starbucks and ordering a Caramel Macchiato and then the next time we meet they say something like “I know how you love Caramel Macchiato’s”.  Like, it was one time.  Or when another single girl says something like “I don’t understand why girls like us can’t find a man”.  Girls like us?  You might be correct that I can’t find a man, but you don’t take the time to do your hair or make up and you dress like a 65 year old elementary teacher with your embroidered sweater vests.  Do not put me on the same playing field as you!

how-dare-you

This is a whole lot of set up to tell you that when other women – bitter, single, divorced or unhappily married – find out I am old and still single, they often assume that like them, I am a man hater.  They want to bring me into their fold and expect me to feel the same level of disgust towards men as they do.  Have I been a man hater in the past?  After heartbreak, absolutely!  However, it may surprise you, I am actually a very large supporter of men!

If You Can’t Be An Athlete, Be An Athletic Supporter

I have a long history of dating jerks.  I was forever attracted to bad boys and used to joke if a guy looked like he’d treat me badly, sign me up!  Being older now and years of self reflection later, I realize it was my own insecurity that made me want these causeless rebels.  I always felt uncool, but if I dated a bad boy, it would prove that I was cool, in some weird, totally untrue way.

One night I had a date with a nice guy.  At the time he only owned a crotch rocket (or “sport bike”), so I drove us to our movie.  On the walk back to my car afterwards, he came to the driver’s side and tried to open the door for me.  I gave him a look and asked him what he was doing.  His reply?  “I guess chivalry is dead here.”  Granted, I was a little confused by him trying to open my car door and wondered if he forgot that I drove, but how many times have we as women said to a man trying to do something nice, “I got this”.  I do it all the time at work; someone offers to change the water cooler bottle and I say “I work out, I can lift the bottle myself thanks.”  It’s not necessarily that a man is trying to show me how weak I am, maybe they’re just trying to be nice?

Miss Independent

The other week I rolled up to my mom’s house and noticed she had a flat tire.  I went inside, told her she had a flat and since it’s just the 2 of us now, neither of us really knew what to do.  I don’t know how to change a tire, she didn’t even know where the spare was in her minivan and it was too flat to crawl to the closest gas station for air.  I told her she should call her friend and find out if her friends husband had a portable air compressor.  An old coworker of mine had one and it was so handy!  You just plug it into your lighter, fill your tire and then hopefully make it to a service station for a repair.  She called and he did!  Crisis (and tow) averted!

Right before I left her house she said to me “oh, I bought this funny mug from the thrift store I thought you might want”.  She showed me the mug and we both realized the irony of it!

man-mug

Burn Your Bra

If a feminist is just someone who wants equal rights for women, then yes, I can get behind that.  I believe women can do the same jobs as men and should be paid the same for them.  However, I think there’s an extreme side to feminism right now that I do not agree with and that is, women trying to prove that we are equal.  We’re not and I don’t think we ever will be, because we were created different, on purpose!  Besides our XX/XY chromosomes and male/female parts, men and women naturally have different strengths and different interests, but we keep trying to blur the lines.

Mars vs. Venus

What defines a man as being a man?  When I think about it, I admit, I think of the stereotypical masculine things like watching sports, eating meat, wanting to hunt, knowing how to fix things and being the head of the household (as controversial as that is!).  I also don’t think any of these things are inherently bad, but in 2019, it seems like being a stereotypical male is the worst thing a man can do.  Too many women are looking for men to be their shopping buddies or their craft partners.  They don’t just want a man to watch a rom-com with them, they want the man to want to watch the rom-com.  We are trying to feminize men so much, it’s almost as if we’re trying to eradicate masculinity altogether, but we actually need it!

Now, don’t get it twisted – toxic masculinity is a problem.  Believing that you can’t show emotion because ‘real men’ don’t cry is toxic.  Excusing poor behavior with reasoning like “boys will be boys” or “I’m a man, I have needs” is absolute garbage.  However, I don’t think we need to vilify men or natural (healthy) masculine tendencies.

