Here’s the situation: I think I have PTSD from years of dating

I don’t do breakups well and they seem to be harder to handle the older I get.  I feel like they should get easier over time as you become more comfortable in who you are and are ok with not everyone liking you, but at the root, they’re still rejection.  It’s a reminder that someone who was once intrigued by you, got to know the real you and didn’t like it.  So much so, that they didn’t want you in their life anymore.

My last (official) breakup was awful.  I cried every day for about 6 months and every other day for about 6 more.  It wasn’t so much the guy that I was devastated over, but being back at square one and having to do this/find this/risk this/attempt this another time, in hopes that maybe it’ll finally work out.  I’m long over that guy, but the thought of ever feeling that kind of heartbreak again, TERRIFIES me!

Can I confess?  I hate first dates by now and I actually think they give me anxiety.  Unfortunately, they are a necessary step in getting to my desired end result.  “Go online”, people say.  “It’ll be so fun”, people say.  Of course, the people saying this have been married for years and have no idea what it’s like to date in 2019!  I’ve heard the online success stories, but more often than not, I hear the stories of how dating became like a part-time job and took 25 bad dates before 1 decent one.  Or about people agreeing to a date and then being told “I’m not looking for anything serious.”  What are you doing online then?!  If you’re just looking to get laid, there’s this thing called alcohol which you can buy at any bar and you’ll probably find someone to hook up with while you’re there too!  2 birds, 1 stone.  Or stick to sites like Tinder and Plenty of Fish where you belong!  I think it’s great if you’ve had success online, but for me, it’s super uncomfortable.  All those dreaded first dates in hopes of weeding out 1 winner.  I just don’t know if I have it in me anymore.  It’s exhausting and discouraging and I am getting too old for the stupid games people play! (Plus, I’ve listened to too many true crime podcasts and there seems to be a lot of weirdo’s out there without any accountability!)

Son of a Beach

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.  I am addicted to The Bachelor franchise.  I don’t even know why lately, since all it seems to do is frustrate me and yet, I can’t stop.  Right now it’s Bachelor in Paradise (BIP) season.  Admittedly, it’s a horrible concept.  A bunch of singles hanging at a secluded resort, looking for love.  Each week an additional 2 to 3 guys or girls arrive to offset the numbers of the opposite sex and if you’re one of the men or women who don’t make a connection in order to get a rose, it’s too bad, so sad, goodbye.  Even though you might have made a strong connection with someone, the general consensus seems to be “keep your options open”.  Nobody wants to lock in too early into their time in paradise, because in the next day or two, someone better might arrive.  I’ve been asked how I can watch this trashy reality show, but this horrible concept and the idea of keeping your options open is literally dating in 2019; these people just happen to be televised.  As someone who’s been dumped numerous times for someone “better”, it triggers me!

It’s Too Much

There are two reasons I love The Notebook; James Marsden and Ryan Gosling.  Ok, but actually, it’s a really great movie.  I saw it in the theatre with my cousin and towards the end, the lady behind us was a blubbering mess and kept whispering “it’s too much, it’s too much.”  By the time the old couple died (spoiler alert), we were so focused on trying not to giggle, we didn’t have time to be emotional!

It’s a romantic notion, isn’t it?  A couple who love each other so much, they literally can’t live without each other.  A man who legitimately loves his wife, for better and for worse.  Let’s take this romance outside of the movies.  Don’t we gush anytime we see an older couple who hold hands and are still in love? “Awwww, I want that!”  I think it’s human nature to dream of that kind of forever love.  Unfortunately, the way culture is moving, I don’t know that we’ll be seeing too much of that in the future.

“I wrote you 365 letters.  I wrote you every day for a year.”

– Noah Calhoun, The Notebook

The Cheesecake Cafe Theory

(If you’re American, we can call it The Cheesecake Factory Theory)

You know those restaurants with menus the size of a novel (not to name names)?  I find it really difficult to decide what I want to order when I have so many options.  I have to make a pros and cons list, consult my magic eight ball, say a prayer, narrow it down by process of elimination and then eenie meenie the top 2.  I believe this same difficulty in decision making applies to our dating lives with the introduction of online dating and apps!  When we’re given too many choices, we end up in our heads, overthinking and second guessing.

I’m pretty sure nobody gets married with the intent of later getting divorced.  We all want our Notebook love story and we celebrate milestone wedding anniversaries, but have you ever considered how and why these older couples have lasted so long?  First of all, commitment and work.  A lot more work than it seems people want to exert these days.  It’s much harder to write 365 letters than to send a “you up?” text.  Second, let’s go back 40 or 50 years to when these couples probably first met.  (Heck, this scenario might even apply 15 to 20 years ago!)  Before we did everything on a screen, we had to physically go outside to meet people.  Our worlds were smaller and all you had to choose from was what was within your reach.  Classmates, friends, friends of friends, coworkers, people you encountered in person…that was really all there was.  When you found someone you liked, you ‘went steady’ and you didn’t keep your options open in case something better came along.  As far as you knew, you were already dating the best you could find!

You can argue that technology has made dating easier, but I disagree.  Technology has made meeting people easier, but commitment harder!  What if we commit to one person, but then we meet someone else who seems to be a better fit?  Ever heard of the 80/20 rule?  In a healthy relationship, couples will have about 80% of what they want in their partner.  Unfortunately, some people leave their partner in search of the missing 20%.  I’m no mathematician, but when you leave 80 for 20, you’re gaining less than what you started with.  If you look for 20%, you’re guaranteed to find it since there will always be someone who meets a different need in your life, but in time, you’ll probably have to chase after another 20%.  And then another 20, and then another 20…

That Is So Last Year

I know my ideas of dating don’t fit in to today’s culture.  Especially as a Christian trying to date.  Perhaps I’m too old fashioned for 2019!  I think that when you’re exploring a new relationship with someone, out of respect for them, they should be the only one that you pursue.  Don’t dabble a little bit here, a little bit there and muddy the waters.  Maybe it’ll only last 1 date, maybe 1 month, but when you only have 1 choice on the menu, you have an easy decision to make: take it or leave it!  If you decide to ‘take it’, the foundation of that relationship will likely be stronger because you did only have that one person there from the start.  And don’t let the ‘what if’ notion of a better fit come in and steal your 80%!  Remember, the grass is always greener where it’s watered.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m headed to the drive-in for a malted before I go to the sock hop.