Singleness

The One Without a Title

/ Roxie / 2 Comments

Here’s the situation: A lot of things had me ‘in my feelings’ these last 2 months and questioning God’s plan, but what else is new, right?  I started writing to process and just kept writing and well, this is it.  No title, no theme wrapped up with a bow.  It just is what it is, kinda like how I feel about life right now – it is what it is!

Back in September, I did something very unlike me and I joined a book club.  I was invited by a girl from church and even though I’m not a huge reader, I figured it was a good opportunity to meet and make new friends!  The book: Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge.  The plan: read 1 chapter a week and meet weekly to discuss.

One of the evenings a girl in the group asked if we could think of any times in our lives when we were mad at God for doing something we didn’t like or thought was a bad thing, but now we can see He did it for our good (Romans 8:28).  That was a pretty easy yes.  I can think of countless times I’ve been mad at God for what He was doing, because it seems like all He ever does is take things away from me!  Of course, with a little bit of time under my belt, I can usually see what he was saving me FROM, but the more I thought about that question and the things that I’m still waiting for 20/20 hindsight on, the more I started to wonder – but what exactly was He saving me FOR?!

Set Apart.  For This?

For me, there’s no denying it was God who saved me from multiple relationships that I wanted to settle on, but…for what?!  It’s not like He brought me out of them to bring me into something amazing, because He’s had years to do so, but I’m still single.  And almost every one of the friends I feel like HE specifically placed in my life during this “season” so that I wouldn’t feel so alone, HE then opened up doors for and gave opportunities to, which in turn took them out of my life a short time later!  If He knew He was just going to have them pass through my life, why did He bother bringing them into my life?  I sure didn’t need to get close to another person who was only going to leave.  Spare me the time and the heartache!

It’s that piece of my heart…  The piece that longs for companionship, be it a relationship or even just a friendship…  That desire that is supposedly a God-given desire…  It’s that piece that can’t seem to understand what God is up to.  He knows how I feel – why would He bring me here and then just leave me here all alone?

The (Claw) Game of Life

When I think about this in my life, I picture it like one of those claw machines you’d find at an arcade or a Chuck E. Cheese and we are all the toys inside.  The few times I’ve made some life-changing decisions, it was the claw (God) picking me up and dropping me in another spot in the machine.  Or, if there were times when the claw couldn’t grab ahold of me (because sometimes I’m stubborn and don’t want to budge, eg. a relationship He knew was headed nowhere), He would pick up the other toy and move them to a different corner instead.  But more often than not, it’s the claw coming to get one of my good toy-friends and carrying them all the way to the prize chute.  (The prize chute being where they get what they’ve been praying for or hoping for or secretly wishing for all along.)  With their spot in the machine now empty, other toys naturally tumble in to fill it’s place and just as I start to get comfortable with the new toys, here comes the claw again to take another one away…

This Ain’t No Kirk Cameron Movie

Left behind.  That’s how it feels anyway – every time a friend gets married, moves away, has a baby.  All of these things are exciting and I am happy for them, but for me?  Every step forward they take is a reminder of where I’m not (and not even close to being), and it’s a step further away from me.  I’m aware of how immature and selfish that sounds and I know that my friendships won’t end because of these things, but they also won’t ever be the same.  Distance changes dynamics.  Spouses change priorities.  Children change everything.  And that’s fine, that’s life.  That’s what’s supposed to happen.  You’re supposed to grow up!  Leave and cleave.  Heck, if their opportunities had been my opportunities…?  Pssh, later b****es!  So who can blame them?  I would never expect a friend to stay where they’re at on my behalf.  That would be immature and selfish and I sure wouldn’t do it for them!  Unfortunately, their changes have become increasingly more difficult for me the last couple of years, because their changes are now affecting my plans for the future (unbeknownst to them)!

Morgan – You’ve changed.  You always promised me you’d never be one of those girls who ditches their best friend the minute they get a boyfriend.

Mindy – I would never promise that.  All I’ve wanted in my life is to abandon all my friends for a boyfriend.

– Mindy Kaling & Ike Barinholtz, The Mindy Project, S3E4 (I Slipped)

The Back-up Plan

My life feels stuck.  What’s even more annoying is I’m pretty sure it’s no fault of my own either.  I haven’t rejected opportunities or prioritized a career above all else.  I didn’t put off getting married or having a family because I wanted to travel while I was young or save money first.  I’ve been here.  I’ve been ready.  I’ve been trying to make it happen, but no matter what I do, this seems to be where the Lord keeps me and I don’t get it.  Not sure I ever will either, but rather than try to understand anymore, I’ve just been trying to make the best out of life.  Making the best of it however, has been very dependent on my friends and my friends’ lives not changing.  I hate to say it, but my friends, in a way, have become the back-up plan to the things I really want.

Now, DON’T misunderstand me – I love my friends!!  I love spending time with them and even if I were in a relationship, I already know there are things that I’d prefer to do with friends!  Friends are so important!  What I mean, is that there are things that I want that at this point, don’t look like they are ever going to happen, so I’ve had to let go of them and find contentment in the next best thing.

Next Best Thing #1

I want to travel!  I should probably preface this by telling you that I don’t want to travel alone.  Sorry, but the fun for me is exploring with a friend, not going by myself, so for the time being, that’s not an option.

There are trips that are easy to take with friends, but then there are trips that would be better taken with a significant other.  For instance, I’ve always wanted to stay in a glass bottom bungalow in Tahiti for my honeymoon.  Not exactly a vacation that you take with a friend!  I’d also like to get to Europe at some point and if I’m headed all the way in that direction, I’d like to take a few weeks or a month and explore all the places, instead of spending a week in 1 destination and hoping to make it back another time.  It’s easy for my friend’s husbands to say “sure, take a girls trip to Vegas for a few days”, but it’s a far cry for any of them to be able to take a month and a chunk of their savings to go somewhere they’d probably like to explore as a couple!  (Also, I’m not sure I’d want to spend a month with just a friend.)

Sans significant other, I certainly won’t be going to Tahiti and my European vacation doesn’t look very promising either.  It’s disappointing, but the next best thing is that one of my best friends is my cousin and she’s always up for travel!  Plus, her husband wants to travel too and doesn’t seem to mind me being around.  We never really discussed it, but it didn’t seem like they were planning to have kids, so I took solace in the fact that I would likely always have them as travel partners and I already knew they wanted to go back to England, so I could at least get there!  It was also comforting knowing that when I’m 80 and probably still single without children, they’d be 80 without children too, so while everyone else had kids and grandkids to spend time with or to take care of them, we’d have each other in our uncommon life paths.

And then…this spring she announced that she was pregnant.  It’s amazing, but it also totally changed my trajectory.  They were the crux of my singleness survival plan!  They were the 1 thing that didn’t make me fear how my future might end up, but now their lives are forever going to be different from mine!

Next Best Thing #2

I talked about it in All By Myself – I’ve always had a sort of ‘friend spouse’ in my life.  That person I did the boring parts of life with (running errands), as well as the fun.  It’s a lot more rare now, as most everyone is married, but over the years there’s always been at least 1 girl my age, in my stage of life who was up for the same adventures as me!  Or to do things that would be considered a date if you were on them with a man, but since we were both single, why not go on a “date” with each other?  It’s better to be out with a friend than sitting at home alone!  Would I prefer to be doing these things with a man?  Yea, for sure, sometimes!  But, I figured, if I am called to a lifetime of singleness, I’m not going to be thrilled about it, but I should be able to survive it, as long as I have this friend in my life.

This friend though, whoever played the role of it in changing seasons, has always been taken from me!  It’s what I talked about before.  They were brought into my life, but then God relocated them or brought them a spouse or both and with my most recent friend, she got a job transfer that moved her across the country and now there’s literally no one left to fill the role!

Are You There God?  It’s Me, MargaRoxie

So, we’re back at the beginning again; what exactly is He saving me FOR?  I used to believe that what was in store for me must be amazing, that’s why it was taking all that extra time.  Or even that God had to keep emptying the spots I kept trying to fill so that I’d even have space for the someone He was planning to bring along.  After this much time has passed with zero progress though, I’m not convinced of either of those things anymore.  What am I going to do about it?  Nothing.  I’ll still believe in God.  I’ll still have the same desires.  I’ll still get mad at God for taking things away from me and I’ll still keep trying to trust that He is actually doing something.  And, I’ll keep trying to make the best out of life and writing about it until nobody reads this anymore!

jesus_teddy

(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction

/ Roxie / 1 Comment

Here’s the situation: When plans don’t go the way I intended, I’m learning to make the best of them, but even though I can find happiness in the day-to-day and unpredictable moments, overall, I’m just not satisfied!

If I were to ask you what your biggest fears are, would you be able to easily identify them?  Some of the most common ones are the fear of public speaking and the fear of dying.  I am totally in agreement with the public speaking thing – thanks, but no thanks!  And though I’ve never really been afraid of dying, I have feared how I might die.  Alone, in my condo and nobody would notice until my neighbors called the police because of the smell coming from my unit.  That’s when they’d discover my body, half eaten by 42 cats.  Do I own a cat?  No.  Do I plan to own a cat?  Never.  But I feel like they find you at a certain point in your singleness and they’re probably already en route.