Did you know it’s in a man’s very nature to want to provide and when he can’t, he feels like a failure as a man?  I think that most women (admit it or not) want to feel safe and protected and have a man who can take care of us.  Oh, but don’t take care of us too much, because we can take care of ourselves you know!  Chivalry is dying, if not already dead and it’s women who have killed it, yet what do women seem to want most in a man?  Kindness!  The definition of chivalry is courteous behavior; especially that of man toward woman.  Sounds a bit like kindness to me, no?  But we’re making it increasingly difficult for men to be kind.

Lose-Lose

Women get together with their friends and talk about how men suck, complain that there are no good ones left, all the while chirping “we don’t need no man”.  *insert z-snap here*  Sitcoms portray men as useless boobs.  Society tells them that who they are and what they are is bad.  They’ve become afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing for fear that it gets taken the wrong way, they hardly pay a woman a simple compliment anymore.

It’s really no wonder chivalry has died or why it seems like there is an epidemic of passive men.  These are the men who ask you if you want to “hang” rather than asking you if you want to go on a date and calling it a date!  Or the men who have no plan when they actually get that date… “I dunno, where do you want to go?”.  If a man is too bold and takes charge, he might come off as a misogynist or sexist or a chauvinist.  So instead he takes no action and we view him as being lazy, passionless and apathetic, forcing women to feel like they need to wear the proverbial pants, further stressing the male identity crisis.  I can see how it feels like a lose-lose, but let me tell you men – be bold!  Just don’t be a jerk!  (I should warn you though – just because you’ve decided to be bold, doesn’t mean you’ll get that date.)

Put Your Bra Back On

Have you heard any of the stats on children who grow up in fatherless homes?  63% of youth suicides, 85% of children with behavioral problems, 75% of adolescents with drug abuse problems, 60% of rapists, 85% of youths in prison…all because a man was not present.  Lest we forget that these children grow up to be adults who likely perpetuate the cycle they know.  I’m sorry to the extreme feminists and man-hating ladies, but we need men and men matter!  When you belittle men and their role, everything is affected.  Isn’t prevention better than intervention?

So why are we so afraid of encouraging men to be men?  Masculinity can be developed in a healthy way, without becoming toxic.  Supporting men doesn’t make women the weaker sex or deserving of less.  Even if we aren’t technically equal, we are of equal value!  We need to stop believing that if we raise men up, we lower ourselves.  When you encourage men to be what they were created to be – providers, protectors – women actually benefit too, as do children who grow up to have children of their own.

We need to be ok with men being men and we need men to not feel guilty for being men.  Can we learn to respect our differences?  Can we cheer men on in their strengths and actually allow them the opportunity to be a provider?  How about we all just support each other a little bit better, doing ourselves and future generations a favor!

If you need me, I’ll be hanging out by a door waiting for a man to open it for me.

Disclaimer:  This is a touchy subject that I know could easily be misunderstood.  I hope you read it open minded and heard the heart behind it.  I realize there are men who don’t want anything to do with their children and men who take advantage of women, abuse women or entire groups who oppress women.  I am NOT excusing this, victim blaming or suggesting women should sit back, shut up and support these types of men.  I just think our pendulum has swung from the extremes of submission to the extremes of defiance and neither creates a well functioning society.  We need to find a balance in between where all parties are whole and healthy!  Amen?

 

The Best is Yet to Come

/ Roxie

Here’s the situation:  “The best is yet to come.”  It’s an adage that gets tossed around all the time, but is the best actually yet to come?

Can you name a movie sequel that was better than the first?  I can only think of one.  Terminator 2.  I might be able to come up with a couple more if I really thought about it, but for the most part, sequels are a let down.  A bad sequel can even cheapen the experience of the first movie.  [And Dear Disney, you need to stop with the straight-to-DVD sequels of some of your best movies.  The Little Mermaid II?  Nobody cares about Ariel’s brunette daughter.]

