Here’s the situation: If you died tomorrow, how would people remember you?

Joseph James DeAngelo.  Do you recognize that name?  What about the Visalia Ransacker?  East Area Rapist?  Original Night Stalker?  What if I said the Golden State Killer (GSK)?  Well, if you’re one of those “normal” people who’s not into serial killers, let me give you a little background!

First, I need to start by defending myself against the stereotype of being a ‘basic white girl’ who’s hopped on the true crime bandwagon.  No.  I am an OG!  I’ve been intrigued by the criminal psyche as far back as I can remember.  I read The Milwaukee Murders, a book about Jeffery Dahmer, in high school.  High school people.  That was 25 years ago!  Perhaps my parents should’ve been concerned, but I think I come by it honestly.  My dad was always watching shows like Dateline and Unsolved Mysteries and when I used to visit him while he was living in a nursing home, his TV was always on whatever channel played Forensic Files marathons.  (My mom on the other hand – not having any of the murder stuff!)

Ok, back to Joseph DeAngelo.  This guy was all of those monikers I mentioned above and actually a few more.  Between 1973 and 1986 he committed at least 120 burglaries, 50 rapes and 13 murders in California, but they didn’t catch him until 2018 when he was 72 years old!  That’s FORTY FIVE years after his first crime!  This guy was a real piece of work too!  He wasn’t just a burglar/rapist/murderer; he was what nightmares are made of!  He would break into houses and make wives tie up their husbands, then put dishes on the husband’s back, threatening that if he heard the dishes rattle, he’d murder everyone in the house.  Then he’d rape the wife in another room, all the while her husband could do nothing, unless he wanted everyone to die.  One woman reported waking up in the middle of the night to a tapping noise and when she looked around, there was a man standing in her doorway, face covered by a balaclava, NO PANTS ON and tapping a knife against the door frame!  Sometimes DeAngelo would remain in the home for hours after the rape and eat the people’s food or be so silent that the women thought they were finally safe to move, but out of nowhere, he’d be right there to threaten her not to, terrorizing her again.  It’s even said he would do reconnaissance on his victims and break-in in advance to unlock windows or unload guns and even plant ligatures he would use later on!  (I apologize in advance if you will never sleep again!)  In spite of my knowledge about all of these horrible crimes, I actually cried for DeAngelo, now 74, while watching his hearing, which was streamed live on June 29, 2020.

You might be questioning who’s the bigger psychopath now, me or him, but let me explain!!  Seeing DeAngelo at that hearing brought about a lot of confusing feelings for me!  On one hand, the man who committed these crimes and got away with it for 45 years, needed to be brought to justice!  On the other hand, the frail man they wheeled into the courtroom, reminded me of my dad.  My dad was a frail 74 year old when he died.  DeAngelo hardly had a voice and when he did say something, he was soft spoken.  My dad didn’t say much, but when he did, he was soft spoken also.  For that reason, it was hard to look at DeAngelo and picture him as the evil person I’ve learned about.  He just looked like an old man.  Or like my dad.  Or like any other old man you’d see in his condition and feel a bit sorry for.  It’s like aging evens the playing field to where you can no longer distinguish someone’s past.  Were they a business mogul or were they homeless?  Were they a jock or a nerd?  the life of the party or a recluse?  a stand up citizen or a serial killer?  When you get older, you just look older and we assume you lived a good life and have that sweet grandparent demeaner.

My dad spent about 2 years in that nursing home, so anytime I visited I had the (dis)pleasure of seeing countless people parked in their wheelchairs, staring at a TV with vacant eyes, mouths gaping open and half their wits about them.  Your brain knows it’s the best or the safest place for these people, but your heart can’t help but hurt witnessing it and that’s part of the reason I cried during DeAngelo’s hearing.  I saw in him, what broke my heart every time I walked down the halls of that nursing home, but the main reason?  I just kept thinking about how this was the legacy this man was leaving behind!  How this is what he chose to do with his life?  This man has 3 daughters; probably some grandkids too!  Whether he was ever actually a loving father or grandfather to them, or had close friendships or career achievements, no longer matters.  When you Google his name, you’ll always find the words “American serial killer” tied to him now.  This is what he’ll be remembered for.  Forever.

Disclaimer: Just in case you misunderstood any of the above, let me clarify, I am not on DeAngelo’s side.  I do not feel bad for him.  Also, it later came out that the frail man I saw in the courtroom was all a façade.  If you’re curious to learn more about this case, listen to the Wondery/LA Times podcast Man in the Window, or watch HBO’s 6 part docu-series I’ll Be Gone in the Dark, which includes footage from after he was arrested.

Do You See What I See?

When I was in high school, a friend and I always gave nicknames to people.  The names were just between the 2 of us and either given to a crush we had, or to someone based off an encounter we had or observations we made about their appearance.  Some of the names were harmless, like my crush who we called “sexy breeding horse in a speedo” (don’t ask me why!) or how we called a guy named Rob, “the one who runs”, because at the end his date with my friend, he literally ran away, but some of the names were not very nice at all!  (No, you don’t get any examples of those!)  I remember one time, hearing that friend who I delegated nicknames with, telling someone else “Roxie is the best at insulting people!”.  At the time, I thought that was a great compliment, but now when I think about it, it’s pretty cringy!