Ok, so having a bunch of cats eat my flesh may be a bit of a stretch, but if you were to ask me my biggest fears, for the longest time I would’ve said dying alone.  Or I guess rather, dying having never been married.  Even though the idea of being eternally single can still evoke bouts of panic, it seems to have taken a backseat to what I might actually be afraid of now:

  1. Living an ordinary life.
  2. Never truly being satisfied or content.

Ordinary is in the Eye of the Beholder

chasing-sunriseSo what is an “ordinary life”?  I suppose everyone would have a different idea, but I fear the ordinary in a variety of ways.  I fear there never being anything more to my life than working Monday to Friday, 8 to 5, just to pay bills and afford some things I enjoy.  That doesn’t feel like living life, that feels like surviving life.

Ordinary makes me think of living a ‘small’ life, for lack of a better word.  For example, rarely venturing outside of your community or having a circle of friends that never grows.  Or ‘small’ like you’re so stuck in your little world that you never try anything new and you immediately reject ideas that might take you out of your comfort zone.  Don’t get me wrong – I am not a spontaneous, fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of girl.  I like information, my decisions are usually well thought out and I enjoy a good comfort zone, but I don’t want to get so stuck that I never stretch myself.  There is a world out there and I would like to experience it!

I also fear an ordinary life in that, I might have an unremarkable existence.  You hear people say stuff like “they are the best thing that ever happened to me” or “meeting them changed my life“.  I would like to be that for someone.  I want to make an impact.  I want my life to matter and have meaning, but right now, it kind of feels like it doesn’t.

Survey Says

I texted a few of my friends recently and asked them some seriously loaded questions.  Questions that unintentionally made them worry about my mental health!  Things like:

  • Are you content or satisfied with your life?
  • Do you feel like there’s something that’s missing?  Or something you’re striving for that you think will make you happier?
  • Do you think you’re living out your purpose on earth?

I just wanted to know how people felt about their lives in comparison to me.  Are their jobs fulfilling?  Do they feel like they have purpose?  Or maybe they didn’t feel like they had purpose until they found their spouse or had children?  Is there still something inside of them wanting to get out or goals left to accomplish that they won’t be happy until they achieve?  Mainly, did they truly feel content or satisfied, or I suppose, settled in their lives?  And not that they had settled, but that they were settled; they had a peace about their lives.  Maybe I’m the only one who’s never satisfied with where I’m at?

Striving

That heading about sums it up.  It could be the perfectionist in me or the administrator, or the part of me that hates inefficiency, but I feel like there’s always room for improvement – in myself and in my surroundings.  So that’s what I do; I continuously strive to do better, be better, look better, write better, get fitter, save more, find a more efficient way, etc.

I know the word striving has it’s negative connotations, but I don’t necessarily see striving as a bad thing.  After all, it just means ‘to make great efforts to achieve a goal‘ and there’s nothing wrong with that!  However, I question whether I’m striving because I’m naturally more inclined to due to my personality, or if I’m really just striving to compensate for the areas where I feel that I lack.

The Purposeless Driven Life

When I look around me, I see a bunch of people doing amazing things.  Friends that have always had great aspirations and are actually accomplishing those things.  Lawyers and fashion designers and police officers and business owners.  Creatives and crafters and driven people!  I have a friend who’s a missionary and I have friends who might not think they’re doing anything special, but they are husbands and wives or fathers and mothers and they are cultivating loving homes and raising the next generation.  Their lives all have purpose!  And then I look at my life and wonder what the heck I’m doing here!

Unlike most, I never had great aspirations.  I honestly and naïvely thought I’d get married right out of high school and I guess I assumed that’s all there was to life; graduate and get married.  That was the path everyone I knew had taken, so why would I need other aspirations?  I never even considered things might not work that way for me.  (The fact that no boys were interested in me should’ve tipped me off though!)  I guess the only real plan I had was to go with the flow until I met my husband.

So, with no career goals in mind, I got a job at Kmart after high school and when they went out of business, I worked for my dad.  And when my dad’s boss retired and sold the company to new owners, they laid me off because they wanted to bring in their own staff.  When that happened, the original owner offered to pay for me to go to business school and it didn’t matter if I wanted to or not, my parents told me – you don’t turn down free education!  Nearing that graduation, the school would fax your resume to company’s looking to hire, which is how I got the job I still have to this day, so I didn’t even pick my career, it picked me!  I did take a small hiatus in the middle to pursue a few careers of my choice, but they didn’t pan out as I thought.

A solid 20 years went by before I started to grasp the reality that this marriage thing I was waiting for, legitimately might never happen for me!  If only for the survival of my heart, I decided to let go of that dream as best as I could (but obviously not entirely).  That’s when plan B surfaced.  A plan I am now striving towards.  It’s a new dream and a new goal and if I can achieve it, it might make me feel like I have purpose and validate my worth in all of the areas I feel that I lack.  It would pacify all of my fears of living an ordinary life and never being satisfied!

…but…what if it doesn’t?

Insatiable

What if this dream doesn’t become a reality?  What if I never end up with plans A or B?  Can I be content with neither?  Would I even be content if I had both?  Will I ever feel satisfied or will I always be striving for more?

Everything is wearisome beyond description.  No matter how much we see, we are never satisfied.  No matter how much we hear, we are never content.

– Ecclesiastes 1:8 (NLT)

I’m honestly not sure how to reconcile the possibility that my life may never reflect what I hope for and if that happens, how do you find contentment or satisfaction when you always feel there’s room for improvement?  And if you have to choose to be content, rather than actually being content, are you, in a way, just settling?  Or should we view the stirring in our souls as a nudge to keep striving towards a goal?  Maybe the dissatisfaction means we haven’t arrived yet and we need to keep working?  Maybe there is still more in store?  Who can know?!

Just as you cannot understand the path of the wind or the mystery of a tiny baby growing in it’s mothers womb, so you cannot understand the activity of God, who does all things.

Plant your seed in the morning and keep busy all afternoon, for you don’t know if profit will come from one activity or another – or maybe both.

– Ecclesiastes 11: 5-6 (NLT)

Game Changer

/ Roxie / 6 Comments

Here’s the situation: I never thought finding love would be one of life’s challenges.  As I get older and it continues to evade me, I’m starting to wonder how anyone has ever successfully accomplished it.

Rom-coms.  The story lines are predictable, unoriginal and recycled every few years, but it doesn’t matter, I still love ’em!  Specifically Adam Sandler ones; I can’t explain.  My head’s not so far up in the clouds though that I can’t see how far fetched, implausible and unhealthy they actually are!  Have you ever kept track of the timeline in a romance movie?  Generally from when the couple meets until they are professing their undying love for each other, maybe 2 weeks have passed.

If movies were true to life and you had a friend telling you about their new love interest, which reflected the plot of some of our favorites, you’d likely question their overall stability.  And if you were a good friend, you’d probably give them some unwanted advice!  Let’s look at Titanic, Pretty Woman, The Holiday and Romeo and Juliet (the version with Leonardo DiCaprio is the only one I’ll watch, of course) – Rose cheated on her fiancé with Jack.  Vivian is a hooker.  Graham knocks on the door of Amanda Woods, a total stranger, and an hour later they have sex and Romeo kills himself over Juliet, then Juliet kills herself over Romeo.  Shakespeare tells us Juliet is 13 and guesses are Romeo would be around 16.  This is not romantic, this is crazy!  These people make terrible life choices but for some reason we lose all logic and wish our love stories were that magical.   (Until the person who cheated on their fiancé with you, cheats on you with someone else…)

Bad Boys, Bad Boys, Whatcha Gonna Do?

Another popular plot is that of the bad boy who changes their bad boy ways for a girl.  Ryan Gosling did it for Emma Stone in Crazy, Stupid, Love.  Barney Stinson did it for Robin in How I Met Your Mother.  Heck, even Dexter, who is supposedly devoid of human emotion, with no interest in romance, fell in love with 2 women.  Ok so he’s the exception and didn’t change his murderous ways for them, but he’s not supposed to be capable of love and even he fell in love!  We love these story lines!  If you ever watched The OC, you can’t tell me you weren’t hoping that Volchok would become a nice guy when he went to the prom with Marissa!  It’s what we root for!  Guys often wonder why girls date jerks or are attracted to bad boys, or why any woman would seek after a man in prison.  I think the misconception is that women want to change men, but I’m more convinced that women idealize the notion that a man would change for her.

Da-Na-Na-Na, Da-Na-Na-Na (Ch Ch)

I think it was Beverly Hills 90210 that made the bad boy appealing to me.  Of all the years I watched, one scene still stands out, because I remember thinking it was so romantic.  It giphyshouldn’t surprise you that I own seasons 1 to 5 on DVD, so because I have half of the show at my fingertips, I did some digging to find that scene.  It was season 1, the original air date was January 3, 1991 and fittingly enough, the episode was titled Isn’t It Romantic?

