Here’s the situation: I’m getting annoyed watching so many people settle for less than what they want or deserve!  Keep your standards high and let people rise up to your level, rather than bend down to theirs!

People are waiting longer and longer to get married or start a family.  The reasons range from things like wanting to establish a career first, traveling while they’re young and free, or waiting until they’re financially ready for a wedding and a baby.  I have a lot to say about this and not much of it is in support of waiting as long as people do, but while I could argue the pros of settling down younger, the fact that I wasn’t able to, makes me appreciate this shift in culture!  Where I would’ve once been considered a spinster, now I’m just an empowered woman!  It has become much more acceptable to be where I’m at in life, which hasn’t always been the case, especially not in church culture!

“Normal”

My mom comes from a family of 14 children, most of whom had 4 to 5 kids of their own, so to say I have a lot of cousins would be an understatement.  Growing up, I had a picture of life; you graduate, you meet someone and you get married.  That was normal.  It’s not a message that was pushed by my parents, but rather something subliminal I picked up on from hearing about my many cousins who did just that.  In fact, one of my cousins was also my best friend and she met someone in high school, graduated in June and married in October.  She was 18.  I was 16 and a half.  I assumed by the time I turned 18, I would follow the footsteps of all those cousins before me, but that didn’t happen.  By my own definition, I’m not normal!

Party Like It’s 1999

I vividly remember being 17 and wanting a boy to like me so badly, but they didn’t.  You read about how I was a late bloomer in The Pursuit of Perfection, so guys weren’t even interested in me until I was 19, already putting me a year behind schedule.  The only reason guys started to like me was thanks to their beer goggles, but I didn’t care, I was finally being noticed!  I had quit attending church in high school because it wasn’t “cool” and I wanted to fit in, so if fitting in at 19 meant going to the bar with my friends and a side effect was having drunk guys look my direction, I was perfectly ok with that!

From about 19 to 25 I spent every weekend partying with friends, or “just going dancing”, as I told my mom before I moved out at 22 so she wouldn’t know what I was really up to.  I could regale many a tale from those years – they were a blast!…but I knew the days were numbered and that I’d eventually end up back in church.  As much fun as I was having, I still just wanted to be “normal” and get married, but I also knew I would never marry a non-Christian.  You don’t exactly cross paths with too many Christians while partying, and if you do, they miiiiight not be as Christian as they say (or if they are, perhaps they shouldn’t be interested in you).

As my friends and I aged out of the bar scene, they met guys and settled down and there I was; able to attract men now, just not the kind I actually wanted.

Prodigal Son

When I’d finally had enough of living the same weekend year after year after year without any forward momentum, I headed back to church.  Were my intentions pure because I loved Jesus and wanted to get right with the Lord?  No.  Hardly.  I wanted to find that Christian man.  Little did I know that at 26 years old, I was long past my prime in the church world!  You see, Christians used to get married (extra) young!  A lot of them met someone in youth group or they attended bible college right out of high school, aka, bridal college, so if you made it past 23 unwed, 1) something must be wrong with you and 2) you missed your window of opportunity because all of the guys were already taken!  When I did have a couple of “Christians” interested in me, I couldn’t afford to turn them down!  And so, for many, many years, I lowered my standards and tried to settle.

Oh Honey, No

I can always rant about The Bachelor, but this season in particular has me wondering – are these women extra awful or am I finally aging out of this BS?  And Peter?  He might be the worst bachelor since Juan Pablo.  This season is terr·i·ble!!  Peter aside, watching these women makes me sad for our gender and how low our bar seems to be set!

Being a pilot, it would only be fitting that Peter takes a group date to “Flight School”.  For the sake of love, the girl who gets motion sickness allows herself to be spun about in a machine that simulates turbulence.  A real metaphor for love, amirite?!  (Bachelor fans will understand.)  After she’s unstrapped, she heads to the washroom, feeling nauseous.  Peter goes to check on her and brings her a bottle of water.  She can’t believe what a gentleman he is.  Seriously?!  A guy brings you a bottle of water when you don’t feel well and you swoon?

It’s not just young girls on The Bachelor either.  Let’s talk about Dirty John.  Debra Newell, a successful business woman, falls for a guy she meets online.  If you’re unfamiliar with the rest of this true story, do yourself a favor and go listen to the podcasts (or watch the Netflix show based on the podcast).  Without spoiling too much, John turns out to be a psycho con artist and somebody dies.  Who and how you can find out for yourself.  Point is, Debra first fell for Mr. Crazypants because when they went on dates he would ask her questions about herself.  That’s it?!  Are we really that desperate or starved to find a good man that that’s all it takes to fall for one?  A man who asks you questions?!  This does not reflect well for men or women!