What about when the series finale of our favorite show sucks?  We all have an opinion of how we want to see it end, but the writer doesn’t often script it our way, leaving us annoyed or disappointed.  I don’t watch Game of Thrones (because I’m a good Christian), but I’ve heard the outrage of fans over the final episode.  And my personal favorite, Dexter, (ok, retract what I said about being a good Christian) had the worst series finale that I’ve seen to date!  A lumberjack?  Really?

The latest trend is to completely remake movies or do TV reboots and as an 80’s/90’s child, I don’t even hate it!  However, there’s no denying they’re not what they once were.  The idea of revisiting the past is comforting, because it’s familiar, but no matter how hard you try, it will never be the same.

Carpe Diem

I have a horrible habit of not living in the moment.  I’ve mentioned before how I like to make plans so that I have something to look forward to in the future while I survive the every day.  Sometimes when I’m in the middle of the very thing I looked forward to, my mind wanders and I’m already thinking about the next thing.  Like, slow your roll Rox – savor this!  Then when the plans have passed, my nostalgic self looks back and wishes she could relive my favorite moments.

The wild nights out in my 20’s.  Traveling with my cousin.  Silly adventures with friends or apartment dance parties.  Even the things that might seem lame to some but meant so much to me.  I want to be able to have those moments again!  I don’t know what the future holds, so what if those were my highlights and nothing ever lives up to them?  I can try to recreate the magic and sometimes I get close, but one thing’s for sure; you can never truly go back.

You’ll Rue the Day!

Have you ever had to make a decision that stressed you out for days or weeks?  Maybe even months.  Then after you finally, definitively, made a choice, you still questioned whether you made the right one or not?  No matter if it was something good or bad that brought you to that place of decision, you obviously had a reason to choose what you did.

It’s interesting how we second guess ourselves or have a selective memory the moment things get uncomfortable.  Ever broke up with someone or been dumped, knowing that it was for the best, but as soon as you felt lonely, you wished you were back together?  Before the break up all you could see was the bad, but suddenly all you can remember is the good.  Sometimes you even get back together and what usually happens?  It doesn’t take long before you remember WHY you broke up in the first place!  (Guilty! On more than one occasion.)

You might’ve even noticed that doing the right thing (the wise thing) doesn’t always yield the right results.  When I decided to go back to church and get my life together at 25, I didn’t realize how depressed I’d feel for months and how much the years before had imprinted on my life and would affect me to this day.  When I broke up with my fiancé, knowing there had to be someone better out there for me, I figured I’d find that person within the next 5 years, at max.  That was plenty of time!  I didn’t realize I’d remain unmarried for what is going on 12 years now.  (He was not a good person guys, I wasn’t doing the very thing I rant about in my blog Triggered, which you can read by clicking on!)  When I invested into my education to switch careers, I never thought it would involve a massive pay cut and that I’d only do that career for a few months before going back to what actually paid the bills.  I had done all the right things, but everything seemed to be turning out wrong.  In those moments, it’s easy to get caught up wondering how things would be different if only I’d __________________.

No Ragrets

no-ragretsGetting a perm in the 80’s.  Living outside of my means.  Entering into relationships that I knew were dead ends from the start.  There are plenty of things I wish I HADN’T done, but I have few actual regrets.  Of course, there are a couple of big ones, but I try not to let my past mistakes plague me into the future.  Some people gotta learn the hard way, I guess I’m the kind of girl that has to find out for myself.  Queue DC Talk.  Besides, my own stupidity is what great stories are made of and has taught me many a valuable lesson!

Cool Guys Don’t Look at Explosions

When we start to long for the good ol’ days, panic in the wake of any decision “what have I done?” or feel like there’s a void in our life from something we had and left behind, we do have the option to (try and) go back to what was.  Unfortunately, what you moved on from, also continued to move.  What was familiar and comfortable then, wouldn’t be the same anymore.  Much like those sequels or TV reboots, it can never be what it once was and I think that’s the point – things will never be as good as they were for the sole purpose of keeping our focus on what’s ahead, rather than what’s behind.  So, is the best actually yet to come?  It just might have to be, because there’s really no other option!