Brenda and bad boy Dylan blow off a movie and go back to his place, which happens to be a hotel suite, because it’s Beverly Hills and that’s where people live apparently.  He’s surprised to find his father back in town and hosting a business meeting “at home”.  His dad pulls him into another room and you can hear the muffled yells of an argument.  Dylan comes out of the room, walks to the bar to pour himself a drink and Brenda says “you don’t drink do you?”, to which Dylan wittingly replies “only at family reunions.”  Brenda pleads “c’mon don’t, you’re driving me home!” and a brooding Dylan rasps “come on, let’s get outta here.”  He storms out of the hotel with Brenda in tow, clapping back as she tries to appease the situation.  They end up in a screaming match, he breaks a flower pot and she runs away.  He chases after her, grabs her and holds her tight, all the while apologizing.  She exclaims “you’re scaring me” and with remorseful tear-filled eyes, Dylan calms down, they embrace, then share their first kiss.  A week later he’s a changed man and they’re a full blown couple.  Isn’t it romantic?  Hmmm, not really actually.  29 years later I can see the red flags more than the romance, but as a preteen, it seemed like such a romantic gesture!  Dylan liked her enough to chase after her.  Dylan liked her enough to tame his bad boy ways!

I was personally afflicted with the bad boy bug for many years for a few different reasons; low self esteem, finding ‘safety’ in someone who other people wouldn’t mess with, etc.  I had no intention of changing them, but I certainly enjoyed the idea that maybe they would and it would all be because of their love for me!!  *sigh*  Looking back I think I was more interested in the story that could-be, than the guys themselves.  And spoiler alert – they never changed.  Not for me at least.

MythBusters

Sometimes our own conclusion about why things didn’t work out makes it easier for us to swallow.  But then we see what didn’t work for us, work for someone else and our theory gets blown out of the water.

I can say with all certainty that being a Christian has largely contributed to why I’m still single.  It’s always been a deal breaker.  A guy may be interested and he may even know I’m a Christian, but after finding out that I actually live like one, there’s a guy-shaped hole in the door – he can’t get out fast enough!  Any boyfriends who were willing to come to church with me, promptly broke up with me and sometimes even just male friends who came quit talking to me within the week.  I became afraid to tell any guy I liked just how Christian I was, since I knew it started the countdown to the end of the relationship.  I know at least 5 girls though, who successfully and non-intentionally “missionary dated”.  The guys who were willing to go to church with them, became Christians, had their lives radically changed and went on to marry those girls.  (And if you’re wondering why I don’t just date Christians in the first place – it’s my preference and I try to, but it’s hard finding one!)

For many years I assumed I was single because I wasn’t attractive enough.  You might remember me telling you about two guys in particular who made me feel this way; the one who wouldn’t date me because I “wasn’t his type” and the other one who “only dated models”.  When I found out they were married, naturally I assumed their wives would be stunning.  I mean, they must’ve married the hottest girls.  Thanks to the magic of Facebook, I’ve seen pictures of their wives and you know what?  They’re super plain!  Nothing that would stand out in a crowd, certainly not models and if I’m being completely petty, I think I’m way more attractive!

I went on a few dates with a guy who turned out to be a total player.  I quite liked him but he told me he didn’t want a girlfriend, because he just wanted to “get his rocks off”.  That player got married and had kids.  A different guy I was interested in, met one of my friend’s coworkers at a work event.  I was very threatened by this.  This girl was beautiful, young, fun and confident.  She’s the kind of girl that girls want to be and that guys want to be with.  I knew if she was also interested in him and he was given the choice between the two of us, he’d pick her.  To my surprise, he didn’t like her.  (He didn’t like me either.)  After spending a brief amount of time with her, he had some legitimate problems with her character and expressed to my friend how disinterested he was.  Seven days later though, he started spending all of his free time with her.  Whaaa?  Did I miss something here?!

I’m really happy that none of those relationships worked out for me, but it still leaves me to wonder – what made all of those guys change their minds or change their ways for those girls?

The Secret

A deep, healthy or even mutual love has been so far from my reality and seems so far from my reality, that when I hear other people’s love stories, it’s almost a foreign concept to me.  Like – that happened for you, in real life?!  A guy you’ve known for a month moved across the country to be with you?  I can barely find a guy in the same city who stays interested for a month!  A guy said “I love you” to you and didn’t later tell you he never meant it?  You mean to tell me you went on a holiday for a week and your boyfriend didn’t dump you via text message so he could have sex with a girl and not feel guilty about it?  Dang gurl, you hit the jackpot!

My friends have told me stories about something their spouse did that wasn’t overtly romantic, but showed how deeply they were loved.  I’ve seen the Valentine’s posts and anniversary messages of guys on social media bragging about how their wife/girlfriend is the best thing that ever happened to them.  Or more recently, about how there’s no one they’d rather be quarantined with.  I’ve known real life bad boys, jerks, womanizers, hot messes and Slutty McSlutterson’s and seen them change, soften, commit and care for a girl in ways you would never think possible, given their persona.  It’s all the things you’d expect at the end of a good rom-com.  Maybe movies aren’t always so far fetched and unrealistic?

So how does anyone ever successfully find love?  Is it just luck?  Is it right time/right place?  “When you know”, do you really just know?  WHAT’S THE GAME CHANGER?

I met a girl and she is a game changer.

– Ryan Gosling, Crazy, Stupid, Love (2011)

Raise the Bar

/ Roxie / 1 Comment

Here’s the situation: I’m getting annoyed watching so many people settle for less than what they want or deserve!  Keep your standards high and let people rise up to your level, rather than bend down to theirs!

People are waiting longer and longer to get married or start a family.  The reasons range from things like wanting to establish a career first, traveling while they’re young and free, or waiting until they’re financially ready for a wedding and a baby.  I have a lot to say about this and not much of it is in support of waiting as long as people do, but while I could argue the pros of settling down younger, the fact that I wasn’t able to, makes me appreciate this shift in culture!  Where I would’ve once been considered a spinster, now I’m just an empowered woman!  It has become much more acceptable to be where I’m at in life, which hasn’t always been the case, especially not in church culture!

“Normal”

My mom comes from a family of 14 children, most of whom had 4 to 5 kids of their own, so to say I have a lot of cousins would be an understatement.  Growing up, I had a picture of life; you graduate, you meet someone and you get married.  That was normal.  It’s not a message that was pushed by my parents, but rather something subliminal I picked up on from hearing about my many cousins who did just that.  In fact, one of my cousins was also my best friend and she met someone in high school, graduated in June and married in October.  She was 18.  I was 16 and a half.  I assumed by the time I turned 18, I would follow the footsteps of all those cousins before me, but that didn’t happen.  By my own definition, I’m not normal!

Party Like It’s 1999

I vividly remember being 17 and wanting a boy to like me so badly, but they didn’t.  You read about how I was a late bloomer in The Pursuit of Perfection, so guys weren’t even interested in me until I was 19, already putting me a year behind schedule.  The only reason guys started to like me was thanks to their beer goggles, but I didn’t care, I was finally being noticed!  I had quit attending church in high school because it wasn’t “cool” and I wanted to fit in, so if fitting in at 19 meant going to the bar with my friends and a side effect was having drunk guys look my direction, I was perfectly ok with that!

From about 19 to 25 I spent every weekend partying with friends, or “just going dancing”, as I told my mom before I moved out at 22 so she wouldn’t know what I was really up to.  I could regale many a tale from those years – they were a blast!…but I knew the days were numbered and that I’d eventually end up back in church.  As much fun as I was having, I still just wanted to be “normal” and get married, but I also knew I would never marry a non-Christian.  You don’t exactly cross paths with too many Christians while partying, and if you do, they miiiiight not be as Christian as they say (or if they are, perhaps they shouldn’t be interested in you).

As my friends and I aged out of the bar scene, they met guys and settled down and there I was; able to attract men now, just not the kind I actually wanted.

Prodigal Son

When I’d finally had enough of living the same weekend year after year after year without any forward momentum, I headed back to church.  Were my intentions pure because I loved Jesus and wanted to get right with the Lord?  No.  Hardly.  I wanted to find that Christian man.  Little did I know that at 26 years old, I was long past my prime in the church world!  You see, Christians used to get married (extra) young!  A lot of them met someone in youth group or they attended bible college right out of high school, aka, bridal college, so if you made it past 23 unwed, 1) something must be wrong with you and 2) you missed your window of opportunity because all of the guys were already taken!  When I did have a couple of “Christians” interested in me, I couldn’t afford to turn them down!  And so, for many, many years, I lowered my standards and tried to settle.

Oh Honey, No

I can always rant about The Bachelor, but this season in particular has me wondering – are these women extra awful or am I finally aging out of this BS?  And Peter?  He might be the worst bachelor since Juan Pablo.  This season is terr·i·ble!!  Peter aside, watching these women makes me sad for our gender and how low our bar seems to be set!