Unfortunately for me (and you), I’m judgmental.  Personality tests have always confirmed this trait about me too, so it seems to be a quality that comes just as natural as my love of true crime!  Myers Briggs tells me I’m an ISFJ, J = JUDGING.  The Enneagram says I’m a type one – The Reformer.  Type one’s are “highly critical of both self and others; picky, judgmental, perfectionistic.”  Not only am I naturally judgmental, I’m also highly observant.  A combination that, when used for good, can actually be very helpful and constructive!  For example, I see things and pay attention to details that many people are completely oblivious to, so if you need an outsiders perspective on areas of inefficiency or things of the like, then having a critical eye is an asset!  However, when I use my powers for evil, that’s when you get the person who is “the best” at insulting people.  *cringe*

Be Friendly.  Duh.

I know this guy and everybody loves him.  Do you know one of these people too?  They’re the type that others are naturally drawn to.  Like, people just love them.  I love them!  And I’m jealous of them because that has never really been my experience.  Usually people are afraid of me when they first meet me, then after they get to know me a bit, they warm to me.  Years ago, that guy and I were walking down the street and, of course, every stranger smiled or started chatting with him and I finally asked – “what is it that you do that people just love you, because people never just love me!”  With a shrug, he said “I’m just friendly.”  Friendly huh?  Is it that easy?  But wait…I’m friendly – how come I never get the warm reception or interaction he gets?!

What’s Colder than Dry Ice?

Chazz Michael Michaels – But don’t let her fool you, she’s as cold as the ice she skates on.  She’s like dry ice.  Wait, she’s colder than that.  What’s colder than dry ice?

Jimmy MacElroy – I dunno.

Chazz Michael Michaels – I’ll tell you what is.  Oksana.

– Will Ferrell & Jon Heder, Blades of Glory (2007)

For most of my life, I’ve been told that I’m cold.  I just assumed it was because I’m more of a realist than some hippie, feely, “empath” (ugh, empaths! *insert eye roll here*), or because my shyness has a tendency to come off as disinterest, or because I’m not one of those girls who raises their voice 10 octaves to make themselves sound sweeter than they actually are.  Think Regina George in Mean Girls – “Omg, I love your skirt, where did you get it? // That is the ugliest effing skirt I’ve ever seen.”  That’s too fake for me and I don’t do fake.  Even though people have always told me I’m cold and I realize I’m not an overtly mushy person, I never really considered myself being that cold, because I know me.  I know I’m nice.  I know I’m fun.  I know I have a big heart.  However, after seeing first hand just how differently people reacted to that guy than they ever have to me, I needed to determine why, as warm as I might think I am, nobody sees that in me!

One word: RBF.  Ok, no, it’s not (entirely) that, but that certainly doesn’t help my cause!  What I discovered is that I purposely give off cold vibes, without realizing that I’m doing it on purpose!  It’s a form of protection.  I anticipate rejection, so when I’m alone and go into a group setting or a new and uncomfortable situation, I have a tendency to make myself unapproachable.  You see, because of that anticipated rejection, I would rather walk into a room and risk not being engaged with because I came across as cold, than walk into a room, smiling and super friendly, and not be engaged with.  At least the one outcome I controlled.  It was my choice, whereas if someone chose not to interact with me at my friendliest, then I’d be insulted and my self esteem would be hurt and I’d look like a fool, like Tai from this scene in Clueless:

The problem with protecting myself though, was that I actually wanted people to approach me!  I wanted people to see me as friendly without having to get to know me first!  I wanted to be one of those people that others are naturally drawn to, but I wasn’t giving anyone the opportunity.  I was too busy trying to avoid an outcome that might not even happen!  

If you want to be seen as friendly, be friendly.

Return On Investment

As I’ve gotten older, one of the things that’s started to matter more to me is what people think of me.  Ok, it’s always mattered, but now it’s not in the same way as before.  Now it’s more – what am I known for?  What do people say about me or tell other people about me?  How will I be remembered?  What kind of legacy will I leave?

After my self discovery, I decided to give this “just friendly” thing a whirl.  Like I said, I already thought I was ‘just friendly’, but this time I would make myself more approachable on purpose.  I wouldn’t be fake or anything other than me, but I would certainly fake confidence!  I would smile and quit trying to protect myself.  If I looked like a fool, then I looked like a fool.  If people chose not to engage with me; their loss, because I’m awesome.  And that’s the attitude I went into those new and uncomfortable or group settings with anytime I was alone (and there’ve been a lot of those the last few years) and you know what?  Risking being friendly has a much higher ROI than being guarded ever has!

Last fall I joined a girls small group with a bunch of strangers and on one of our final evenings together we did an exercise where each person spent time in the hot seat, while the rest of the group went around and told you what they saw when they looked at you.  It could be anything from personality traits to gifts to skills to attributes and you know what?  Not one of the girls mentioned ever thinking I was cold!  Instead, they told me they saw a soft heart.  They saw good energy, resilience, beauty; inside and out, a natural leader, wit, confidence and my personal favorite – an atmosphere shifter!  That means my very presence can establish a new environment!  That’s amazing!  That’s what I want to be known for or remembered by, not for being cold or judgmental or “the best” at insulting people!  I know I won’t ever have kids of my own and maybe not even a husband to carry on my memory, but even though the family tree stops with me, I can still impact the people around me.  I want their lives to be better because they knew me and perhaps that’s my legacy.

So, if you died tomorrow, how would people remember you?  And how do you want them to remember you?  What legacy do you want to leave behind?  It’s never too early to work towards it, because legacy isn’t something that happens overnight!  Legacy is built through consistency of character!  Now with that in mind, go and build it!