I can’t fault these women without also faulting myself!  One day a bad boy I really liked and had been seeing off and on for years without ever actually being his girlfriend, got a fish tank.  I swooned.  “Omigosh, he’s taking care of living creatures!  He cares about something!”  Seriously Rox?  Yes, he cares about fish but not you, you dummy!  Or there’s the guy who was rude to me, my family, to strangers, he only had 1 friend, no vehicle, no furniture and owned 2 cats.  (Never trust a single guy who owns cats.)  The only reason I gave him a chance was because he was “Christian” (he wasn’t) and he liked me.  Sooooo, that’s all it took to win me over?  Unfortunately yes.  I got engaged to that guy!  (To my credit, I did later break off that engagement!)

So why do we do that?!  Why do we allow ourselves to settle when we know we deserve better?

Tick Tock, It’s Freak Out O’Clock

I can’t speak for you, but if you’re a woman over a certain age (particularly a Christian woman and maybe even some men too), you’ve probably sensed the judgment of others or felt the pressure to find someone.  Maybe it’s entirely pressure you’ve put on yourself because the timeline you planned has passed or the ticking of your biological clock is a countdown for panic to set in.  I imagine I’m not the only one whose allowed fear or frustration to lead me into relationships with people I never pictured for my life.  You know, like the fear that if [this] person wasn’t interested in you, maybe nobody else would be?  Or if you upheld your standards and convictions, maybe nobody would ever meet them or you’d be left without any options and stay single for a really long time, possibly forever.  There comes a moment when you figure, you better take what you can get!

And just because I’m a Christian doesn’t mean I don’t get super pissed off at God from time to time too.  He claims that He’ll give me the desires of my heart, but that hasn’t happened and I’m supposed to trust His timing, yet He’s sure not in any hurry!  Doesn’t He realize how old I’m getting?  In fact, this frustration perpetuates a cycle for me.  I get broken up with and after the crying has subsided, I decide that I’m going to keep my standards up and trust God for my future relationship.  After all, He’s God and must have someone in mind for me, so I’ll hold out for that, since everything I’m trying hasn’t worked.  After a couple of years of random dates with no success, my patience wears thin and I start to lower my standards again because keeping them up proves to be a lost cause.  The thing I’ve learned about myself, is that once I’ve allowed someone in my heart, even a little bit, I will start to like them, whether they’re the kind of person I’ve been holding out for or not.  I am a settler.  (Hello!…engaged to the rude cat guy!)  Unfortunately (and fortunately!), as many times as I’ve tried to settle, something deep within me has never allowed it…

Settle Down Now

Maybe recognizing my cycle was the first step to not being caught up in it again.  Unfortunately, I’ve known too many girls over the years who have successfully settled.  The wrong guy was interested in them now and they didn’t want to wait for the right one later.  At the time I was really jealous of these girls, because they seemingly got the dream, but looking at it now, when you have to lose who you are in order to get that, I don’t think it’s much of a dream anymore.  If I have to compromise my beliefs for the sake of a man, no thanks.  I’ll continue to hold out for the one I won’t have to do that for!  I finally like myself enough to keep my standards up and I’ve made it this late in life single, I don’t know why I would settle now!

Maniacal Laugh

There was a time when I was super bitter about being single and I would think – one day I’ll show you!  I’ll show all of you!  Everyone who told me I was too picky and everyone who told me to lower my standards.  I’ll get the best man out of anyone and prove that I knew what I was doing all along and that this is what you wait for!  …  But I can’t prove that yet.  And maybe I’ll never be able to.  So, how can I tell you to value yourself, hang on to what’s important to you and never settle because it will all be worth it one day, when I don’t have the success story to back it up?

Here’s what I do know though.  The girls who settled… The girl who moved in with her boyfriend in hopes that it would bring him closer to marrying her.  She’s still living with him all these years later, but not married yet.  The girl who told me she wanted a Christian but said they were too hard to find so she settled for “a decent guy”.  She’s not happy.  In fact, she might be the most unhappy person I know.  Or the girl who wanted a man to fill a void and give her value.  She got a man, but he didn’t fill that void or give her value so a man didn’t solve the problem.  So yes, I may be single.  I may not have the”normal” life I wanted and I may still be hoping that one day I can prove to myself that my wait hasn’t been in vain, but I can honestly say, I am more content with my life right now having never settled than I would be had I successfully done so!

Remember, it’s easier to set your standards higher before you meet someone, than trying to raise them after the fact.