Being a pilot, it would only be fitting that Peter takes a group date to “Flight School”.  For the sake of love, the girl who gets motion sickness allows herself to be spun about in a machine that simulates turbulence.  A real metaphor for love, amirite?!  (Bachelor fans will understand.)  After she’s unstrapped, she heads to the washroom, feeling nauseous.  Peter goes to check on her and brings her a bottle of water.  She can’t believe what a gentleman he is.  Seriously?!  A guy brings you a bottle of water when you don’t feel well and you swoon?

It’s not just young girls on The Bachelor either.  Let’s talk about Dirty John.  Debra Newell, a successful business woman, falls for a guy she meets online.  If you’re unfamiliar with the rest of this true story, do yourself a favor and go listen to the podcasts (or watch the Netflix show based on the podcast).  Without spoiling too much, John turns out to be a psycho con artist and somebody dies.  Who and how you can find out for yourself.  Point is, Debra first fell for Mr. Crazypants because when they went on dates he would ask her questions about herself.  That’s it?!  Are we really that desperate or starved to find a good man that that’s all it takes to fall for one?  A man who asks you questions?!  This does not reflect well for men or women!

I can’t fault these women without also faulting myself!  One day a bad boy I really liked and had been seeing off and on for years without ever actually being his girlfriend, got a fish tank.  I swooned.  “Omigosh, he’s taking care of living creatures!  He cares about something!”  Seriously Rox?  Yes, he cares about fish but not you, you dummy!  Or there’s the guy who was rude to me, my family, to strangers, he only had 1 friend, no vehicle, no furniture and owned 2 cats.  (Never trust a single guy who owns cats.)  The only reason I gave him a chance was because he was “Christian” (he wasn’t) and he liked me.  Sooooo, that’s all it took to win me over?  Unfortunately yes.  I got engaged to that guy!  (To my credit, I did later break off that engagement!)

So why do we do that?!  Why do we allow ourselves to settle when we know we deserve better?

Tick Tock, It’s Freak Out O’Clock

I can’t speak for you, but if you’re a woman over a certain age (particularly a Christian woman and maybe even some men too), you’ve probably sensed the judgment of others or felt the pressure to find someone.  Maybe it’s entirely pressure you’ve put on yourself because the timeline you planned has passed or the ticking of your biological clock is a countdown for panic to set in.  I imagine I’m not the only one whose allowed fear or frustration to lead me into relationships with people I never pictured for my life.  You know, like the fear that if [this] person wasn’t interested in you, maybe nobody else would be?  Or if you upheld your standards and convictions, maybe nobody would ever meet them or you’d be left without any options and stay single for a really long time, possibly forever.  There comes a moment when you figure, you better take what you can get!

plenty-of-fish

And just because I’m a Christian doesn’t mean I don’t get super pissed off at God from time to time too.  He claims that He’ll give me the desires of my heart, but that hasn’t happened and I’m supposed to trust His timing, yet He’s sure not in any hurry!  Doesn’t He realize how old I’m getting?  In fact, this frustration perpetuates a cycle for me.  I get broken up with and after the crying has subsided, I decide that I’m going to keep my standards up and trust God for my future relationship.  After all, He’s God and must have someone in mind for me, so I’ll hold out for that, since everything I’m trying hasn’t worked.  After a couple of years of random dates with no success, my patience wears thin and I start to lower my standards again because keeping them up proves to be a lost cause.  The thing I’ve learned about myself, is that once I’ve allowed someone in my heart, even a little bit, I will start to like them, whether they’re the kind of person I’ve been holding out for or not.  I am a settler.  (Hello!…engaged to the rude cat guy!)  Unfortunately (and fortunately!), as many times as I’ve tried to settle, something deep within me has never allowed it…

Settle Down Now

Maybe recognizing my cycle was the first step to not being caught up in it again.  Unfortunately, I’ve known too many girls over the years who have successfully settled.  The wrong guy was interested in them now and they didn’t want to wait for the right one later.  At the time I was really jealous of these girls, because they seemingly got the dream, but looking at it now, when you have to lose who you are in order to get that, I don’t think it’s much of a dream anymore.  If I have to compromise my beliefs for the sake of a man, no thanks.  I’ll continue to hold out for the one I won’t have to do that for!  I finally like myself enough to keep my standards up and I’ve made it this late in life single, I don’t know why I would settle now!

Maniacal Laugh

There was a time when I was super bitter about being single and I would think – one day I’ll show you!  I’ll show all of you!  Everyone who told me I was too picky and everyone who told me to lower my standards.  I’ll get the best man out of anyone and prove that I knew what I was doing all along and that this is what you wait for!  …  But I can’t prove that yet.  And maybe I’ll never be able to.  So, how can I tell you to value yourself, hang on to what’s important to you and never settle because it will all be worth it one day, when I don’t have the success story to back it up?

Here’s what I do know though.  The girls who settled… The girl who moved in with her boyfriend in hopes that it would bring him closer to marrying her.  She’s still living with him all these years later, but not married yet.  The girl who told me she wanted a Christian but said they were too hard to find so she settled for “a decent guy”.  She’s not happy.  In fact, she might be the most unhappy person I know.  Or the girl who wanted a man to fill a void and give her value.  She got a man, but he didn’t fill that void or give her value so a man didn’t solve the problem.  So yes, I may be single.  I may not have the”normal” life I wanted and I may still be hoping that one day I can prove to myself that my wait hasn’t been in vain, but I can honestly say, I am more content with my life right now having never settled than I would be had I successfully done so!

Remember, it’s easier to set your standards higher before you meet someone, than trying to raise them after the fact.

The Unknown

/ Roxie / Leave a comment

Here’s the situation: I find the uncertainty of my future as a single, exciting and terrifying at the same time.  I both look forward to it and dread it equally.  What a fun little dichotomy!

At the start of each new year, I take inventory.  A look back on the previous year to see what of my written goals I have accomplished, in 5 separate categories: personal, relational, financial, spiritual and miracle.  Though the success rate is usually 60%, I’m still left feeling more discouraged than encouraged.  I had 365 days to accomplish big things, but what in my life looks any different, except my collagen and elastin continuing to succumb to age?  There were 365 days left wide open for miracles to happen.  But again, they didn’t.  And now, as I write out new goals, I have to muster up the faith to believe that even though every year prior seems to prove that miracles don’t happen, at least not for me, maybe 2020 will be the year to change everything?  And so, I enter another 365 days 361 days of the unknown.

Set the Thermostat to Tropical

My favorite thing about being an adult is the moment you realize you are an adult and you are in charge.  For me it was a little thing like – hey, I don’t have to eat the yellow Skittles!  I hate lemon flavored candy and I can throw them out if I want, I’m a grown @$$ woman!  Or after my first roommate and I moved out of our parents houses so many years ago, we realized that we are in control of the thermostat!  When I lived at home, my parents turned the heat down for night.  Why?!  I hate waking up in a cold house!  It makes it 10x harder to get out bed and leave the warmth of my duvet behind.  Every parent paying to heat a house must have a default “put on a sweater” setting built in to their DNA.  Well, no I will not!  I’m an adult now, I want to be comfortable in my own home.  If I have to pay a little bit more each month so that I can stay warm, I will!  I’d rather wear less clothes around the house than have to pile on the layers while INSIDE!  I’m not used to being consistently cold anymore and after spending 3 days at my cousin and her warm-blooded husband’s house at Christmas, my body temperature slowly dropped to where I think my brain function began to shut down and I started talking crazy.  I said to her, “I don’t know if I want to get married anymore.  I don’t want to give up my thermostat!”  I even went so far as thinking that those of us who have stayed single this late in life might actually be the lucky ones!  (Who am I when I get cold?!)

tropical

I first saw the picture above over 10 years ago.  It’s from a book titled Porn For Women, in which, photos of men doing household chores are paired with captions catered to what appeals to women.  If I die and someone goes through my Google search history, I was only looking to find this image!!

Serious as a Heart Attack

I’m an only child, raised by parents who stayed married until death did they part.  Romantic right?  Nope.  It became two people who coexisted for the better part of their lives.  My mom, Christian of all Christian’s, is almost too saved, so divorce was not an option.  This is a tenacity that few possess in relationships anymore and though there are legitimate, biblically acceptable reasons to get divorced, I was raised with the mindset that you did not do it.  Because divorce wasn’t an option, and as much as I can help it, I would still prefer it not to be in the future, I take relationships seriously.  I date with intent and from the moment I have even an ounce of interest in you, I’m paying attention.  Attention to the things you say, the things you do, how you act or react, your character, if I can hear you breathe or chew…  If things were to get serious, marriage is for life and life is a long time to spend with someone!