Don’t look back.  You’re not going that way.

Me Time

/ Roxie / 3 Comments

Here’s the situation: I’ve decided I’m going to be more selfish, and coming from an only child, that really says something!

Now that I’ve turned the magical age of forever 29, I think I might actually be going through a midlife crisis.  It’s an interesting thing to now be making my descent on the proverbial hill.  Let me quickly sum up the aging process for you (thus far at least).  You’re a child and you can’t wait to grow up.  You’re a teen, but you can’t wait to be eighteen.  You’re young.  You’re young.  Life is a party and you have no cares in the world!  You’re a little older, but still too young to be thinking about things like mortgages and retirement.  Uh oh.  You’ve started to realize how much older you are and wish you’d gotten your act together a little sooner.  ∗boom∗  You’re old.  Now that you’ve entered the last half of your life, you really start to think about what you’ve done, what you haven’t done and how much, or how little, time you have left.

What’s New?

I hate running into people I haven’t seen in a while.  They always want to know what’s new.  I mean, I ask that question too, but generally people have a much different answer than mine.  New careers, new homes, spouses, babies.  Their lives change drastically in as short as a year, but you could ask me what’s new and I could give you the exact same answer today as I did 19 years ago!

2000:  “Oh, I live in (insert my neighborhood), I work for (insert my company name) and I’m single, never married, no kids.”

2019:  “Oh, I live in (insert my neighborhood), I work for (insert my company name) and I’m single, never married, no kids.”

Depending when you ran into me in this 19 year span though, you might’ve got a different answer.  I’ve lived in different communities, I quit my job to move to a new city and go back to school.  I got engaged, bought a condo with my fiancé, broke up with my fiancé, moved back to my original city, went back to school, got my old job back, traveled a bunch and ended up buying a condo in my childhood neighborhood, not because I wanted to, but because it’s where I could afford.

Outside of owning my own home, I feel like I’m living the same life again.  It just makes me wonder – what did I do, or not do, to get me (back) here?  My life isn’t bad, but my life is stuck and I want to be able to place blame on something specific as the reason.

I Aim to Please

I’ve never thought I was a people pleaser.  I can say no, even though it might disappoint you.  I don’t agree with people, just so that they like me.  Then I read this little article – 10 Signs You’re a People Pleaser.  There were 8 signs I disagreed with, but curse those 2 that I didn’t!  I wouldn’t say that I’m 100% either one, but I certainly have tendencies towards them.  I suppose I’ve always viewed them as ‘peace keeping’, rather than ‘people pleasing’, making them seem less dysfunctional to me.

1. You feel burdened by the things you have to do

  • You’re in charge of how you spend your time, but there’s a good chance your schedule is filled with activities that other people want you to do.

Ok, I’m actually quite selfish with my time.  I’ve learned I can’t handle too many activities, too many days in a row.  I get burnt out, I get sick and I need time alone to recharge.  Yup, I’m one of those people.  Or if I put too much focus in one area of my life, another one starts to fall apart and then I get cranky.  That’s why I really try to balance out ‘adulting’ and chores and entertainment and activities and commitments.  In spite of this legitimate need for balance for my own health (and let’s face it, the health of the people around me!), I still do things and attend things that I have little desire to do because I know it will make other people happy.  And not in that nice compromising, give and take kind of way, but in that, this is a burden to me and I’m feeling slightly resentful, but I don’t want to disappoint or let anyone down, kind of way.

2. You act like the people around you

  • It’s normal for other people to bring out different sides of your personality, but people pleasers often sabotage their goals.  People pleasers engage in self-destructive behavior if they think it will help others feel more comfortable. 

