Here’s the situation: I’ve decided I’m going to be more selfish, and coming from an only child, that really says something!

Now that I’ve turned the magical age of forever 29, I think I might actually be going through a midlife crisis.  It’s an interesting thing to now be making my descent on the proverbial hill.  Let me quickly sum up the aging process for you (thus far at least).  You’re a child and you can’t wait to grow up.  You’re a teen, but you can’t wait to be eighteen.  You’re young.  You’re young.  Life is a party and you have no cares in the world!  You’re a little older, but still too young to be thinking about things like mortgages and retirement.  Uh oh.  You’ve started to realize how much older you are and wish you’d gotten your act together a little sooner.  ∗boom∗  You’re old.  Now that you’ve entered the last half of your life, you really start to think about what you’ve done, what you haven’t done and how much, or how little, time you have left.

What’s New?

I hate running into people I haven’t seen in a while.  They always want to know what’s new.  I mean, I ask that question too, but generally people have a much different answer than mine.  New careers, new homes, spouses, babies.  Their lives change drastically in as short as a year, but you could ask me what’s new and I could give you the exact same answer today as I did 19 years ago!

2000:  “Oh, I live in (insert my neighborhood), I work for (insert my company name) and I’m single, never married, no kids.”

2019:  “Oh, I live in (insert my neighborhood), I work for (insert my company name) and I’m single, never married, no kids.”

Depending when you ran into me in this 19 year span though, you might’ve got a different answer.  I’ve lived in different communities, I quit my job to move to a new city and go back to school.  I got engaged, bought a condo with my fiancé, broke up with my fiancé, moved back to my original city, went back to school, got my old job back, traveled a bunch and ended up buying a condo in my childhood neighborhood, not because I wanted to, but because it’s where I could afford.

Outside of owning my own home, I feel like I’m living the same life again.  It just makes me wonder – what did I do, or not do, to get me (back) here?  My life isn’t bad, but my life is stuck and I want to be able to place blame on something specific as the reason.

I Aim to Please

I’ve never thought I was a people pleaser.  I can say no, even though it might disappoint you.  I don’t agree with people, just so that they like me.  Then I read this little article – 10 Signs You’re a People Pleaser.  There were 8 signs I disagreed with, but curse those 2 that I didn’t!  I wouldn’t say that I’m 100% either one, but I certainly have tendencies towards them.  I suppose I’ve always viewed them as ‘peace keeping’, rather than ‘people pleasing’, making them seem less dysfunctional to me.

1. You feel burdened by the things you have to do

• You’re in charge of how you spend your time, but there’s a good chance your schedule is filled with activities that other people want you to do.

Ok, I’m actually quite selfish with my time.  I’ve learned I can’t handle too many activities, too many days in a row.  I get burnt out, I get sick and I need time alone to recharge.  Yup, I’m one of those people.  Or if I put too much focus in one area of my life, another one starts to fall apart and then I get cranky.  That’s why I really try to balance out ‘adulting’ and chores and entertainment and activities and commitments.  In spite of this legitimate need for balance for my own health (and let’s face it, the health of the people around me!), I still do things and attend things that I have little desire to do because I know it will make other people happy.  And not in that nice compromising, give and take kind of way, but in that, this is a burden to me and I’m feeling slightly resentful, but I don’t want to disappoint or let anyone down, kind of way.

2. You act like the people around you

• It’s normal for other people to bring out different sides of your personality, but people pleasers often sabotage their goals.  People pleasers engage in self-destructive behavior if they think it will help others feel more comfortable. 

The example this article gave is that people pleasers will eat more when they think it will make other people happy.  I had to laugh.  I worked with an older man for many years.  He never married and never had kids.  He lived simply and didn’t have many expenses, so he would spend money on my coworkers and I.  He referred to us as his work wives and would buy us lunches or keep our desk drawers stocked with chocolate.  As lovely as it was and as much as I have a sweet tooth, I realized that many times I was eating out of guilt!  Guilt that the money he spent would go to waste.  He knew I was trying to be healthy and avoid sugar, so if he wanted to waste his money, that was his problem, not mine, right?  Why was I eating and hating my thighs, for his wallet’s sake?

What else was I doing in my life for other people and not for myself?

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

There are really only two ways to make a change.  Either you decide to make one, or someone else decides to make one, which changes things for you without your consent.  The majority of changes in my life were due to the latter or circumstances outside of my control.

The only reason I switched schools after junior high was because the one I went to didn’t go past grade 9.  The only reason I left my first three jobs was because the first one went out of business, the second one the owner sold and the new owner laid me off to bring in their personnel and the third one?  At a Christmas party two weeks after I started, the lady I was replacing got drunk and emotional and decided she wanted to stay and they could only keep one of us!  I only went to school for Business Admin because someone offered to pay for it and I’ve only ever broke up with a few guys because it’s almost always been the guys who did the dumping.  (Actually, the ghosting.)

I’m a settler (a whole other blog for a different day), so for me, a forceful push has been necessary.  If Kmart hadn’t gone out of business, I might still be there!  I can count on one hand the number of changes that were my decision.  I can count on two fingers actually.  It’s two.  I’ve only made two truly life altering decisions.

The Best Friend

I think I’ve actually held myself back in life for the sake of others.  Compound my fear of change with the little bit of people pleaser in me and you get a girl who’s made a lot of decisions with other people’s feelings in mind, rather than my own.  I never wanted to rock the boat.  (See, it is peace keeping in a way!)  Some seasons of my life were going well and yet I felt a pull to make a change, but I didn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable in the process or be the catalyst that would affect everything around me.  You know, like how when one person decides to diet, everyone suffers.  Similar concept.  So instead I took a backseat to my own life thinking there’d be other passengers riding comfortably with me, only I ended up alone, watching everyone else in the driver’s seat of their lives, passing me by.  I have my license, why aren’t I driving?

Sorry, Not Sorry

The midlife crisis I might be having could be just the forceful push I need this year.  In the words of Andy Dufresne: it comes down to a simple choice – get busy living or get busy dying.  There are times in life when we need to dig our heels in and stick things out, but there are times when we are so stuck that we need to swap out the heels for a pair of sneakers and get moving!  (Also, is the saying referring to heels – anatomy or heels – clothing?  Whatever, I went with clothing and it’s too late now.)

I’m technically half dead, or if you’re an optimist, I suppose I’m half alive!  Either way, there’s no more time to waste.  If I want to have a different response to “what’s new?” in another 19 years, then I need to be a little more selfish!  Trying not to hurt people has been hurting me, so in true Canadian fashion, let me apologize.  I’m sorry that I might have to consider my own feelings herein.  I’m sorry that I might disappoint you or make you uncomfortable and I’m sorry that my changes might affect your life, eh.