I’m Like a Vault Baby, Locked Down

When I was in my 20’s, watching all my friends find love and get married, I thought – as soon as I get married, the hard part will be over.  No more awkward first dates, no more wasting your time getting to know someone only to have them dump you.  NO MORE HEARTBREAK!  In my mind, once I was married, a man wouldn’t go anywhere and that had always been the problem; they were free to leave, so they did.  Therefore, if I could just lock one in, I’d never get hurt again!  [And all the married people laughed and rolled their eyes.]  Yes, yes, I know…  I’ve learned that a ring and some vows are no guarantee that you won’t ever be hurt again.  Not only that, but I’ve come to realize that getting hurt or heartbroken is actually a whole lot easier when you’re not locked in with someone!  And, it doesn’t matter how much you’ve vetted someone beforehand, you have no idea what the future holds!

Where Are They Now?

Ever take to Google to see what your favorite teen idols look like now or find out what they’re up to?  Some have maintained their careers and still look good.  Some, not so much and some you’d probably pass in the street and pay no mind because they look so normal.  It’s interesting to see how people change over the years, even the people you know.

Guys I’ve had crushes on in the past who were sooooo dreamy, I’ll see now and think, meh – they look like an average guy in their 40’s, because most of the time, they are an average guy in their 40’s!  Or there are the girls my age who I compare myself to and wonder if I’m holding up better or worse than.  And if I do think it’s better, I question if my self perception is totally warped.  Looks aside, there are people who used to be full of joy and have a lust for life, but they’ve become hardened and cynical.  Or those you figured would amount to nothing, but went on to do great things.  I’m constantly trying to improve who I am – how come some people share that drive, while others give up?

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.

You Can Lead a Horse to Water

Do you know what scares me now about potentially meeting someone?  Realizing that when you get married, you have no idea how your spouse might grow or change over time.  I’ve talked with numerous married people over the years and none of them could’ve predicted their future would turn out the way it has.  Some of them, surprised it is better, but some of them, trapped and unhappy because it’s much much worse.  There are silly things like the phases of bad fashion and awful trends we all go through and might have to put up with in someone else, but the serious stuff…the unknown…

You could marry someone who matches your energy and exercises and meal preps with you, but develops an illness that robs them, and you, of those things you did together.  You might have been drawn to someone spontaneous or a social butterfly, but they lose their adventurous spirit and become a hermit or depressed.  What about the well put together spouse you were so attracted to who lets themselves go or the spouse who vows to be faithful and breaks their promise?  What if you marry a dog guy and he turns into a cat guy?!  (Definite grounds for divorce.)  What happens when the going gets tough and the tough abandon their beliefs and turn their back on the faith you once kept at the center of your relationship?

My dream has always been to get married.  I’ve made a point of not settling, yet even if I met the person of my dreams or my “soulmate” (PS, soulmates don’t exist), people are always evolving.  I can’t control that person or how they feel or what they do.  I can’t predict the future.  The idea of finally finding what I want, only to later be unhappy or feel trapped…it’s a paralyzing thought!  I don’t want to regret my decisions.  I don’t want to be jealous of people living my old life.  I don’t want my answered prayer to become my next prayer request.

Look Into My Crystal Ball

If you had the choice to find out what was going to happen in your future, would you want to know, or not?

I don’t really like surprises.  I think it’s because I don’t like being unprepared.  I want to know what I’m getting into, in advance, so that if I need to, I’ll pack the right stuff or wear the appropriate clothes or at least have time to wrap my head around what is going to happen.  You might call me a control freak, but I just like details!  Mainly, I don’t like to go into things blindly, because I don’t want to end up looking like a fool.

In spite of my dislike of surprises, aka, my fear of the unknown, if given the choice, I don’t think I’d want to know my future.  I think it might be too overwhelming or too disappointing and if I knew what was going to happen, I wouldn’t need faith and I’d most certainly quit making and pursuing goals, especially if I knew it was all for naught.  The fun, as much as it isn’t sometimes, is in the anticipation.  The thrill of the chase.  So you know what?  Lets put on a brave face as we walk into an unknown 2020.  Lets hope that what we’re doing now will get us the results we want later and if we look like a fool, well then, I guess we look like a fool!

And cheers to us old singles who haven’t found ourselves trapped in an unhappy marriage yet.  …and hopefully not ever!  We just might be the lucky ones!  (And my brain has thawed, so that’s my sanity talking!)

2020

All By Myself

/ Roxie / 1 Comment

Here’s the situation: It’s hard to make new friends as an adult!

I left an event recently and as I walked to my car, my eyes began to fill with tears.  I did the typical girl thing to make sure none of them actually escaped;  I blinked in rapid succession, waved my hands in front of my eyes and willed myself to ‘stop it’, but I could not gain control.  Within seconds of getting into my car I was bawling, in a parking lot, hoping no one would see me.  The only words I could get out, to no one but myself, were “I’m so tired of doing life alone!”.

Marry Your Best Friend

It should be common sense, but it took me more than a few crappy relationships before deciding that finding someone should actually enrich my life.  I may not always be thrilled to be single and I may not be in the position to be too selective anymore, but I’m not the type of girl who is going to settle for someone, just for the sake of having someone.  I’m not that desperate.  My life if pretty good actually and doesn’t need rescuing from some knight, so if I’m not going to be with someone who adds more value and enjoyment to what I already have, then I’d rather be single.  Now, I never wanted to be, or thought I’d be single at this age, but until recently, I never felt that single, because in a sense, I’ve had 2 spouses, just in best friend form.

My first “spouse” was my first roommate.  We lived together for 4 years and did everything together.  Worked together, worked out together, tanned together (separately), partied together…  I spent Christmases and Easters with her family or even just family dinners and games nights, I was there.  Our neighbors thought we were ‘partners’ and many people thought we were sisters.  We grocery shopped and ran errands together.  We just did life together.  When she got married, I moved in with my cousin, my second “spouse”, and we ended up living together for 11 years!  Even though our day to day lives weren’t quite so intertwined (different jobs, different hours, etc), similar to my first roommate, we did life together too, plus actually being blood relatives helped.  People who didn’t know us well thought we were either lesbians, sisters or eerily close friends.  The first time I’ve ever lived alone was after she got married.  It’s nice to have your own space and reign over Netflix and I’m one of those people who recharges alone, but it gets lonely.  Having a companion always made everything more fun, even the boring stuff.

Plus None

In all my years, there have only been 2 times that I brought a (male) date to an event and they were both with my then fiancé.  (Truth be told, I probably didn’t want him to come, but felt obligated out of fiancé-ly duty.  Reason #179 why we didn’t get married!).  Generally any sort of work party, wedding or other gala I get invited to, I know the people I’ll be around, so unless I’m actually in a relationship, I don’t often invite a date.  You just have to babysit them to make sure they’re having a good time or don’t get left alone, so unless I really like you, I can’t be bothered to bring a date, like I said above, for the sake of having a date.  I’ve grown accustomed to attending things alone, but sometimes there are moments that remind you just how alone you really are.

It was another wedding sans plus one.  I was friends with a bunch of people attending and told I’d be seated with a group I knew, so it was all good, I didn’t need a date.  I arrived at the reception and found my name on the seating chart.  Perfect – a round table of eight; 3 couples, myself and another girl whose husband couldn’t attend.  Only, last minute the husband could attend, so the seating chart attendant now had the unfortunate role of shuffling people around.

My emotions were heightened due to this wedding.  After these vows, I would be the last remaining single in this group of friends and being older than all of them, my time should’ve come first!  The seating chart attendant couldn’t have known how sensitive I was at that moment, so when she asked to move me, stating it was easiest because “you are the only one who’s single“, it felt like having a flaw that you’re self conscious of, but you don’t think anyone notices.  Only then you find out that not only do they notice it, they point it out to you!  For the sake of not making a scene, I obliged (while silently cursing everyone and their livelihood) and I was reassured that I would be moving to another table of people I knew.  It was true, I knew all but 1 person assigned there, however, I wasn’t aware that they all had jobs to do at the wedding and wouldn’t be able to sit!  Photographers, servers, a DJ and an emcee.  There I sat, already feeling ostracized, with a glaringly obvious reminder that I was alone – 7 empty chairs.  After about 15 minutes seething with white hot inner rage and fighting off tears, the one stranger at my table arrived and he didn’t have a role besides bridesmaid’s boyfriend, so the 2 of us sat while our table mates popped in and out, up and down.

The evening turned out to be fine, but it is etched into my brain.  The only one who’s single.  I swear it could’ve been scripted for a movie.  Single girl, upset about being single, goes to a wedding alone, gets bumped from her table because she’s alone and winds up at a table, sitting alone.  Of course, in the movie version, I would’ve had a meet-cute with the man of my dreams and lived happily ever after.  Instead I did wedding themed mad libs with a bridesmaid’s boyfriend.

meet-cute (noun)

(in a film or television show) An amusing or charming first encounter between two characters that leads to the development of a romantic relationship between them.