The example this article gave is that people pleasers will eat more when they think it will make other people happy.  I had to laugh.  I worked with an older man for many years.  He never married and never had kids.  He lived simply and didn’t have many expenses, so he would spend money on my coworkers and I.  He referred to us as his work wives and would buy us lunches or keep our desk drawers stocked with chocolate.  As lovely as it was and as much as I have a sweet tooth, I realized that many times I was eating out of guilt!  Guilt that the money he spent would go to waste.  He knew I was trying to be healthy and avoid sugar, so if he wanted to waste his money, that was his problem, not mine, right?  Why was I eating and hating my thighs, for his wallet’s sake?

What else was I doing in my life for other people and not for myself?

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

There are really only two ways to make a change.  Either you decide to make one, or someone else decides to make one, which changes things for you without your consent.  The majority of changes in my life were due to the latter or circumstances outside of my control.

The only reason I switched schools after junior high was because the one I went to didn’t go past grade 9.  The only reason I left my first three jobs was because the first one went out of business, the second one the owner sold and the new owner laid me off to bring in their personnel and the third one?  At a Christmas party two weeks after I started, the lady I was replacing got drunk and emotional and decided she wanted to stay and they could only keep one of us!  I only went to school for Business Admin because someone offered to pay for it and I’ve only ever broke up with a few guys because it’s almost always been the guys who did the dumping.  (Actually, the ghosting.)

I’m a settler (a whole other blog for a different day), so for me, a forceful push has been necessary.  If Kmart hadn’t gone out of business, I might still be there!  I can count on one hand the number of changes that were my decision.  I can count on two fingers actually.  It’s two.  I’ve only made two truly life altering decisions.

The Best Friend

I think I’ve actually held myself back in life for the sake of others.  Compound my fear of change with the little bit of people pleaser in me and you get a girl who’s made a lot of decisions with other people’s feelings in mind, rather than my own.  I never wanted to rock the boat.  (See, it is peace keeping in a way!)  Some seasons of my life were going well and yet I felt a pull to make a change, but I didn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable in the process or be the catalyst that would affect everything around me.  You know, like how when one person decides to diet, everyone suffers.  Similar concept.  So instead I took a backseat to my own life thinking there’d be other passengers riding comfortably with me, only I ended up alone, watching everyone else in the driver’s seat of their lives, passing me by.  I have my license, why aren’t I driving?

leading-lady

Sorry, Not Sorry

The midlife crisis I might be having could be just the forceful push I need this year.  In the words of Andy Dufresne: it comes down to a simple choice – get busy living or get busy dying.  There are times in life when we need to dig our heels in and stick things out, but there are times when we are so stuck that we need to swap out the heels for a pair of sneakers and get moving!  (Also, is the saying referring to heels – anatomy or heels – clothing?  Whatever, I went with clothing and it’s too late now.)

I’m technically half dead, or if you’re an optimist, I suppose I’m half alive!  Either way, there’s no more time to waste.  If I want to have a different response to “what’s new?” in another 19 years, then I need to be a little more selfish!  Trying not to hurt people has been hurting me, so in true Canadian fashion, let me apologize.  I’m sorry that I might have to consider my own feelings herein.  I’m sorry that I might disappoint you or make you uncomfortable and I’m sorry that my changes might affect your life, eh.

You Shut Your Dirty Mouth

/ Roxie / 2 Comments

Here’s the situation: The truth might set you free, but being truthful has gotten out of control

(I think) I’m a pretty laid back person, but one thing I’ve learned about myself is that really minor things irritate me and can get me hopping mad in an instant.  I’m not going to yell, get physical or make a scene, but I will inwardly seethe.  And as instantly as I get mad, I get over it just as quick.  Well, maybe give me 10 minutes, but then I’ve moved on.

I usually get mad over really stupid things too; inefficiency, inconvenience, being let down by someone or mindless mistakes I’ve made, like misplacing something that I know I had the day before.  Some days I can be a little more irritable than others (shocking, right?!) and on those days, things that the average person is oblivious to, really grate on my nerves.  My laser focus can amplify irritants to the point that white hot rage takes over as I start to form irrational thoughts about what I would like to do in that instant!  This got me to thinking – what would I be like if I moved on every impulse and my actions had no consequences?

