Here’s the situation:  I’ve always been afraid of people finding out I’m a Christian

If you read my ‘Rants’ blog, you might remember the one where I touched on the topic of never feeling like I was enough.  Not pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, blah, blah, blah; just not enough of whatever it was I thought people required of me to accept me.  Over the years my fears were confirmed by being rejected for all of those things (and more!), so to avoid the pain of any future rejection, all I really wanted to do was blend in.  And if I couldn’t blend in, then at the very least, I didn’t want to stand out for the wrong reasons.  The wrong reasons being ones that put an easy target on me for ridicule.

In my experience, one of these ‘wrong reasons’ has always been because I’m a Christian.  It’s funny to me that you can believe in a nameless “higher power” or call yourself “spiritual” and be widely accepted, but to be a Christian, who believes in Jesus and lives (as best you can) by biblical principles, you are antiquated and as I’ve been referred to many times – “super religious”.

As someone who’s longed for acceptance her whole life, the path of least resistance has always been to hide the details of my life that I know don’t go over well, which is where the fear of being found out as a Christian comes from.  Now, if you were to ask me blatantly what I believed, I would tell you, but if you ain’t asking, I ain’t telling!

When I was seeing a counselor last year, she told me that it seems like I live my life in two worlds and she was absolutely right.  These are the safe and separate worlds I’ve created that I try not to let intersect.  There’s my Christian world, comprised of my Christian friends, my church, my faith, volunteering, etc, etc.  Then there’s my other world, with everything and everyone else.  Though I know how to blend in to each world, I don’t often feel like I actually fit into either.

Not Good Enough for One, Not Bad Enough for the Other

My perception of Christianity was always that it was just a list of don’ts.  These are the things we don’t do and you don’t ask why, you just don’t do them because God said so!  It never had to do with faith or understanding or grace, it was more like a math formula, cold and robotic.  Do your math perfectly = Christian.  However, if you showed your work and you had any faults or doubts, you failed and were letting all of Christendom down, thus I’ve always tried to hide my imperfections from anyone in my Christian world.  What would they think if they knew I could simultaneously listen to Elevation Worship and cuss someone out in a fit of road rage?  That sometimes I question why I believe something that’s so unbelievable?  That on (very rare) occasions I have a glass of wine too many (and it’s a really good time)?  Or that sometimes I think this God of ours is a big meanie who’s punishing me for my mistakes?

Then there’s my other world.  The one where I spend 95% of my time.  The one where I don’t lie about who I am, but the one where I casually leave out details of who I am so I can fly under the radar.  What would this world think of me if they knew that I, in fact, do listen to worship music?  That I fully believe something unbelievable?  That I almost never have a glass of wine (or any other drinks)?  Or that I think God is gracious and has amazing plans for my future in spite of my mistakes?

My counselor said to me “it must be exhausting to live like this”.  She was right.  Again.

People accept what is the same, but respect what is different.  We downplay [who we are] to fit in to culture. – DawnCheré Wilkerson

A lot has changed internally in the months since counseling.  Some of it comes from the counsel itself.  Some of it from age.  A lot of it comes from the inspiration of watching someone be 100% themselves and be loved and accepted for all the things I’m afraid of being outcast for.  Whichever it was, I’m settling in to everything I am and am not.  I don’t need strangers to accept me, when the people who matter most to me do.  And at the end of the day, I don’t know why I’m trying to impress people I don’t really care about and who don’t know the full me anyway!

I never thought I’d get a second tattoo – I’m not young and irrational anymore!  If I like a picture, I’ll just look at it.  If I like a quote, I’ll just read it.  But…YOLO?  I decided to give myself an (extremely permanent) reminder of who I am and what I believe.  It’s facing my fear head on and making a statement before I even open my mouth.  Lawd help me, what have I done?!

Look out ’cause here I come

And I’m marching on to the beat I drum

I’m not scared to be seen

I make no apologies, this is me