White Flag

I was texting with an old old friend recently and she asked “so, still happily single?”.  I snickered to myself and replied “more like, kind of accepted it”.  Acceptance is a weird place to be as someone who’s wanted to get married for 20+ years, but I think I might’ve actually, maybe, sort of, finally become ok with the potential for #foreveralone.  Wait, let me rephrase that.  I’ve had to become ok with it.  I’ve cried enough.  There’s really no point wasting any more time wanting something that I can’t make happen, so I’ve finally thrown my hands up and surrendered.

I like to think that things won’t stay this way forever and I have moments where the reality of that is overwhelming, but spending so much time being single has kind of forced me to shift my focus.  Rather than being on the lookout for a good man only to be disappointed each time I see one who catches my eye and is already taken, I decided to make other goals and while I pursue them, enjoy the days, do fun things and live life with my friends.  Unfortunately, as my plans for life were getting bigger, my social circle kept getting smaller.  My close friends are now all married or starting families.  Some switched churches so I didn’t see them as often, some moved away and some just stopped being my friend altogether.  Life happens, but when your plan is to enjoy life with others and suddenly it feels like you’ve lost all your others, that’s when you have parking lot meltdowns about being alone!

I know I’m not unique to it, but very few people have had the experience of staying single (never married) until they’re 40 and unless you’ve lived it, I don’t think you can truly compute how isolating it can be at times.  I love my friends and they are more important to me than they probably realize, but it’s easy to be unintentionally forgotten about.  Spouses and children and building a life together with someone takes precedence, understandably, but because of the accompanying “busyness” and obligations, many times it seems like if you weren’t the one reaching out, you’d never hear from anyone!  I really felt pushed this year to expand my circle and try to make more friends.

F•R•I•E•N•D•S

Nobody ever really talks about hard it is to make new friends as an adult.  It’s like some secret that we’ve been told to keep, but we’ve ALL been told it, so it’s not really a secret, we just have to act like nobody else knows the truth.  When the topic comes up though, everybody emphatically agrees and has a lot to say.   In my quest to make more friends this year, I learned I wasn’t the only one who had these struggles!

1. Where do you even go to make friends as an adult?!

When you’re young there’s youth group and school or parties and pubs/clubs.  Even after as young as 25 there aren’t many environments created to cultivate friendship.  You can’t just quit your job so that you can go work with new people and hope that they become your friends.  You might have a hobby and the opportunity to meet other like-minded people if you took a class or joined a club, but if these things aren’t options, where do you go?  There’s no speed dating for friends and there might be websites, but that’s a little too weird to me!

2. We’re all uncomfortable and afraid of rejection

Remember when you were a kid and your parents tossed you in a room with some other kid and you immediately started playing together?  It’s not like that anymore!  As you get older, you have a tendency to approach things with more caution.  It’s a side effect of life experience and I think we all wonder if people are going to like us.  I’ve had my fair share of experiences that have caused me to automatically assume people won’t like me because I’m not good enough for them.  Or they’ll only like me until they meet my cooler, funner, more outgoing, more spontaneous friends.  I mean, it’s happened multiple times in the past, who’s to say it wouldn’t happen again, right?  I’ve also met some really bold and confident people who have since told me that they were so nervous to ask me to hang out or have coffee.  I guess technically it’s almost like asking someone on a date – the potential to be rejected, even on a friendship level, is always there!

3. Where do I fit in?

We’re drawn to what we can identify with.  That’s why couples befriend other couples and moms gravitate to other moms, but where do I fit in?  Girls my age have husbands and teenage children.  Girls 10 years younger than me have husbands and young children.  I guess I have the most in common with someone in their 20’s and though I feel young, let’s be honest, my culture references, sayings, jokes and where I’m at in life are not the same.  How much do they want me lingering around (or how much do I want to linger around) before I come off a little too Amy Poehler in Mean Girls?

cool-mom

4. We all get lonely and we all make assumptions

Making assumptions is probably our biggest mistake and I know I’m guilty of it!  Often I won’t bother asking people if they want to do something because I assume that because they have a spouse, they want to spend all of their time with them or because they have kids that they are busy.  Then I found out, these people aren’t asking me if I want to do something because they assume I’m living some wild single life and won’t want to do some boring married person activity or hang out with a kid nearby.  Do I want to go to Gymboree or watch The Wiggles with you, for sure no, but if all you can do in this season of your life is go for a walk with your stroller, I have legs, I can walk!  I’d rather work around a few complications and see my friend than not see them at all.  But instead of making a move, what do either of us do?  We assume the other won’t want to get together for various reasons, don’t bother texting and we stay at home, feeling lonely and rejected because of our own misconceptions!

Just Do It

A man who has friends, must himself be friendly. – Proverbs 18:24 NKJV

We were created to be in relationship and we all desire companionship of some kind.  Friendships are so important!  The married families need to realize that we singles need them, just as much as they need us.  We each bring something unique to the table, but we’ll never learn from one another if we don’t spend time with one another!  So, the next time you draw back thinking that people will be too busy to get together with you, the least you could do is ask.  Or if you’re too nervous to ask someone new to hang out, embrace the awkwardness!  Chances are, they’re just as nervous and awkward as you.  You can meet some awesome people, like me for instance, once you break through that first moment of discomfort!

I expect my calendar to fill up now…just sayin’.

 

 

 

Me Time

/ Roxie / 3 Comments

Here’s the situation: I’ve decided I’m going to be more selfish, and coming from an only child, that really says something!

Now that I’ve turned the magical age of forever 29, I think I might actually be going through a midlife crisis.  It’s an interesting thing to now be making my descent on the proverbial hill.  Let me quickly sum up the aging process for you (thus far at least).  You’re a child and you can’t wait to grow up.  You’re a teen, but you can’t wait to be eighteen.  You’re young.  You’re young.  Life is a party and you have no cares in the world!  You’re a little older, but still too young to be thinking about things like mortgages and retirement.  Uh oh.  You’ve started to realize how much older you are and wish you’d gotten your act together a little sooner.  ∗boom∗  You’re old.  Now that you’ve entered the last half of your life, you really start to think about what you’ve done, what you haven’t done and how much, or how little, time you have left.

What’s New?

I hate running into people I haven’t seen in a while.  They always want to know what’s new.  I mean, I ask that question too, but generally people have a much different answer than mine.  New careers, new homes, spouses, babies.  Their lives change drastically in as short as a year, but you could ask me what’s new and I could give you the exact same answer today as I did 19 years ago!

2000:  “Oh, I live in (insert my neighborhood), I work for (insert my company name) and I’m single, never married, no kids.”

2019:  “Oh, I live in (insert my neighborhood), I work for (insert my company name) and I’m single, never married, no kids.”

Depending when you ran into me in this 19 year span though, you might’ve got a different answer.  I’ve lived in different communities, I quit my job to move to a new city and go back to school.  I got engaged, bought a condo with my fiancé, broke up with my fiancé, moved back to my original city, went back to school, got my old job back, traveled a bunch and ended up buying a condo in my childhood neighborhood, not because I wanted to, but because it’s where I could afford.

Outside of owning my own home, I feel like I’m living the same life again.  It just makes me wonder – what did I do, or not do, to get me (back) here?  My life isn’t bad, but my life is stuck and I want to be able to place blame on something specific as the reason.

I Aim to Please

I’ve never thought I was a people pleaser.  I can say no, even though it might disappoint you.  I don’t agree with people, just so that they like me.  Then I read this little article – 10 Signs You’re a People Pleaser.  There were 8 signs I disagreed with, but curse those 2 that I didn’t!  I wouldn’t say that I’m 100% either one, but I certainly have tendencies towards them.  I suppose I’ve always viewed them as ‘peace keeping’, rather than ‘people pleasing’, making them seem less dysfunctional to me.

1. You feel burdened by the things you have to do

  • You’re in charge of how you spend your time, but there’s a good chance your schedule is filled with activities that other people want you to do.

Ok, I’m actually quite selfish with my time.  I’ve learned I can’t handle too many activities, too many days in a row.  I get burnt out, I get sick and I need time alone to recharge.  Yup, I’m one of those people.  Or if I put too much focus in one area of my life, another one starts to fall apart and then I get cranky.  That’s why I really try to balance out ‘adulting’ and chores and entertainment and activities and commitments.  In spite of this legitimate need for balance for my own health (and let’s face it, the health of the people around me!), I still do things and attend things that I have little desire to do because I know it will make other people happy.  And not in that nice compromising, give and take kind of way, but in that, this is a burden to me and I’m feeling slightly resentful, but I don’t want to disappoint or let anyone down, kind of way.

2. You act like the people around you

  • It’s normal for other people to bring out different sides of your personality, but people pleasers often sabotage their goals.  People pleasers engage in self-destructive behavior if they think it will help others feel more comfortable. 

The example this article gave is that people pleasers will eat more when they think it will make other people happy.  I had to laugh.  I worked with an older man for many years.  He never married and never had kids.  He lived simply and didn’t have many expenses, so he would spend money on my coworkers and I.  He referred to us as his work wives and would buy us lunches or keep our desk drawers stocked with chocolate.  As lovely as it was and as much as I have a sweet tooth, I realized that many times I was eating out of guilt!  Guilt that the money he spent would go to waste.  He knew I was trying to be healthy and avoid sugar, so if he wanted to waste his money, that was his problem, not mine, right?  Why was I eating and hating my thighs, for his wallet’s sake?