My Dark Passenger

Ever heard of misophonia?

Misophonia – a disorder in which certain sounds trigger emotional or physiological responses that some might perceive as unreasonable given the circumstance.  Individuals with misophonia often report they are triggered by oral sounds – the noise someone makes when they eat, breathe or even chew.  Other adverse sounds include keyboard or finger tapping.  Sometimes a small repetitive motion is the cause – someone fidgets, jostles you or wiggles their foot.  A mild case might make you feel anxious, uncomfortable, the need to flee or disgust.  A more severe response is rage, anger, hatred, panic, fear and emotional distress.

Yeah. ↑ That.

When people continuously sniffle without ever blowing their nose.  When people’s noses whistle.  When people chew and you can hear the food mixing with their saliva and sloshing around in their mouth or when they audibly gulp when taking a drink.  People who constantly clear their throats, tap their feet, shake their legs.  Oh what sweet bliss it would be if I could grab them, shake them and yell at them to stop or to go blow their freaking nose!

aunt-irma

I may or may not have a touch of road rage too, so sometimes I fantasize about ramming into the back of someone’s car or approaching a bad driver at a red light and giving them a piece of my mind!  I would feel so vindicated!  Momentarily at least.  Until I realized how childish that outburst was.

I know, my thoughts aren’t healthy and thankfully I’m mature enough to check myself before I wreck myself, but can you imagine if everyone just said everything that came to mind and acted on every emotional whim?  Our world would be a hot mess!  …oh wait…

Look at This Photograph

I love Instagram.  Of all the socials, it’s the one I enjoy the most.  Back in the day, before phones had cameras and before cameras were digital, there was the camera with 35mm film.  A roll of film gave you 24 opportunities to capture 24 moments and you had no idea if they were going to be good or not.  It was a real gamble my friends!  If you were lucky to have a pricier camera, it would automatically rewind the film when it ran out!  Then you had to drive that film to a store and wait to have it developed.  An hour or so later when you had your printed photos in hand, you had to put them somewhere, so you bought photo albums to store them in.  I have hundreds of photos and dozens of photo albums.  They are inconvenient, cumbersome and take up a lot of room, but they are so much fun to look through!  It’s no wonder I love an app that is like a digital photo album!

Like those printed albums, I love to go back and look through my Instagram grid to reminisce.  So many fun memories.  I like to scroll through the feed and see your photos too and sometimes I watch stories but rarely, if ever, will you find me commenting on someone’s photo that I don’t know; like a celebrity for instance.  (Or a “celebrity”.  You know, the verified people but you still have no clue who they are).  It surprises me how many people do comment though.  Social media has made everyone so accessible that we feel one of two ways about strangers.  Either we think they’re our friends because we know so much about their lives, or we think we’re so far removed that we can say what we want and it won’t matter.  Sometimes I read the hateful comments people post and think – who says this?  But like actually, WHO. SAYS. THIS?!  Back in my day, a troll was an ugly man who lived under a bridge.  Today’s definition is someone who deliberately makes a comment to evoke a reaction.  Do people really have nothing better to do with their time than be a troll?  You need a hobby!

Honesty Ain’t All It’s Cracked Up to Be

Have you ever had someone be so honest with you that you thought – well, that was rude!  My weight usually fluctuates every couple years and I’ve run into some very honest people who’ve straight up told me on first sight “well, you’ve gained weight”.  I’m single and I’ve been told to “get on it” because I’m “getting on in the years”.  I’ve had boyfriends who felt the need to point out a day when my mascara was chunky or ask me why I don’t dress or act more like [that girl].  Honesty is not always the best policy!  You don’t need to voice your opinion all the time, unless you’ve specifically been asked for it!

I’ve heard it said before “I just have to say”, followed up with something that was actually completely unnecessary to say.  You don’t “just have to say” anything!  You might feel you need to get it off your chest to make yourself feel better, but is what you’re about to say going to be helpful or hurtful to the person hearing it?  Forcing your words on someone is like pulling the pin of a grenade and tossing it in their lap.  What are they supposed to do with this unsolicited information?  Do you care enough to stick around and help clean up the mess or are you going to run before the bomb explodes because it’s not your problem anymore?