What else was I doing in my life for other people and not for myself?

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

There are really only two ways to make a change.  Either you decide to make one, or someone else decides to make one, which changes things for you without your consent.  The majority of changes in my life were due to the latter or circumstances outside of my control.

The only reason I switched schools after junior high was because the one I went to didn’t go past grade 9.  The only reason I left my first three jobs was because the first one went out of business, the second one the owner sold and the new owner laid me off to bring in their personnel and the third one?  At a Christmas party two weeks after I started, the lady I was replacing got drunk and emotional and decided she wanted to stay and they could only keep one of us!  I only went to school for Business Admin because someone offered to pay for it and I’ve only ever broke up with a few guys because it’s almost always been the guys who did the dumping.  (Actually, the ghosting.)

I’m a settler (a whole other blog for a different day), so for me, a forceful push has been necessary.  If Kmart hadn’t gone out of business, I might still be there!  I can count on one hand the number of changes that were my decision.  I can count on two fingers actually.  It’s two.  I’ve only made two truly life altering decisions.

The Best Friend

I think I’ve actually held myself back in life for the sake of others.  Compound my fear of change with the little bit of people pleaser in me and you get a girl who’s made a lot of decisions with other people’s feelings in mind, rather than my own.  I never wanted to rock the boat.  (See, it is peace keeping in a way!)  Some seasons of my life were going well and yet I felt a pull to make a change, but I didn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable in the process or be the catalyst that would affect everything around me.  You know, like how when one person decides to diet, everyone suffers.  Similar concept.  So instead I took a backseat to my own life thinking there’d be other passengers riding comfortably with me, only I ended up alone, watching everyone else in the driver’s seat of their lives, passing me by.  I have my license, why aren’t I driving?

leading-lady

Sorry, Not Sorry

The midlife crisis I might be having could be just the forceful push I need this year.  In the words of Andy Dufresne: it comes down to a simple choice – get busy living or get busy dying.  There are times in life when we need to dig our heels in and stick things out, but there are times when we are so stuck that we need to swap out the heels for a pair of sneakers and get moving!  (Also, is the saying referring to heels – anatomy or heels – clothing?  Whatever, I went with clothing and it’s too late now.)

I’m technically half dead, or if you’re an optimist, I suppose I’m half alive!  Either way, there’s no more time to waste.  If I want to have a different response to “what’s new?” in another 19 years, then I need to be a little more selfish!  Trying not to hurt people has been hurting me, so in true Canadian fashion, let me apologize.  I’m sorry that I might have to consider my own feelings herein.  I’m sorry that I might disappoint you or make you uncomfortable and I’m sorry that my changes might affect your life, eh.

Triggered

/ Roxie / 2 Comments

Here’s the situation: I think I have PTSD from years of dating

I don’t do breakups well and they seem to be harder to handle the older I get.  I feel like they should get easier over time as you become more comfortable in who you are and are ok with not everyone liking you, but at the root, they’re still rejection.  It’s a reminder that someone who was once intrigued by you, got to know the real you and didn’t like it.  So much so, that they didn’t want you in their life anymore.

My last (official) breakup was awful.  I cried every day for about 6 months and every other day for about 6 more.  It wasn’t so much the guy that I was devastated over, but being back at square one and having to do this/find this/risk this/attempt this another time, in hopes that maybe it’ll finally work out.  I’m long over that guy, but the thought of ever feeling that kind of heartbreak again, TERRIFIES me!

Can I confess?  I hate first dates by now and I actually think they give me anxiety.  Unfortunately, they are a necessary step in getting to my desired end result.  “Go online”, people say.  “It’ll be so fun”, people say.  Of course, the people saying this have been married for years and have no idea what it’s like to date in 2019!  I’ve heard the online success stories, but more often than not, I hear the stories of how dating became like a part-time job and took 25 bad dates before 1 decent one.  Or about people agreeing to a date and then being told “I’m not looking for anything serious.”  What are you doing online then?!  If you’re just looking to get laid, there’s this thing called alcohol which you can buy at any bar and you’ll probably find someone to hook up with while you’re there too!  2 birds, 1 stone.  Or stick to sites like Tinder and Plenty of Fish where you belong!  I think it’s great if you’ve had success online, but for me, it’s super uncomfortable.  All those dreaded first dates in hopes of weeding out 1 winner.  I just don’t know if I have it in me anymore.  It’s exhausting and discouraging and I am getting too old for the stupid games people play! (Plus, I’ve listened to too many true crime podcasts and there seems to be a lot of weirdo’s out there without any accountability!)

Son of a Beach

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.  I am addicted to The Bachelor franchise.  I don’t even know why lately, since all it seems to do is frustrate me and yet, I can’t stop.  Right now it’s Bachelor in Paradise (BIP) season.  Admittedly, it’s a horrible concept.  A bunch of singles hanging at a secluded resort, looking for love.  Each week an additional 2 to 3 guys or girls arrive to offset the numbers of the opposite sex and if you’re one of the men or women who don’t make a connection in order to get a rose, it’s too bad, so sad, goodbye.  Even though you might have made a strong connection with someone, the general consensus seems to be “keep your options open”.  Nobody wants to lock in too early into their time in paradise, because in the next day or two, someone better might arrive.  I’ve been asked how I can watch this trashy reality show, but this horrible concept and the idea of keeping your options open is literally dating in 2019; these people just happen to be televised.  As someone who’s been dumped numerous times for someone “better”, it triggers me!

flip-table

It’s Too Much

There are two reasons I love The Notebook; James Marsden and Ryan Gosling.  Ok, but actually, it’s a really great movie.  I saw it in the theatre with my cousin and towards the end, the lady behind us was a blubbering mess and kept whispering “it’s too much, it’s too much.”  By the time the old couple died (spoiler alert), we were so focused on trying not to giggle, we didn’t have time to be emotional!

It’s a romantic notion, isn’t it?  A couple who love each other so much, they literally can’t live without each other.  A man who legitimately loves his wife, for better and for worse.  Let’s take this romance outside of the movies.  Don’t we gush anytime we see an older couple who hold hands and are still in love? “Awwww, I want that!”  I think it’s human nature to dream of that kind of forever love.  Unfortunately, the way culture is moving, I don’t know that we’ll be seeing too much of that in the future.

“I wrote you 365 letters.  I wrote you every day for a year.”

– Noah Calhoun, The Notebook

The Cheesecake Cafe Theory

(If you’re American, we can call it The Cheesecake Factory Theory)

You know those restaurants with menus the size of a novel (not to name names)?  I find it really difficult to decide what I want to order when I have so many options.  I have to make a pros and cons list, consult my magic eight ball, say a prayer, narrow it down by process of elimination and then eenie meenie the top 2.  I believe this same difficulty in decision making applies to our dating lives with the introduction of online dating and apps!  When we’re given too many choices, we end up in our heads, overthinking and second guessing.

I’m pretty sure nobody gets married with the intent of later getting divorced.  We all want our Notebook love story and we celebrate milestone wedding anniversaries, but have you ever considered how and why these older couples have lasted so long?  First of all, commitment and work.  A lot more work than it seems people want to exert these days.  It’s much harder to write 365 letters than to send a “you up?” text.  Second, let’s go back 40 or 50 years to when these couples probably first met.  (Heck, this scenario might even apply 15 to 20 years ago!)  Before we did everything on a screen, we had to physically go outside to meet people.  Our worlds were smaller and all you had to choose from was what was within your reach.  Classmates, friends, friends of friends, coworkers, people you encountered in person…that was really all there was.  When you found someone you liked, you ‘went steady’ and you didn’t keep your options open in case something better came along.  As far as you knew, you were already dating the best you could find!

You can argue that technology has made dating easier, but I disagree.  Technology has made meeting people easier, but commitment harder!  What if we commit to one person, but then we meet someone else who seems to be a better fit?  Ever heard of the 80/20 rule?  In a healthy relationship, couples will have about 80% of what they want in their partner.  Unfortunately, some people leave their partner in search of the missing 20%.  I’m no mathematician, but when you leave 80 for 20, you’re gaining less than what you started with.  If you look for 20%, you’re guaranteed to find it since there will always be someone who meets a different need in your life, but in time, you’ll probably have to chase after another 20%.  And then another 20, and then another 20…

That Is So Last Year

I know my ideas of dating don’t fit in to today’s culture.  Especially as a Christian trying to date.  Perhaps I’m too old fashioned for 2019!  I think that when you’re exploring a new relationship with someone, out of respect for them, they should be the only one that you pursue.  Don’t dabble a little bit here, a little bit there and muddy the waters.  Maybe it’ll only last 1 date, maybe 1 month, but when you only have 1 choice on the menu, you have an easy decision to make: take it or leave it!  If you decide to ‘take it’, the foundation of that relationship will likely be stronger because you did only have that one person there from the start.  And don’t let the ‘what if’ notion of a better fit come in and steal your 80%!  Remember, the grass is always greener where it’s watered.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m headed to the drive-in for a malted before I go to the sock hop.

Faith It ‘Til You Make It?

/ Roxie / 1 Comment

Here’s the situation:  Sometimes I wonder, is this ever going to happen for me?  Does God really have a plan?  And if He does, why does it suck along the way?

I’m Not Crying, My Eyes Are Just a Little Sweaty Today

I thought I was doing better than this.  It’d been months since I last felt hopeless, yet there I was, Kleenex in hand, tears on face, attending a pity party.  Something happened that day to ground me back in my reality.  The reality that as much as I keep trying to be okay with the possibility I’ll be single forever, I’m not really that okay with it.  Deep within me there is an ache to be fully known, fully loved and fully chosen.  The reality is I’m no closer to getting married today than I was when I looked forward to it at 17.  That is a long time to live with an unanswered prayer.

It’s always so discouraging to me when I look at other people’s lives and see how easy relationships seem to come for them.  It’s like they walked out the front door, made eye contact with a stranger and that was it!  I know people who have met their spouses at coffee shops, their jobs, through friends, at church or online.  I know people my age on their second and third marriages (not the goal, but I’m just saying, they’re already getting married twice and I haven’t even been married once?!).  I have a friend who went on vacation to another country, met a guy also on vacation from a complete other country and a few months later, he moved to Canada for her.  What kind of real life rom-com nonsense is this?!

10.Things

(’10 Things I Hate About You’ reference.  Not sorry about it.)

It’s Not You, It’s Me.  Actually, It Is You.

“How come you’re still single?”.  I’ve heard it 100x and wondered it 200.  I’ve always assumed it was me and my flaws.  My nose is too big, I’m too tall and nobody is ready for this jelly.  Maybe I’m not as good of a conversationalist as I think?  Maybe I’m actually really annoying?  I’m sure some of my relational failures are my fault, but when I started to dig deeper, I started to think – no, this has way more to do with the guys than me!

I’d like to take you on a little journey to give you an idea of what I’ve been working with over the years.  This should shed some light on the ‘how come you’re still single’ query.  I’ve vastly shortened the list so these are just some examples of guys who I’ve either dated, were interested in me that I would not date (reasons obvious) or guys who my “friends” have tried to set me up with.  I put the word friends in quotations, because with these attempted set-ups, I question if you even like me!

Allow my pain to be your pleasure:

  • there was the guy I was seeing and ended up seeing make out with another girl while we were at an event together
  • there was the guy I was seeing for a few months and then one day, he disappeared.  Months later I found out he fled the province because he had a warrant out for his arrest
  • there was the guy I was seeing for a few months and then one day, he disappeared.  Sound familiar?  Yes, same guy as above!  I gave it another go and he disappeared…AGAIN!
  • there was the guy living out of his car
  • there was the guy who found out his ex girlfriend was pregnant with his TWINS, who also happens to be the same guy who was living out of his car.  Listing it separately was intentional for more impact
  • there was the guy who it turns out was married
  • there was the guy who it turns out was gay
  • there were the atheists (not a great match for a Christian girl)
  • there was the registered sex offender
  • there was the guy I met online who didn’t want to get involved with anyone because he was waiting for a heart transplant (Are you kidding me?  The one decent online guy and he could die before we even meet?!)
  • then there were the majority of the guys who dumped me as soon as they found out I live like a Christian (being one was not the problem.  Having the morals of one, was!)

When one of my best friends and I used to go out, she’d get hit on by the doctor, the pharmacist, the business owner or the investment banker.  And me?  Well, I’d get the guy who lived in his parents basement and had no car, so I’d have to pick him up for a date.

Sidenote: For years I’ve been told I’m too picky.  I dated a guy LIVING. OUT. OF. HIS. CAR!  And if NOT dating a gay man or a pedophile is too picky, then yes, I suppose you can fault me for being too picky!

Hindsight is 20/20

I love hindsight!  It’s like the end of an M. Night Shyamalan movie; wrapped up in a way that finally makes sense!  Hindsight gives me the satisfaction to know that everything worked out the way it should.  I can look at that list above and understand why none of those relationships (or potentials) worked out.  Heck, I can even be over the moon about it!  But in all these years, there’s been plenty of opportunity for a good match to come my way.  I leave the house and make eye contact with strangers.  I go to coffee shops, work, church, the gym, on vacation; all of the places that are working for other people (so basically, anywhere), so why hasn’t that been my story?  Is there a reason I’ve remained single this long?  Does God actually have someone in mind for me or have I been given the “gift” of singleness and I should’ve kept the receipt to return it?

If I claim to be a Christian, who believes in God and believes the bible to be God’s word and God’s word to be true, then I should be able to trust this God of mine and the things He says.  Things like how He knows the end from the beginning.  How He’ll do exceedingly, abundantly more than we can ask or think and that He’ll give me the desires of my heart.  I’ve seen God do actual miracles in the lives of people around me, so He’s clearly big enough to do for me what feels like will take a miracle!  And if He claims to work all things together for my good (Romans 8:28), then I can look forward to looking back and getting my much needed hindsight, right?

Take it Away Vanessa Williams

I don’t understand God’s plan, I don’t like His timing and I really don’t like an uncertain future, but I can tell you one thing for certain; if I were to have found someone by now, I wouldn’t be writing this.  I wouldn’t have started a blog.  I might not be writing at all.  I wouldn’t have had the last year to develop the big (and delusional) dreams I now have for my future.  I’d probably be settled into a mundane, routine life and perfectly content.  And though I live mundane and routine right now, it’s hardly appealing to me anymore!  Maybe that was all part of the plan?  Or maybe I’m the modern day Lazarus and God needs to show someone His glory through me?  Maybe God has to save the best for last?

But when Jesus heard about it he said, “Lazarus’s sickness will not end in death. No, it happened for the glory of God so that the Son of God will receive glory from this.” – John 11:4 (NLT)

 

Allow Myself to Introduce…Myself

/ Roxie / Leave a comment

Welcome!

Yes, I have a new blog!

For the last couple of years I’ve kept a notebook nearby where I jot down feelings, thoughts or questions that pop into mind about life, faith and relationships.  Each sentiment is no more than a sentence or two and if someone were to stumble upon my notebook, they’d probably wonder if I was a crazy person!

Throughout my heartbreaks and disappointments over the years, people often said to me “one day this will be your message”.  I hated hearing that.  I didn’t want to have a message or be a future example for anyone.  I just wanted my happy ending and I wanted it yesterday.  But after the hurt subsided a little, I guess I subconsciously thought, I may as well jot down some things and maybe one day something will come of it.  I didn’t know what and I didn’t know when, but I figured it would be once everything in my life had turned around.  Then, and only then, I could have a “message”.

Well, I recently listened to a podcast with Christine Caine.  She was talking about one of her books and how she knew it was time to write that particular book because she had come through her pain enough to not write in response to it, but it hadn’t got so far behind her that she forgot about it.  This made me think to my crazy-lady notebook.  Everything in my life hasn’t turned around (in fact, none of it has), but I have come through my pain that it won’t filter through my words, but I’m not so far removed that I can’t still remember what it feels like.  Was now the time to write?

But You’re Nobody, Why Do You Need a New Blog?

When I started my ‘Rants…’ blog a few years ago, I was bitter, confused, angry and had lost a lot of my faith. I stayed that way for far too long, but eventually staying in that head space became worse than making a change, so I chose to change!

This last year I’ve seen miracles happen and watched lives lived out that inspire me to emulate them.  My edges have been softened (at least I think!), my perspectives have shifted and I feel like an entirely different person on the inside.  ‘Rants’ doesn’t seem to apply to me anymore, so I’m moving on to something new.  (I still have a lot of snark and plenty of opinions though!)

The Situation Room, as defined by Wikipedia and loosely translated by me, is a conference room located in the White House, for handling sensitive information with the purpose of providing intelligence and crisis support.

I had originally played around with about 10 different blog names, all a slight variation of one another, but all with the same theme.  I settled on one I liked best, only the more I thought about what the name represented, I didn’t want to box myself in creatively or have a blog title be the label of my future.  What I want is a safe space to have a conversation and be open to talk about any variety of things. My own ‘situation room’, if you will.

I also get a chuckle out of the double meaning this name has for me.  A few years back I updated my Facebook status regarding my “situation”.  You might remember:

FB-status-11-08-2016

Since you’re supposed to talk about what you know, you can be guaranteed that I’ll write about relationships, or what I’m more familiar with, singleness.  And I will give you advanced heads up; this blog will contain much more talk of faith than ‘Rants’ did, because I’ve really been discovering exactly what faith means to me and I have a lot more of it than ever, so it’s bound to spill out!  If you don’t like that, well, I guess, thank u, next, but I hope you stay open minded and join in on the conversation!