The Truth, the Truth, the Truth is on Fiyah

pineapple

Follow your bliss.  Not all those who wander are lost.  Live, laugh, love.  *barf*  I hate these trendy sayings and my least favorite thing to hear right now would have to be “live your truth”.  Errybody out here tryna live their truth!  What is your “truth” exactly?  Is it the stripped down, truest form of yourself?  Because my “truth” is that I’m over-observant and judgy.  If unleashed, I have a sharp tongue that could cut deep and this sweet little brain has the capacity to form some pretty awful thoughts.  I understand the saying in a sense of being an individual and not being fake to impress others, but I feel like it’s been misconstrued.  Are we actually just excusing poor behavior as “living your truth”?  It’s part of the entitlement mindset that we all have (let’s quit blaming it all on the millennials).  We don’t want to change.  If we’re a lot to handle, we think everyone else needs to deal with it, rather than taking a look inside and dealing with ourselves.  After all, we can’t help how we are, we were “born this way”, right?  It’s time to grow up!

Do you remember the saying if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all?  Why don’t we follow that anymore?  Our words matter.  The bible says that the power of life and death are in the tongue and that the only words that come out of our mouths should be helpful for building each other up.  If you don’t want to be all Christiany about it, think about the last time someone complimented you.  Did that make your spirit come alive or did you leave feeling depressed?

If you don’t have something nice to say, then literally don’t say anything!  Bite your tongue.  Take a second and think before you speak or type or text.  And if you have time to type or text, you have even longer to think about it before you press send.  Maybe just hit that backspace key a few times.  Be kind!

Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. – James 1:19

Aw snap.  Convicted!

The Pursuit of Perfection

/ Roxie / 3 Comments

Here’s the situation:  I cried at the orthodontist office once.  In front of him, the hygienists and the surrounding 12 year olds, all because my smile was not exactly how I would like it.  Oh yeah, this was like a month ago…

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Inner Beauty, Schminner Beauty

I was a late bloomer.  I’m talking, late.  My awkward stage started around 4 years old and lasted well until I was 23.  As a kid, we didn’t have a lot of money and my mom was crafty, so for years I wore homemade clothes, usually from fabrics found in the bargain bin (which are the ugliest fabrics they make!).  I needed glasses starting in grade 2 and my mom doesn’t wear make up, so that was something I had to teach myself through trial and error, because there were no YouTube how-to videos when I was a teen – there was no internet!  Boys were not interested in me in junior high or high school; they always wanted one of my pretty friends and I didn’t have my first kiss until I was 19 or my first official DTR boyfriend until I think, 23.

Through those awkward years I absorbed a lot of subconscious messages.  The main one: the most important thing to guys is physical beauty.  Some of the messages were less subconscious and more verbal.  I had a crush on a guy and his best friend politely told me “I don’t think you have a chance, you’re not really his type.”, which we all know actually means, he’s not attracted to you.  Another crush’s friend told me how the guy wouldn’t date me because “he only dates models.”

I was adamant for many years that “I shouldn’t need to conform to society’s standard of beauty and have long hair and contacts in order to be attractive“, but when I finally came out on the other side of the awkward stage and began attracting men, it was because I grew long hair and got contacts.  Thus, confirming the message that physical beauty was the most important thing.  Since my first taste of finally feeling/being attractive, I swore I would never go back and so began the quest to perfect myself.

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Ages 17, 19, 21 & 24

You’re Not Ugly, Just Poor

You can change pretty much anything about yourself for the right amount of money and my motto is: if I can afford it, I’m doing it!  And I have.  It started with growing my hair and getting contacts and has been simple things like working out, being blonde, changing my make up, updating my wardrobe.  Then it evolved.  I had electrolysis to get rid of unwanted hair and microblading to give me wanted “hair” (what we women won’t do!).  I got Invisalign a few years ago and did an additional 6 months of refinement trays last fall to try and get one tooth straighter.  ONE TOOTH!  In turn, it shifted my bite and in a few weeks I start another month+ of refinements to adjust that!  I looked into laser eye surgery, which I’m not a candidate for unless I decide to go with an implantable contact lens and I even looked into rhinoplasty, but I can’t afford it…and if you’ve ever watched a surgery, it’s hor·ri·fy·ing!

Eyes on the “Prize”

An ex and I used to debate whether I would get done up for myself or to impress others.  Here’s what you should know about me.  I am not a natural beauty and I can only handle seeing my bare-faced reflection in the mirror for so long.  24 hours is plenty.  Even if I have no reason to put make up on for a few days and I won’t be seeing anyone, around day 2, it’s going on, just so that I can feel attractive!

I’ve been reading a book my friend lent me and timely enough, the other night I came across a chapter about perfection and who we do it for.

It is deeply baked within our feminine history to be favored, as a woman, based on our look, status or dowry.  Back in the day, if you were the more beautiful woman, you got the man.  If your family had the riches, you got the man.  If your family was in a higher echelon, you got the man.  And the man was the prize; he provided for you, gave you children and made you “worthy”.

– Cara Alwill Leyba, Like She Owns the Place

I always want to look my best and when I look my best, I feel my best and when I feel my best, I’m my most confident self, so I will continue to defend that I get done up for myself.  However…there’s also no denying an underlying incentive!

Hey There Delilah

I’d never considered just how deep the roots of those messages about physical beauty went until I found myself crying at the orthodontist over already perfect teeth.  Then this week, I had to cut my hair.  In all my years of bleached hair and hot irons, I’ve never experienced a “breakage cut” like the one I arrived to my stylist with.  I knew I was going to have to cut off some decent length in order to make it even and it was a pretty big deal to me.

I’ve often joked that my hair is my only redeeming quality and while I know that’s not true, I feel like Samson; it gives me strength.  It is my identity.  I’m the girl with the long hair or the friend with the great hair.  I’ve even been told by strangers that I’m #hairgoals.  My hair gives me a little something to set me apart and it’s usually the first thing to turn a man’s head.  I’ve actually never thought it was anything more than just my hair that’s attracted men, so I’ve always feared if I cut it, I will just be an average, overlooked girl.  For me, cutting my hair symbolizes giving up.  Letting myself go.  Succumbing to being a spinster.  Even worse, what if this breakage turns out to be age or hormones and I can’t grow it back anymore like I once could and I have to keep cutting it shorter and shorter and then I look like 19 year old me again?  Gross!  Where will my strength come from then?!

Welcome to the irrational panic of someone in pursuit of perfection.

Outer Beauty, Schmouter Beauty?

I now fully understand these women who get too much plastic surgery and end up looking like a cat.  I’m sure that was never their original intention.  They probably started out just like me; wanting to improve themselves, little by little.  Then one day, it was one procedure too far.  We can try all we want to perfect our flaws and even though the outside might be disguised, it’s obviously something much deeper and internal that needs the work.  It’s a heart issue.  So where you do draw the line and decide to be content?  How do you go from feeling like maybe just one more tweak will help you achieve whatever your “prize” is, to loving yourself, just as you are?

“You can lift your eyelids, but it can’t lift that little cloud of pessimism that hovers over you.”

– Dr. Frasier Crane, Frasier, S1E18

I don’t think the drive to want to improve ourselves is entirely bad.  When focused correctly, it’s that drive that helps us set (and keep) goals and encourages us to make changes that benefit the health of our lives; emotionally, financially, spiritually, etc.  So maybe the next time we (or maybe it’s just me?) get lost in the downward spiral of perfection, we should consider that we are our own prize and the next tweak we might need to make is a heart transplant.  If that’s not enough to convince you, then you can always tell yourself 3 little words from the same book I mentioned before: “Perfection is Bull****.”